So (As Freddie points out as the word to start my blogs) the festival finally started. Mrs Fay and the eldest daughter had arrived overnight so it was time to gear down a bit and be a responsible parent. So by the time the Hacienda Classical started at 10:45 I was on my third can of Desperados. First slight “tears” moment with the final song of their set a perfect version of “You got the love” a few guests in the set included New Orders Peter Hook and some random dancing from Bez.
Next up to Williams Green and band called Confidence who I had only heard one song from by my instincts were right and a cracking little set from and energetic front two male/female combo.
Avalon next and Hobo Jones and the junk yard dogs with his normal dark humour and skiffle band. Up to see Craig Charles next and a boogie and I then headed to West Holts for Ata Kak. Ghanaian Afro electric funk and the lead singer looking like he was having the time of his life.
Next up the “This is your life moment” and here is a man you haven’t seen for 27 years and I met an old school friend called Phillip Jefferies. I could write a whole blog on that hour but I won’t. It was lovely to meet him and his wife and he has some old pictures and I will post a bit more on our meeting when I get back.
Time to head back the tent to see the kids were alright and not on the stone circle on the party balloons. Luckily they were not and were having the time of their lives.
Secret set gamble time next and I got a good speck up The Park for The surprise and the gamble paid off as it was Elbow and another tear sneaking out as they played “Lippy Kids”
Back to Avalon again for The New York Brass band and I was starting to flag a bit but powered on through and I had to go the toilet when I stumbled across a random tent called Sensation with what can only be described as cheesy music and four men and a small boy in power rangers type suits doing crazy things.
Up the Crows Nest next to meet Mrs Fay and the kids with the kids being amazed at the view from the top of the hill over the entire site. A long walk home via Arcadia and a stop of for a dance with the kids to some dance choons in the Radio 1 tent and it was the end of a perfect day. Possibly the most consistent day of music I have had at Glastonbury and I plough on for Saturday now. Pass me another Desperados then and as young Tom would say “I’m on it like a car bonnet” ??
So Thursday morning and the crushing reality that I am now nearly 44 and not 24 as the excess of the night before hammered home hard. There was only one option and that was to get back on it. So it was a Desperados and Sausage barm for breakfast. I am attempted to get some normality in my life by getting the camera out of the lock up and take a chilled walk around the site taking some pictures picking up a cider or two en route.
I ended up meeting my cousin in law for a few pints outside The Avalon Inn pub and then went on to meet my other mates up in the wood. The pain of the night before soon eased off as the ale kicked in. I had to head back to camp for about 6:30 hours to pick up supplies. Feeling a bit tired after the 5:30am finish the night before I had a little lay down. I turned over and it was 09:30 and my “disco” nap was a bit longer than expected. So I groggily headed out armed with cider to attack Glastonbury again.
I finally found the lads up by The Glade and we had a much quieter night heading up to see a 90’s dance music cover band but the tent was rammed and we couldn’t get in so in the end headed hack to my mates camp where the highlight was watching the infamous “Fenton” YouTube video which had us all in tears (you had to be there) falling into my tent about 2:30 I was awoken around 3:30 and Mrs Fay and the eldest daughter Elizabeth had arrived safely.
Already wrecked and the bloody festival hasn’t even started. It’s a marathon not a sprint but it’s certainly been a sprint start this year. I am at about 50% power level and a big effort is required today. I am sure I will get there.
So lined up outside the Liverpool Empire the coach finally arrived and I had my golden ticket in my hand. A young lad Michael (22) sat next to me and over the next six hours I bored him with tales from the 051 through to Ibiza. Many of which tales were before the lad was even born. I don’t think I bored him too much with the life story of an old washed up Jedi clubbed. We arrived onsite just after 4pm and straight through security with no problem I entered the inferno that was Glastonbury in the 30c plus heat. After a hellish 20 min walk I got to my campsite and set up camp with the help of some nice neighbours. That was just the start of the sweat as when putting up the inner bit of my tent I was fucking melting even more. But base camp was all set up for 6pm happy days.
I ventured out and met some mates who were down on the farm and we headed up to the Glastonbury hill. It’s this Wednesday tradition which hits the spot as when I reach the top of the hill I turn around and look at the stunning site of the whole of Glastonbury twinkling in the fading light and I get the feeling of arriving “home” for my 7th Glastonbury. For the record Scott gave the fireworks 7/10.
The rest of the night is one big blur with many a sit off and bevy. I finally f lol into my tent around 5:30 am and thankfully temperatures had dropped a bit to make things more comfortable. I drifted off for a well earned sleep with a smile on my face knowing that 4 more days of fun were ahead. I do genuinely love this place but it’s still tainted by Alan not getting a ticket it the Tyskie flag is flying high in his memory.
So here we are the time of year when my blogs become dominated by one thing. No not elections and referendums but Glastonbury. In kids speak its one more sleep until christmas. In adult talk its Glastonbury Eve or one more sleep until Glastonbury. This will be my 7th Glastonbury. Each one different with highs and lows and tears at time. So as the packing commences (Operation toilet roll and booze) I will run through some of the highs, lows and tears from 2010 to 2016 and post some of my fave pictures from over the years.
Highs
Well first up 2010 and with the weather fooling me for many years to come it was a sunbaked festival and no hint of mud (Oh how I was kidded by that) Highlight of that year was the performance from one of my fave bands The Pet Shop Boys. Starting off with “Heart” and jam packed with hits before ending on their anthem “West End Girls” it was a non stop show of fun on the other stage. I even have the BBC coverage saved in my Sky Plus as you can see me with one of the biggest smiles ever seen to man on my grid. Not many things make this grumpy bastard happy.
2013 and possibly the gig of my life. This time at West Holts and it was Nile Rodgers & Chic. I knew a few Chic tunes so was expecting some discotastic fun. What happened blew me away as Rodgers went through many of the songs his magical touch has graced. Too many to list here. Indeed I was having that much fun that normally when by beer is empty I am thinking “Christ where is my next bevy” Not that evening as I was just having too much fun. A version of Bowie’s “Lets Dance” and hit after hit was almost too much to take. What a night and Chic are on lat Sunday afternoon this year so expect a repeat of discotastic fun.
Chemical Brothers x 2 (2011 & 2015) both performances on The Other Stage. Just hazy memories from both but I do know it was brilliant both times (Well I think so)
Finally a small venue located at the top of a giant hill. Its called The Crows Nest and has some secret sets and if things get a bit too much you can just sit outside and look over the whole site as the lights twinkle away. A post 12am heaven. Though last year never made it up there as the conditions were too bad. Highlight from the Crows Nest 2014 and I stumbled over Connan Mockasin who took me musically to places I had not been before. Oh that and a full day on the grog.
Lows
2016 the year of the bastard queue to get in and a festival full of mud. It took us about 6 hours to do a 40 min run once we got off the motorway. Things went that slow that I walked to a pub had a pint sat outside and the car still had not caught me up. The mud was crazy and never mind making travel from A to B bad. it was almost impossible to leave A !
Ticket nightmare 2017. Well this year we didnt secure all the tickets we wanted. A good friend Alan missed out on tickets for him and his family. No original sale joy. No resale joy and after weeks of hanging by my MacBook there was no secret sale. Absolutely gutted. He’s fucked off camping to get away from it all and only hope he’s not reading his emails as my blog gets sent to him. Jut to piss him off even more it was actually Alan who got my coach and festival ticket in the original sale. We will all miss you mate.
Tears
Two occasions but with the same theme. Songs that reminded me of my mum. Both on the Sunday afternoon legends slot. By Sunday afternoon you can be left open to things and the festival catches up with you in certain lulls. In 2013 Kenny Rogers “Lucille” had my lip quivering as I recalled playing my mums 7″ version of the song back when I was a small child. 2015 and that bastard (I jest) Lionel Ritchie had me going when he sang “Hello” as I again was transported back to the time I bought my mum the 7″ version when away on a school trip at Colomendy (We had a day out in Rhyl)
2016 and this time a group tearful moment. As mentioned it had been a tough festival and early on Sunday (See its always Sunday) Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott covered in a capella “Caravan Of Love” the Housemartins classic. We all looked at each other to see if we had noticed the emotional wrecks we had become. No need to worry as all three of us were reduced to tears.
Pictures (Click for a larger version)
So thats that and as ever I will post a review of each day assuming I am in any fit state to. Each Glastonbury is different and this year the eldest daughter Elizabeth (12) will be coming down. Time to get all my bad behaviour out of the way on Wednesday then ha ha ha. I am looking forward to showing her around the special place of Glastonbury or a place I call my second home. I could have added so many highs and thankfully not many more lows and tears. Lets see what 2017 brings us then eh and keep an eye out for our Tyskie Flag.
Good evening and for those who haven’t read my live election blog it starts below at 7am on Thursday June 8th. For those of you who have, thank you and here are Jerry’s Final thoughts. So here we are day two of post election Britain. I have gone all retro and ditched Spotify and opened up I-Tunes and put my over 17,000 song library on shuffle. First up “Wonderful Life” by Black. I have recovered from the marathon live election blog and booze session by going to bed last night at 7:15pm and waking up at 8am the next morning ! So having a gentle double vodka and orange and just been presented with a small cup cake as a daughter has some friends stay over and they have a selection of cup cakes. Funny enough if I was in government I would ban cup cakes as there is just no need for them and now we have specialised cup cake shops serving specialised cup cakes. No wonder there are loads of fat bastards. Any way I went for one with chocolate on and yes I am a fat bastard.
I must admit I have post election blues. This thing is gonna drag on for ages and as I spotted on Twitter it is only 3 General Elections until Christmas. But the old social media has kept things amusing with gems like this about Lord Buckethead
So May is hanging on my a thread. Well as for me I have pulled a chair and have some popcorn as I watch The Conservative Party self destruct before my very eyes. Hopefully it will be a long slow drawn out affair resulting in another election a few months down the road and a 4th Faymondo Live Election Day Blog !
Thats it for this election and the good news is that focus now moves to Glastonbury 2017 and numerous blogs to bore you with including a review of each day starting on the Wednesday of the festival. You will be wishing the live election blog was back.
So Jerry’s Final Thoughts (Best Jerry Springer voice) “Sometimes in life people do things they don’t need to do. This often begins with a pack of lies about the non event but then the event happens (Like we all didn’t know it was gonna happen anyway) Once this event happens the results are often unexpected and can bring on misery for yourself but end in some kind of joy for others. The worst things you can then do is cling on for dear life making things a whole bunch more embarrassing for yourself. For your own sanity let it go and let more capable people take over.”
“Until next time. Take care of yourself and each other.”
07:00 Update
So here we are. Contenders ready ? Gladiators ready ? Its 7am and the polls are open. No expenses will be spared in Faymondo’s blog fully in-depth and analytical election coverage. Just look at our impartial Election Day 2017 logo which just happens to have my vote Labour window display in shot. Please accept my apologies. Watch out for our exclusive exit poll released at 9pm with graphics not seen anywhere before. I went to Tesco’s last night to stock up on election night munchies and Desperados. I plan to have a disco nap after I have been to the polling station and taken the #dogsatpollingstations picture for 2017. All eyes then to the first exit poll at 10pm and his is when I will crack open my first Desperados of the evening (It could be a long evening) If things look to be going the wrong way I have enough Desperados to numb the pain and plenty of shorts on my optics rack to have for breakfast on Friday and drink myself into oblivion before as promised I go “Off the grid on Saturday” So please enjoy the updates and share the blog on all social media as I am a social media whore.
09:00 Update
So all quiet on the news from as election rules kick in but a nice day to release lots of unseen footage of the recent terror attacks. Hot of the press though is the video for “Prostitues & Cocaine” by Liverpool’s very own Nasher. A little ditty about Gideon Osborne.
17:45 Update
Why no regular updates I have been asked ? Well it would be a bit like trying to review a dodgy 1970’s porno before the window cleaner had turned up. In other election news I have been reminded that in the 80’s people in small vans with loudspeakers used to drive around the streets of Aigburth trying to get you to vote and somebody posted a picture of a corgi car of aforementioned practice. Off for my disco nap and then will be off to post my dogs at polling stations pictures even though I have just got back from voting. Then at 9pm will be the Faymondo exit poll with exclusive graphics for this blog. The all eyes on the might exit poll and time to crack open a Desperados to help me digest the news.
20:30 Update
So the craze that swept the last election even gets its own hashtag picture on Twitter and its time for Faymondo’s #dogsatpollingstations including our election graphics top left. No expense spared here for Election 2017 coverage. Next update will include the Faymondo Exit Poll to be posted about 09:15 with even better not to be missed graphics. Nerves starting to kick in now over the result and the glass half full is suddenly starting to look like a glass half empty a bit like my Desperados bottles will be come post 10pm.
21:10 Update
Its time for the official Faymondo Blog exit poll. Once again sponsored by Celebrations. This exit poll based on nothing but a Twitter poll ran by my @Liverpoolweath account and I can proudly show you the graphic below.
You can quite clearly see this slightly biased Scouse exit poll and I Neil George Fay herby announce the results of the Faymondo exit poll.
Maltesers (Labour) 89% aka For the many not the few party
Bounty (Conservative) 6% aka The strong and stable party
Galaxy Caramel (UKIP) 4% aka The bad Bootle meff party
Twix (Lib Dems) 1% aka The sell out party
Turnout 433 people.
So I herby declare that Labour will for the next government based on The Faymondo Cadburys Celebration exit poll.
22:10 Update
So the official exit poll is out. I didn’t quite manage to hang on until 10pm for a first Desperados and due to pre exit poll nerves cracked a bottle open at 9.30pm. This is quite possibly the worst excuse yet in my life to have a bevy. Last election I watched the exit poll on BBC and it brought me the shock of my life. So this election I have switched to Sky News for luck. Well wow its game on. It could go any way this. Its gonna be a long night. Had to sip the Tories to Milky Way as Mrs Fay eat all the Bounty’s !! Right Desperados and munchies stocked up and I will try and pick up on the more amusing things going on this evening.
23:00 Update
Still trying to digest what has possibly gone on. In other election news who is arsed if you are first to declare all though its about the only thing Newcastle and Sunderland have to cheer about these days. I have a feeling that we could well be seeing a Live Election Blog 2019. Switched over to BBC as I much prefer the voice and delivery of Dimbleby to that of Adam Boulton. This is turning out to be the elections of all elections and I have no doubt that I wont be able to last the full distance and might call it a night about 4am and then rise early for the very latest updates. Perhaps this blog will go into day 2 ! One thing I am not that impressed with are modern election graphics. Just far too complicated with virtual reality House Of Commons etc. A giant bottle of Desperados has corrupted the BBC election graphics on my screen.
Latest Desperados count is 2.
Breaking…… Newcastle win and Labour 1-0 up. Happy days
00:00 Update
It could come down to the Irish vote and who joins who’s gang to form a coalition if needed. Imagine the fewwwmm if Sinn Fein took up their seats to then give Corbyn enough seats for a coalition. So its currently 4-1 to the mighty Labour but the exit polls could be going tits up. Nothing amusing captured on the TV coverage yet but I can confirm I have shouted my first “Bollocks” at the TV when Liam Fox was on ITV. My two dogs are looking at me bemused as to why I am up this late. For the record they both voted Conservative as they have a dislike of foxes. As a self confessed election nerd this is fascinating stuff and takes me back to sneakily staying awake for Election 1983 watching it on my black and white portable. I remember me and my mates asking random people of Aigburth who they voted for and putting a bit of paper into a bag. My teacher at my school at the time Sudley Juniors was so impressed with this she included it into the class teaching.
Latest Desperados count is 3.
01:00 Update
BBC went to the news at 12am which I thought was weird but then I twigged that Dimbleby most probably needed a Biscuit Boost and a piss. First agree with a Tory klaxon and I agree with the father of the house that there should be no more referendums ever. You vote for a government and you reap what you sow. Results very slow incoming but we have news of a Tory hold and this beaut (Phillip Hollobone) looks like he has his UKIP jacket on.
One thing for certain is that it is RIP UKIP and farewell to the bad Bootle meff Paul Nutella. After the amazing start at 10pm and the exit poll the three hours since have been a slow burner. I am expecting it all to kick off over the next three hours. Live from Huddersfield at 00:48 and they haven’t even started counting. Come on Huddersfield I have only got three Desperados left. Never seen such excitement at a rest from Darlington at 00:52 and we are still sweating on the reliability of the exit poll aghhhhhhhhhh.
Latest Desperados count is 5.
Scores on the doors LAB 10CON 5
02:00 Update
Well you know you have had a few when you reply to a tweet from Derek Hatton ! Next up at 01:10 and a big up to da Wales massive. Always loved going to Llandudno as a child. Seems the bad Bootle meff is getting a cob on ha ha.
01:21 and Amber Rudd is having kittens. Love these election “moments” when people get jibbed. After having a little wedge on Trump to win and bottling it at 8/1 after the exit polls closed I was tempted again to have a bet on a hung parliament but didn’t. Currently Corbyn is odds on favourite to be the next PM after the election. Tom Watson is still a cunt though ! Whats this the swing-ometer has just turned up at 01:48 and it says under 1%. No wonder its been asleep. Bookies are bottling it and now Darth May is 8/11 against Corbyn 11/10 just showing its all up for grabs. The award of first “Fuck off” to the TV goes to Laura Kuenssberg of BBC
The youth of today has lots to say.
Latest Desperados Count 6
Scores on the doors LAB 40CON 25SNP 4DUP 2
Update 03:00
Well a shadow is cast upon Brexit now and in the words of Eminem “Guess who’s back. Back again” as Nigel the Farage says he will come back on the scene if there is a hint of Brexit reversal. Fake news quotes has him saying “The bad Bootle Meff has proclaimed himself The King Of Meff’s”
Amazing the amount of Tweets I am reading with people saying up and getting bevied to the election results. I think deep down it was to numb the pain but now it might be a tipple to say “You know what I will take that” 02:30 and things are not that much clearer and it really could come down to fine lines and deals struck. Seems Southport have pissed on our chips. Thats it never getting a Saveaway and going to Southport again for a day out to lose £30 on the arcades though I will miss a bag of chips fromThe Sandgrounder Chippy. Just banged ITV on and they have Gideon and Ed Balls. Assuming Gideon has stayed off the bugle tonight. Amazing Ed Balls can even sit next to him given the stick he received from Gideon and his chums over the dispatch box. Nick Clegg remember him? Not only destroyed the Liberal Democrat Party but now himself. Thats is the sound of chuckling coming from a living room in Aigburth. Lots of movement this hour results wise and a slight lean towards a possible Tory majority but the glass is deffo half full despite only having half a bottle of Desperados Left.
Latest Desperados Count 7 (only one left ughhhh)
Scores on the doors LAB 125 CON 105SNP 16DUP 7 LD 2
04:00 Update
Final Update as I need my beauty sleep but rest assured I will be back on it as soon as I wake up. Thats updates not Desperados. First sighting of a comedy candidate and The Official Monster Raving Loony Party (See below) represented by Knigel Knapp got 106 votes in Corbyn’s seat. Andres Mendoza from the Communist League got 7 votes.
We all know Darth May does not like to lose out to Corbyn and she wins again tonight by having the best candidate running against you award though any PM standing normally has this. Obviously as we get into the latter hours things are starting to get a bit silly or is that the fact I have ran out of Desperados and am finishing off on a double vodka and pure orange. I now give you Lord Bucket Head (152 votes) and Bobby Elmo Smith (3 votes)
Jesus its getting light outside. Feels like its 1995 and I have been to a post club sit off in some dodgy house off Walton Road. But its 2017. I am going to bed with the words ” We don’t know the arithmetic” and “We have some reflection to do” Not quite exit poll levels of orgasm but a brighter Britain ahead.
Updates in the morning and no doubt another live election blog sooner than later.
Latest Desperados Count 8 (All gone and on Vodka)
Scores on the doors LAB 212 CON 210SNP 27DUP 10 LD 10
10:20 Update
Heading to bed last night it was light in the bedroom and I was trying my best not to wake Mrs Fay up. I was pretty gutted I was not tip toeing around the bedroom in the dawn light after a heavy nights clubbing but how times change and it was in fact after an epic general election night. So woke up about 9am after finally nodding off about 4.30am. A few Paracetamal and some sausage barms and it was back on the election train. So we ended up in hung parliament territory. The Tories are currently like many of my mates in the early 1990’s trying to shag anything possible in the hope of getting over the line. Way back in the day (June 2016) a certain knobhead who didn’t really believe in referendums decided to vote leave. No not to “Send them all home” but my cunning plan was that David Cameron would go if Brexit was voted for and this would give a chance for Corbyn to seize power. Now a lot of water has gone under the political bridge since then but last nights events was a small battle victory but by no means victory in the war. I took a fair amount of stick over voting leave (To the point where to admit you voted leave was classed as a shameful event) and indeed when asked which way I voted had to first get in my random reason in as not to be painted as some crazy UKIP semi racist. I joined the Labour Party to support Corbyn. I attended a rally in town. I got involved a small bit a local level in the Labour Party. Corbyn was taking stick from all angles and indeed from members of his own party but this morning the first step in this ‘Revolution” has taken place. We dare to dream. The fight will be long. But we can get to where we want and a better country for all of us. I can proudly say I had a go whilst many “True” Labour fans at back and scoffed.
For the record we will see another election soon and I don’t think Brexit will happen.
So Sunday evening and after making the error of just going for a lie down on my bed at 6pm two and a half hours later I woke up somewhat dazed after such a deep sleep. I had been decorating this weekend and my body must have been rejecting manual labour as I am very much a keyboard typing shandy when it comes to work. The only chance of getting to sleep before 4am after such a massive sleep was to hit the grog and so I step onto that particular slippery slope ! I could hear from the front room the concert for the recent Manchester atrocity. Middle sprog Charlotte (9) was enjoying the gig and I could hear Liam Gallagher (Did you really have to play a new one) I couldn’t resist but poke my head into the front room and ask her what she thought of Liam Gallagher. There was no verbal response but just a facial expression that wasn’t on the positive side. Anyway the concert finished and the BBC continuity announcer might as well have said “And now on BBC after a nice concert to get you over a previous terror attack it’s the 10 o’clock news with Hugh Edwards who will now give you the full on details of the latest attack.
Now we all know opinion polls are not to be relied upon but having limited my friends on Facebook to 100 even with my grade B in maths at GCSE I can work out percentages. Back after the Paris attack it was running at about 20% of my friends who updated their Facebook profile pic with something “Paris” related. I even lost one “friend” because of my constant updates on the precentages. Fast forward to the Manchester atrocity and it was only 6%. Just a short time later after the latest London attack it was 0% but with 1% still on Manchester and strangely enough as I am writing this blog he has updated it from Manchester to a combined Manchester/London frame. I admire his effort. If your gonna do it do it in style. So the polls show that “token” profile picture terrorism updates are losing polling points quicker than Teresa May. Does this mean me are becoming less outraged by events and they are becoming a normal occurrence that we don’t feel the need to update our profile pictures ? Or are we realising its a wank thing to do ? Anyway enough of being Victor Meldrew and in true ironic style I updated my Facebook profile picture to “The choice is yours” in white writing on a black background and my banner to a picture of Jeremy Corbyn. Next up tales of Instagram posts with inspirational quotes such as “How do you make the sausage roll. Push it down the hill”
So as we enter election eve I personally can’t think of an election that will define and shape things to come for many, many a year. On the plus side I now have two dogs to take down to the polling stations for the #dogsatpollingstations hashtag. On the downside the country could be proper fucked by Friday morning. As mentioned I just don’t believe polls. It was only at 10pm at the last election that the exit poll picked up on something the normal polls did not and the indication of the Cameron era (That didn’t last long) on the others side of the pond after the US election poll Donald Trump went out to 8/1 and look what happened there. I am hoping it will be a very long night on Thursday and I eventually go to bed about 5am with at least half a smile on my face and a hung parliament.
As ever I will be blogging live on election day. I know you are all very excited at that prospect. Just some final election musings and we all need to take note of Greg Knight and his original musings of “We want a strong and stable government and not a coalition of chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn” it gets better do watch and I was transported back to about 1984 listening to radio City and some of the jingles on the adverts back in the day “Maincrest car and van hire seven double three, three two oh one” Do watch until the end.
So thats it. The polls open in under 12 hours time and decision day is upon us.
You get accountability, with Conservative delivery, make sure this time you get it right, you know Greg Knight talks a load of shite.
As I was watching that video again to get the words of his catchy little number autoplay on youtube came up with another Greg Knight song which I can only assume is called “Hey Greg Knight has been working for you” I was at election breaking point today with all the arguments been had and sides firmly taken I just want the big day now. But with the discovery of the Greg Knight lost tapes I hope to hear this dropped at Glastonbury in a fortnight. Who needs Chic when you have the funk and soul of the genuine campaign song. I hope come Friday Greg is phoning the dole office up though.
So first up a quick review of last weekend and after doing the Liverpool Rock’n’Roll 5k on Saturday it was the test of the Liverpool Rock’N’Roll half marathon for Mrs Fay with her personal fitness instructor. Now in her dream he would be a part time fireman with a six pack and an allover tan with a smooth chest dripping in post race sweat which made his running vest cling tightly to his toned body ready to rip off at a moments notice as he fondled her “medals” In reality it was a six foot three beer bellied monster with a slight tan. It is only early June and my feet are white as of course I never take my socks off for any training activities or indeed any other activities for that matter. As for the vest well it was a bright green baggy XXL Adidas running top though there was lots of sweat and the only medals I will having a fondle with are the 4 I earned last weekend. Anyway my new title of Mr Motivator got Mrs Fay around the half marathon on 2 hours 23 which was a mighty good effort from the other half. She is the latest in a long line of my now thriving personal fitness instructor business following on from taking the sister in law around two half marathons, my mate around a 10k with no training and my biggest achievement yet taking a mate who I play footy with around the 5k on Saturday after 10 ciders the night before and suffering from gout. So fuck Mr Motivator from the 80’s or The Green Goddess I now announce “Pie Arse PT’ yes your seventeen stone plus personal trainer with a fondness of the finer tequila beers out there and a penchant for sausage rolls will guarantee that he will get you around any race from 5k to half marathon. Pie Arse PT founded in 2017 guarantees success. Dave from Liverpool said ” I was fucking bladdered on the Friday and my big toe was stinging from gout but Pie Arse PT got me around a 5k the next day in a time I was very pleased with. I just down know how he does it” Claire from Liverpool said “Wow my first half marathon was a piece of piss and I wish I could marry Pie Arse PT, Oh hang on a minute I am married to him what a hunk chunk” So if you want results to be proud of text “PIE” to 85967 and become the next project for Pie Arse PT because if Pie Arse PT didn’t run he would soon be Eric Pickles.
For those of you thinking what the fuck that picture is read this
Big up to Emma (Sister in law) who with the help of Pie Arse PT (*Only half marathons must be fucking daft to do a full one ) went on to complete the full Liverpool marathon. Something I know about and the hard work and pain it takes to do the training for a full marathon and complete the race deserves a medal oh and a t-shirt. I jest of course its very very hard.
So Friday and I had ducked all the TV debates etc for my own sanity but I found myself just coming in from walking the dogs to the big one starting. So OK not a head to head but a chance to hear “Strong and Stable” and “For the many not the few” for a few more times and making me a bit more unstable. Now in the interests of remaining impartial and the fact that all media outlets have strict rules to play by I will review the question session openly and fairly.
First up was Darth May from The Managed Decline Party The Conservative Party who was to put it nicely shaking like a shitting dog for large parts of the time she was on stage. First question up should have been from Tarquin of Henley “Prime Minister where have you been for the last 5 weeks” It is sadly all predictable the way things will go but its quite clear that Darth May is on the edge of something and it might be victory but it also looks like a breakdown.
Second up was Obi Wan Corbyn a man so deranged that he actually does not want to press a button that will mean the slaughter of millions of innocent people (Remember what Darth May done to the people of Alderaan) again its all too predictable the way things go with these things as he gets slaughtered for hanging around for people who were letting off bombs but then gets a telling off for not wanting to drop big fuck off world bombs ?
Under a week now until election night and this here blog with have the privilege of live blogging its third election 2010 HERE2015 HERE and let me say this here and now. If the Tories win this election thats me off the news and current affairs grid. It might make this blog slightly less exiting and deffo less biased but if the country goes this way you can fucking reap what you sow. I might have about 30 years left on this planet and it will be bubble Fay from the 10th of June. Why not Friday 9th June you ask. Well for one last day that I have booked off work I will lie in my own tears and puddles of piss unable to move through fear of what the next five (plus) years have in store. I will then get very drunk and wake up on the 10th of June in the republic of Faymondo. Its most probably where “They” want me to be but “its like that and its the way it is”
*Disclaimer if Darth May only increases her majority by a few seats and there is still hope come June 9th I might still be on board for a Britain for the many not the few. What did I just say ? Fucking slogans. Tell Sid about fucking slogans.
Well as for the rest of the weekend I am off to find the magic money tree. My mum used to ask if we had one down the bottom of the garden. We didn’t it was called the bank of dad. The bank of dad would be right behind the ethics of for the many not the few but wincing at the actually slogan. Come Friday I think he might be better off where he is and thats in an urn of ashes buried in my sisters garden !!
