So the summer holidays are upon us and the thankless task of keeping the kids amused and the endless list of jobs given for me to do. So Friday is now traditionally swimming with the kids day. Elizabeth can now swim about 10 metres. Ok so its not olympic standard strokes but its enough and her confidence is great in the water as is Charlottes who is a master of the dive bomb unaided even at the age of just under three. Its important to get you kids in the pool early as they then dont develop a fear of the water as some poor child clearly had when his mum was trying to get him in the pool. Poor thing was petrified, not to mention a bit noisy. So then we went to see a friend Dave’s newborn (5 weeks) How cute they are at that age and they cant move and dont answer back and no need to tell them what to do. Then you remember they keep you up all night and are a machine of shite and sick and beating them at Wii bowling doesnt quite have the same satisfaction as beating Elizabeth. Speaking of which I am still unbeaten at Wii bowling. I refuse to let her win as soon she will win of her own accord and the sense of achievement for her will be good as will her seeing me disappear upstairs with a cob on. So it was then back to ours for lunch. So we decided to give out traditional Marks and Spencers picnic a miss and instead Daddy (Jamie Oliver) decided to rustle up a new recipe. This was a succulent selection of noodles with a hint of chicken combined with frankfurters smoked on natural beechwood. Also knows as Tesco value noodles and hertha hot dogs but now given the great name of “Noodle dogs.” The “Noodle dogs” went down a treat with the kids. They wait in anticipation of next fridays culinary delights and if all goes well I expect to have in the shops just in time by chrimbo my first book “Cooking with Faymondo” which is guaranteed to be high in saturated fat, salt and low on nutrition but damn tasty, especially after a few alcoholic drinks *Disclaimer it is not recommended for children to drink unless over the age of 13 and on the local park. It seems though somebody has had the idea of “Noodle dogs” after a quick search of the interweb. Look at these bastards, and to think I just cut my hotdogs up and lashed them on top of the noodles. I feel ashamed now.
So after looking after the kids all day its down to the jobs Mrs Fay has left me. Washing, ironing, gardening, dusting and the never ending task of decorating the house. Just as you finish the last room its time for the first one to be done again. I mean come on whats wrong with woodchip wallpaper in each room and then you only have to go over it with a lick of paint. Each room should have only 1 light in with 1 bulb. I will make a special case of the through room I am in now and allow a second bulb. At a quick count there are 6 bulbs in this room. The bathroom is no better again 6 bulbs. Being green is all trendy now so why do 2 rooms have 12 bulbs between them ??? So I decided to get somebody in to help with the decorating, and no it wasnt the father in law as he is away in Greece. All off a sudden with my new handy helper my hate of decorating went. I found that 4 hours of wallpapering went so fast and I had a smile on my face as we worked together and soon the decorating was done and I was feeling upset. Im very proud of the work we have done and like a sad case I took a picture on my iphone so I suppose I should go and post it on here.
I nicked that off twitter and I havent done any housework today but I did make noodle dogs.
Fay x x
So after just over a year blogging, 18 months worth of tweeting and even longer on Facebook the power of Faymondo is spreading. Yes this morning I made it onto Sky News. So lets set to story straight. Ther was some breaking news on Sky News (When isnt there ?) about BP filling stations across London being shut down by activists. Environmental group Greenpeace said it had cut fuel supplies to all 50 BP stations in the city. The oil firm said 35 had been shut. The protesters stopped the fuel by removing safety switches on forecourts. The action comes as BP reported an £11bn loss after the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and confirmed chief executive Tony Hayward is to step down. Greenpeace said it wanted the company to adopt greener energy policies. A BP spokesman said the fuel stations would be reopened as soon as it was safe to do so. Greenpeace said the safety switches will be returned. He described the stunt as “an irresponsible and childish act which is interfering with safety systems”. The organisation’s executive director John Sauven said: “The moment has come for BP to move beyond oil. “We’ve shut down all of BP’s stations in London to give the new boss a chance to come up with a better plan. “They’re desperate for us to believe they’re going ‘beyond petroleum’. “Well now’s the time to prove it.” Sky News presenter Charlotte Hawkins tweeted this news and I replied to her “arrest the lot of them. Oh yeah turn the lights off in the cell to save energy.” So the end of the Sunrise show was nearing when Charlotte read my tweet out. Now OK I know you were expecting me to be on the tele and not some shitty tweet read out even if it was by a tasty newsreader. But from small acorns do oak tree’s grow. Wont be long now before I have my own current affairs show on Five. For the record I have nothing against Greenpeace and agree with many of their views (no such thing as climate change but hey thats for another time) but you just cant go around doing what you want and closing petrol stations. What next the veggies putting up blockades of my local bakery denying me access to sausage rolls. Liverpool fans blocking Goodison so Everton cant play ? I notice the police didnt make any arrests, not like them not to wade in and have a good fight eh ? A mate of mine had a few things read out on Sky Sports news and earned himself the nickname “The voice.” I wonder what they will come up with for me ? So you can see the defining moment of my useless ramblings on the internet below and even get a comment from Eamonn Holmes, good job I didnt skit his weight or I would be hearing from his solicitors. Controversial eh Eamonn.
So how do you follow that ? A Liverpool hospital spent £7,500 on a room for male patients to watch porn in. Liverpool Women’s Hospital installed the video facility to help men giving sperm samples during fertility treatment. Private company North West Fertility paid half the cost because it co-runs the Hewitt Centre, the hospital’s fertility department. Scientific director Dr Stephen Troup said: “The days of men just popping into a cubicle are no longer acceptable and it is perfectly appropriate that suitable resource be invested in producing facilities which are fit-for-purpose, comfortable, discreet and clean. “The main reason for installing a video system was that of cleanliness, with the use of magazines posing a significant infection risk unless one magazine is used per patient and then discarded.” Well its nice to see they have moved on from mags and we have entered the video age. Its been a long time since I popped into the local newsgents and hid a copy of The Razzle inside the footy Echo. I wonder what type of porn it is ? Does it cater for such fetishes as busty foster mums or even hairy Eastern European midgets ? Im happy the days of men just popping into the cubicle are now long gone. I suggest lap dancers and if nurses wanna earn some overtime they can perform extras ! Anyway I am off to continue my global media crusade. Next stop getting a text read out on babecast, which is Sky channel 907, so somebody told me Im then going to pay a little visit to the fertility clinic for media purposes only so I can review it on here.
Fay x x
So another weekend over and another weekend of not going the gym drinking booze in the house and eating lots of munchies. Well ive just been the gym and so the start of another health kick begins. I wonder why I start these at times especially with our 11th annual darts tournament coming this Saturday. I can already feel the booze and munchies passing my lips and some post hangover sausage barms, and I wonder why my pants are getting snugger !! So back to the weekend that has just gone and on Sunday Elizabeth was cutting posters out of her comics. I had bought her a nice new Toy Story 3 poster for her bedroom as well as the game for the xbox 360 that we spent hours playing together over the weekend. She is getting into games now (I know my influence) and weve just finished a nice family game of Wii bowling and I still remain unbeaten, not that I take it serious or anything. So back to the posters and Elizabeth had several ready to put up. Mrs Fay is not to keen on posters but I remember putting numerous shite bands fro the 1980’s on my wall and then buying some massive posters from The Palace on Slater Street. Who would of thought that my ambition in life would swap from my teen dream of owning a fine selection of jumbo posters from The Palace on Slater Street to I cant wait until im a pensioner and going out on the piss every day down Slater Street. From late 1980’s time is hurtling into the early 10’s and on towards most probably 2043 by the time I get my pension. On the bright side the mortgage on my nans house will be paid and she will be 129 still sitting with the fire on two all year around watching episodes of the Bill in 3D. Luckily for Mrs Fay we had no blue tack and the posters were put on the table to put up later . Elizabeth had gone to bed and I looked at the posters to see what was going to go up. First up were a selection on animal posters, various cuddly dogs, kittens etc. Then a dolphin !!! and the TV show The Littlest Pet Shop. It was then the full horror was discovered. It was indeed every parents nightmare. It was a poster of Justin Beiber. Aghhhhhhhhhhhh. Now I dont know much about Beiber. I have seen him trending on Twitter and know he’s some teenage sprog who sings, oh and wherever he goes there are loads of screaming girls. Nothing new there then from The Beatles, through to my sister and the Bay City Rollers onto the Brosettes and Brother Beyond fans of the 1980’s to the Take That girls of the 1990’s who sadly 15 years later are still doing the shame shit not noticing that most of them are in their 30’s and older and if theres nothing worse than a gushing teenage girl its a drunken 30 year old acting like a gushing teenage girl, and yes Mrs Fay is one of them.
So this is the start of it then, soon it will be Beiber music blasting from the bedroom as I shout “turn it down the people in the next road can hear it” and other such classic Dad lines as “Is that music ?? ” the only certainty is that Beiber will have his lifespan and a new kid on the block will occur, although im sure they were out in 1990 ? One crumb of comfort is that Elizabeth doesnt really know who Justin Beiber is but has seen him about. So there is a chance of salvation yet and so every day in the summer holiday Elizabeth will sit down for one hour and have a lesson in music from me. Im off into town tomorrow to find a poster shop and one giant size Seasick Steve poster it is then for this month. I wonder what her mates will say when they come around when a 60 tear old ex tramp with a bushy beard wearing dungarees swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels is plastered on her wall ?
So keeping to the poster and idol theme it got me thinking about who did I have on my walls ? Well I can safely say I didnt really have a crush on a person or band. Obviously not going to admit on here I had a tingle over Boy George from Culture Club but was later told he was a man ;0) I jest of course I was far more hardcore and a lover of Holly Johnson in his Frankie Goes To Hollywood leather gear. So the nearest I got was about 1991 and Catherine Zeta Jones. Come to think of it I still would now. After some research I found one of the posters that graces my bedroom wall. Just printing if off now to sneak into the picture frame that contains our wedding photo that is in our bedroom.
Fay x x
So Griffin, Venables and Moat. The names straight away bring up images from the news over the last week. Each one brings images of anger and people we hate. All of the media outlets feast on such names and the public and easily whipped up into a frenzy, frothing at the mouth. So lets take each one in turn and let me show you there is more to it than meets the eye. I know you have most probably formed your opinions of each of the above names but I want you to look into my eyes. Forget you ever watched breaking news on Sky over the last week indeed in two of the names for a long time. Free your mind, think of a lovely day in July, you know the kind of ones that guarantee a monsoon at least once a day.
First up Griffin, now I know he’s a middle aged buffoon with a middle aged spread and he can be quite outrageous at times but spare some time for Griffin. Griffin is fond of a drink or two and who isnt eh. Its quite obvious that Griffin is of low intellect but why should that cloud our judgment ? Griffin has comedy value and can be seen on BBC now and again. No im not talking question time, im talking family guy. Yes Peter Griffin, husband of Lois and father of Meg, Chris and Stewie. The Star Wars parody’s by Family Guy are very good indeed. As for Nick Griffin, they should have just fucked him of in the first place. I think it was out of order banning him over some lame excuse at the last chance. Just say it straight, your a cunt a racist one at that and you aint coming to our garden party at the palace that is unless Philip Duke of Edinburgh wants to invite you for a few beers and a laugh at the slinty eyed ones !! As the British public voted for at the last election setting the mandate for anybody with a dodgy eye to have no future in politics.
So onto Venables and back to the 1990’s and how we were all let down. Even in recent times there has been a fair bit of lying, deception and manipulation from Venables. Once again at times never out of the glare of the media for dodgy stuff and the odd Panorama exclusive on BBC. Back on the TV for all the wrong reasons again lately (Advert for the Sun, dont ever buy this despicable piece of shite for a newspaper) its Terry Venables. How he broke our hearts in the 1990’s with a defeat in Euro 1996. How now and in the future we would actually be made up with a semi final heartbreak. Indeed who can forget he was actually manager of Barcelona where he earned the nickname El Tel. As for Jon Venables. I was all for giving him a chance as a young child, eveil as he was there was a chance that he might be saved. You cant throw away a key on a child that young. What it seems was never fully reported was the sexual angle of the assault and now how that has come back to haunt us all. He should never set foot in public again until he is lowered into the ground into a coffin and was I wrong ever to think to give him a chance ?
And so you know the script by now and apart from a deep broad ditch which is either dry or filled with water often surrounding a castle and MP’s claiming expenses for cleaning moat’s there is no other Moat than Raoul Moat. The legend that is to some people (see a previous blog.) I mean who would of thought that the police would use dodgy taser’s in the middle of the night to end the stand off and Moat kills himself. Now as we know with the police this was neither accidental or the fault of the police as Moat shot himself and if the police say that it must be true. The report into the death of Ian Tomlinson (Hit and pushed over by UK riot police) told us that there was no need to bring charges against the police officer involved so once again moved along now sonny, theres nothing to see here. There was enough evidence to charge the policeman with assault but the six month deadline had passed !!! On that happy note I bid you goodbye.
Peace (Apart from Griffin, Venables and Moat)
Fay x x
So Sunday came and it was off to Sefton Park for Mrs Fay to do the race for life. So me and the kids went for a nice stroll in the park up to the starting line and the couple of thousand women and kids started of on the 5km run. So after a quick go on the charity mini golf course it was back to the finish to see Mrs Fay come home. I was handed a camera by the father in law to take some pictures for a friend who was also running. So I used my height advantage and was ready for some action shots with the camera. So after a few mins looking at the ladies jogging/sprinting down to the home straight my eyes felt like they were being hypnotized by the oscillations passing me every few seconds. Lets just say there was some, sorry many bosoms without the necessary support that is needed for a jog. Soon I was in a trance and struggling to concentrate on getting the picture of the lady in question passing me. I seen Mrs Fay and tried to get a snap of her but it was just a blur on the picture. It was then I thought shall I just take random shots of ladies. It then dawned on me that (A) The camera wasnt mine and (B) I didnt fancy ending up on the sex offenders register. So anyway I missed the photo that I was requested to take, but to be fair there was a lot of ladies in pink running past and a fair few other distractions on show as well. Congrats to everybody who finished and raised money for such a good cause, even the ones who celebrated with a fag once they finished. Perhaps they were raising money for their future research when lung cancer finally kicks in.
So to Monday and after a couple of hours at Broadgreen Hospital I was given the all clear on my knee, well for now. So now I have no excuse not to hammer the gym apart from 6 cans in the fridge and some munchies. Monday was my wedding anniversary. 7 years, where have they gone ? A lot has happened in them 7 years on a personal note from the highs of getting married, having two kids and going to two champions league cup finals. to the lows of losing my mum, my dad also being ill and the price of jumbo sausage rolls going up by at least 28p. So with the in-laws minding the kids the choice was Steves Chippy and a trip to bargain booze or to go to Maranto’s on Lark Lane. Mrs Fay chose the latter. So we had a few drinks and were in early. No we both had work in the morning and not what your thinking, those delights stopped in the mid 2000’s ;0) So the seven year itch eh, still going strong and in for the long haul, couldve been in and out for manslaughter in 7 years. We didnt do any presents just cards and besides I dont need any Apple products at the moment but one thing I have seen is a Subbuteo Inflatable Soccer Pitch. Measuring 20ft x 12ft there’s enough room inside this squishy enclosure for 4 adults (c’mon, you didn’t think it was for kids, did you?). We suppose you could squeeze in a few extra friends, but seeing as you’ll need a bit of space to pull off those fancy nutmegs we suggest you refrain from full-on pitch invasions. The fun we would have had with one of these a kids come to think of it. I wouldnt mind having a world cup with my mates now using it. One drawback is the price £294.99. Steep indeed but then the hours of fun to be had with it, could just be enough to keep your kids quiet all summer, and the dads as well.
And so onto Tuesday and only one word to describe it “wet” As you may or may not know I am an amateur weatherman in my spare time and you can follow me on Twitter @Liverpoolweath or visit my weather web site Liverpool Weather Live So the stats are so far today 33.3 mm of rain. Thats over an inch. The wettest day I have recorded. That is also as much that fell in April (16.3mm) May (17.0mm) and June (24.4mm). July has seen 66 mm so far and thats more than April, May and June together. So you can see why there has been a hose pipe ban but that shouldnt last much longer. Many roads flooded today as well as public transport disruption. Been an interesting period of weather with the snow earlier on in the year and also a record low temperature of-10.2c. So all we need now is for some heat records to be broken in August. The pic below is from today and I think its Queens Drive by Dovedale Road but is the photographers name taking the piss ?
Fay x x
So working week over after another 5 hours today. Thats 90 hours in 2 weeks and ive made my hours back from Glasto. Friday night I settled down to watch some golf via a BBC stream on my mac and playing Tiger Woods golf on the PS3. Whilst the golf was on J.B Homes the american golfer was towards the end of his round when the commentator said I know what the J is for John but I wonder what the B is for. He asked people to email the answer in. I wasnt gonna email the answer in but I thought I would go on the ipad (Charlotte age 2 1/2 had finished playing on it !!! ) So wikipedia it was. John “Bananaman” Holmes was the answer. I thought im not having that. The his name became John “Billyboy” Holmes. It was then it dawned on me that the request on BBC had provided the chance of some wiki vandalism. So over the next hour J.B Homes attracted numerous middle names as follows “BBC” “Backdoor bandit” “Balls deep” “Betty swollocks” “Bobs your uncle” ” Bellend” “bumboy” “Ballesteros” and finally “Big bastard” Now he is a big bastard but the page was then locked for revision due to BBC live broadcast inspired disruption. I did not know that so many golf followers were wiki vandals. I am a technology nerd but I dont waste time being a wiki vandal. So today I checked again and his name is John Bradley Holmes if we can believe that. Personally I liked John “Backdoor bandit” Holmes as seen below. Although I wouldnt call him it to his face.
So that got me thinking should I go on a wiki vandalism spree ? Who would my targets be ? Who would other peoples targets be ? So first up man of the moment and legend (according to some dickheads) Raoul Moat. Was he really a tree surgeon ??? So on searching the net other gems that been wiki vandalised are Billie Pipers wiki “She likes to suck cock on a weekend for £10” Kayne West was a dope dealing, crack smoking, cocaine sniffing, no talent, immature, cowardly, racist son of a bitch. Even the unknown are not free from a bit of vandalism. The Tennessee Volunteers Football team is known locally as “The vaginas” or “Thundercunts.” So where would I start my vandalism ? Nick Clegg was once a puppeteer and he enjoyed it so much that he decided to be a puppet himself and have the fist of David Cameron inserted into him for the next five years. Johnathon Ross really left the BBC as he was caught in the BBC showers performing a sex act on Barry Chuckle. The Apple iphone4 can be dodgy for some people so we will give them a cover each to try and hide it ! Oh shit thats actually fact (ish) I could go on but one more is that Rod Stewart has an addiction to Sayers cumberland barms, sausage rolls, M&S finest crisps, bottles of rose and most lagers. Come to think of it that is my actual wikipedia entry.
So with the school holidays nearly upon us, yes they are too fooking long even as kids they were never mind being a parent and trying to sort out childcare. But I think we will at least kill one day out with a trip to see Toy Story 3 in 3D. Now I admit the lure of a hotdog and the nerd in me enjoying the 3D technology turns me on more than actually seeing what the next episode of Woody’s life but it is a nice family trip. So no doubt the old Toy Story DVD’s will be out, in fact I will deffo be getting them out as it will be a chance to keep them still and quiet for a couple of hours. Not sure if I should really take them to see it as according to wikipedia at the end of toy story 3 all the toys are tricked into becoming prostitutes to feed Buzz’s new addiction to meow meow (thats why he’s really called buzz) Mr potato head is involved in a tragic accident and becomes a chip barm and Sarge and his bucket ‘o’ soldiers are sent to Afghanistan without the proper equipment and are melted to a blob of plastic in the summer months. I censored myself then as was going to crack a darker gag but thought was I overstepping the line ??
So thats it for another blog. Charlotte in bed after a Baldrick style cunning plan. She was a bit grotty as mummy and Elizabeth had gone out to see a show. So instead of enduring crocodile tears for mummy when going to bed and me going up and down the stairs about 10 times I said to her do you want a treat and watch a Peppa Pig DVD in Elizabeths bedroom. Hook, line and sinker she was soon washed, teeth done and in bed so excited and it was only 7.20. Glass of rose and golf on TV for me then. I checked on her 15 mins later and she was flat out asleep and I just lifted her into her own bedroom and that was that.
Fay x x
So another week whizzes by and Raoul Moat still makes news from beyond the grave. Today the woman who created the Raoul Moat fan page on Facebook has decided to take it down. Below is a Youtube clip of the interview and it has to be listened to be believed. To think this woman has kids as well. There well and truly are too many muppets in our broken society and rather than type about it I think you should all listen to it. At least we are having some new news this week although Robbie Williams re-joining Take That is hardly worthy of a breaking news banner on Sky News although I am sure Mrs Fay and her mates disagree with me on that one but the fat dancer doth return. Also in the news that Apple are holding a press conference tomorrow re the iphone4. No problems with mine so far but I will be watching this with interest. Charlotte my youngest who is nearly 3 loves drawing on the ipad. She then wanted a go on the laptop. So I allowed her on and she straight away put her fingers on the screen expecting it to be a touch screen. Alas Toshiba/Windows fail. I am impressed that Continuing the news review (All I have done is work and sleep so far this week) it was with shock this morning I read about Aveline from bread (Gilly Coman) died. How we all used to gather around the TV to watch Bread in the 80’s, 21 million of us in fact !! The last time I came across “aveline” was when somebody offered me some coke. I of course just said no, besides I had some ketamine of my own. I hope Joey throws an extra tenner in the hen on the kitchen table tonight. Heres the clip of the Roaul Moat facebook idiot Siobhan O’Dowd
So todays sports news and Emile Heskey has retired from international football. So at 32 and with 69 caps and 7 goals from 1999-2010 he has called it a day. I also exclusively announce on my blog that I am retiring from international football. With just 69 caps less than Heskey and also just 7 goals behind Emile I have decided that with my impending appointment at Broadgreen hospital on Monday for a possible cartilage injury the time is right to call it a day. I served England equally well as Mr Heskey. The time is right for Fabio to look to the future. I am however injury permitting still available on a free transfer for Liverpool. P.S I am the giant on the back row. I used to get all the old jokes playing under 13 footy etc. ” That lads just had a shave” blah blah blah. My reply was to get my knob out to looks of jealousy. The one advantage of being a child giant is that I could get served in the local Thresher. Im 37 this year but the local Thresher think im 47 ive been buying booze that long from there. My folded arms actually disguise the fact that me being such a docker the kit had frayed in the front and split making me out to be a junior incredible hulk. The picture is of Sudley School 3rd year footy (I dont know what that is in new years money ?) and you can stick yer Jabulani footy up your arse that was a proper ball we played with. My school highlight scoring five against Booker Avenue. In retrospect it wasnt my attacking flair that helped me score so many it was just the fact that being the size of a man I hit the ball so hard the keepers couldnt stop them and hence I ended up at centre half by the time I was 18.
Onto some posh graffiti now and whilst I used to daub “Snotter-N” over the south end of the city and school desks some rather more educational graffiti of a road sign down south. This person must have his sights set on Oxford or Cambridge although the level of maths is pretty basic. I would like to see a sign using numbers that only Carol Vordaman could work out to be a really special bit of graffiti.
Mixed blog tonight, I need to get some life and something to blog about. Maybe even venture out the house !