A cultural review of Newcastle and York

So time for another one of my blogs cultural reviews. In other words I have been outside Liverpool on the piss for a couple of days. This weekend break involved Newcastle on Friday night and then onto York on Saturday for the races and a few more pints down the hatch. First up was meeting at the rocket where the over 20 of us met to get the coach. Without wanting to start off on a negative it was quite clearly a bus and not a coach and a mini bus at that. The lack of toilet was to take its toll with numerous stops en route to Newcastle. The organiser was spot on for the rest of the trip with two cracking hotels and the coach , sorry I mean bus driver was on time and spot on. So well done to the best man for boxing the trip off and being in charge of the “Walter” (Walter Mitty = Kitty) for the two days. I even ended up with the VIP seats at the back of the bus with extra legroom so I shouldnt moan. So loaded with several cans of Budweiser on the bus and a nice stop at an M&S services for some luxury crisps we needed to have an extra stop for the driver. So we landed in The Lane End pub in Cumbria. The few locals who had ventured out must have got a shock as all 20 plus of us bailed into the pub. The younger element of the party (named the creche) were well on their way hitting the heights of Bacardi Breezers and a drink that could only be described as looking like seamen with a citrus taste, or “lemon cum” as it was christened. So we eventually landed in Newcastle around 9.45 and it was a quick change and off into Newcastle centre. The Hotel was right below the famous Tyne bridge and the predictable singing of “Fog on the tyne” was being sung at regular intervals. So after a quick bit of karaoke with the highlights being a belter version of ‘Chocolate Salty Balls” and Jenko’s fine rendition of “Thats Amore” It was then a group “You’ll Never Walk Alone” to which I just swayed along to (Ask me why I dont sing it if your curious) Next up was Flares and the twins who were on the trip where tearing it up on the multi coloured lighted dance floor with some cutting edge breakdancing. Me and the best man swayed home via a chippy and down the hill back to the quayside and night one was over and done with. Dont think we made it to the big market or if we did I was at memory loss stage ! I fell into the Premier Inn a bit worse for wear. Good hotel and location and Lennie Henry wasnt anywhere to be seen.

So Saturday morning and a quick dive downstairs for breakfast. I wasnt paying £8 for all you could eat when all I wanted was sausage on toast. So a slip a £4 to the father in law and sausage on toast and a drink of orange was all mine. Back on board the coach with just a slight headache and it was down to York with a lot less piss stops than on the way up to Newcastle. We arrived at the hotel Ibis in York around 12ish and once again another nice hotel and I claimed the double bed for the second night on the run and it was straight to the bar to start all over again. It was a 25 min walk to the races where I ended up about £30 down but a few of the lads had some nice touches and the rain held off and thr sun even came out towards the end. We just lumped ourselves in the small terrace type stand we nicknamed “The Kop” but we were to save our singing for later on and what singing it was ! The first post race drink was in the Trafalgar Bay where our first attempt of singing was quickly told off as we were in a residential area. So what other caveman things can we do instead of sing ? So arm wrestling it was. I do have the full near 7 minute version on my phone but the reigning champion Dave was beaten by Jenko. Although the stweards have since declared that as we were in the UK it was only his British title that was up for grabs and Dave looks forward to defending his European championship in February 2012. Next up was the highlight of the whole weekend and once again we were singing and once again we were being told by the bar manager to stop being so noisy. So we all reigned it in and sang in a hushed noise acapella style if sounding like a very quiet drunken barbershop quartet ( or 23 as our numbers were at by then) Joined in by a local with a rendition of “Two Little Boys” it was onto the big finish and that meant “I am the music man” But we had decided to do a remix version and started off with the classic “I play the piano” which lead to the best man swiveling 90 degrees to play such an authentic Liberace style piano piece on the bar table. So we stopped at piano and stooped a bit lower and then made our own chants (with actions generally taking the piss out of one of the lads who was on the trip) which involved “Hair Lip” “Cleft tongue” “Eddies Muzzy” “John Chins” “Freddies Nose” ‘Benno’s Belly’ “John Terry’s Ma” “Fiery Head” “Rainbow Felching” (dont ask ! ) and “Crusty Minge”  all made much better as we refused to raise our voice and sang at just above a whisper.

So onto the more busier spots in York centre and a place called “The Mansion” which like a house with several different rooms and a nightclub downstairs, which was the scene of an “Ooops up side your head” and more breakdancing or in the case of Tony what could only be described as a roll across the floor but the disco lights made this basic roll look better than it was. We finally decifered it wasnt a gay bar as eventually a few ladies came in. The one that stood out was Terry who had her name tattooed on her back like a football kit name. That will look fooking ace when shes 60, classy eh ! Last memory was “The reflex” bar and onto another chippy on the way back to the hotel which was described as having the best fish ever by a few of the lads. Just one more picture to post from “The Reflex” and the ****** *********** and stag enjoying a defaced  “Cock night every day” poster

**** A super injunction had stopped me from showing the left side if this picture. I am at the courts in the morning fighting for my free speech ******


So no doubt I have missed big chunks out of the blog (do post any in the comments section)  The celeb doubles on the coach “John Terry” and “Jesus” I have vague memories of Eddie once blu-tacking his hair on his head and the final note that there was one Fay on the trip who revealed his fetish for robbing breakfasts and it wasnt Neil George Fay. Another ace trip and Glastonbury on the radar soon followed by rehab until February 2012 when it will be just about time for another cultral review of somewhere else.


Fay x x


7 thoughts on “A cultural review of Newcastle and York

  1. Quality as always but let’s not forget 20 lads havin a piss on the hard shoulder, a bell bottle being robbed from the pub and of course the police not being able to catch two lads jogging away from them after the races!

  2. Father in law remembering little ditties only when worse for wear, but for once returning fully hooved. other lookalikes jedward, the fiery head american tourist with the short shorts, hoody and cap, ‘Its all about Ian’. once again a boss trip with good company, walter was a pain but one of the jobs and the winnin eased the pain. I can confirm the stag is quality in the bedroom after once again seeing him at close quarters. Why no YNWA??? and finall where’s Joe

  3. Excellent blog Fay, Remember Dave also got beat in the arm wrestling by a young mum. Also, Jesus rose on the Sunday..plus the song about Eddie..and his packet of sweets

  4. Jenko I have the full 6 mins 44 seconds of that in high definition on my phone. Have to pay extra for the young mum footage ;0)

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