(Mary is sitting on deck-chair outside her housing association house. Angel Mercedes and Angel Britney are standing on the street corner)
Angel Mercedes: The story we are about to tell took place last Friday, but it has been told and retold more than any other story down the dole office. Because of it, millions of people all over the world celebrate a huge festival every year. This is the story of Christmas signing on day.
Angel Britney: In a small town called Liverpool, a young girl sat alone in her room watching x-factor. Her name was Mary. Mary was betrothed to be married to a carpenter on the side called Jospeh Bar Jacob. Mary was wasnt a very religious girl, and God wasnt pleased with her.
Angel Mercedes: So he sent me to give the lazy cow a message.
(Angel Mercedes jumps down onto the stage in her Ugh boots )
Angel Mercedes: Boo ya cunt!
Mary: (Not very interested) Yeshhh Jeremy Kyle’s on but oh look. It’s an angel.
Angel Mercedes: Don’t be afraid, Mary, I’ve come to tell you good news. Jeremy Kyle wants you to go on his show.
Mary: I’m not afraid ya bitch, I love Jezza.
Angel Mercedes: Oh. Well you’re supposed to be yer slut.
Mary: I’m not coz im fuckin well ard.
Angel Mercedes: Well, anyway, I’ve been sent to tell you that Jeremy Kyle is pleased with you and he has chosen you to be the mother of a very special child. You must call him Jesus. I’ve got to go and save the universe now.
(Angel Mercedes goes back to the street corner where Angel Britney is standing.)
Angel Britney: ‘Save the universe now’?
Angel Mercedes: Well, I thought it sounded rather good, actually. Do you reckon I could get on Trisha ?
(Joseph comes on. He goes and stands beside Mary. Mary stands up so they are standing together.)
Angel Britney: Joseph and Mary were thinking of getting married not long afterwards but couldnt be arsed. At that time the ruler of the land, King Herod, decreed that every man in the country had to go to his home town to be counted, and take his wife and family with him. Joseph’s home town was Garston, because he was a descendent of King Mudman. (Joseph brings on the rottweiler by his lead. The rottweiler should have a name tag or a muzzle so the audience know what he is). So Mary and Joseph set off with their rottweiler. By this time Mary was due to give birth very soon. (The rottweiler gives Mary a piggy-back)
Angel Mercedes: The journey to Garston was long and tiring, especially for Mary. When they got to Garston they could not find anywhere to stay, because so many people had to be counted that all the inns were full. Finally they came to the last inn in the town.
(The innkeeper comes on)
Innkeeper: No, sorry, we’re full up lid.
Mary: Haven’t you got any rooms at all la?
Innkeeper: (Turning and walking away) Not unless you want to sleep in the cowshed owned by South Liverpool Housing.
Joseph: Okay, we’ll take that then. Have you got a tenancy agreement for my housing benefit claim ? It’s better than sleeping on the streets.
Innkeeper: (Turning round) Oh, all right then. This way. I will sign it now for you
Angel Britney: So the innkeeper led them to a small stable at the back of the inn, gave them some blankets and went back to his inn. Later that night, Mary gave birth to a baby son, and she called him Jesus.
(Mary sits in the stable, holding baby Jesus. Joseph stands behind her. The rottweiler stands outside looking bored.)
Angel Mercedes: In the meantime, I was sent to go and tell some shepherds about the new baby. The shepherds were looking after their sheep in the fields just outside town.
(The shepherds and the sheep come on. The rottweiler is still looking bored. Angel Mercedes returns from the street corner.)
Angel Mercedes: Boo ya cunt! (She pauses. The shepherds stare blankly at her.) Were you scared?
Shepherd Macca: (Sarcastically) Yep. Terrified yer tit.
Angel mercedes: Oh good. Do not be afraid, for I bring you good news. Tonight, in Garston, a baby has been born who will be the saviour of the world. You will find him in a South Liverpool Housing stable, under a bright star.
(Angel Mercedes goes back to the street corner.)
Shepherd Jonsey: Okay, let’s go find the new baby. Ive just hot-wired a Ford Escort.
Shepherd Smigger: Hey, what are we gonna do with all the sheep?
Shepherd Macca: I don’t know. Eat them, Shag em ? We’d better take them with us.
Shepherd Jonsey: What all four hundred and seventy two and a half of the bastard them?
Shepherd Smigger : And a half? Are you sure you counted them right, you stoned again?
Angel Britney: So the shepherds set off to Garston, with their 472.5 sheep. It didn’t take them long to find the baby because there was a bright star above the stable, showing them the way.
(The star comes on. The rottweiler looks even more bored. The shepherds go over to the stable and sit round it with their sheep. The rotweiler starts fiddling with a cable [which the band are bound to have left lying about] on the floor.
Angel Mercedes: A long way away, in the east, some astronomers saw the star too, and wondered what it was.
(The wise men enter and stand in the main aisle, just in front of the church. Wise Man Dave is wearing an Adidas coat. Star hold ups a sign “THIS WAY”.)
Wise Man Dave: Hey, look. It’s a fuckin star.
(Star holds up, “FOLLOW ME”)
Wise Man Jegsy: I think it wants us to follow it.
(Star holds up, “WELL DONE”)
Wise Man Pavel: Well, we haven’t got anything better to do since I come over from Poland. Come on, let’s go.
(Star holds up, “GOOD IDEA”. The wise men go up onto the stage and follow the star towards the stable.)
Wise Man Jegsy: I’m tired and pissed.
(Star holds up, “ALREADY?”)
Wise Man Jegsy: Can we stop and rest for a moment, look the Lobster Pot is over there?
(Star holds up, “NO”)
Wise Man Pavel: That’s a good idea, I need some Tyskie beer.
(Star holds up,”NO IT ISN’T”)
Wise Man Dave: Here’s a good place to stop.
(They sit down and look bored. Star holds up, “GET UP!”, then, “I HAVEN’T GOT ALL NIGHT YOU KNOW”, then,”HEY YOU”, then, “WITH THE ADIDAS COAT”. Wise Man Dave looks up.)
Wise Man Dave: Hey, I think we should keep following that star.
(Star holds up, “WHERE’D YOU GET THAT IDEA FROM?”)
Wise Man Jegsy: But im fucked.
(Star holds up, “YOU THINK I CARE?”)
Wise Man Pavel: No, we’d better get going. Come on.
(Star holds up, “FINALLY!”)
Angel Britney: So the wise men followed the star all the way to Garston, where they found the baby Jesus and gave him gifts of Stella, Skunk and Jaffa Cakes. Then they returned home and told everyone they met about the baby who would be king of all Liverpool.
(Wise men go off.)
Angel Mercedes: Unfortunately King Herod heard about this, and he wasn’t a happy bunny.
(King Herod comes on)
Herod: I’m going to be the only king round here! I decree that all baby boys in the land should be killed! Killed!
Angel Britney: When Mary and Joseph heard about the decree, they had to flee to Liverpool, where they hid for two years. (Mary, Joseph and the rotweiler go off.) At last Herod died (Herod dies and is carried off) and they could safely return to Garston with Jesus.
Angel Mercedes: That’s not the end of the story – its only the beginning. But Angel Britney and me aren’t in the rest of it, so we thought you wouldn’t find the rest of the story very interesting.
Mary and Joseph get evicted from their housing association house in Garston but only after getting caught lying saying that Joseph didnt live there and being found guilty of benefit fraud. Joseph ended up on heroin and was last seen selling the big issue in town. Mary ended up without a penny after getting addicted to White Lightning Cider and scratch-cards. As for Jesus, well we all know he doesn’t exist.
Peace and a very merry christmas.