Knicker tree and Jamon Ruffles.

So to part two of my holiday blog and with memories of Tapi still fresh in my mind we move quickly onto the knicker tree. On our walk down to the beach we passed a tree. Not a normal tree but a tree which grew knickers. As you can imagine my two girls age 6 & 3 found this highly amusing and it became an indicator to them on the way home that our apartments were only a couple of mins walk away. So just how did the two pairs on knickers become lodged in this tree ? Do all resorts have a knicker tree and this is the first one I have stumbled across ? I dread to think of the size of the knicker tree in Magaluf. It must be the size of a giant Calafornia Redwood. I have visions of small knicker trees sprouting up around Liverpool city centre on a weekend only for the council parks and gardens to cut them down by Monday morning. Anyway the knicker tree remains a mystery and didnt grow any bigger whilst we were on holiday.

So the holiday was going great, not too hot and some clouds now and again giving a nice break from the sun for me and the kids although the sun goddess that is Mrs Fay wasnt too impressed. Even had a great electrical storm on the last night which we all watched, well until the kids ran into the apartment. As usual on holiday seven days of beers and food takes its toll in the end and the gym must be hit next week. There was one food that we all fell in love with and consumed on a daily basis all fighting to grab the last before they went. Yes it was Jamon Ruffles which are crisps you can only get abroad. They are ham ruffles and we all became addicted to them whilst away, replacing our normal addiction to Nutella which for some strange reason we only have on holidays. We even brought a giant bag of Jamon Ruffles home with us and they were gone by Saturday afternoon !! So it is here I officially announce the international Faymondo Jamon Ruffles disaster appeal. All we ask is that if you are on holiday and see Jamon Ruffles (Large packs only) please bring them home and donate them to the appeal. You can do this by simply placing them outside my house in the specially adapted Jamon Ruffles collection box the kids have made. Remember 4 people have been affected by the Jamon Ruffles drought. In the aftermath there is a serious risk to the people who had been on holiday of potentially deadly withdrawal symptoms. The Jamon Ruffles raised will help fund the life saving work in Garston of the International Faymondo Jamon Ruffles appeal Members which are the lead UK aid agencies and their partners. I thank you in advance. For more details go to http://www.fay’slovejamonruffles.com

So onto the last day and I had been saving the best till last. I had been looking at a triple whopper in Burger King and polished one off, minus chips im not a fat bastard or anything ! Little did I know that such giant nurishment would be needed. After the traditional buying of fridge magnets and a last walk around the resort it was onto the coach and to the airport we headed. We got off the coach to be greeted by a 4 hour delay to the flight. How would we keep the kids amused. Soon this was a 6 hour delay and having got to the airport for 2.30 we were looking at the best part of 10 hours at the airport. Aghhhhhhhhh so the great idea of booking a day flight home had now turned into the nightmare of getting home after a drive from Manchester at 4am !! I couldnt even have a drink as I was driving the car home from Manchester to Liverpool. So after what seemed like an eternity we were finally onto the plane which was delayed due to the French air traffic controllers being on strike so planes had to go the long way around and also when in Manchester due to head out to us a kid went crazy before take off and their parents decided not to fly so their cases had to come of the plane causing more delay’s. So we all eventually got home very sweaty, tired and hungry. As I drove past M&S food on Speke retail the thought of doing a ram raid passed through my mind but off to bed I headed. So a lovely holiday until the way home and all was fine when I got back unlike last year Read blog here So its back to work tomorrow and im hoping its not a year until I have another week off.

Peace

Fay

x x

Baywatch Lanzarote and Tapi disco.

Guess who’s back, back again. Faymondo’s back tell a friend. Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back. guess who’s back. Ok so my blogs might not be a lyrically good as Eminem but I am refreshed after a lovely week in Lanzarote. I’m a story teller and my story must be told……….. A long time ago in a suburb far far away (Garston) Faymondo set off on his travels to Manchester airport en route to Playa Blanca in Lanzarote. In true family trips out tradition Elizabeth was asking “are we there yet ?” and Charlotte needed a wee. So we pulled over not far from Manchester airport and she then decided she didnt need one. A week of this I was thinking !! I had come away to unwind after working for a year not stop for Faymondo Benefits Limited. So soon we were on the plane keeping the kids entertained with various ipods, ipads and ianything that would keep them amused for the four hour flight. The kids were very good on the plane and so was Mrs Fay. I had a scary Glastonbury flashback when I had a can of Magners not for the purpose of getting pissed but for refreshment only. At least it wasnt 9am like in Glasto. So soon we were in Arrecife airport and you get that blast of heat when you get off the plane that tells you are on holiday and an hour later we were in the resort. We walked through passport control with nobody there when Mrs Fay asked why is there nobody there. I could only assume that with no free ride in benefits etc that it’s not number one destination for asylum seekers, although no doubt soon all the asylum seekers who have come over to England will be going on holiday for a few weeks in Spain to get some better weather.

So for review purposes we stayed at the Aparthotel Sun Royal in Playa Blanca Click here for more details which was situated about a 10 min walk from the promenade walk and bang in the middle of the Marina Rubicon to your left and the main port to your right both another 15/20 min walk along the prom. The apartment had two big pools and two baby pools and we were on the lower level with a patio near to the pool. Lanzarote has one high rise hotel and after that was built a law was passed to say nothing bigger than 4 floors can be built. It also has a kids play area and entertainment and you can go all inclusive but save yourself a few hundred quid and just upgrade when you get there. We didnt go all inclusive though. So enough of the reviews and a few selected memorable moments from the holiday. First up was the kids entertainment and a character called Tapi who is best described as a one toothed giant rectangle. He came out and danced to his Tapi song every day and had a Tapi disco every night at 9. A long way from clubbing it until 6am at Space in Ibiza how the mighty have fallen. Charlotte didnt like Tapi and was freaked out by him although she did finally give him a high five on the last night. There was one moment when Tapi came out for his dance and Charlotte legged it away. She is very confident in the pool, jumping in etc as I take her swimming every week. I was swimming in the big pool and she seen me in the distance and as she ran away in terror from Tapi she just jumped straight into the pool. One problem she forgot she didnt have any armbands on. So I swam towards her but quick as a flash Mrs Fay ran in what seemed like slow motion with long flowing blonde hair and bouncing breasts and jumped in and got Charlotte before me. Lanzarote Baywatch right before my eyes. My very own Pamela Anderson, how lucky am I ? So we went to the Tapi Disco just twice and done the Tapi dance. As you can see this big red bastard thing Tapi was a big part of the holiday and I felt like Rodney in the groovy gang in Only Fools and Horses. So much that you could buy a Tapi replica toy and also a CD with all Tapi’s songs on. So being the nice dad I am bought two and sneaked them in the case for when we came home as a treat for the kids. So when we got home (more of that in the next blog !!!! ) the kids went fast asleep and I placed their new Tapi’s in bed with them and when they woke up in the morning they were overjoyed. I felt like a Tapi father christmas. So what else happened, what about the nightmare trip home well you will have to tune in tomorrow as this blog is long enough. As Nick Ross would say on crimewatch “Please dont have nightmares, instances of Tapi’s are very rare indeed”

Peace

Fay x x

Seen one pope seen them all.

So its the eve of a family holiday to Lanzarote and the first proper week off I have had in a year. I think the director of Faymondo benefits limited deserves a treat. So I had a 20 min break in work and decided to pack in that time. If truth be told it took me 11 mins to lash in a load of t-shirts, socks, white with yellow spots on the front underpants and some shorts. Jobs a goodun. Mrs Fay seems to of been packing since we booked the holiday last Wednesday, granted she is packing for the kids but will as ever pack too much. So we are off to Playa Blanca in Lanzarote which is a bit quieter than the other resorts. My days of Ibiza and Tenerife are well behind me. So im winding down tonight with a few beers and watching the footy and grabbing a quick blog. I will try and blog on my holidays ( I know how sad) but depends if I can get some free wifi. We have arranged for the fish to be looked after and in other fish news a friend of mines daughter has named her fish “Faymondo” after I sponsored her. Her mum is also called Fay as well. So the Faymondo empire slowly builds and I will be heading the revolution to overthrow the tories in 5 years. On the weather front Lanzarote is looking sunny with max’s around 29c. I dont even need to go into how shite the weather here is. So as I fly out of the country the pope comes in. There was an advert on sky news today saying first UK tour for 28 years, playing to so many people in numerous venues. I was thinking which rock band is getting back together, I hope its somebody good but alas it was an advert for coverage of the new popes visit on Sky News. So being away this year I wont be chasing down Aigburth Road on my Chopper like in 1982. If you’ve seen one pope you’ve seen them all. According to a pope name generator I would be “Pope Monstrous Phil VII”

I notice in the news our very own Merseyside fire chief Tony McGuirk has labelled public sector workers bone idle. I was far from bone idol when working for Liverpool City Council and worked very hard during my five weeks annual leave and full company sick pay. Here was me thinking that there are less fires these days and that playing pool and games back at the station for long periods was an urban myth ? That might be why the number of firefighters at Merseyside Fire and Rescue Service had been cut from 1,550 to 850 in Mcguirks own watch has occurred. Mind you the firemen do come around your house now and again and fit a smoke alarm much to Mrs Fays enjoyment. I should really treat Mrs Fay and get myself a fireman uniform and a bigger hose (than my garden one mucky bastards) and surprise her one evening when the kids are in bed. We could get ourselves in the mood and put a Fireman Sam DVD on. I could come into the living room with my siren blasting on my state or the art fire engine that I had just bought from the early learning centre. Somehow my efforts would fall short as one the jacket came off I could not match the image below as my engine is only a toy one ;0)

Thats it, holibobs time. See you soon

Peace

Fay x x

Merseymart exclusive by Pippa Davis

Todays blog has been handed over to Pippa Davis who has an exclusive for the South Liverpool Merseymart.

South Liverpool footballer in shame.


I can today reveal that an not very well known south Liverpool footballer can be outed in a sex and drugs scandal. We can now plot the downfall of ex Aigburth Peoples Hall and Sudley FC player Neil Fay (36) thats his age not waist size (38 fat bastard) who has been in decline since his playing days finished (some say at the age of 14) The first exclusive is that Neil was spotted going into Greggs the bakers in Belle Vale shopping centre Liverpool on numerous occasions. As we all know Mr Fay from Speke/Garston (more Garston than Speke) has a lucrative contract sorry addiction with Greggs arch rival Sayers. We can also reveal that Fay was also seen going into the now famous number 92 on Aigburth Road although we must note for legal reasons it wasnt the same time as when Wayne Rooney was there banging older women. An ex worker from number 92 who wishes to remain anonymous but is better known as Barb “the golden granny” Jones from Scotty Road revealed that Fay liked nothing better than Greggs sausage rolls to be massaged into him and even on his secret Sayers tattoo on his inner thigh. The revelations dont stop there though. We can also exclusively reveal that Fay was also addicted to drugs. Several local chemists have come forward and confirmed that Fay bought several grammes of Lemsip on more than one occasion. I mean how often can a man get man flu ? The extent of Fay’s sex and drug excesses meant that he once missed a vital game for Sudley FC on a sunday against Lodge Lane in which Sudley slipped to an 8-1 defeat without their talisman Fay. We contacted Neil Fay’s agent on Saturday. Eileen Roper who also doubles up as his Nan (94) was unavailable for comment as she was watching Neighbours on UK gold. Be sure to buy sorry read your free Merseymart next week as we have part two on the Neil Fay story now the super injunction has been lifted and what has been common knowledge in Aigburth Vale can now be printed. “Neil Fay and Ricky Hatton the truth”

Pippa Davis, showbiz correspondent South Liverpool Merseymart and The Framley Examiner http://www.framley.com/

So in other news the real fucking scandal is that kids shoes are being sold for £47 a pop. My daughter Elizabeth wanted a pair or Lelli Kelly shoes for her birthday. At £47 quid a pop when Mrs Fay told me I went into shock and didnt have a drink for at least 10 mins as I was frozen to the spot. When I came too and stopped swearing we decided if she got money for her birthday she could buy a pair once we had slotted a tenner each (is that wrong ?) So on Saturday she went into town and bought the afore mentioned Lelli Kellys. Now for £47 you did get a free mini lipstick container (see pic in the middle.) When she bought the shoes the lady advised her to wear them in the house and put socks on as they can rub when first bought. So £47 quid and you cant even play out in the fookers straight away ? Its a scandal. The news of the world should be concentrating on this and not sports stars shagging and taking drugs I mean look at the Merseymart this week for fooks sake. So I leave you with the £47 Lelli Kelly (who is she ?) Well this is from the web site . “In the insole, under the leather layer, there is a soft LATEX FOAM ® with a component that captures wetness and holds it into a gel. Moisture is released through holes in the sides of the outsole throughout the day and evaporates completely when shoes are removed. It is always advisable to take out the insole when the girl is not wearing Lelli Kelly, so that the Lelli Kelly LATEX FOAM ® can carry out its function at its best.” Ahh and heres me thinking Elizabeth has wasted £50 ?

Ive got a spare £50, now shall I buy some Lelli Kellys or get two bags and go out for a party with Ricky Hatton ? Them shoes sure do look nice.

Peace

Fay x x

The Christians live at Liverpool philharmonic.

So in a forgotten town a man had no words to say. He had hit the bottle and when the fingers point he went to his fave spot on Greenbank Drive. He thought in an ideal world he would be born again and there would be a harvest for the world and looked to his father for redemption. Whats in a word he thought,  when will the moment come when I find out ? Would it be a perfect moment come and save him ? No he ended up in Hooverville. How corny was that ? Yep you guessed it last night I went to see The Christians live at Liverpool Philharmonic. The modern day Christians just have Garry Christian from the original line up, the most important bit you may say but after a few dodgy performances the last couple of times I sen the band they really did miss the other original band members Henry Priestman (Do check out his solo album “Chronicles of a modern life”) and also Russell Christian. So the new Christians came on stage with a full band line up and even percussion. Garry’s voice is not as smooth and silky as it once but still a cracking voice and so he gained valuable help from Joey Ankrah on guitar and backing vocals. The band belted out the hits mentioned in the first lines of the blog (how many can you spot ? ) Highlights were a belter version of “Forgotten Town” and also a version of “And thats why” which I cant remember hearing live. Also in the set were a few covers including superb performances of “Where do the children play” by Cat Stevens and also “Here comes the sun” by The Beatles check them out on itunes. So with an encore that included Garry’s son playing saxophone the night ended up with their biggest hit “Harvest for the world” The Christians were back to their best despite being just a Christian. The Christians are most probably my fave ban ever, followed a very close second by Deacon Blue. Being a bit of a muso I can track my life by certain songs and can it really be 23 years since my music teacher Mr Christian told me his brothers were bringing out a single ? Off down to Woolworths (Kids ask your dad what Woolworths was) on Allerton Road during lunch and I came back the proud owner of a 7 inch version of “Forgotten Town” (Kids ask your dad what a seven inch is, cheap gag at this point refused) The Christians second album “Colour” reminds me of the best year I had when I was younger (1990) and the third album reminds me of being in uni, not that I actually ever went much bit I did come out with a Bsc in Human Geography that helps me no end in my current job assessing housing benefits. Anyway enough sentimental guff and I leave you with what I think The Christians did best and a bit of acapella and “Happy in hell” Live on Jools Holland in 1992.

So just a boring musical review for todays blog, didnt even get that bevvied afterwards and was in a cab for 12.30 and didnt go the Lobster Pot chippy which is the only reason I go into town for a bevvy in the first place.

Peace

Fay

Rooney and world smallest man and mother (not a gangbang ! )

So another weekend whizzes by. I worked Friday and Saturday this week to make up for the bank holiday. Im glad there are no more bank holidays until chrimbo as I dont get paid for them and they cock my working week up. So I finished work at 11.30 on Saturday and it was down to Liverpool Cricket Club armed with my cool bag filled with a selection of Strongbow cider, sausage rolls and Seabrooks crisps. How predictable of me. So Lancashire put Worcestershire into bat who went onto score 258 from their overs. So a quick break and Lancashire came into bat, as the day went on we watched less cricket and chatted more shite as the effects of the grog kicked in. Lancashire started their innings well but had a slump in the middle and eventually won the game with 5 balls to spare. It was an average turn out for a Lancashire game at Liverpool and there was only one small stand which we sat in to start off with but moved around the ground later on. So the match was over and we headed over to The Kingsman pub. So after only a couple of extra pints I made the sensible decision to head home about 8pm so I wouldnt be too rough on Sunday. When i got home the people opposite were having a bbq and Mrs Fay and the kids were over there. So the excellent decision to go home early had been scuppered and I fell into ours about 12am and another 5 cans were sunk which led to me having a slight headache come Sunday morning.

So poor old Tony Blair had to cancel his book signing after his last one he was pelted with missiles. I read on twitter that Tony Blair was shitting himself as the protestors could launch eggs and slippers at just 45 mins notice. Sounds familiar that ! I wonder if they were size 11 Dr Martins or your more traditional Iraq slipper which wouldnt hurt too much. But anyway no more autographed books, gotta be pretty sad to get a copy signed

In Columbia the new worlds smallest man has been declared. At 70cm (27-inch) tall the Colombian has been named the world’s shortest living man by Guinness World Records. Edward Nino Hernandez, 24, weighs only 10kg (22lbs). His mother said he had not grown since he was two years old. Mr Hernandez, who works part-time as a dancer, told the Associated Press: “I feel happy because I’m unique.” He better cash in now as Mr Hernandez is not expected to keep the title of world’s shortest man for long due to hagendra Thapa Magar of Nepal is expected to take the title when he turns 18 in October. Khagendra, currently recognised as the world’s shortest living teenager, is only 56cm (22in) tall. Nice to see he has pets (see below) but on the scale of things they are like St Bernards to us and Mr Hernandez is in great danger of being mauled to death by them two dogs. He has also got his Guinness certificate leaning against the wall I see. Well I suppose he wanted it at eye level.

Cant leave the blog without a mention of our great England footballer Wayne Rooney. With the latest alleged stories of more prozzy visits (who can forget his granny shagging on Aigburth Road just down the road from where I live) Mr Rooney has been at it again. Now if Wayne’s got a heart and for Colleens benefit I suggest that he packs in his vice addiction and instead when he feels weak look at the picture above and arrange for Mr Hernandez to spend a night with a £1000 pound a night escort. Now researching world smallest everything I can across the world smallest mother !! Ok here it goes this was last November and in the Daily Mail. The world’s smallest mother is about to give birth for the third time – despite warnings she is risking her life. Stacey Herald, who is just 2ft 4in tall, was told that becoming pregnant could kill her, but bravely defied doctors to have two babies half her height. Baby number 3 was a boy and after some difficulties is now home with the rest of the family. For the women out there Malachi was born by a rare vertical caesarian which does what it say on the tin. Now I will leave that at that without descending into mockery but will leave you with just one observation why has she got a giant syringe or is she really that small ?

Thankfully I have a super injunction against the Merseymart stopping the printing sordid details of a the night I came out of the o-five one and stayed in the Adelphi with 6 of the 7 dwarves from the 1995 pantomime at the Liverpool Empire and Pete Price.

Peace

Fay x x

Matthew St festival and junk food Usain Bolt.

So so calm after the birthday madness and Monday we decided to take advantage of the good weather and head on down to the Matthew Street festival. We decided to get the train in and stopped of at the offy on the way there and in true shameless fashion we went armed with 10 cans of cider in the bottom of the buggy !! The festival was busy indeed and we caught a bit of the jarg Killers band down at the tunnel. We only watched from a distance as it was very busy and by the stage it was jam packed with the local kiddas deciding it would be good fun to throw and shower people in drinks and no doubt some piss mixed in as well. Just cant get my head around any amount of fun gained from throwing stuff like that, must be showing my age. We then headed to the local stage in Williamson Square and caught local female blues singer Connie Lush. A quick stop at the Lobster Pot by the Met Quarter to feed the family and the mother and father in law who kindly threw a bbq on Sunday for us. Connie Lush has a belter of a voice and I might go and see her in December at the Cavern. So up to water street armed with two pink blow up guitars for the girls (honest) and we caught the end of The Jam tribute band and some of the Small Faces tribute band. I got myself a great speck on a window ledge on the old Norwich Union building and the girls had their own stage (see below) and were rocking with their guitars. So a final stage visit to Tithebarn Street to see a Beatles tribute band called Revolver who were four young lads from Dundee. They played yes you guessed it the Revolver album. Some people were very impressed that Elizabeth knew a lot of the words to The Beatles songs. A combination of grandparents and Beatles rock band there. A final couple of pints outside The Railway Tavern and the end of a very good day indeed. It was early to bed as the daytime drinking caught up with me and the family had a nice day as well. The perfect end to a bank holiday weekend.

So having to work over 6 days this week in an attempt to make up hours lost from the bank holiday and listening to a podcast in work I came across some stuff I didnt know. Richard Bacon was interviewing Usain Bolt the fastest human being ever and he revealed his love of junk food. He said that before he broke the world 100m record and won olympic gold he feasted on chicken nuggets and some coke. He also has a taste for Mcdonalds and when Mr Bacon said I thought you would prepare with a salad Bolt replied “Thats rabbit food” Music to my ears as anybody who knows me will know thats the exact phrase I use to describe salad. So me and the worlds fastest man share views on nutrition. So after my leg of a triathlon the other week and the boost that my diet in similar to Usain Bolt’s I feel my target of olympic gold in the London 2012 olympics is on target. Just under two years left now and I am confident I can pick up a medal, thats a medal on the official video game for the xbox 360. I am a legend at button bashing as fast as you need. A busy September coming up with a 40th birthday party (no not mine you cheeky bastards) and going to see the cricket on Saturday. Next weekend its a concert and The Christians followed by a footy match against the police on Sunday. Going by Usain Bolts preperation it will be a quick pre match burger and chips washed down with a can of Cherry Coke. Then its hopefully a holiday late September and my birthday as well, all go eh. So must sign of and ive just been to Somerfield to buy some Usain Bolt hot dogs mmmmmmmmmmm.

Peace

Fay x x