No Llandudno, No Playstation, No darts win.

So here we are in the middle of a double bank holiday bonanza. So last weekend Friday heralded a family day out to Llandudno. I have been to Llandudno many a time when I was little as I had a great Aunty who lived there and remember many an hour spent in the arcade called the golden goose at the start of the pier. So with the kids asking are we there yet as we hit our first mini traffic jam it was soon clear to see it was gonna take at least double the time to get to Llandudno with the good Friday traffic and with it being a lovely day the kids were already getting irritable in the back of the car. So I aborted destination Llandudno and we went to Chester instead. After a nice stroll by the river we had a nice family picnic on the lawn outside the cathedral and we headed home to buy a BBQ from B&Q and have tea in our garden. I swear that approximately 5 minutes after I had bought the BBQ with it not even made it started to rain. Thankfully it was only a small shower but not thankfully the BBQ was a flat pack style construction with instructions that could only be understood by an engineer with a masters in engineering. Two brains are better than one and me and Mrs Fay finally got the BBQ erected and away we went. I remember the golden age when good Friday meant a lads day out to Southport and all day on the grog and now its aborted trips to Wales with the family in tow. Before I know it the kids will be wheeling me along the pier for a cheeky chip barm before returning me to the nursing home for a special o-five-one evening with the rest of the over 80’s.

So not only have Sony given all my personal details away the could well of given my credit card details to the hacker who has breached the security of their network as well. Playstation network as its known is not back online yet so I can’t even remember which credit card I have linked to the account ! At least my gaming life doesn’t consist of endless hours of army based fighting against the entire worlds teenage spot laden boys. The poor sods must be twiddling their collective thumbs as they havent been able to play online over the entire easter period. I indeed sense that the masturbation levels of teenage boys must be in overdrive around the bedrooms of the world with the lack of Playstation action. So indeed I couldn’t have a friendly game of golf on my PS3. Good job I didn’t intend on going to Llandudno to play my PS3 online as my weekend would have been a wipeout.

Saturday and it was time for our new darts tournament called “The Rosemont Matchplay” after comfortably negotiating the group stage it was onto the semis and as reigning world champion the dream of a double was shattered. Out I went and the championship went to Colin Airey. On reflection I obviously wasnt pissed enough to be in my darting zone as I took 8 cans of cider to Mo’s house for the darts and only necked 7 of them. I will have to make sure I am suitably pissed for the next tournament and avoid the embarrassment by my high standards of a semi final exit. Speaking of embarrassment I was in ours on Friday post BBQ looking at random family pictures on the TV on my Apple TV (Yes you know I am an Apple slag) A picture from my sister in-laws (Emma) hen night came on where she was holding a giant inflatable cock. When the picture flashed up Elizabeth my eldest asked whats Aunty Emma holding ? Me and Mrs Fay looked at each other trying to contain our laughter and luckily enough the pictures are only on-screen for about 10 seconds so we could move on without any explanation.

And finally those of you who are unemployed and need work I hear there is a human cannonball job on the go in Kent. I did apply for it myself but during my interview they fired the cannon and only smoke came out the top as my rotund figure had wedged half way up . Oh well royal wedding BBQ on Friday and a 40th birthday BBQ on Sunday so looks like any human cannonball job is on the back burner as I wont even be able to fit in the cannon come Monday morning. On the bright side tonight after my job my bathroom scales had run out of batteries, so lets just call it 12 stone 7 give or take a few stone eh.

Peace

Fay x x

Last gasp Glasto and Royal wedding build up.

So Sunday morning comes and im awake for 9 so I decide to log onto the Glastonbury ticket site and see if I can get some last minute tickets. Mrs Fay was unsure if she wanted to go due to getting childcare for us and in the end all the tickets were sold without even a sniff of getting them. But there was one option left and it was to travel by coach. So I tried on that page as was sent to the holding page like I had been for the normal tickets. Then I noticed after taking a break from scoffing my traditional Sunday morning sausage butty that I was in and had the chance to buy tickets. Mrs Fay had said she wasnt gonna go so it was decision time could I go on my own, would I want to go on my own and the big question of the day would Mrs Fay let me go !! So Mrs Fay grunted I could do what I like (which is not a no in my book) and so it was booked 1 Glastonbury ticket with coach from Liverpool to depart at 09.30 from Liverpool on the Thursday. So Glasto 2011 here I come, billy no mates on my own. First up after stumping up the cash to the ticket and coach travel is the bribes that need to be slung Mrs Fay’s way. With a trip to Spain in May and also a weekend away before Glasto I sense the price is gonna be high (Already living room being decorated and a new wardrobe for the bedroom along with a large shelf type thing for the living room has been submitted as the start of the bribing process begins) This could be the costliest Glasto in history. Well worth it though and I had a belter time last year (weather did add to that) and the place and whole event stole a tiny piece of my heart which is a hard thing to do to a miserable bastard like myself. So going on my own is a bit daunting but then drinking cider and watching bands for 3 days will offset the loneliness. I’m sure I will find somebody I know who’s going to meet for a pint and if not I will just mumble to strangers. So like last year I will blog from the festival and tweet (might be the only human style contact I have) So with the lineup being released some of the bands/artists I will see are U2, B.B.King, Mumford and Sons, Deacon Blue, Elbow, Paolo Nuntini, The Streets, Plan B, Imelda May and Paul Simon. Add along some comedians Marcus Brigstocke, Mitch Benn, Robin Ince, Arthur Smith and Jeremy Hardy. All that before I have scratched under the surface with the smaller venues not to mention the dance tents and you can see there is a lot to keep me busy over the festival. If I get lonely ive always got my right hand !

So all this lovely April weather is just giving me the urge to consume cider every evening. So far I had resisted until this evening when I finally caved in. Or is it that I just cant contain the joy that is bubbling over from the royal wedding next Friday. Today Prince Charles has become the longest-serving heir apparent in British history. I think he’s got a few more years to wait as well. By the time he is King he is gonna be an old codger and will be quickly passing it onto our new golden couple Wills and Kate and so a small bit of Diana will be queen as her second-hand engagement ring will be sitting on Kate’s finger. Mrs Fay wants to have a wedding BBQ (another post Glasto bargaining bid) and well you know me any excuse for a bevvy. I will actually watch some of it just to see the royal family put on a very good show, even if the rest of the country are losing jobs and waiting times for the NHS are on the increase, the Royals are free to piss our money away. To be fair id rather it spent on a good wedding than bombing Libya. So out with the union jacks and time to load up some Rule Britannia on the ipod. I was gonna invite my dad down but with him generally wanting to cut every royals head off he has already indicated to me that he is looking forward to muttering at the TV all day and night ( I wonder were I get it from) I will be looking at Charles to see if he is muttering to Camilla ” When am I gonna bloody get to be king” At least Kate has her own coat of arms which gives me a challenge for my next blog to make my own coat of arms to post. Does anyone else think that Kates is shite compared to Wills ? He gets shields, lions and garters. She gets an acorn, inverted V and a ribbon. I bet them Germans made us pay for that as well !

Peace and happy birthday Sky Sports, bastards.

Fay

My slide into middle age…….wheeeeeeeee. Desert Island Discs.

So it’s with a heavy heart I announce my slide or should that be decline into middle age.  This week whilst looking for podcasts to listen to in work I decided to download “Desert Island Discs” from Radio 4. Desert Island Discs is the longest running factual radio programme in history. First broadcast in 1942 the basis of the programme is that I am to be cast away on a desert island and I have eight pieces of music together with the complete works of Shakespeare and the bible (At least that’s a bit of bogroll) So with my hair already balding and my middle age spread well and truly spread it’s onto middle age with a big wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee as I slide from my late thirties headlong into my forties. So bring on the M&S jumpers, baggy y-fronts and wearing white socks with shoes. Giant hairs out of your ears and nose (that box is ticked) and increased grumpiness. So here is a special blog which features my desert island discs if only Kirsty Young was interviewing me I could have my first middle-aged crush !

So song one in no particular order (I get to pick one track to take to the island later) it’s a Deacon Blue song. I first got into Deacon Blue very early when Raintown had just been released after listening to an interview with the band on Radio City by DJ Tony Snell. So I have all of the Deacon Blue back catalogue to go through but my choice is gonna be the obvious one “Dignity” This reminds me of my echo paper round listening to it on my walkman. 24 years later im still listening to it.

Song 2 and its somebody who I only came across on new years eve 2002 and he was on Jools Holland’s hootenanny. I was blown away by the performance. A Quick bit of research and I realised how important Solomon Burke was in the history of music. I was lucky enough to catch him. live twice before he died late last year. ‘Dont give up on me” from the album of the same name  and well worth a listen.

Song 3 and we will go to my years as a cheesey quaver (raver) From my first night in the 051 in September 1994 onto Garlands and then Cream and ending up in Ibiza via a few creamfields and even clubbing in Amsterdam I will limit myself to just one dance track which is a tough choice. The one im  going for is an early 051 track from 1994 by Ruby Turner called “Never ever gonna give you up” I can picture myself back in the 051 with Colin and Joel. Those were the days.

Song 4 is from my fave band The Christians. I got into The Christians as one of their brothers was my music teacher in Calderstones school. I remember going to Woolies on Allerton Road to buy their first single “Forgotten Town” on seven-inch vinyl. The song im gonna pick by them is “Words”  Released in December 1989 it reminds me of the start of 1990 which was my fave year when I was younger. I finished school early due to my GCSE’s which linked in nicely with the Italia 90 world cup and I was just discovering booze. I didn’t have a care in the world that year. (Due to restrictions you will have to click the video and watch on YouTube)

Song 5 is going to take me back to one of the first bit of music I can remember buying/playing. It might have been my sisters but it was an ex juke box single bought from the local paper shop on Aigburth Road at the bottom of Woodlands Road (were we lived at the time)  on the same block as the launderette, but the paper shop is long since gone. It’s a Boney M track ( these tracks don’t have to be cool do they ? ) Its “Rasputin” Oh those Russians eh. Must be were my love of a good cheesy pop song came from. Isnt that Boney M fella mad as well. Another video you will have click on to view.

Song 6 and back the new millennium. Another artist brought to my attention once again on Jools Holland’s hootenanny. This time Seasick Steve. I first watched Seasick live just after that appearance playing to about 150 people in Liverpool in a very intimate gig. Last time I seen him was with just a few more people at Glastonbury last year. Torn between two songs of his but I am going for “Doghouse boogie” as it shows off all his skills but please do check out “Walkin man” a nice mellow choon.

Song 7 is the most recent and stems from my fave band The Christians. This track is by Henry Priestman who played keyboards and was the main songwriter of The Christians. From his first solo album “Chronicles of a modern life” do check it out its one of the singles “Grey’s The New Blonde”  I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Henry on a couple of occasions and I must admit was a bit worried as I had his picture on my bedroom wall in the late 80’s (That sounds very dodgy doesn’t it !! ) and when buying those early Christians singles never did I think I would end up going for a pint with him (Ok enough name dropping) The lyrics on this song are excellent. I could only find this version of it and when played live it always misses the strings in my opinion but the lyrics carry it on. I suppose with my slide into middle age grey is deffo the new blonde. (Edit video of the single here “Greys The New Blonde” )

So song 8 and my biggest vice The Pet Shop Boys. From “West End Girls” through to current day I have always been a massive Pet Shop Boys fan but kept this hidden during my raving days and early 00’s but im out and proud now and topped of with a magical performance I witnessed at the other stage at Glastonbury last year. So many songs to pick from but im going for an old one with a modern twist. “Left to my own devices” but a more modern live dancier version. I remember this from the “Introspective” album and reminds me of living in Mossley Hill Road and staying awake until the sun came up in my bedroom unable to sleep as I was in some strange teenage sleeping pattern. This version will forever make me smile and remind me of Mrs Fay and Helen who I went to Glasto with. (Note a new song “Did you see me coming” is tagged onto the end of this performance)

So that’s that and possibly my longest blog yet. Just a couple more desert island discs things to do. I am allowed one luxury item and im gonna pick a footy so I can act out like a kid being Jan Molby or John Barnes with nobody around to see me. Finally I have to pick just one song to come with me. I’m gonna go for an upbeat one and its The Pet Shop Boys “Left to my own devices” as it does both of reminding me of when I was of school age but combines it with a dance beat from my much loved clubbing days. Nearly forgot that I get to take a book and its gonna be “Best of readers wives” well i’m gonna be on my own on there arent I !

So that’s it from this weeks special edition of desert island discs with the unknown Neil George Fay.

Peace

Fay x x

15th April once again a TWAT of a day

Just a tweeked version of last years blog.

So the 15th of April comes around yet again and its a day I dont look forward to. 15/04/1989 and its now 22 years since Liverpool fans went to Hillsborough for a F.A.Cup semi final and 96 of them died. I didnt go the match that day but had friends who did and I still remember making the phone calls that evening wondering what I would do if I heard any bad news. All my close friends made it back. There was however one lad who I played football with who did not. His name was Philip Hammond. He was only 14 and I has played in teams with him from Sudley juniors through to APH. He was a good player, that good that he was in the year below us but often played with my year. Hid dad Philip Hammond Senior has been a tireless campaigner for justice for those fans. What a shocking waste of a life, the truth will be told one day and many people need educating about the facts of Hillsborough. Not much more needs to be said today, but remember never buy the sun.

As if by some cruel twist of fate 15/04/2006 came around and after battling cancer for the best part of 10 years my mum finally died after some time in a hospice. She was brave to the end and went through so much in those 10 years and I grab the positives that she seen me get married, and have our Eldest Elizabeth. It pains me that she never got to see Charlotte, and time does heal things a bit but certain dates stick out. Both my daughters have Lillian as a middle name after my mum so they will always remember nana. Just a short blog today and I will be having a drink later on and remember my mum and those footy fans who went to see a match but never returned.

Peace

Fay x x

Peppa Pig respite

So time for another blog and to resist the temptation to ramble on about the state of the country etc. It’s a busy couple of weeks in work as I try and make up time for all the fookin bank holidays at the end of the month including an extra one for the wedding. Being director of Faymondo Benefits Limited (Sounds far grander than it actually is) means of course no paid bank holidays so I have to make my hours up. Not only that but because there is a bank holiday in fewer days to male them up as well. So that means a couple of Saturdays this month to ease the workload. Also hoping it keeps me off the grog on a Friday night. So I had the joy last weekend of the wife and kids going down to London for a long weekend. So with the first decent weather of the weekend I was tempted to have a bbq on my own on Saturday but I resisted the temptation as (A) it would have been quite sad and (B) I had promised to go the chippy for my 95 year old nan so thought it rude not to get myself some. Speaking of which I treated her to a chippy tea but insisted she paid her £1.75 she owed me for putting on her Grand National horses after she had a place on one of her £1 each way horses. I have a little motto on life that says always pay your gambling and drug debts off. Dont know why as I have never had a drug debt and neither has my nan to my knowledge. Although she could be sitting there getting smacked up every day (might explain why the fire is on 2 bars even when its 28c outside) although still living at home at 95 being a smackhead is highly unlikely or is that the secret to her eternal life ? I think the cod liver oil tablet she takes every day is more likely. So I did work on Saturday and also on Friday night resisted the temptation of the 40 bottles of Bud in my fridge. Unfortunately the stash didn’t survive a raid on Saturday night. Sunday came and with no family and four mornings on the run being awake for 6.40am I was expecting a lovely lie and yes you guessed it awake for 8.30 (bitch) I decided to be pro active and make the most of my Sunday morning so went out for a 6 mile jog. This was the furthest I had ever run in my life and I think I will do the Mersey Tunnel 10k in June. Then and only then will I decide on my decision for London 2012. The next part of the morning I decided to take all the shite that had built up around the side of the house down to the tip. Only took 2 journeys and now at least we have stopped looking like we are “The Clampett’s” of our road with numerous old beds and other such junk stacking up at the side of the house. So no luck on the National (£25 down) and indeed quite sad that two horses died but the animal lovers are out in force. Only a small mention for the jockey that fell earlier on in the day (Peter Toole) who is in a coma after a crashing fall. Until the humans in the world are fed, have water, no child is being abused and war is stopped etc etc I will then concentrate my efforts on the animals. The horses that ride in the national are most probably treated better than millions of people on this planet and I will say again it is sad that two died but please animal lovers direct such passion in other directions. Half of them who jump on the band wagon were most probably reading the sunday papers about the death of the two horses tutting and huffing away whilst settling down for bacon/sausage on toast. Poor pigs. Rant over (just can’t resist can I) and get well soon Peter Toole.

Bambino’s popping out everywhere and congratulations to John and Clare on the birth of Evie. To Joey and Lesley on the birth of Oliver and to Guff and Michelle who are expecting in September. Feel like the Liverpool Echo announcements page, should enjoy it whilst the going is good as in 20 plus years time I might be blogging friends obituaries  or if im very unlucky somebody logging on here announcing my demise and trip to the big Sayers up in the sky. Out of “the lads” I just hope im not first so I can enjoy one decent funeral, the lengths I will stoop to for a bevvy eh. So the missus and kids are back. Silence is shattered. The TV seems to be back on permanently and once again being dominated by some bastard pig called Peppa. The respite is over oink oink daddy pig.

Peace

Fay x x

 

What no Sunday Sport and a whole lot of Zumba.

So its with a heavy heart that I bring you more shocking news. The last blog was about the demise of the I.M.Marsh. This time its the demise of the Sunday Sport. How can we forget headlines like “London Bus found frozen in Antarctic Ice” or indeed “World war II bomber found on moon” Ah the joyous days before immigrants and Al Qadea. Petrol was nearly as cheap as coca cola. Which reminds me of one of my fave lyrics from a Henry Priestman song  Greys the new blonde “When I first met you petrol was cheap” So apart from the high class reporting (still pisses on todays Daily Mail) what about the amount of boobs in there. OK I admit a lot of them were like a bit not real. Indeed some of them looked the size of the moon and may well of been hiding a London bus in between them. What will the white van and truckers of the U.K now proudly display on their dashboards ? Is there a gap in the market ? Do I sense a new more modern version to be created ? How about an Ipad version. Am I to be the new soft porn magnet of Speke/Garston. I could also be editor and come up with some headlines. So here it goes.

Nick Clegg secret child of Thatcher born in 1967.

Michael Jackson still alive working in a nursery.

Japan earthquake a hoax, special edition of endurance being filmed http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=109-5Q5S3tU

Roy Hodgson to be new manager of Liverpool after Benitez.

Free sausage rolls for people with a surname of Fay.

So it wont be missed and it was quite frankly shite but soon I wont be able to go on the I.M Marsh with a sneaky copy of the Sunday Sport, not that I ever did !

So how do you follow that ? Well the other night when Mrs Fay was at Zumba I decided to try the xbox 360 version of Zumba. Now straight away the curtains were shut even though the light nights are nearly upon us. Zumba for those of you that dont know is going on in gyms in your yes your local area. Mainly women and the odd gay man (can I say that ? ) dance to music get a sweat on then pick up a bar of dairy milk on the way home and say I deserve that. So its mainly exercise based around dances such as the cumbia, salsa and mambo. So I decided to give it ago on the xbox kinect. So first the good news. I did indeed get a sweat on doing Zumba and rewarded myself with said chocolate bar after the session. The bad news was I dont think I was doing anything that resembled Zumba. The moves were going that fast that I think I wouldve needed an ecstasy tablet just to keep up. In which case I would not of eat for the whole of the next day after dropping it and could have bypassed Zumba and instead just gone to Cream or the o-five-one for the night. But I learned some moves and then dived into a 20 min session of Zumba. I was still just as shite. So I retired from Zumba and then Mrs Fay came in from actual real Zumba. So she had a go and was just as shite. Had she really  just been to Zumba ? Or has she just met up with other like minded women from a forum to sit off and eat some dairy milk before spraying herself with some water from a water bottle that you used to spray tomato’s in your greenhouse ? Give me a 4 mile jog any day. Then again 6 cans of bud and some M&S crisps pisses on all of that.

Peace

Fay