A Scouse nativity

(Mary is sitting on deck-chair outside her housing association house. Angel Mercedes and Angel Britney are standing on the street corner)

Angel Mercedes: The story we are about to tell took place last Friday, but it has been told and retold more than any other story down the dole office. Because of it, millions of people all over the world celebrate a huge festival every year. This is the story of Christmas signing on day.

Angel Britney: In a small town called Liverpool, a young girl sat alone in her room watching x-factor. Her name was Mary. Mary was betrothed to be married to a carpenter on the side called Jospeh Bar Jacob. Mary was wasnt a very religious girl, and God wasnt pleased with her.

Angel Mercedes: So he sent me to give the lazy cow a message.

(Angel Mercedes jumps down onto the stage in her Ugh boots )

Angel Mercedes: Boo ya cunt!

Mary: (Not very interested) Yeshhh Jeremy Kyle’s on but oh look. It’s an angel.

Angel Mercedes: Don’t be afraid, Mary, I’ve come to tell you good news. Jeremy Kyle wants you to go on his show.

Mary: I’m not afraid ya bitch, I love Jezza.

Angel Mercedes: Oh. Well you’re supposed to be yer slut.

Mary: I’m not coz im fuckin well ard.

Angel Mercedes: Well, anyway, I’ve been sent to tell you that Jeremy Kyle is pleased with you and he has chosen you to be the mother of a very special child. You must call him Jesus. I’ve got to go and save the universe now.

(Angel Mercedes goes back to the street corner where Angel Britney is standing.)

Angel Britney: ‘Save the universe now’?

Angel Mercedes: Well, I thought it sounded rather good, actually. Do you reckon I could get on Trisha ?

(Joseph comes on. He goes and stands beside Mary. Mary stands up so they are standing together.)

Angel Britney: Joseph and Mary were thinking of getting married not long afterwards but couldnt be arsed. At that time the ruler of the land, King Herod, decreed that every man in the country had to go to his home town to be counted, and take his wife and family with him. Joseph’s home town was Garston, because he was a descendent of King Mudman. (Joseph brings on the rottweiler by his lead. The rottweiler should have a name tag or a muzzle so the audience know what he is). So Mary and Joseph set off with their rottweiler. By this time Mary was due to give birth very soon. (The rottweiler gives Mary a piggy-back)

Angel Mercedes: The journey to Garston was long and tiring, especially for Mary. When they got to Garston they could not find anywhere to stay, because so many people had to be counted that all the inns were full. Finally they came to the last inn in the town.

(The innkeeper comes on)

Innkeeper: No, sorry, we’re full up lid.

Mary: Haven’t you got any rooms at all la?

Innkeeper: (Turning and walking away) Not unless you want to sleep in the cowshed owned by South Liverpool Housing.

Joseph: Okay, we’ll take that then. Have you got a tenancy agreement for my housing benefit claim ? It’s better than sleeping on the streets.

Innkeeper: (Turning round) Oh, all right then. This way. I will sign it now for you

Angel Britney: So the innkeeper led them to a small stable at the back of the inn, gave them some blankets and went back to his inn. Later that night, Mary gave birth to a baby son, and she called him Jesus.

(Mary sits in the stable, holding baby Jesus. Joseph stands behind her. The rottweiler stands outside looking bored.)

Angel Mercedes: In the meantime, I was sent to go and tell some shepherds about the new baby. The shepherds were looking after their sheep in the fields just outside town.

(The shepherds and the sheep come on. The rottweiler  is still looking bored. Angel Mercedes returns from the street corner.)

Angel Mercedes: Boo ya cunt! (She pauses. The shepherds stare blankly at her.) Were you scared?

Shepherd Macca: (Sarcastically) Yep. Terrified yer tit.

Angel mercedes: Oh good. Do not be afraid, for I bring you good news. Tonight, in Garston, a baby has been born who will be the saviour of the world. You will find him in a South Liverpool Housing stable, under a bright star.

(Angel Mercedes goes back to the street corner.)

Shepherd Jonsey: Okay, let’s go find the new baby. Ive just hot-wired a Ford Escort.

Shepherd Smigger: Hey, what are we gonna do with all the sheep?

Shepherd Macca: I don’t know. Eat them, Shag em ? We’d better take them with us.

Shepherd Jonsey: What all four hundred and seventy two and a half of the bastard them?

Shepherd Smigger : And a half? Are you sure you counted them right, you stoned again?

Angel Britney: So the shepherds set off to Garston, with their 472.5 sheep. It didn’t take them long to find the baby because there was a bright star above the stable, showing them the way.

(The star comes on. The rottweiler looks even more bored. The shepherds go over to the stable and sit round it with their sheep. The rotweiler starts fiddling with a cable [which the band are bound to have left lying about] on the floor.

Angel Mercedes: A long way away, in the east, some astronomers saw the star too, and wondered what it was.

(The wise men enter and stand in the main aisle, just in front of the church. Wise Man Dave is wearing an Adidas coat. Star hold ups a sign “THIS WAY”.)

Wise Man Dave: Hey, look. It’s a fuckin star.

(Star holds up, “FOLLOW ME”)

Wise Man Jegsy: I think it wants us to follow it.

(Star holds up, “WELL DONE”)

Wise Man Pavel: Well, we haven’t got anything better to do since I come over from Poland. Come on, let’s go.

(Star holds up, “GOOD IDEA”. The wise men go up onto the stage and follow the star towards the stable.)

Wise Man Jegsy: I’m tired and pissed.

(Star holds up, “ALREADY?”)

Wise Man Jegsy: Can we stop and rest for a moment, look the Lobster Pot is over there?

(Star holds up, “NO”)

Wise Man Pavel: That’s a good idea, I need some Tyskie beer.

(Star holds up,”NO IT ISN’T”)

Wise Man Dave: Here’s a good place to stop.

(They sit down and look bored. Star holds up, “GET UP!”, then, “I HAVEN’T GOT ALL NIGHT YOU KNOW”, then,”HEY YOU”, then, “WITH THE ADIDAS COAT”. Wise Man Dave looks up.)

Wise Man Dave: Hey, I think we should keep following that star.

(Star holds up, “WHERE’D YOU GET THAT IDEA FROM?”)

Wise Man Jegsy: But im fucked.

(Star holds up, “YOU THINK I CARE?”)

Wise Man Pavel: No, we’d better get going. Come on.

(Star holds up, “FINALLY!”)

Angel Britney: So the wise men followed the star all the way to Garston, where they found the baby Jesus and gave him gifts of Stella, Skunk and Jaffa Cakes. Then they returned home and told everyone they met about the baby who would be king of all Liverpool.

(Wise men go off.)

Angel Mercedes: Unfortunately King Herod heard about this, and he wasn’t a happy bunny.

(King Herod comes on)

Herod: I’m going to be the only king round here! I decree that all baby boys in the land should be killed! Killed!

Angel Britney: When Mary and Joseph heard about the decree, they had to flee to Liverpool, where they hid for two years. (Mary, Joseph and the rotweiler go off.) At last Herod died (Herod dies and is carried off) and they could safely return to Garston with Jesus.

Angel Mercedes: That’s not the end of the story – its only the beginning. But Angel Britney and me aren’t in the rest of it, so we thought you wouldn’t find the rest of the story very interesting.

Mary and Joseph get evicted from their housing association house in Garston but only after getting caught lying saying that Joseph didnt live there and being found guilty of benefit fraud. Joseph ended up on heroin and was last seen selling the big issue in town. Mary ended up without a penny after getting addicted to White Lightning Cider and scratch-cards. As for Jesus, well we all know he doesn’t exist.

Peace and a very merry christmas.

Fay

x x




Chrimbo number 66 single and dodgy cassette’s

So Sunday was what used to be one of my fave time of the year. The announcement of the chrimbo number one single. I would be glued to my radio with the cassette player set to record (see later on for more cassette fun) So this year was back to normal and x-shite taking the number one slot. Oh for the golden days of chrimbo number one but a quick look back see’s some shite topping the festive charts. So how many of these did you buy ? Numbers on the end is weeks at number one. Have to pick The Pet Shops boys as my fave on there.

1981 The Human League Don’t You Want Me 5
1982 Renée and Renato Save Your Love 4
1983 The Flying Pickets Only You 5
1984 Band Aid Do They Know It’s Christmas? 5
1985 Shakin’ Stevens Merry Christmas Everyone 2
1986 Jackie Wilson Reet Petite 4
1987 Pet Shop Boys Always on My Mind 4
1988 Cliff Richard Mistletoe and Wine 4
1989 Band Aid II Do They Know It’s Christmas? 3
1990 Cliff Richard Saviour’s Day 1
1991 Queen Bohemian Rhapsody” / “These Are the Days of Our Lives 5
1992 Whitney Houston I Will Always Love You 10
1993 Mr Blobby Mr Blobby 2
1994 East 17 Stay Another Day 5
1995 Michael Jackson Earth Song 6
1996 Spice Girls 2 Become 1 3
1997 Spice Girls Too Much 2
1998 Spice Girls Goodbye 1
1999 Westlife I Have A Dream” / “Seasons in the Sun 4
2000 Bob The Builder Can We Fix It? 3
2001 Robbie WilliamsNicole Kidman Somethin’ Stupid 3
2002 Girls Aloud Sound of the Underground 4
2003 Michael AndrewsGary Jules Mad World 3
2004 Band Aid 20 Do They Know It’s Christmas? 4
2005 Shayne Ward That’s My Goal 4
2006 Leona Lewis A Moment Like This 4
2007 Leon Jackson When You Believe 3
2008 Alexandra Burke Hallelujah 3
2009 Rage Against the Machine Killing in the Name 1
2010 Matt Cardle When We Collide 1[A]

So its all down hill from 2005 onwards and the rise of the Cowell empire. I hope you are all happy. On browsing the festive top 75 this year I came across a song that had slipped under my radar. Yes the epic top 75 hit single “Use my arsehole as a cunt” By Kunt & The Gang. I kid you not and its in the charts at number 66 in the festive top 75 (See below)

A well deserved one place above some band called the Beatles with the obscure track “Let it be” I wonder if Kunt & The Gang will be on xmas top of the pops ? Just found out that you can download this single on itunes and the record label is Disco Minge ! So back to cassettes, yes kids in the days before MP3 and CD’s we had cassettes a strange little rectangle thing that often got snagged up and snapping thus rendering your recording of the 1986 top 30 songs extinct. It was nailed on at chrimbo you would get a 5 pack of TDK 60 mins cassette tapes (or Agfa if you were poor) in your stocking to keep you in music recording gear for the next month. I have over 350 cassettes in my loft from 1986 to about 1993. I even made my own covers and had an imaginatively series of tapes called “Now thats what Fay calls music volume………….” I can guarantee that there will be some dodgy music on them but its all part of growing up and New kids On The Block were pretty cool back in the day. So here is a link I have found and brought back some memories its a page dedicated to cassette tapes I kid you not. http://earth.prohosting.com/th0715/cassettes/top.htm Must admit I was a TDK man but have fond memories of Maxwell and Memorex back in the day. I leave you with a picture of my fave cassette yes I really do have a fave cassette. I might dig out some tapes from the loft and post the best (worst) tracks on here.

Just of to but Mrs Fay a little stocking filler and the CD version of “use my……………….”

Peace

Fay x x

A snow appeal from Garston.

So the snow has come down and still is. As a keen weather bod you might say I was a tad excited and my weather tweets on @liverpoolweath went into overdrive with lots of pics of the snow coming down. I even received reports of snowmen being built in town and on Facebook a friend of mine came across a giant snow penis as big as her complete with bollocks! So up early this morning and on the hunt for a sledge. Finally found one at Smyths on the Speke Retail park. £9.99 for a bit of plastic, I reckon they were only £3.99 yesterday, robbing bastards. But at least we have them now for every year it doesnt normally snow. A quick attempt to get to Holts field was aborted this morning as I couldnt get up Mossley Hill Road. So as ever in the cold weather we need to look after certain parts of the community. Mrs Fay will be popping around later to see my Nan and bring her a Saturday chippy tea. Might as well get one myself. As its still snowing now I am putting out an appeal for the safe delivery of 6 cans of bud (500 ml please) one pack of steak Mccoys, a Twix and 6 snack size sausage rolls. On checking I am down to my last 1 can of bud, out of Twix’s and not a sausage roll in the house. Which with the forecast is not good planning. So please if anybody can make this emergency aid delivery please contact me and remember there wont be sausage rolls in Garston at christmas time……………..and tonight thank god its them instead you ! Also at this time of year and especially in times of bad weather it is a tough time of year for the birds. I had several reports on Twitter last night that the birds were having plenty to drink but were struggling with the conditions. Indeed a flock was caught in town wearing very short skirts and shoes that you struggle to walk in on a normal night never mind out little blast of the artic. Being a keen bird watcher I was a bit sad to miss out on this sight although reports to me indicated that all of these birds at least had two nuts stashed in the front of their skimpy dresses and the nuts were at least the size of footy studs. So no doubt more sledging today, although you couldnt beat sledging in the o-five-one in 1994.

So I await reports of Liverpool coming to a standstill and the rest of the country. No doubt grit and salt will be on the verge of running out. So breaking news that the Liverpool game is off. I reckon all games should be played in a sunnier climate, maybe somewhere like Qatar. Might even be worth holding a world cup in a place like that ? On the weather front. Looks like staying cold into next week and will this snow still be about for Chrimbo ? Luckily I work from home so I will be making it into work on Monday morning as I think I will be able to navigate down the stairs in this weather. So just a quick weather related blog today and remember the appeal for the resident of Garston. I will update you on the progress of the appeal later on and have got the kids on the job making a Blue Peter style totaliser. The aim being 24 cans, 4 Mccoys, 6 Twix’s and a whopping 35 sausage rolls. You can do it folks.

Peace

Fay x x

Antiques roadshow argos style.

So having my normal beers and generally doing nothing on my PS3 and Twitter and Facebook on Saturday night I came across a tweet which for some strange reason I found fascinating. It was a flikr site which contained a scan of the Argos catalogue from 1985. yes it was really 25 years ago. For those of you as sad as me here is the link to look through the catalogue and tick of some chrimbo prezzies. Argos 1985 So where do we start ? Lets go through the catalogue highlights. First up is the garden section and a top of the range Flymo is £99.95, wow thats some serious money for 1985 when we were in recession, riots on the streets and tories in power. Well some things never change and Flymo’s are still a ton. I can see this blog heading in the direction of a game of the price is right, “come on down”. Oh how I loved that show with Leslie Crowther. But back to the classic 1985 Argos catalogue. Next up of note is car seats. Did we really have baby seats in 1985 ? I remember nearly a whole under 12’s footy team lying down in the back of a Cortina estate. Anyway a Kangol child’s safety seat sets you back, yes £23.99. So we flick through some more pages. Cant wait until the underwear section, oh bollocks that was my mums Littlewoods catalogue, how exciting were they to a 12 year old me in 1985 ? Whats next, get in its the gadget section. So after a selection of camera’s with films in, films whats that all about ? Fancy having to wait 3-5 days to look at your pictures only to find out only 4 out of the 24 film were any good. You had three just black pictures and the customary picture of somebodys knob who has stole your camera and not forgetting the shot of somebody on the loo looking shocked. Oh it was only me with them kind of pictures. Luxury lighters next , ha ha in the days when you could be a proud smoker. The top lighter would set you back £16.99. Mind you it was a Colibri “Jetric” electric gas lighter. Flame nozzle protected by automatically opening and closing metal lid. A sunbed next £119. But nobody was orange back in the 80’s. I reckon everybody just burnt themselves red and never went on the bastard things again, that certainly happened with my mum, dad and sister. I was too young to go on our 80’s sunbed but to be honest I was still busy with that Littlewoods catalogue.

And it goes on, next the world famous Elizabeth Duke Argos jewellry . How I saved those pennies to get Mrs Fay’s engagement ring from there ! Was that a joke or not ? So I will leve you with the latest cutting edge Sony Walkman, well not in the Argos. Just quality makes like Ross and Crown. Some nifty looking ghetto blasters next £199 for a single tape and radio Phillips, which can run on 10 batteries for about 13 mins otherwise you need your own nuclear power reactor if you wanna play your electro synth on the streets. ZX Spectrum anybody ? A cool £119.95 for 48 k memory ! Looking at the toys its amazing how many have not actually changed that much but here is the main point of the blog and where my antique collection is revealed for the first time ever. Ok I admit to having a bit of OCD (obsessive compulsive order) when it comes to the knife, fork and spoon I eat with. So when I moved to live with my nan in 1992 I took my own knife, fork and spoon with me. When I moved in with my girlfriend to become wife in 2004 I brought the cutlery with me. To my great disgusts Mrs Fay has lost my knife so I am only down to a fork and spoon, which nobody in the house can use but me ! So when looking at the 1985 Argos catalogue to my great astonishment on page 119 its only my fave knife fork and spoon, or as its better known the “harmony” collection. Just £8.99 for a 24 piece set. How my parents lived it up eh. So in true antiques roadshow style here is the valuation of the fork and spoon I own. Now because I only have 2 out of the three the valuation comes in at just £2.99.Should I have had the full set the value of my cutlery for insurance purposes would be £2000 to £3000. Fookin ell Mrs Fay fancy losing my knife !! I wouldnt sell them for the world and must have been eating with them for the last 20 years at least !!! Here is the picture to prove my collection is real.

Peace

Fay x x

Smelly students rise up.

So this big news story is those dam smelly students on the rampage again. I found myself watching the action actually willing them on like I was watching a footy match which was a bit strange. I wasnt wanting them to wreck the place or cause injury to anybody but it wouldve been a mighty achievement if they had actually broke through the police lines and got into parliament. So my first thought as I watched the students gather and then pockets of trouble started to occur was that there was some might police overtime being done just in time for chrimbo. To begin it was just shoving and trying to get as near to parliament as possible but soon it escalated into some nasty trouble. You can tell the price of things have gone up because all the students could muster were paint bombs which made the scene look like it was from a Sony Bravia advert. With petrol at a record high of £1.21 a litre and more to come with the new year VAT hike it’s quite pricey to let off some 80’s style petrol bombs so some cheap paint from B&Q was the order of the day. Now had they made parliament like the pic below it would prove that art degree’s are worth their money and not just a waste of a degree for some pot smoking wannabe hippy.

So a brief break for adverts on Sky News and time to sponsor a polar bear as the ice is melting. A few weeks in Scotland with the current weather will do the polar bears proud. Climate change, all my arse. Just an excuse to tax us more and bang the price of things up. So back to the news and it was time for a copper to fall of his horse. Well thats at least 12 months of sick and no doubt the police who rescued him will go off with stress for six months. Now I know the bizzies have a hard job but you know that the feeling you get that the police just love hitting back is true. So next to be thrown at the police were snooker balls. I suppose there are many spare snooker balls about as nobody plays the game these days, how many hours did I spend as a teenager down the snooker centre at Window Lane in Garston. I watched the news for a bit longer, im a sucker for these things and put my playstation 3 on hold for a bit. Thats when I thought it needs a good riot game. Maybe sim riot 2011 where you can either be the students or the police. The game could include all the latest police kettling tactics and as a student with your limited cash would you buy 10 snooker balls and 5 paint bombs or just 1 petrol bomb ? Time to take my idea to a games studio. As ever I was on Twitter during the event and the stand out line for me was “There are a small minority causing trouble in Parliament Square but they are dressed with blue helmets and visors so easy to spot.”  So next it was time for the vote on increasing fees. The deputy environment secretary had flown in from Mexico to vote and was in country for 9 hours then to go back to climate change meeting !!! Carbon footprint ? Seems it doesn’t matter all the time eh. Those poor polar bears. So the vote passed and at least some Lib Dems grew a set of bollocks and voted against the rise. Some tried to grow a set and abstained which is neither here or there but I suppose that’s what the Lib Dems are now. Who in their right minds would ever vote for these bunch of sell outs ever again. I sent a tweet to Liverpool Lib Dem councillor Paula Keaveney “looks warm by Westminster with those fires. Quite a lot of your votes going up in smoke. Pity I did vote LD for a bit.” but alas no reply. So thats it fees in and watch them rise and rise. Just look at how VAT has gone from 10% in the year I was born (1973) to 20% in the new year. So the students are right to protest and wrong to cause the damage they did but sometimes things ned to be done. Just look at the poll tax riots. There are too many uni courses and it needs to be slimmed down but the route we are going down could return us to when the elite get to go to uni and get all the good jobs whilst the rest of us work in industry, ooops forgot the tories killed that and they way the are going this time they are trying to kill us even more this time around. So one last bit of the story is that Charles and Camilla were on a night out and were driven past the protestors in their lovely limo. I thought Camilla travelled in a horse-box ? The limo was set upon and covered in paint and a window smashed. Now the biggest crime of the night happened here and pictures show the damming evidence. Both Charles and Camilla did not have a seatbelt on but I suppose when its mummy who will be bringing the charges its OK. I think Al Queda need to have a word with the students as it’s clearly a touch easy to get near the future king.

Some great pics of the riots here http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/12/london_tuition_fee_protest.html?camp=localsearch:on:twit:rtbutton

Peace and viva la revolution

Fay

x x

Facebook cartoons the deadly hidden message.

So we all changed our Facebook profile pictures to cartoons. I went for Chorlton from Chorlton and the wheelies. It was my fave cartoon which was on in the late 70’s and made by Cosgrove and Hall. It featured Chorlton who was a happiness dragon who lived in Wheelie World surrounded by little wheelie cars who are at odds with the baddy Fenella the witch. But enough of that. The idea to change your Facebook picture was to show your support and raise awareness for the NSPCC. I first seen this on facebook on Friday and sussed it was not a real campaign but it was a bit of fun and interesting to see everybody else’s cartoon pics. But soon Facebook was awash with  a counter rumour along the lines of this ” The group asking everybody to change their favorite cartoon character is actually a group of paedophile’s. They are doing it because kids will accept their friend requests faster if the see a cartoon picture. It has nothing to do with supporting child protection or the NSPCC” So here I was with my Chorlton picture now masquerading as a peado. I remember the good old days when Peado’s were clearly marked as driving around in cars armed with either a puppy or some sweets. The Grade A peado’s had both sweets and a puppy, that would make you run a mile as fast as you could were you would then run into purple Aki. Left with nowhere to go the nearest hiding space was the local catholic church. With hindsight that wasnt the best hiding place to get away from Peado’s and purple Aki was it ! But luckily in my day it was rare for peado’s to be seen unlike today where the TV news and certain newspapers will have you believing there is one in every three houses in YOUR street. In my so called trendy past I have sported T-shirts with Mr Benn on and the banana splits. I couldnt wear such attire now as to be bracketed as a kiddy fiddler straight away and no doubt subject to a facebook group “stay away from men with cartoon t-shirts they are all peado’s”

So not being a big fan of chrimbo (Bah humbug) I am actually wishing the day comes quick if only to signal the end of x-factor. We can all start worrying about the recession and spending cuts again. We must also not forget the old faves which are devils dogs, asylum seekers and as mentioned before there is a peado in every two houses in your road (It has gone up whilst writing this) Plus we can go back to moaning about the cold weather in winter ! I have a rare journey to work tomorrow and have to head up to Castleford for the day and that means waking up at 5am and a gentle reminder of how bloody good working from home is.

So my old mate Robbie Savage  (Click here for blog) is now on match of the day two. So thats Mark “Brighty” Bright, Garth Crooks and Robbie Savage all on the BBC. I reckon that Jeremy Beadle is about to make a comeback from the grave and announce that it was all a wind up to see how much the public could take of shite pundits in a special from the grave “Beadles about” Staying with sport and just as Newcastle find some stability they sack Chris Hughton. Hopefully they will take our “Woy” and I will personally drive him up there, even in these weather conditions. A quick look at the betting for next Newcastle manager and Raoul Moat is 100/1. I jest of course but you wouldnt put anything past the geordies.

So a mish mash of a blog. I make fun of the peado situation and realise its a very serious subject but the press do over hype it and people fall for it and it snowballs from there.

Peace

Fay x x

The bidding starts here, bumming allowed.

So it looks like I will be an old man should the world cup ever returns to the snowy shores of England.  Despite having the best bid England just got two votes and one of them was from our fella. What a shambles. You could tell we hadnt won as Prince William or Big Willy as Kate calls him had a face that looked like he had just been told his brother was in fact only his half brother. So 2018 and Russia won the bid. The only I liked about that bid was the bird in the Bet Lynch leopard skin gear (see pic below) which was part of their bid team. On reflection she wasnt as nice as I thought but I suppose in my moment of despair of England losing the bid I was looking for a silver lining to that cloud. I mean in the cold winter with a bottle of Vodka I might be tempted to snuggle up to her if I wasnt married. With the current weather conditions I might get down to Primark and get Mrs Fay a copy of that dress go out in the Moscow type weather we are having and then neck some cheap vodka and have some world cup bidding role play !!! So after 2018 its 2019, then 2020. I will stop here as Im expecting a remix version of 20/20 by George Benson to be released. What a cunning bastard. I thought Prince had it sussed with 1999 but George had laid down a future bomb with that 2020 song. What vision will we have in 2020 ? If we are going 3D now who knows what vision we will have by 2020. But I digress and after 2020 (visionnnnnnnnn) its 2021 then off to Qatar for world cup 2022. I will be approaching the big 49 and thats just my waist size. I dont think I will be going to the Qatar world cup. First up no booze and also this law. Article 201 of the Qatari Penal Code punishes sodomy between consenting adults (irrespective of sex) with up to five years of imprisonment.” No bumming enough to put anybody off of any sexual leaning. I mean who doesnt like a few beers before the game followed by a quick bum then go the match have a few beers and if your lucky another bum at half time followed by post match scoops and if your team has won a group bum. Just a little insight to the match going antics of a male for you women. Its then back home after the match to your missus. We all know of course that front bum from wives is now reserved for birthdays and chrimbo (21 days 9 hours and counting) never mind the illegal activity that doesnt go on in Qatar. So no doubt the 21 members of FIFA are a few bob richer this morning and no doubt some of them would have had a bit of free bumming thrown in.

Next up a big thanks to everyone who donated for my Movember muzzy. At present I have raised £215 beating last years £186. But the world cup bid is the big story at the moment and I have decided to open up the bidding for my 40th birthday celebrations. All bids must be lodged by 18th September 2012 ( my 39th ) I will then have a year to inspect and visit each bidding city an be offered bribes and maybe some bumming, although you can give the Bet Lynch leopard skin gear a miss. Then In July 2013 I will announce the winning bid. Just a point of note dont bother bidding England. In other news the wikileaks web site has been up down then up again etc but I managed to get the following leak. “July 2018 England knocked out by Germany on pens in the round of last 16 of the Russian world cup.” “July 2022 England player gets super injunction to stop us revealing who got caught bumming in Qatar” Well thats enough for now. Only so many times you can crack bumming gags. Im just of to email Peter Tatchell and Elton John to see if I can have their VIP hospitality tickets for the 2022 world cup.

Peace

Fay x x