FAO Wives and girlfriends. World cup 2010 house rules.

Ive seen this in an email for previous world cups but I think its a good reminder to all wives and girlfriends. Mrs Fay knows these off by heart per the pre nup she signed designated to all major sporting events.

Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend,

1. From 11th June 2010 to 11th  July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor….It won’t happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?” because, the reply will be, “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Peace

Fay x x

Peppa pig snubs Labour, election update

So the big news after the two leadership debates is that Labour have slipped into third place in some polls. The breaking news today is that Peppa Pig is now snubbing Labour as well. Talk about kicking a man (Gordon Brown) when he is down. Peppa Pig has withdrawn her from a Labour party election event. The pre-school character was due to visit a children’s centre later as part of Labour’s launch of their manifesto for families. In a news release, Labour had said it was delighted that Peppa Pig had accepted the party’s invitation to join Work and Pensions Secretary Yvette Cooper and Cabinet Office minister Tessa Jowell on a visit to a children’s centre to highlight Labour’s policies to support families. Peppa Said “I am a well known fan of Sure Start children’s centres but, in the interests of avoiding any controversy or misunderstanding, we have agreed she should not attend.” Well poor old Labour losing the support of the “Pig” family. This got me to do a bit of research on the other political interests of Peppa Pig characters. Mummy and Daddy pig are long standing Labour voters with Grandpa pig being a staunch old skool Labour voter and was often seen on the picket lines during the 70’s and 80’s and there is even rumours of links to the Labour millitant of the 1980’s Liverpool council. I did contact Derek Hatton on the link but he could only confirm that the council sold some land off very cheaply to Grandpa Pig who then made a killing by building property on it. Its seems the “Rabbit’s” vote Tory and are looking for tax breaks for the richest together with shitting all over the city of Liverpool and this causes some confliction in the workplace as we all know that daddy pig works with Mr Rabbit, although this does not stop them going dogging together at the weekends. The Sheep family are new Liberal voters after recently switching over from Plaid Cymru, the party of Wales and my last bit of research regarding this was on the zebra family. Surprisingly the Zebra’s were found to vote for the BNP. Which given that the Zebra is both black and white is quite ironic (dont you think.) So the whole election campaign takes a twist after Peppa snubs labour, but they should not worry too much a Peppa is indeed too young to vote and my obsession fueled by my children’s obsession with Peppa Pig is getting to scary levels, see previous Peppa Pig blog A Peppa Pig Christmas. In late breaking news it seems that Peppa has indeed turned up for a conservative event today as this exclusive picture shows. I hope the little runt is made into M&S finest cocktail sausages.

Peace, oink

Fay x x

Update more here on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8646601.stm

No more floppy’s and lost inheritance.

So another bit of tech bites the dust. It will be impossible to get a floppy anymore. No I havent just received a new batch of Viagra its the end of the floppy disc. Sony has signalled what could be the final end of the venerable floppy disk. The electronics giant has said it will stop selling the 30-year-old storage media in Japan from March 2011. Earlier this year Sony stopped selling the disks in most international markets due to dwindling demand and competition from other storage formats. Now, the firm – which claims to have produced the first 3.5in (9cm) disks in 1981 – has decided to halt sales completely faced with competition from online storage and portable USB drives. So consigned to history with the music cassette of which I have about 300 up in the loft and also the video tape as well. How long will the CD last and I wonder what other bits of kit will pass with time ? How long until we dont use mobile phones ? The day will come. Speaking of mobile phones here is a story from the BBC. Web Site. An error which led to a private mobile phone number appearing on screen during an episode of EastEnders compromised privacy, Ofcom has ruled. Lisa Edwards’ number was briefly displayed above a text message received by Ricky Butcher from Sam Mitchell. Mrs Edwards says she received 2,800 messages after the episode was aired in September, some of them abusive. (What like Ricky Butcher your a knob head ?) The BBC is uncertain how the number was shown on the prop phone but would ensure details were cleared in future. First of all you must be pretty bored to send text messages to a phone number which appeared on Eastenders. Did these people think they were actually texting Ricky Butcher ? Imagine it was your phone and all of a sudden you received over 2000 text messages. I would be expecting Jeremy Beadle to rise from the dead with his big grin saying I had been framed. At this point I resist temptation to skit his dodgy hand as the man is now dead has has been cremated meaning technically he now has no hands. So if I was a member of cast on BBC I would put up a number on a mobile thats being used and make sure it was a premium rate text number that charged a tenner a go. Nice little profit there and if your a muppett who texts in mobiles numbers used in props in fictional soaps then the very least you deserve is to be stung for a tenner.

Now a tenner a text is bus fare if you mum who is worth £2.1 million pounds dies. Well you would think so but a millionaire socialite has left her daughters less than a pound each because she believed they conspired in her mother’s death. Australian Valmai Roche, who died last year aged 81, bequeathed her children and ex-husband $1.5 AUD “blood money” – worth 90p – from her estate, which is reported to be worth around £2.1m. But two of her daughters have claimed their mother was “delusional” and are challenging her will in the South Australian Supreme Court. The former mayoress of Adelaide left “30 pieces of silver of the lowest denomination of currency” to her family – which translates as 30 five cent coins each – claiming it was “blood money due to Judas”. Lets hope they are not watching Neighbours and a phone number comes up on Lou Carpenters mobile phone and blow the 90p inheritance.

So the first BBQ of the season last Saturday and any excuse for multiple consumption of sausages, burgers and hot dogs washed down with lots of beer is a winner by me. We ended up having the in laws around and several drinks later watched a load of clips of old Liverpool on the TV on you tube on my Apple T.V. Scoring some brownie points there with the inlaws who will be having the kids when me and Mrs Fay and friend go to Glastonbury in June. Lets hope we have a nice enough summer to have a lot more. So against this feast I have now been the gym 6 days on the run which is a record for me. Lets see how long this lasts eh. Hope to make my footy comeback in early May just in time to play the police again. Thats your lot for this blog im off to check my Dads and Nan’s will ha ha ha.

Peace

Fay x x

Goldfish at last !!!! and big US lotto winner.

So the time has finally come and after much pressure from the kids I have allowed them to have their first pet. Gotta start where all kids start and thats some goldfish. The difference from when  I won one at Sefton Park fair in 1980 is that nowadays you go to a special pet shop (Pets at home, other pet shops are available) and you just cant buy one and lash it in a bowl. We went last Friday to buy the kids some fish but were advised that we had to buy a tank with a pump (We got a lovely princess one) and then add some stuff to the water and then wait a whole week until you put the fish in. The kids were disappointed but it was a week were the parents took advantage could bribe some good behaviour out of them on the back of owning one empty fish tank. So the week soon passed and I went to the pet shop to get a lovely LED light for the tank and then we would have to wait until the eldest finished school to buy the fish. Lots of animals in Pets at home on Speke retail including Lizards and Rabbits which all kids like, rabbits that is. It seems nowadays that lots of mummies have special rabbits which they keep in a drawer upstairs !!! Moving on quickly and it was time to get the fish. So we went straight from school and arrived at the shop inly to see a sign on all the fish that they had just arrived and wouldnt be sold until 6pm ! So it was back home with the excited kids and we went back around at 6.15. These fish were proving hard to get and I think smuggling drugs in is easier than buying fish from Pets at home. So we asked for a fish each for Charlotte and Elizabeth only to be told they can only sell us one fish. We would have to come back next week with a sample of water and then they will let us buy a second fish. Fookin ell I think next time I will offer the kids to adopt a small Malawian child like Madonna. Im sure there are less restrictions and a higher chance of getting two of them as I had to supply my name and postcode together with a signature to get this £3.99 goldfish ! So it was back home with one fish and “Poppy” is settling in well (se picture below.) Mrs Fay is gonna go around next week and blag another fish for Charlotte. I’m sure it wasnt this hard to buy a fish when I were a lad.

So another lotto winner in the states. Chris Shaw, 29, only had $28.96 left in his bank account and was facing a mountain of bills when he scooped the Powerball jackpot of 260 million dollars. He said he planned to use the winnings to pay off the $1,000 he owes a friend for a truck he recently bought, and see a dentist about getting his two missing front teeth replaced. He also wants to take his three children and his girlfriend’s two children to Disney World in Florida. “We didn’t come from money. For us it’s just going to be a huge relief to know I’m going to be able to pay my electric bill, my gas bill,” Mr Shaw said. “It’s like a weight lifted. I had bills at home – I didn’t know how they were going to be paid.” He bought the $5 ticket at the Break Time convenience store where he works in Marshall, about 80 miles east of Kansas City. The tattooed winner – who earns just $7.25 an hour – was presented with his cheque at the Missouri Lottery headquarters in Jefferson City wearing a brown and red plaid shirt, a hat and a huge grin. “That amount of money to me is like a fairy tale,” he added. “I’m just a regular guy working pay cheque to pay cheque. Well not any more.” I can see some Thunderbirds being cracked open tonight by Mr Shaw and he can pop down his local dentist as well next week. I am still not convinced that winning the lotto would bring me the utopia that some people think it brings. I wouldnt mind somebody else winning it and boxing me off though. I hope Mr Shaw copes well with his new found wealth and for now as long as ive got enough dollar for some Marks & Spencer wine and crisps each weekend, that will do me. If I fall on hard times I can throw our new fish on the George Foreman grill. The kids wont be able to tell the difference with a bit of tommy k on the side of the plate.

So another blog over and this bastard fish better live longer than a few weeks as I dont think I can go through all the red tape to buy another one legally. Enough to drive you to drugs. Anybody know a dealer, no not that type a fish dealer were I can just buy a pair and bang them in a tank.

Peace

Fay x x

A viva Espana, who need air travel ?

And so since Thursdays blog the whole of the UK air travel has been grounded by the eruption of a volcano in Iceland. Happy days if your on holiday, providing you have got some extra money left for booze and burger kings. Happy days if you work in an airport I suppose and what about Gary Lineker’s epic journey to get back to the BBC to present match of the day. From Tenerife to London in 24 hours. Thats some dedication. How many of you would have made such an effort to get back to work ? Nope I thought you wouldnt. So it seems some flight will be back on and maybe the end is in sight to the flying problems although its gonna take a few weeks to get back to normal. Im a bit gutted really as when this happened I went out and bought a whole load a shares in Amberline coaches, hoping to make a quick killing as we all went back to the 80’s and had to travel by coach to Spain. We couldve off all settled down to a mammoth trip with a few videos on the way like Rambo or Rocky and bought some warms cans of coke for a rip of price. On the way back the same dodgy crew of scousers would have their cases packed with cheap ale and ciggies and all be bright red after not putting on any suntan lotion. Space underneath the coach was limited as there were a herd of whicker donkeys being brought back and entire families were kitted out in “I love Salou” t-shirts. All together now “Oh, This year i’m off to Sunny Spain, eviva Espana, I’m taking the Amberline coach, eviva Espana. If you’d like to chat a matador, in some cool cabana, and meet senoritas by the score, Espana por favor”

Thursday also brought us the first leadership debate of the current general election. I managed to stay awake through the whole thing but there wasnt much of note going on. Couldve been worse thought and I might of had to sit through a whole episode of Glee or Britains Got Talent. So here is hoping that this Thursdays is better and after some phone calls to the Liverpool (in)Direct call centre my forms have been received so that I will get a vote after being booted off the electoral list. I did note the council were quick enough to boot me off the list for not living at my address, yet happily taking my direct debit for my council tax. So Friday came around and I gave my daughters the option of going anywhere they wanted and the choice was Speke Retail park and Calderstones Park. So whilst around”The retail” as we like to call it I decided to but the kids their first pets. Well nearly as the pet shop wouldnt sell us any fish as we have to take the tank home and have it running for a week before the fish can go in it. News to me and the kids were pretty upset but this was soon remedied by pulling out a few eater eggs in the house and the pain was soon forgotten. So this Friday we can go and buy our fish (Names to be Peppa and Poppy so far) and introduce them to their new home, namely a princess fish tank.

The weekend brought a few beers in my mates, and yes we did watch a bit of Britains Got Talent before some young bint who played the drums last year came back with his family. I said they would be shit and the judges would say you can have another go if you just drum again. I wonder what happened ? Well lets just say we switched the shite off and watched a rerun of Thursdays leadership debate. Sunday was a visit to my sisters for a sunday lunch of burger and chips. Thats just me who has burger and chips the rest of the family have a lovely roast, despite most of them trying to rob some of my chips. First week of yet another fitness regime went well. I dragged myself the gym four times, even if it was only light workouts due to my dodgy ankle and also I only had a bevvy on Thursday and Saturday, which is 2 sessions down from 4. Gonna try for just the one night this week, oh look there’s a flying pig (Only at low level due to the ash cloud)

Peace

Fay x x

15th April, a TWAT of a day.

So the 15th of April comes around yet again and its a day I dont look forward to. 15/04/1989 and its now 21 years since Liverpool fans went to Hillsborough for a F.A.Cup semi final and 96 of them died. I didnt go the match that day but had friends who did and I still remember making the phone calls that evening wondering what I would do if I heard any bad news. All my close friends made it back. There was however one lad who I played football with who did not. His name was Philip Hammond. He was only 14 and I has played in teams with him from Sudley juniors through to APH. He was a good player, that good that he was in the year below us but often played with my year. Hid dad Philip Hammond Senior has been a tireless campaigner for justice for those fans. What a shocking waste of a life, the truth will be told one day and many people need educating about the facts of Hillsborough. Not much more needs to be said today, but remember never buy the sun.

As if by some cruel twist of fate 15/04/2006 came around and after battling cancer for the best part of 10 years my mum finally died after some time in a hospice. She was brave to the end and went through so much in those 10 years and I grab the positives that she seen me get married, and have our Eldest Elizabeth. It pains me that she never got to see Charlotte, and time does heal things a bit but certain dates stick out. Both my daughters have Lillian as a middle name after my mum so they will always remember nana. Just a short blog today and I will be having a drink later on and remember my mum and those footy fans who went to see a match but never returned.

Peace

Fay x x

14 year olds on the piss. 1990 Old skool reunion

Ahhhhh Tuesday night and half the working week done. I managed to drag myself over the gym after work but alas the ankle is still dodgy and the world cup dream looks over. At 36 I dont think I will get another chance at a world cup so that means my last major final was the Liverpool schools under 19 cup final which we lost the final at Melwood. Im a bit depressed at not being able to play footy etc and my pants are feeling the stress as well. Enough to drive me to drink. So maybe this young boy has an injury as well. At just 13, Macaulay said he regularly drank half a bottle of vodka. After one drinking incident, he ended up in Liverpool’s Alder Hey Hospital. But his mother says she cannot control her son’s behaviour away from the family home. Several months after speaking to Panorama, his mother says Macaulay, now 14, is not drinking. Here is a link to a video which is from Panorama on BBC. http://news.bbc.co.uk/panorama/hi/front_page/newsid_8608000/8608102.stm Lets be positive and the fact that Macaulay now doesnt drink wine anymore after having a bad experience after necking 4 bottles “on the sly” Nothing down for this lad me thinks but fair play to his mother who says she can control him but not 24 hours a day. So errr thats you cant control him then in my book. Sometimes I do despair about the future for kids and everybody else who will have to put up with these fuckers. Its even worse when its on your doorstep. So is this any different to me necking bottle of Merrydown cider down Otterspool prom in the spring of 1990 getting down to some dance classics ? Did my parents have me under control ? Is this pot, kettle an black ? Well im here 20 years later non the worse for it and look back fondly at those times bopping to Mantronix. Was I spoilt rotten ? I dont think Macaulay will be in a similar position to me in 20 years time, just a hunch. If you can bring yourself to watch it there is more, Spoilt Rotten?, a Panorama special, BBC One, Tuesday, 13 April at 9pm.

So with that I am proud to announce a back to Otterspool prom retro night to take place down where the old bowling green was (Shed now burnt down) Its a free event and all you have to do is bring numerous bottles of Thunderbirds and Merrydown. This event is strictly over 35’s only so if your reading this Macaulay you cant come (but yer ma can ! ) We will be playing the very best of 1990’s dance on our double cassette player which has high speed dubbing. Choons on the list include “Welcome” by Gino Latino “Dirty Cash” The Adventures of Stevie V and “Fascinating Rhythm” by Bassomatic. Me personally cant wait for anything by the FPI Project ” Risky” and “Going Back To My Roots” The event will be on Friday 24th April which gives us all enough time to save our bus and dinner money up so we can buy some ale. I will get it for us as I look the oldest and have some blag ID. The event will finish at 9.30 with an after party trip to Steves chippy and enough time for us all to be in by 10 so we dont get grounded for a week. Ski suits and acid house hooded tops are optional and British Knights baseball boots are a must and for males the big flowing fanny head hairstyle will go down a treat. Ive just got myself a cracking Soul II Soul tshirt and an Africa pouch so im all ready to bust some moves. Was it really 20 years ago !!!!

Peace

Fay x x