The last Taboo

So Friday night and it was to the wedding celebration of friends Mick and Rachel. They had a belter marquee in the garden complete with bar and two girls serving. Just a bit disappointed that Mick didnt have a pole in there and some extra entertainment for the lads but you cant have it all eh. So I was planning on taking it easy and making it back to ours just after midnight to catch some cricket and then be fresh for Saturday and go the gym to keep up my good run of going 4/5 times a week. Alas the plan went a bit wrong. It was a good night on the muzzy front and raised £30 sponsorship which takes me to £155 and if you wish to donate you can do so by clicking here It was a bad night on the alcohol front. Excuses first, I had been the gym just before I went out and had no tea and only had a few of the sausage rolls from the buffet. As ever as I dont eat normal buffet food the hosts mother made me a special plate of sausage rolls just for me. So onto the booze front. Well a few shots of Vodka and it wasnt too bad. It was then I broke the last taboo of drinking. Yes drinking Taboo. Taboo is a light, refreshing drink bursting with flavour, made from an intriguing blend of white wine, exotic fruit juices and vodka. Well thats what the blurb says. My review is Taboo is a twat of a drink even though its only 15% ABV it made me suffer memory loss and be sick. Its in a different bottle from when I last drank it and the blurb on that is “Key modifications to the new bottle include an introduction of bold silver circles to the label. Taboo’s distinctive swirl is highlighted within the design in the colour of the variant; Original, Blue or Ruby. The result is a contemporary look, which conveys the fun and lively image of Taboo. Serve indicators on the neck of the bottle also demonstrate to both consumers and the on-trade the mixability of Taboo, which can be served over ice, or with lemonade, in refreshing summer pitchers.” My take is the new bottle disguises the same piss poor drink inside. Its not ideal for having shots of  an I didnt have fun or uphold the lively image of Taboo. Taboo is not ideal for wedding celebrations in a marquee in Rachel and Micks garden. Yes to my shame I cant remember coming home and was sick by the side of my bed and then must have gone the toilet leaving a trail of sick along the landing. Hello my name is Neil and im an alcoholic. I can only put this down to a dodgy sausage roll (another excuse they were lovely Rachels mum.) Its been many a year since I have been sick due to grog and hopefully it will be many a year to the next time. So after waking up about 11am and feeling like shite and not actually making it back to my bed I slept until 5pm when the kids arrived home and planet reality kicked in. So thats the body clock fucked and hence why I am doing this blog at 00:54. Takes me back to 1994 when I was a student and changed my body clock to Australian hours for The Ashes. Decided I was suitably recovered enough to have a beer by 9pm or was it the distant noise of x-factor driving me to drink ? Hello my name is Neil and im an alcoholic. So I will be able to catch some cricket well into the night. Determined not to be sick tonight so just sticking to the Budweiser and no Taboo in this household or Tabooooooooooooo as I was drunkenly calling it and dishing it out to my victims. I hope they all felt as shite as me today. Congratulations to Mr & Mrs Hughes and I hope I didnt do anything silly in my lost time.

Lesson learned, I think not. Time for another beer. Hello my name is Neil and im an alcoholic.

Peace

Fay x x

Money for all and a strange Nintendo DS owner.

So today has seen the U.K Government give Ireland a little loan of around £7 billion. Now were all gonna know people losing their jobs in the next few months and also all be paying increased VAT to cover our deficit and that comes after god knows how much was used to rescue various banks over the last few years. So we are actually gonna make money on the loan that we give to Ireland. Assuming they pay it back. The reason for this is because the UK can loan money at very cheap rates at the moment due to low interest rates. So if this is the case then we can afford to pay our current debt back why not lend more at the very cheap rate and invest in upgrading the infrastructure of the UK whilst its cheap. This would generate jobs and more income (taxes) and we could see growth and pay back the deficit through increased taxes etc. Im no economist, although I did manage to blag a D in A level economics back in the day when they were actually hard to pass. The government also pisses away money giving aid to various countries. One country is India who get about £250 million. Now I dont have a problem with giving aid to poor countries, some might say charity begins at home. The fact is that India spend about £412 million pound a year on a space race. Yep thats right a space race. Now in the scale of things £250 million is small fry but is still better off in our pocket than India sending a man into space half paid for by us ! Due to out government giving money out to any Tom, Dick and Harry I have decided to write an open letter to George Osborne.

Dear Mr Osborne

I am asking for a financial bail out from the U.K government. I currently have two overdrafts and a credit card. I also own two properties with mortgages on them and have two daughters to bring up and hopefully see them married and send them to university. I have done the maths and with the increased cost of living due to various elements increasing in price I am asking for a bail out of about £500,000. I suggest that you cut 0.20% of the aid for India and bang it my way. I would like this by christmas as I really want a 3DTV. Also our car has had a few things go wrong with it so it would be nice to get a new one. I would like to box my mortgages and overdrafts off. Mrs Fay would like to purchase a VIP Take That package for next year. I have also asked the kids what they would want from the bail out. Elizabeth would like a load of JLS goodies and the new Toy Story blu ray. Charlotte just wanted every single item of Peppa Pig  merchandise that has ever been released. I trust that you will reply very quickly as you understand that when you have a deficit it is very important to pay it off as soon as possible. I look forward to a very merry christmas indeed with my windfall and will be having a double whopper with fries and a Mcflurry for afters thanks you the conservative party bailing me out. Just for the record you still wont get my vote and note today 20 years ago we got rid of Thatcher. Lets hope you lot follow soon and Thatcher is in a box.

Yours Sincerley

Neil George Fay

So lets lighten things up and a little boy was just walking around the San Francisco zoo, doing what every boy who is dragged to the zoo tends to do – play video games – when he accidentally dropped his DSi XL into the gorilla habitat. And wouldn’t you know it, a professional photographer happened to be right there. The large gorilla that found the DSi, picked it up and started trying to figure out how the darn thing worked. At one point a smaller gorilla came up to take a look. Awwwww. Contrary to popular belief this wasnt a holiday snap of me robbing the kids DS. More here

Peace

Fay x x

A good old royal knees up.

Well its official Prince William and that bird Kate Middleton. At first I thought I didnt know Will’s was banging that chick from BBC news but then realised that was Kate Silverton.  So some time next summer we will be treated to a good old knees up royal styleeeeee. Rolling back the years to 1981. Well the conservatives are in government, inflation is on the increase, the tories have made savage cuts, there has been rioting on the streets and now a royal wedding. Just need numerous strikes and the Falklands war part II and time travel has been achieved. How Sky news would love a Falklands war again. I would imagine the Falklands would look good in high definition with all that countryside and the odd sheep and penguin. So the royals dont bother me that much but the crazy news coverage does. So first up is the ring of Lady Diana, queen of hearts. Or his dead mums ring to be a bit harsher. If only she had died a bit later he would have had a choice of rings as it looked like Dodi was going to slip one on her as well. I was reading today that this ring because of whos its is (Englands rose how I miss you !! ) is worth up to possibly £10,000,000. Now if I was Wills I would have a blag copy made and pawn the original one. People are moaning what the wedding will cost the tax payer but give the lad a break he hasnt spent a penny on the ring. So Kate will be the next queen as Camilla wont be taking up that title when the queen snuffs it. I hope she becomes queen quickly as it would be nice to be able to say I would give the queen one. So during the announcement aftermath it was revealed that Kate has given Wills the nickname “big willie” and hers is “babykins” So not only is he having free wedding from the state he gets to be called “Big willie” I could only dream of such a pet name, mini hot dog would be nearer the mark. Me and Mrs Fay  each other Jim & Barb from the different Royle family. So the big wedding might not be so big at all. BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell (The BBC dust him down from the cupboard on such occasions) said Buckingham Palace would be “very sensitive” to the economic climate when making its plans. He said: “They will want to send a very definite signal that it is not on the lavish scale of the Charles and Diana wedding of 30 years ago, that it will be a royal wedding suitable and appropriate to the times.” So in keeping with that theme I have arranged the wedding plans as such.

Stag weekend to be Magaluf in May, flying easy jet and everybody kitted out in a ” Big Willie’s stag night” t-shirt staying in a 2 star apartment with sofa beds. The Hen night will be in Blackpool, staying in a B&B after traveling up by National Express coaches.

The big day itself will be in a pod on the London Eye so very close family only. Afterwards it will be a BBQ on the lawn at the palace with all the food and drink bought from Costco the night before. Cheap burgers and sausage rolls and skips and quavers. Afters will be Walls Vienetta and the ale will be cans of Skol lager only. Entertainment will be big Willie’s ipod hooked up to an i-station and the last dance will be an emotional “Candle in the wind” 1997 version sure to being a few tears to the eyes but not The Queen, Charles or Camilla. The party will end with Harry kicking off in his Hitler fancy dress costume as somebody said to him Charles was his real dad and he found this offensive ! It will then be straight on the tube and then train for a honeymoon week at Legoland Windsor. Good luck to them both more to her she will need it as she becomes England’s rose the second as lets face it Camilla is a wrinkled old horse faced hag and is more like England’s nettle. I hope we dont get a day off as being self-employed now it would mean jack shit to me.

I cant wait for all the merchandise to come out. I still have my Lady Di and Charles coin in the loft and my nan has some stuff as well. I will have to dig it out for my next blog. So hurry up an announce the date so I can line the mall just like in 1981. Thats me on the right popping out with my union jack hat on.

No street parties next year due to health and safety and with our summers recently its bound to piss down on the day. Little tip for you Kate, stay out of French underpasses, ouch !!!

Peace

Fay x x

Madness, end of gingerbread people to flatscreen tv’s for prisoners.

Its a crazy world we live in. But maybe the fight back and the revolution is starting. This was on the BBC website.  A Lancashire council which introduced gingerbread people to its primary school lunch menus is to rename them gingerbread men. Lancashire County Council said staff brought in the politically correct term two years ago to amuse people, but the joke had been “lost in translation”. A spokesman said gingerbread men would appear on new menus soon. Preston MP Mark Hendrick said he was pleased the council had “reverted to common sense”. “I thought daft political correctness had gone out of the window but obviously it’s still out there,” the Labour MP added. “They were clearly men – they were not wearing skirts.”

So Mr Hendrick are you saying that men cant wear skirts ? I am outraged by your comments. I think ginger shapes is a better alternative, yes I am jesting. Just put a little willy on them made of icing and then theres no problems. For gingerbread women you could have boobies made of smarties and a chocolate triangle for the ladies private parts (refrained from using the word minge) Luckily for me Sayers do a fine selection of gingers for the kids and current flavour of the day is ginger reindeers which the kids love and the fact you can buy three and get the third cheaper means there is one spare for me mmmmmmm.

More news today is that the Scottish Prison Service is ordering hundreds of flat-screen televisions for inmates in order to meet energy efficiency targets, it has emerged. It wants to acquire 1,600 19-inch sets for use across the estate, including at new sites at Shotts and Low Moss. The spokesman added: “Prisoners are charged £1 per week for televisions and we have around 7,800 prisoners at the moment. There is, therefore, no cost to the taxpayer. “Televisions are not a right but a privilege, and prisoners have them at the discretion of the governor.”

I thought that when you went into prison you gave up privileges. A bit like the privileges of your victims had been surrendered ? As for energy efficiency, im on the record as saying man made climate change is a load of bollocks but if we are gonna fall for all this green hype then swap the TV in the prisoners room for an exercise bike which the prisoners can use to create energy to light the sole lightbulb in their cell so they can then see other two items in the cell, a bog and a bed. The good exercise would then negate the need for outdoor time and increase the time they spend in their cells. Under Fay law the only privilege that a prisoner would get would be a gingerbread shape for good behaviour and  to make it politically correct it would be a hermaphrodite gingerbread thing. News breaking today that the famous holiday camp Pontins has gone into administration. Well in this time of budget reviews for the government and seeing as the purse strings are tight perhaps the coalition (bastards) could buy the five UK sites from Pontins and turn them into prisons, because lets face it they are holiday camps anyway, bum bum tishhhh !

Thats it for now I have the joys of the ballet run and then the gym before going out on the grog for the match and hopefully the fight. I will then return to my bedroom and watch some TV on my flatscreen and recreate a scene from a scottish prison. I only hope the picture below is a mock up because it reminds me of ‘genial” Harry Grout’s prison cell in the TV comedy porridge. Only that was a comedy and this is real. Jokes on us eh ? I just hope prisoners dont have the job Harry Grout had which was to look after the swimming pool. The best job in the prison seeing as it didnt have a swimming pool. Gotta love Porridge.

Riot, riot, Students riot.

So the Tories back in power, but only after bumming the Lib Dems and with swinging cuts next on the agenda and mission accomplished it must be strikes or riots to make us really feel like its the 80’s again. This time its riots and it all kicked off in London today during what was a peaceful protest by 50,000 students. It seems its going to cost quite a lot of money to go to uni and it will only increase with time so it might not hit you today but if you have kids going to uni are we going to see a return to when the rich go to uni and its hard for everybody else to go ? I have decided that my daughters will be sent up the chimneys once they reach the age of 10 to help fund their future education. Now there are too many students these days with shitty degrees such as a BA in x-factor and a Bsc in collegan lips and fake tans. In the dim and distant past when I attended university it was free and loans had just begun. At a good estimate I attended lectures about 25 times over 4 years, I had to re-sit a year I was gonna fail thanks to a fractured spine (not intentional, the spine that is) I passed in the end and came out with a Bsc in Human Geography which has helped me so much in my career from manager of a bookmakers to housing benefit legend ! I came out with about £2000 worth of debt on student loans which were the old style ones and look like they will never be repaid. So my time in uni was mainly spent in the 051, Garlands and Cream and I studied very hard at each club. If truth be told I wasted my uni years but thankfully dont have a large debt as a result of it like you would today.

Less of me and more of todays events, now I was watching some of the coverage on Sky News an it was reported that the students were dancing to drum and bass, whatever happened to The Smiths and The Cure eh ? So in the end they decided to attack Tory HQ (Every riot has a silver lining) and things got a bit nasty with a fire extinguisher being thrown at the police from the roof (how did he manage to miss ??) I bet you every policeman who eventually turned up where dying to kick the smelly students heads in but alas the police were good as gold all showing their faces and ID numbers. Kay Burley was having an orgasm on sky news when she seen the fire extinguisher getting lashed and Adam Boulton at one point blamed Labour for relaxing the rules on protests in certain parts of London. Lets hope Al Qadea werent watching or they will be ditching failed attempts like shoe bombers, underpants bombers and printer bombers in favour of joining up with a gang of students on a march then all push into parliament and blow themselves up. It did look like the protest was hijacked by anarchists or what looked to me like London hoodies who decided it was a good chance for a kick off innit. As ever Twitter was on the ball for details of events and of course the witty comments such as “David Cameron. Whilst in China enquire as to how best to deal with student protests” “Students, save valuable drinking time by counting the water cannon as your weekly bath” “Students an empty King Size Pot Noodle makes an ideal makeshift loud hailer.” So in the end the police restored order or was it that the happy hour in the student bar had started ? Not everyone was out for a riot today as the pic below shows.

Its nice to see people caring, even if the level of protest went a bit far. Its about time people stood up for their rights. The French are always at it and it has a knock on effect on us most the time and we just have a collective “Bloody French” attitude. It seems today that just like the riot which brought back memories of 80’s Thatchers Britain, students have again found their voice just like they did in the 80’s when they smelt a bit and wore jumpers with holes in. So dont let the government shit on us, get out there the revolution starts today, lets all go and use our votes in the local and general elections and get involved in local decisions that effect you and me.

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, (Well maybe not and how about we share an army with the French)
we shall fight on the seas and oceans,  (Well maybe with our aircraft carrier that cant take any planes)
we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, (As long as the cost is cut by 40% in the spending review)
we shall fight on the beaches, (dodge all the litter and dog shit though)

So you all with me, thought not. Still grieving over the death of Jack Duckworth and deciding who to vote for on Saturdays x-factor. Never mind you have been warned.

Peace x x

Fay

I am the Garston Mad man and Paul Rutherford.

So with the wallet only just recovered from Halloween within a week bonfire night is upon us. Time for a mingebag version and the best way to do that is go to Sefton Park, or Sevvi park as its better known. So we pick up our Glasto bumchum Helen who was abandoned by her boys who are in senior school, cant be cool going with your mum. before I know it I will turn from nice loving daddy into uncool dad and the same fate awaits me. So we park as near as we can to Sefton park and then walk through with the masses armed with our torch and head towards the fireworks field. So 7.30 comes and the fireworks start. Charlotte (3) isnt to keen at all and Elizabeth (6) decided to get a mood on mid show ( I wonder were she gets them from ??? ) but on the bright side Mrs Fay is enjoying them and me and Helen are doing our best David Bailey impressions with our cameras. To be honest I wasnt overly impressed with this years show. Not many high rockets and maybe ive seen the light with fireworks as they all seemed to look the same and exploded at the same low level and the night was rounded off with a big “Is right sevvi park” from Rossy ????? Maybe the council has had to cut back on firework spending after the government’s spending review. Perhaps councils could cancel the show next year and put all the gunpowder under parliament and blow it up, or has this cunning plan been thought of before ? So we walked back to the car with the idea of getting some chips from Steves chippy in Aigburth Vale but with the queue out of the door we decided to hit a chippy on the way back home instead and thats were the fun began !!

So I decided to go to the “Wok Express” in Garston village opposite the Dealers pub. So I get out of the car and walk into the chippy and straight away four lads about 13 just burst out laughing at me and then have to turn away their laughter is that bad (At least they are trying to disguise the fact) It was then it dawned on me was it the union jack wellies that I had my combats tucked into ? Was it my porn star muzzi I was sporting for Movember ? Or indeed a combination of the both ? In retrospect I suppose on a Friday night in Garston village you dont see many 37 year old fellas walking around with union jack wellies with combats tucked in sporting a dodgy muzzi. I could well of looked like I had come straight from the funny farm ! Anyway by now I thought shall I ask them is it the wellies, muzzy or both but thought I will keep quiet as I could well get some stick back. Luckily for me they lads in question found me so funny that they made their way out of the chippy so they could enjoy the full laughter of the Garston mad man (me.) I must admit I found the whole thing funny when I recognised what I had come as. So I picked up the chips for everybody and had to do the walk of shame past the lads outside. I thought fuck it and just walked proudly past them with my white plazzi bag stuffed with chips to a few more giggles. I only hope they were pot heads and had been on the skunk and now suffer flashbacks of the union jack, muzzy wearing madman of Garston.

Good job they hadnt seen my latest promo photo for my muzzy campaign for Movember. Now I think this picture alone is worthy of donating towards my cause and you can do so here http://uk.movember.com/mospace/504253 Thanks to Joan Airey who has broke the duck and made the first donation so at least I have raised something this year. So here is the new photo. For reference I am wearing my Glasto hat (For reason you can see I now cant wear with this muzzy) I have squeezed into Mrs Fays leather coat and the chest hair is all my own. Good jobs the lads in the chippy didnt see me like this !!!

Peace

Fay x x

Miss World and Robbie Savage *for legal reasons not together.

So halloween came and went and I didnt get to see either my mother in law or my nan on their broomsticks, but the mother in law did come around to ours for a Halloween party. The highlight of which I must say were the superb cumberland cocktail sausage rolls from Asda. I entered into the spirit and bought myself a mask if only to hide the muzzy I am now sporting and every time I look in the mirror I think I should be some kind of major in the armed forces. So with the door knocking all night and monster mash playing it was soon time for the end of the party and I settled down with a bottle of Peroni and aforementioned cumberland sausage rolls and went flicking through the channels. It was the at the point of channel 281 I was transported straight back to the 1980’s. I looked down at my footy shorts and the same thing was happening that happened in the 1980’s. Why it was only Miss World 2010. A quick check down at the shorts confirmed the embarrassing same thing was happening. Yes I had sausage roll crumbs on my shorts just like in the 80’s ! Why is this tucked away on channel 281 ? It should be in high definition showing the women off in their true glory.  I had missed the swimsuit bit, assuming they are allowed to have that now and even Miss World hasnt gone PC mad. It was decision time. I awaited Eric Morley to come on and announce the results in his traditional reverse order. Alas he is now in the big beauty pageant in the sky and it was his wife Julia who announced the results, still keeping Eric’s reverse order tradition going (I like tradition) So the winner was Miss USA, Alexandria Mills. Now dont get me wrong, she is nice looking and I would give her one (If I wasnt married) but is she the best looking bird on the earth ? I use bird because if any of you burn a bra bastards are going to have a go then I think Miss World will be attacked before my use of the word bird. Then a new addition to the Miss World theme, all the birds (sorry contestants) started miming the Miss World Anthem. I hereby demand that the 2011 is on normal TV in stunning HD and I remember to watch it as I miss the really insightful interviews with the ladies. I also miss being 13 and sitting with my dad having a proper goz at the birds in the swimsuits, only ever beaten by watching Benny Hill. Like father like son eh ? So a quick bit of research and I find there is a Miss universe as well (Ximena Navarrete.)  Funny enough all the contestants were from earth but no need to let that get in the way of things. So below is Miss World in the white and Miss Universe in the red. I will let you decide who is the winner. The only loser is us old pervs who dont get to see such great occasions as they are banished to channel 291 on sky because of some ugly womens rights protesters who look like men anyway and spent most their time lezzing it up on Greenham Common in years gone by.

So today on twitter Robbie Savage posted a tweet and a video of him singing some shite song in his car. As I follow him I looked at the video and then posted. “Will Robbie Savage get done for using his phone whilst driving, not to mention the dickhead songs ?” To my surprise I got a reply from Mr Savage. Now to know I had tweeted this as I didnt tweet him direct he must be doing searches on his name !! I also got a tweet from Mark Bright last year under the same circumstances. Mr Savage replied “how am I using my phone you wilf it’s on my knee” I then replied direct to Robbie “Did you pull over to switch it on ? Not concentrating on the road. Stop searching your own name as well !” The I got this belter back ” I think you got a letter wrong in your surname change the first one !!” Ahh Faymondo should be Gaymondo. The old gay Fay joke that has been doing the rounds since I was in Sudley Infants School in the 1970’s when I didnt even know what gay meant. What comedy gold from Robbie Savage. Anyway here is the video he posted. Oh yeah anybody know what a WILF is ?

Peace

Fay