Bank Holiday theme park visit with a difference.

So a bank holiday off and typical bank holiday rain. Only one thing to do and take the family for a day out. The venue this bank holiday was Clitheroe to see my dad and also go out for a nice meal at The Calf’s Head in Worston http://www.calfshead.com/ So only an hour in the car and with kids armed with ipod’s and ipads and with Mrs Fay given time off from the i-roning it was me who was driving listening to choons on my iphone. So we got to my dads and straight away the kids thought they had arrived in a theme park. My dad has had a newly fitted Stannah stairlift. Never have the kids wanted to go upstairs to the toilet on so many occasions. So after a quick visit to the kiosk to buy tokens so we could get on the ride it was Elizabeth who went on the Stannah ride first soon followed by Charlotte and we had created our own indoor theme park which was cheaper than Alton Towers and also dry. I couldnt resist and had to have a go myself. Not exactly the big one at Blackpool but it was quicker on the way down or was that gravity with my pie arse in the seat. One piece of advice for Stannah stairlift virgins if you need a wee give yourself good time to get up the stairs on the ride so you dont get caught short. Heres a pic of the kids on the way down. I did think it was a bit naughty for my dad to usher us through to were you could see the high speed shot of you on the ride and then sell us a picture for a fiver. He then got the key rings out and thats when I said your taking the piss now dad.

So onto the Calfs head and a lovely burger (plain) of course with chips and with the weather picking up we went outside in the lovely garden of the pub for a bit where there are a few wild ducks (quite big) one decided to have a snap at my youngest Charlotte who is 3 years 9 months (the months are massive to you at that age) Charlotte reacted as if she had been attacked by apterodactyl and started roaring away. The duck was not phased and waddled away realising there was no bread on the go. So we got back into Clitheroe and had a quick visit to Clitheroe Castle via Sainsburys where my girls nabbed me for some more Sylvanian Families this time the mouse family. I thought I was safe from toy buying as I knew the toy shop would be shut on a bank holiday in Clitheroe and was caught off guard as was my wallet. It was then back to my dads and his theme park had expanded. We had a few tokens left to go on rides that we had bought from him earlier on and out came the new mobility scooter. In a flash Elizabeth was up the road hitting speeds in excess of 5mph. She was good at driving it and even parked it into my dads shed and here was me thinking that women couldnt park. Mind you it was no reverse parking and with Elizabeth being only 6 years 9 months she isnt quite into the habit of checking her hair in the mirror and putting lipstick on thus neglecting the fact she is actually in charge of a moving vehicle. So yes I had to do it. It was my turn to go on the mobility scooter and away up the hill I went. Mrs Fay took a snapshot and it was then the vision appeared. It was like I had been in a Tardis and moved forward 30 years. It was 2041. Liverpool still hadnt won the league. I was still trying to be trendy by wearing Adidas tracksuit tops and here I was age 67 and 8 months now a proud owner of a mobility scooter. I could whizz around to Marks and Spencers simply food. Stock up on my munchies and wine and wizz back home. I could then pop down the chippy at 11 (Can you get done for drink driving on a mobility scooter on the pavement ? )  all on one battery cycle. My dad has bought the scooter second hand so the day will come when I inherit the title of King Fay and also the scooter. So here is the picture and its scary seeing a vision of the future.

So thats it for now. Will get my lazy arse to writing Fuengirola part II and spare a thought for my 95 year old nan who has been in and out of hospital over the last few weeks who lives at home with no stairlift or mobility scooter. Them ald ones are tough as old boots. Heres to the next visit to Clitheroe and hoping my dad has expanded to hook a duck and selling candy floss.

Peace

Fay x x

A cultural review of Fuengirola part I.

So I have been away (again says Mrs Fay) and this time for a friends 40th birthday bash and a few days in Fuengirola. So here is my cultural review of Fuengirola. Another early start on Thursday and picked up in a cab at 3:50am and after going through the airport security etc the first bottle of ale was cracked open at about 4.50am. Before we knew it I was on the flight and had managed to arm myself with a sausage roll to have for breakfast on the plane. A few cans of Magners later and we were out the airport and awaiting our arranged transfer to the apartment. It didn’t come. No problem we jumped a cab and were soon at the reception at the Myramar Castle Beach Hotel (We never did find out what Myramar was) Ian went to book us in and there was a somewhat puzzled look on the receptionists face. The other three of us looked at each other and instantly knew the room had gone the same way as the transfer. The joys of booking with Alpha Rooms. To be fair the receptionist said she would sort it (With a look of we get this shite from Alpha Rooms all the time) So she told us to have a drink and it would be boxed off. So we sat outside in the cloud (No decent sun until Saturday) Halfway through the second bottle and 6th drink of the day we were in our rooms for one and  a quick spruce up and into the main centre of Fuengirola we headed. Fuengirola is looking a bit tired being one of the first main destinations for the British invasion of Spain in the 60’s. But it was your typical beer, chips and sky sports on every corner. We sampled a few of the bars and headed back to the room about 8pm and already having been on the ale for 15 hours decided to call it a day then. Ian and “Billy” Joel went back out and fell in at 3am in a fit of giggles for an hour which I found out in the morning was due to holding a chicken burger olympics which ended up with a chicken burger in a tree !

So Friday came and after me and the other Neil had nailed around 12 hours sleep it was the big day when the crate challenge was to be attempted. That is to nail 24 x 330ml bottles in one session (Previous recorded best 18) So we headed into Fuengirola with the plan of getting the train to Torremolinos and walking to Benalmadena and then a cab back into Fuengirola where the record would be broke. So we got to the station and went through the barrier when we noticed it was 20 mins until the next train. Oh yes there was a boozer just before you headed down to the platform and the cheapest round of the day was had ( 7 euros for 4 beers) Soon we were in the main square in Torremolinos and we worked our way down to the coast for the walk back to Benalmadena. Having been to both Torremolinos and Benalmadena with the family over the last few years it seemed strange not to be there with the family but I soon put this to the back of my mind and had to focus on the record attempt. Along the way we decided to take a photo and one of us Joel would hide in the background and hey presto “Where’s Joel” was born. A few more beers later and we were going to be millionaires from “Where’s Joel” with our “Where’s Joel” application for the iphone and other such merchandise. We were even planning “Where’s Joel U.S.A” (another excuse to go on the piss for 4 days) So can you spot Joel below (He has his trademark sunglasses on )

So the sun was setting and the record attempt was going well. A quick refuel at Burger King and before we knew it we were on number 14 and heading back to Fuengirola. Here the 3am antics from the night before seen Joel fall before fence 15 and he headed off home to dream of his “Where’s Joel” millions. So with three left I was determined to nail this record.  Four more beers and the record was tied so we thought it only apt that the record be broke from where we started so headed to O’Briens for number 19 and we had done it. We celebrated with a pint of rum and coke. This was enough to tip Neil over the edge and number 20 deffo did. After an argument with a door and several shutters bounced off I hailed a cab on my own, then Ian produced Neil into the back of the cab despite his insistence on going for a dance (even though standing was becoming a problem) we headed home. We had done it 20 x 330ml bottles and a pint of rum and coke. Below is the list of boozers and the last swig of number 19. The crate challenge (24) was for another day. With Neil safely in bed it was time for some Jamon Ruffles crisps on the balcony with Ian and the customary Twix.

  1. O’Briens (Fuen)
  2. Fuengirola station (Fuen)
  3. Sam’s (Torri)
  4. Balcony Bar (Torri)
  5. Beach bar i (Torri)
  6. Beach bar ii (Torri)
  7. beach bar iii (Torri)
  8. beach bar iv (Torri)
  9. La Tasca (Torri)
  10. Beach bar v (Torri)
  11. Larry’s (Bena)
  12. Maracas (Bena)
  13. Mombasa (Bena)
  14. Heleida (bena)
  15. London Bar (Fuen)
  16. Linekars (Fuen)
  17. The Britannia Pub (Fuen)
  18. Finnegans (Fuen)
  19. O’Briens (Fuen) and a pint of rum and coke
  20. Mode (Fuen)
So two days down and two to blog about, part two soon.
Peace
Fay x x

Inside the human body BBC1 review.

So its time for my first TV review, move over Boyd Hilton, Charlie Catchpole and Mike Ward. So the programme in question was on BBC1 on Thursday night called “Inside The Human Body” I only stumbled across this by accident on the BBC i-player for the ipad on Saturday and turned it off after a few minutes as I thought Mrs Fay would love this and I wasnt wrong. ( Link here for I-player ) In episode one Michael Mosley shows the sequence of biological events that lead to human birth. The 4-part series brought together the latest scientific research and the most innovative computer technology to create never-before-seen worlds for this BBC One landmark series. So before I start in Faymondo blog style and try to raise a few laughs at the shows expense can I say now it is well worth watching.

So the show is the story of how life is created. It doesn’t show the bit where you get drunk in a club and pull a bird to nail in a cheap Liverpool hotel ( Campanile so i’ve heard) Next comes the biology lesson. First up 250 million sperms are released in each ejaculation. Which at a quick estimation means that I have wasted billions and now with the birth of the internet zillions of sperms. Just two of them have scored a goal, which is about the same ratio as my amateur footballing record shows. Next up is all about eggs and to be honest with the amount of my kids easter eggs I have robbed and scoffed over the last few weeks I am all egged out. But as you may or may not know when the egg splits to form identical twins on rare occasions it doesn’t and you have conjoined twins. So the conjoined twins here were Ronnie and Donnie Galyon were born at St. Elizabeth Hospital in Dayton, Ohio, on October 28, 1951, to Wesley and Eileen Galyon. They were born as conjoined twins even though Eileen was not expecting twins at the time. They are joined from the sternum to the groin and share a set of organs, so they cannot be separated. According to the 2009 Guinness Book of World Records, the Galyons are the oldest living set of conjoined twins in the world. The programme went into the scientific bit regarding the formation of the twins. Looking at them they had one body and four legs and four arms and of course two heads. The intellectual in me wanted to discover how many penises and anuses they had. The programme didn’t let me down. They shared a penis and anus. The sick minded individual in me wanted to know when they had a shit did they take turns to wipe ? Second on my mind (OK it was first) when they get the urge to release 250 million sperms (I was gonna say crack one off but I keep high standards in this blog) who done it. Did they both orgasm together ? Was this so taboo that they have never done it ? Anyway enough smut. I then did come up with more scientific questions (no honest) If one had a brain hemorrhage is the other one fucked (OK again not a medical term but we know what we are on about) and on a similar note if one had a heart attack was the other OK ? What about man flu ? Again just one or both, so many questions to ask.

So with the power of the internet I done more research (google) on the Gaylon Twins. Born in Dayton, Ohio on October 28, 1951, the brothers, joined from the sternum to the groin, were delivered vaginally (A surprise indeed for the mother as the programme tells you)  According to Ward Hall, the twins’ mother rejected them when they were born, leaving them to be raised by their father, Wesley, and later stepmother Mary. For the first two years of their lives, the twins were in and out of hospitals while doctors attempted to determine whether or not the twins could be separated. Because they share a single set of male organs, doctors decided that it was best not to separate them. They learned to walk at the age of 29 months. Though Mr. Galyon initially vowed his sons would never be put on exhibition, he found himself with medical bills that he could not pay otherwise. The twins were exhibited in an air-conditioned trailer for most of their show careers, where they lounged about watching television while spectators peered in the window at them. After the politically correct backlash of the 1970s made life difficult for human freaks in the United States, Ronnie and Donnie toured Latin America, appearing with Circo Union in Mexico. In the 1980s they were managed by Ward Hall and Chris Christ and appeared with a number of other Hall & Christ freaks in Being Different in 1981.The Galyon twins cast two votes and have two Social Security numbers, but only one passport. You just cant start to imagine the life these twins have had and its tragic that they had to make money starring in freak shows. Sorry to take the piss lads I would honestly like to share a beer or two as it would be in your case and ask you a thousand questions you have most probably heard all before zzzzzzzz

So other parts of the show contained the birth of naturally conceived triplets ( A miracle in itself once you have seen the programme) and also the birth of a child in Africa. The woman involved would have to walk two miles to the hospital to give birth. A mate of mine recently drove his missus 800 metres to the hozzi, thats not a piss take just showing how a comfortable life we live as well as avoiding throwing a 30 year friendship down the drain. I was going to tell you ******* ****’s name but there is a super injunction out.  The woman having triplets was struggling after being told she must eat for three. Something I have been trying over the last few weeks with all the bank holidays. The last bit that sticks out was the amazing science that causes a cleft pallet and the charity work that goes on in India sorting this out, something that is taken for granted in our country.

So thats my first TV review over. Late saturday night now (will post sunday) Mrs Fay in bed and i’ve got 250 million sperms and im on the computer.

Peace

Fay x x

One wedding, and a funeral and a hat-trick of Cnuts.

So another bumper bank holiday weekend and only one place to start and that’s the royal wedding on Friday of Wills and Kate. So with the bunting up in the back garden and red white and blue streamers blowing in a brisk breeze our wedding BBQ was ready once the couple tied the knot. So the muppets who camped out overnight got to have a meeting with Prince William as he went out to meet the people. Now I think you need your head testing if you camp out overnight for the wedding (Apologies to my cousin Jenny who camped out) You annoy me even more if you camp out in some kind of fancy dress. But really pissing me off and having me shout out at the news is coming as a daffodil. What on earth are you thinking. Has this daffodil sneaked out of the local loony bin ? So it was with great shock when watching Will’s showing he was in touch with the people (as told to do by his advisors) that there she was, the cunt (apologies again for the strong language but I can think of no other word to describe this female daffodil and warning more cunts to come later on) Yes the daffodil had managed to meet and chat with Prince William. Worse still her partner was also a daffodil (He is shaking Williams hand in the picture) Can daffodils have partners? What was William thinking as he met this pair (not a bunch as thankfully there was only two flowers on show) Did William go to bed that night thinking a small percentage of the country he will rule one day like to camp out in London on a friday night dressed as daffodils ? So with the wedding done and dusted it was time to come out onto the balcony at Buckingham Palace. The event that the people who had camped out at the end of the mall in front of Buckingham Palace, waiting patiently behind the barriers on the pavement had been waiting for. Just one problem for the likes of our daffodils and their friends the police were letting thousands of people up the Mall itself and getting A1 position in front of the palace. So much for camping out overnight then. The police had obviously been putting their recent student kettling skills to good practice and its all went smoothly and not one innocent paper seller was killed. The wedding was bringing back memories of my special day a few years back that being May 25th 2005 in Istanbul. I also noted that the Queens dress was made by a scouser (Insert you own thieving joke here) So with the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge I declared myself the Duke of Speke/Garston and soon the couple kissed on the balcony as we had the planes flying over. The Queen could now get back inside in time to catch Countdown. The Royal party would go on into the night as would our BBQ and at least I wouldn’t be waking up the morning after the wedding thinking what did I do over the weekend that was really bad, oh shit I was dressed as a daffodil and met the future king of England.

So with the joy of the wedding come the next bank holiday it was a funeral the world was talking about and the worlds most wanted man Osama Bin Laden was dead and had already been buried at Sea. Who would now take his place on the most wanted list, surely daffodil couple from above should now be the world most wanted for crimes against humanity. So perhaps now after our royal wedding BBQ we could have a Bin Laden death BBQ. We could pretend to be American and dance around like cunts (I did warn you) all shouting “USA USA” One of my fave things I seen on Twitter was “I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.***** (See edit at bottom of blog) ***** Next up were American bumper stickers on sale “God bless America” The woman on TV selling the stickers (For charity may I add) “last night was a lot of fun” referring to Bin Ladens death and the little party taking place on the streets of New York. I’m sure Al Qaeda had a lot of fun on the night of 9/11 !!! So he was finally smoked out in his house in Pakistan. Reports said that this house was worth $1,000,000 dollars. If Bin Ladens hideout in Pakistan was worth a million dollars then you don’t get much for your cash on the Pakistani property ladder. Pictures were released of Obama and his crew in the White house watching things unfold live and looking very nervous although I reckon they had switched to BBC2 and were watching the final of the world snooker championships. Our leader Mr Cameron wasnt left out the loop and the picture I caught on the TV shows him having a bad hair day and his head growing into one of the fella’s from the old Tefal adverts and there we score our hat-trick of cunts.

Peace

Fay x x

***** Edit****** Seems this quote was a pile of old shite made up, by accident http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2011/05/anatomy-of-a-fake-quotation/238257/ Is this true, Is Osama still alive then, did man land on the moon, am I really Faymondo. Do I dress up as a daffodil for sexual thrills ? Who knows the truth anymore.

P.S Thanks to my Aussie mate Kanga who passed on the fake quote details. Im assuming us winning The Ashes is still true ?