More family neglect and Eurovision.

So fresh on the back of neglecting the kids so much that they have turned to worship the chuckle brothers (See previous blog) I regret I have to report more family neglect. It was Saturday afternoon and Mrs Fay and the kids went to the in-laws for the evening. I decided to take a chance of a little snooze on the couch to recover lost energy from the gym. Whilst snoozing the phone went a couple of times which I ignored thinking if its for me they will phone my mobile. So it was around 6.30 and the phone went again, this time waking me up for good. I got up an dialed 1471. The number was my nan’s. It was then I realised with my sister being away it was my duty to feed my nan. That meant her traditional Saturday treat from Steves chippy in Aigburth Vale. How could I let a 94 year old starve to death ? We normally get her chippy tea at 5.30 so she had been ringing for an hour whilst I was snoozing. Poor nan she must be on the edge of starvation. She had lived through two world wars but god forbid if anybody doesnt bring her a chippy tea on Saturday they would be no better than Hitler. I was stuck in ours with no car, how could I explain that I had forgot her chippy tea ? Forgive me father for I have sinned. There was only one option, lie. So I phoned my nan from my mobile and said ” I’ve been trying to ring you but you have been engaged. We have been on a family day out but got stuck in traffic. Mrs Fay will be along in a few mins with your chippy tea” So before Bob Geldolf had time to release a charity single in aid of my nan’s famine Mrs Fay went around and got her a chippy tea. Every cloud has a silver lining because she dropped a portion of for my tea as well. So unless my nan has bought a new ipad and is reading this blog (very unlikely as it took her over 10 years to get used to the numbers on the cable TV box) I think I got away with that one ;0) But can you ever trust a word from my lying sinning lips again ?

So Saturday night and the Eurovision song contest was on. Yes I know its shite but I am drawn to watch it every year. In fact Grand Prix motor racing is just as shite but I end up watching that as well. I think it goes back to being a child and getting my first erotic tingle when Bucks Fizz took their dresses off. All those countries seemed so far away then when they rung through their votes and I have always had a strange fetish for scoreboards (pre computer graphics days) Spent many a year watching Eurovision with my mum settled down with a can of Irn Bru and some crisps and a twix. So I marked every song and my two top tips after the performances were Romania 33/1 and Albania 150/1. There was only one thing to do and have £1 each way on them with my online bookies. So with a new level of sadness in my life I had sat through all 26 songs (Spain had to perform twice after a pitch invasion which I thought was part of the show at first)  and tweeted through them all with other like minded saddo’s. So the UK came and went and it was a piss poor performance. I wish the London Boys were still alive so they could sing “London Nights” on our behalf. Next year I am going to get together with my DJ/Producer/Fellow drunk Colin Airey and write an entry for 2011. As the songs were performed I suddenly realised that there was a little bit of BNP coming out in me (my initials are NF after all) I just didnt like any song which wasnt performed in English. My god, a closet racist, I will be buying the Daily Mail next and saying “send them all home.” So the Spanish got a chance to sing again after the Spanish Invasion (poor pun, must be running out of gags for my blog) He was still shite and all the crowd should have invaded the stage this time. So time for the best bit and the scoring. Is it traditional if your a member of a band you must wave a flag like a twat ? Germany won easily in the end and Romania got me a place to win some beer tokens. During the last couple of votes the family came back from the in-laws and Elizabeth sat with me and cheered any points for Romania. It brought memories back of me watching Eurovision with my late mother and was quite a poignant moment soon replaced with I wonder when im expecting a chippy tea when im in my 90’s would Elizabeth lie when she forgot ? Time will only tell. So no neglecting of the family today, off to more in-laws with the family, wish me luck. I jest of course, or am I lying. Who knows ?

Peace

Fay x x

See you in Germany for Eurovision 2011.

A Fay family announcement for those who dont know.

I am proud to announce to those close friends and family who dont know that the Fay family is going to have another addition. I have been looking forward to this for a few months and its been hard sitting on the secret but I wanted to make sure things went as planned. So I announce that today at about 6pm I caved in and bought an Apple ipad. Yes I know what was I doing but I am an Apple slag and have succumb to all the hype etc. So I darted down to Liverpool 1 once Mrs Fay was in and straight to the Apple shop where there were lots of ipads left. I am very proud I wasnt one of the muppets waiting from 5am in the morning, Instead I a merely a first day sheep. So its syncing as I blog and you will have to wait until late on over the weekend for my ipod review. A sneak preview is that the blog will contain such detail as I have ejaculated over it twice since ive been holding my beloved ipad and rubbing the screen gently. Luckily enough there were some baby wipes on hand as not to spoil my new screen. So Charlotte was packed off to bed and Elizabeth was just as excited as me to play with the new ipad. So a weekend of playing on it and no doubt neglecting the kids (more of that later) and not doing my household chores. Heres the kids with the new addition to the family.

So being the good husband I am, I decided to go to Tesco’s on Allerton Road to get a few bits I needed and Mrs Fay gave me a small list, well it turned out to be a big list. Now considering I was going for Diet Coke, Spaghetti and some crisps that was my non varied diet covered. So Mrs Fay added some stuff for the rest of the family who eat healthily. Little was I to know that this visit to Tezzies was gonna turn into an episode of the crystal maze for me. First up red apples and green apples. Never having eat an apple in my life it was nice to know that they came in different colours. Next was a bag of lettuce. So I guess thats not a cauliflower. After 5 mins I found that item. 100% fat free natural yogut was next on the list. FAIL I came back with some Muller light !!! Quark cheese spread, not a chance I subbed it for diet dairy lea. Done well with the bag of peppers, although guided with a note saying red, yellow and green. I then wasted 10 mins trying to find some soy sauce (light) couldve done with some help from Kenneth Hom. So just 30 seconds left to get the final item and gain a crystal for 5 seconds in the dome. Richard O’Brien was laughing at the lack of my food knowledge. Rice Crispies done. Banana’s done, just mushrooms to get. I had spent what seemed like 4 hours up and down the 2 isles of fresh food products. Hurrah I got them. Never again Mrs Fay will I go to Tezzies for a family shop unless its for burgers , chips, chicken paste and diet coke. Thats time of my life I will never get back.

So I had to work this morning 7-11 (somebody has to pay for fookin ipads) and I have to admit I showed neglect to the children. I had sorted breakfast for them and they were settled down playing with their toys. I came in from the conservatory and it was then it hit me in the face. How could I of left them alone ? What kind of parent am I ? What will Mrs fay say or social services if they are informed ? There right in front of me the kids were sat on special chairs they had pulled up to the TV. What was on………shit it was Chucklevision. Nooooooo how could this of happened. Barry and Paul Chuckle the pair of cunts their on my lovely Samsung TV. The kids glued and unmoved as I took a photo (see below) Worse was to come it was a double fookin bill. Aghhhhh well on the bright side I will be going to HMV tomorrow to buy a chucklevision DVD and lashing it on to brainwash the kids into a trance whilst I play on my ipad. “To me, to you”

Peace

Fay x x

No baby just yet, gotta let Elizabeth grow up ;0)

Four very lucky children escape.

Midweek blog time and a few crappy days in work with one of the systems I work on playing up. On the bonus side I have managed to go the gym in the day. Much needed after I had beers on Monday night (4th night running tut tut.) I watched some of the England game and as with most friendlies I have had more fun putting my bollocks in a cheese grater which was straight from a hot oven. So I switched over to watch the premier league darts on sky which was delayed from the Sunday night as there was a power cut at the venue. Well the power was at the max as Phil “The Power” Taylor score two nine dart finishes. I had never seen one live on the TV never mind two on the same night. The man is amazing. Speaking of darts its just a couple of months until the 11th hosting of our annual darts tournament and I will be aiming to win it for the sixth time. The winner of the bidding for the venue was John Wignell and I will be sure to blog about the tournament after the event.

So Bono (Or should that be god) has done his old “Cadburys snack” in. This means due to his back being fooked he wont be playing Glastonbury on the Friday. Bit pissed off about that but nowt you can do about it. I wouldnt pay to see U2 on their own but I was looking forward to see them perform. In place of U2 its The Gorrilaz. Not too impressed with that as I dont think they are headline material but hey might be worth going to see Groove Armarda instead. Other artists I am looking forward to seeing are Mcintosh/Ross, Seasick Steve, The Pet Shop Boys, Faithless, Norah Jones, and DJ sets from Fat Boy Slim and Roger Sanchez although once you get me in a dance tent I might never make it out of there. 28 days and counting to Glasto and look out for a daily blog from the site.

So here are three lucky escapes for 4 lucky children. Two of which were on the new today ( 2 &  4) First up is this one from October 2009 and a pram rolls onto the track at a Melbourne train station just as a train comes in.

Escape number two and its more of the same with a 15 month baby ending up on the track once again in Melbourne.

So child three and its Texas and a baby in the middle of the road. Thats one alert bus driver.

And finally lucky child number four is a boy in an Istanbul shopping centre who decided to go for a ride on the outside of an escalator. Good catch by the shopkeeper. Some Aussie light humour at the end of the clip !

So four lucky kids who have been blessed from above. Thats your lot from this video based blog and the clips you seen tonight are very rare so remember please dont have nightmares.

Peace

Fay

15th Bday, Haydock races and day of culture (ish)

Well over a week since I last blogged and a lot to catch up on. Last Friday afternoon I took Charlotte down to Otterspool prom to enjoy some rare nice weather and also have a picnic. This was nor ordinary pinic it was a Marks & Spencers picnic. How my youngest has such high standards. The definition of a picnic when I was young was a pack of Ringo’s a United biscuit and a carton drink. I then had to take Elizabeth swimming at The IM Marsh and whilst she was swimming me and Charlotte had a walk around the campus. I proudly walked past the spot where I set the world record for swigging a bottle of Merrydown Cider in 2 swigs (Still a record to this day) I admired every roof thinking on how I had been on most of them and then thinking how bloody dangerous was that. There were also more secluded spots of the I.M Marsh that could tell a few stories but I am sworn to secrecy to protect my friends and myself. Have to save that for the autobiography. We had a playscheme in the I.M Marsh for a few summers and I recalled how I would take my Wham “Make it big” L.P to the end of playscheme disco. I spent a large chunk of my childhood on the I.M Marsh so it felt strange walking around there with my 2 1/2 year old and the eldest 5 1/2 swimming where I had lessons. So from being transported back to being 15 again it was onto a 15th birthday party in the evening. It was my mates eldest Jacks 15th birthday party and a good excuse for us adults to have a few beers in the late spring sun an a BBQ. Whilst chatting later on to a mate Gary he recalled how when he was 15 we took him to Garlands !!! Funny thing was it was one of the best nights out we ever had and I fail to recall how we got him into the place as he only looks about 21 now some 15 years later but the mid 90’s is a blurrrrr mannnnn. So with it being 1.30 am in the morning I made the sensible decision to call it a night as I was off to Haydock races in the morning for a day out with my old work mates.

11.00 am and I go to Ben’s flat in town just by Tithebarn Street. Cracking view and a lovely sunny day once again. This lad does spoil me and he rustled up a tasty sausage on toast and a can of Stella 4% (It was only 11am and a bit early for old skool Stella) So onto the mini bus at 12 and off to Haydock we would go. Some of the lads were dressed up pretty smart but I decided to opt for a smart casual jeans and shirt for two reasons. Firstly the suit jacket would be a waste of time and I didnt fancy getting Betty Swollocks all day (I did anyway) and secondly I am a tramp and love any excuse to dress down rather than up. So the beers were flowing and 11 drinks in the round seen some funny faces pulled when we ordered from the bar. It must have been a combination of the sun and booze for many people at the races as people were strewn across the grass simply wasted from to much booze. All 11 of us who went were doing well and thanks to a tenner on a four to one shot in the last I only ended up £10 down in the betting stakes which was better than having 7 losers. So it was back onto the mini bus and back to Liverpool where we watched the champions league final in The Slaughterhouse (After a tactical chip barm at the new lobster pot) and after switching to Magners I decided that was enough after the game and swayed home to get the train home. I refuse to line the pockets of taxi drivers when I have my £3.00 return day saver on Merseyrail. What mingebag, me, you know I am. Just a shame that the bookies wouldnt take my biggest bet of the day which would have paid out on the minibus on the way home. Oh well maybe on our next trip out. Oh and big thanks to Mr Crookham for sorting the day out.

So more sun on sunday and a lazy day in my sisters washed down with a few beers in the house in the evening led to just a half day in work due to childcare on Monday and the chance to spend some time on our own with Elizabeth. So it was off to town for some lunch. This time it was gourmet burger in Liverpool one. Once again when I was young it was sausage and chips in the cafe in St John’s market. Im not sure how my kids have ended up with the taste for M&S and gourmet burger !!! So Elizabeth loves going to the more cultural things in life, so we went to the conservation centre (Not overly impressed with that) and then we went onto the museum which she loves, which was much better. My nan is 95 this year and she is going on display for a few weeks in November in the ancient history section on the 4th floor. So the final stop of the day was the art gallery, where we went to the kids section which has lots of activities to do. Me and Elizabeth made a caterpillar each from the art and craft stuff. Now I am a piss artist but have never had any artistic skills in my life and can just about draw a matchstick man. However today I made the best thing I have ever made. In fact it was that good that when Elizabeth was playing with her caterpillar Charlotte had her beady eye on mine to play with but I didnt want my thing of beauty to be destroyed. So I give you “The Caterpillar” By Neil George Fay aged 36 and a half.

So a few days spent with friends and family with a few drinks thrown in. The best things in life are free, well if you avoid M&S and gourmet burger !

Peace

Fay x x

A rare world championship and health warnings.

So another weekend passed and the slog of work begins once again. Saturday was spent at a friends party. His sister was back from Canada for a visit so after a couple down The Kingsman it was onto his. Due to no babysitter I was chosen to represent the “Fay” monarchy so I went on my own. What was planned as a quiet night ended up with me getting in about two in the morning and I resisted calls to stay up for the Amir Khan fight. In true party style I done think I moved from within 3 meter’s from the fridge. It was nice to see Yvette back from Canada although I dont know where her fella Mark Was ? Sunday I enjoyed a nice lie in past 10am which was very enjoyable and a lazy day watching sport. Indeed I witnessed a very rare sight indeed. England World champions. So OK it was only 20/20 which is a mini version of pyjama cricket but beating the Aussies in any final is good stuff indeed. So a bit of sun today and some nice warm temps. Looking at my Glastonbury countdown clock its now 36 days until we go. I pray for some nice weather for that weekend which would be the icing on the cake. It will be my first time at Glastonbury and I am looking forward to it indeed. More nearer the time and with the aid of modern technology I am hoping to blog each morning live from my tent !!

So with the nice weather (Well one day) I was working with the conservatory doors open until 5.45 tonight and the waft of a BBQ on the go weaved through the doors right up my nose. What a smell that is. My first thought was bastard its a Tuesday and I cant really have a BBQ and skinfull of ale. So bad news when I read the latest sausage survey. (Ooo er missus.) Eating processed meat such as sausages increases the likelihood of heart disease, while red meat does not seem to be as harmful, a study suggests. A Harvard University team which looked at studies involving over one million people found just 50g of processed meat a day also raised the risk of diabetes. Another no shit Sherlock report. Always somebody spoiling you fun. I will tell you what should have a health warning, the two smug bastards below.

So we await the new budget from the “con/dem” government in a few weeks and already there is rumours that the new Royal Hospital in Liverpool might be axed saving £450 million. Its also nailed on that VAT will rise, possibly to 20%. This is just for starters and im sure two new lovers of Westminster have lots of things up their collective sleeves once they manage to fiddle a fixed 5 year period in office. Dont say you havent been warned. Maybe a cunning plan would to overdose the pair on sausages and the likes and bring on early heart disease ? Just a thought.

And finally as Sir Trevor Mcdonald would say. Men are more likely to tell lies than women and feel less guilty about it, says a survey. In a poll of 3,000 people, researchers found that the average British man tells three lies every day, that’s equivalent to 1,092 a year. However the average woman appears more honest, lying 728 times a year – around twice a day. So there you go. I’m off to make Mrs Fay a cup of tea, put a DVD on for her and put her feet up as I do the washing up and hoovering and then spoil here with a selection of the finest chocolates and freshest flowers the world has ever seen. Thats 7 lies in one sentence only 1085 left in the next year to tell.

Peace

Fay x x

Richard Herring review and a toilet trip.

So Wednesday evening and a rare date out with Mrs Fay to watch the comedian Richard Herring per form at Baby Blue in The Albert Dock. Had a lovely gourmet burger before hand and a few pints to get me in the mood. It was just on 10pm by the time Mr Herring came on stage and because of that there wasnt the usual interval that he has mid show. This was the last time he would perform his “Hitler Moustache”  (HM) show. The basis of the show is that he is trying to reclaim the toothbrush moustache back for comedy. Hitler had stole it from Charlie Chaplin. So Richard Herring grew a hitler moustache and he includes tales of what happened to him when he had the moustache. Herring is close to the knuckle at times but I like my comedy raw. There had been a gap between his last performance of HM to his last in Liverpool. This showed in his performance but he admitted to his cock ups and didnt take anything away from the performance. He had decided to not make the Madeline McCann joke in his set for not wanting to offend anybody and he wasnt there to cause controversy  and get some publicity although did let slip a Liverpool child killers line which is just as controversial but stuff like that doesnt offend me as they are throwaway lines and not delivered with any malice. (Might be a different story if your directly involved with the events but if that is the case im sure a throwaway line by a comedian is the least of your worries.) So as mentioned this was the last performance of the show so you cant go and see it but it will be out on DVD later in the year, or you can catch his new show “Christ on a bike.”  So a good night all around and limited myself to just the six drinks, ha ha ha.

So on our way home and I was caught short by the six drinks I had consumed. Only one option, to go in the car park toilets in Liverpool One. I prepared myself for the stench and the possibility of meeting a smack head if the experience in Mount Pleasant car park is anything to go by. I hadnt been for a burst all night so it was gonna be 6 pints worth of lager on the way out making it a long thing, thats the wee not the instrument it was going to come out of ! I held my breath and in I went. Wow, for a moment I thought I had died and gone to toilet heaven. The place was gleaming with white urinals and posh basins to wash your hands in. The hand dryer was even made by Dyson. This cant be a bog in a car park in Liverpool city centre I thought. I lapped up the fresh air and washed my hands in comfort and on my way out thought what a wasted trip, this toilet was deserving of a large poo. Oh well maybe next time. On the mingebag point of view I now have these toilets for future reference as the proper toilets in Liverpool 1 charge you twenty pence and just 100 meters away you can go free in the car park. I make that after 13 visits @ 20p thats enough to save enough to save to buy an extra pint to piss away in my new found toilet heaven.

Peace

Fay x x

Police lose, RIP Peppa and Sky News madness

So I made it to 4.30 am on election night and took the wise decision not to stay up as it was clearly a hung parliament. No point in staying up to see the next prime minister and 5 night later I would of still been awake. So the great democracy we live in we could end up with yet another prime minister that we didnt vote for. Now I know you dont vote for a prime minister blah de blah but many people think of it that way. Must be a very stressful time for Nick Clegg deciding who’s bitch he is going to be and looks like its a stressful time on Sky News as the next two clips show. Clip one is Sky News political editor Adam Boulton going for it against Labour’s Alistair Campell. Boulton also lost his rag later on that evening with another Labour person Ben Bradshaw. Boulton really showing his colours there me thinks.

Next is another Sky News clip this time of Kay Burley interviewing a protestor. If I was the protestor I would of told Burley where to go live on air. Go home and watch that on sky news you cow.

So there you go Sky News gagging for the tories to get in. So I went the gym straight from work yesterday ( A good 90 mins cardio) and then straight to the pictures to lose my 3D virginity (Just an excuse for a hot dog.) Clash of the Titans was the film and I must say I was very impressed with the 3D (Looking forward to 3D porn !!! )  Its come on leaps and bounds since the Tomorrows World efforts in the mid 80’s with your blue and red paper glasses and somebody just puffing smoke on the screen at you. The film itself wasnt too good but before it showed a sneak preview of Toy Story 3D which looks great. So I came out from the pictures and alas we had a Tory PM after Nick Clegg decided to take it up the arse from Cameron. The ConDem nation as its being called. Oh well expect lots of job losses on the way but every cloud has a silver lining and more people will claim housing and council tax benefit which means more work for me but Mrs Fays job in the public sector might be under threat. As somebody pointed out it was quite ironic that when I stayed up very late to watch the election that when the shit happens I missed it all. Anyway I reckon there will be an election within 18 months when poor old Cleggy’s bum is too sore to take anymore Tory shafting.

Some sad new to report and the loss of a family member. Peppa the fish died yesterday after a short illness and only a few weeks in our care. Poppy is fine and Charlotte has been told her fish has gone to gan gans (Grandads) school to get better. In other words we have been the pet shop today to sneak a new Peppa into the tank. Amazing how shes grown in 2 days and is not as gold. Hope this one lasts longer. We went to a per shop on Aigburth Road as the gestapo at Pets At Home asked for too many forms and water samples etc to be completed just to buy a bloody gold fish. So a quick recap of the weekends events and Saturday was a small part for a friends lad’s communion or whatever god calls it. His house backs onto the Calderstones school playing fields which I spent many an hour having P.E lessons on. Sunday brought our 4th game against the police and after 3 defeats we finally got a win. The final score was 4-1 after the police taking a 1-0 lead in the second half courtesy of a holwer by our goalie (Sorry Joey) Joey did redeem himself with some fine saves later on as we marched to victory. I played the full 90 mins and was feeling a tad creaky come Monday morning but no pain no gain. We expect the Police to bring out the big guns for a rematch. Off to see Richard Herring tonight at Baby Blue so will blog a review tomorrow.

Quick caption competition, post yours please. Winer gets a jumbo sausage roll.

Peace

Fay x x