Worst scouse thief ever !!

So friday morning was as normal as ever. Up just after 6 then the commute listening to a podcast heading to Ashton-Under-Lyne. So I arrived at 7.15 and got out the car. No lights were on in the main entrance  but this is quite a green office as when I go for a piss quite often the toilet light has been switched off by a wanna be “swampy” forgetting how many monitors and other computer gear is on in the whole office but I digress. So I thought if I put the code in the door and it opens the office must be open but the corridor light off as if the office wasn’t open it would have a mortice lock on or something.  So I input the code and then the door clicked to show its open. In I waltzed and then after three steps I heard the “beep beep beep” Fuck me the alarm had been tripped and I had about 45 seconds to turn it off. So its my 4th week in the office (time flies) and I had one small problem and that was where was the light switch ? Quick brain wave was I could use my iPhone torch, sorted. Problem number two where was the alarm box and added to this I didnt know the code. It was time to bail out. Because I was only doing a few hours on Friday morning I had dispensed with the usual shirt and tie combo for the traditional jeans and Adidas trackie top and trabs. Here I was a scouser in a dark office in greater Manchester not really knowing the place. Apart from wearing a shellsuit and having a muzzy, which I would have the next week for “movember” (more of which soon) I couldn’t of fitted the stereotype any more. So having made it back the car the alarm kicked in and loud it was. Should I drive to the local cafe around the corner and grab some breakfast and come back acting all innocent ? By now the nice flats situated by the canal would have just been woken up a bit and maybe the would see me beating a hasty retreat to the cafe and grab my reg for the bizzies to put out an all points bulletin ? Even worse a photo-fit showing an overweight middle age man balding in Adidas clobber being posted in the Manchester Evening News and on Crimewatch ! Also what if a member of staff came afterwards they could think the place was really being had off and shit themselves. So I sat tight and prepared for any consequences. After about five mins another member of staff came in their car and I jumped out and explained what had gone on. She put the light on and code into the alarm and after unlocking numerous doors we were into the office. I got to my desk and the phone went. Trying to make up for my first error of the day I grabbed it and it was an automatic alarm call from ADT. It asked me to press 1 to say everything was OK. So I duly pressed one. What if I had been an actual thief. Is all you have to do is press one ? Or was it a cunning trick so having avoided the local Ashton-Under-Lyne constabulary turning up on mass after switching the alarm off I had fell for the booby trap and they would soon be all over the office as I had first feared. Well they didn’t turn up and pressing one was good enough. Next time the light is off I will wait for somebody to come first and even if a “swampy” climate change bastard has banged the lights off I will just lose a few mins of time instead of fearing arrest at 7:15 am in a strange office out of town !!

Remember dickheads setting off office alarms early in the morning are very rare. Please don’t have nightmares.


Fay x x x


My nuclear war childhood.

So another rare gap in my hectic schedule and time to sneak in a blog. A hectic schedule that involved beers in town for the match last Saturday. I wont send you asleep with the details but it involved the usual eight pubs followed by the Lobster pot. I enjoyed a nice meal (well burger and chips) in Moranto’s last night for the mother in-laws 63rd birthday (She will kill me for posting that) happy birthday and I wont tell anybody I knocked a year off. Tonight has been spent with my financial adviser trying to box off £30,000 to do my nans house up. But less of me and whats been going on in the big wide world ?

It was reported on the BBC website that the last of America’s most powerful Cold War-era nuclear bombs – the B53 – has been dismantled in Texas. Experts have separated around 300lb (136kg) of high explosives from the bomb’s uranium “pit”. Weighing 10,000lb, the B53 was the size of a minivan and said to be 600 times more destructive than the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan, in 1945. It was first put into service at the height of the Cold War in 1962, and remained in the US arsenal until 1997. Now as a child of the 80’s I grew up with the fear that I might not make it into the 90’s and reach my 18th birthday as the big bad Russians were gonna blow me up to bits. The end of my life would be signalled by a three-minute warning. There were numerous documentaries on TV about the nuclear holocaust and also a few films and plays. One TV drama that sticks in my mind was on BBC called “Threads.”

Threads was a British television drama produced by the BBC in 1984. Written by Barry Hines and directed by Mick Jackson, it is a documentary-style account of a nuclear war and its effects on the city of Sheffield in northern England. Filmed in late 1983 and early 1984, the primary plot centres on two families, the Kemps and the Becketts, as an international crisis between the United States and the Soviet Union erupts and escalates. As the United Kingdom prepares for war, the members of each family deal with their own personal crises. Meanwhile, a secondary plot centered upon Clive J. Sutton, the Chief Executive of Sheffield City Council serves to illustrate for the viewer the United Kingdom government’s then-current continuity of government arrangements. As open warfare between NATO and the USSR-led Warsaw Pact begins, the harrowing details of the characters’ struggle to survive the attacks is dramatically depicted. The balance of the film details the fate of each family as the characters face the medical, economic, social, and environmental consequences of a nuclear war. Both the plot and the atmosphere of the film are extremely bleak.

Bleak is an understatement. Not your ideal nights viewing and I recall me and Mrs Fay watching this on Valentines night many years ago. What better way to woo your potential wife than to settle down to watch a horrific drama about your country being nuked by the Russians. A couple of scenes that stick out is somebody pissing themselves in the main shopping area in Sheffield when the three-minute warning went off and later on in the film people being sick through radiation poisoning and resorting to eating rats for food. The nerd in me still finds this interesting viewing and brings back memories of my nuclear war childhood. Give me Al Qaeda any day of the week to the terror of the world being wiped out in a few mins as the yanks and russians nuke each other and end the world as we know it. So are we safer nuclear wise today ? According to figures released by the US state department in May 2011, the US has 5,113 nuclear warheads in its current stockpile, down from 31,255 in 1967. Looks like not but the likelihood of these bombs getting launched is deffo lower than back in the day. Well for now !! Strange to think such an old, bland looking bomb could cause so much damage but nice to see it retired.

The iconic video of the time was of course “Two Tribes” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I remember having this on 12 and 7 inch single. On the back of the cover was a list of bombs that both the Russians and Americans had. I was going to post this but it would be too much of an upbeat ending to the blog so instead I present “Protect and survive” Protect and Survive was a public information series on civil defence produced by the British government during the late 1970s and early 1980s. It was intended to inform British citizens on how to protect themselves during a nuclear attack, and consisted of a mixture of pamphlets, radio broadcasts, and public information films. The series had originally been intended for distribution only in the event of dire national emergency, but provoked such intense public interest that the pamphlets were authorised for general release.

Peace (and no nuclear war)

Fay x x x

A little drop of Pink Martini

Long time no blog eh. Now starting week three into my new contract working in Ashton-Under-Lyne and the joys each morning and evening of the M62 and M60 commute. Caught some pretty bad traffic in the first two weeks and the joy of rolling out of bed at 6.10 am into my trackie bottoms and logging on in my conservatory with Frosties at 8am then toast at 9am , cheeky pack of crisps at 10am……….you get the picture. Well the joy is no more being replaced by an 6:10 alarm call into my shirt and pants and having to shave more and a start in work for 7:30am. No munchies in the day and a light lunch hopefully dropping the pounds I have put on working from home. Cant moan though as it’s a wage and in these troubled times I should be thankful for that.

Well Saturday night and me and me new taxi driver, sorry I mean Mrs Fay (She’s pregnant for those who don’t know) went out to see Pink Martini perform at the Liverpool Philharmonic. After a quick pre concert meal at Damons we got to the Phil for 7.30 as the band start not long after that. Last time we went to see them at the Phil we strolled in at half time during a Liverpool champions league game (those were the days eh) and the show had no support and we had missed the first few songs. Pink Martini for those who don’t know have twelve musicians (and sometimes travels with string sections), and performs its multilingual repertoire on concert stages and with symphony orchestras throughout Europe, Asia, the Middle East, Northern Africa, Australia and New Zealand and North America. Main pianist is Thomas Lauderdale who is just brilliant and vocalist China Forbes who could not our this time and was replaced by Storm Large who did not disappoint (and neither did her two dresses) With a mixture of jazz, Latin, lounge music and classical in numerous languages from Mandarin, Japanese, French, Spanish, Croatian and English you might now be able to tell this was my choice of concert and not Mrs Fay’s.  So walking into the Philharmonic I was met with ladies in posh frocks and men in ties and even a dickie bow. Not everyone was dressed up for the occasion but as the only concert in the region people had travelled in to see Pink Martini. I however had got the Merseyrail train and was armed with my red Adidas tracksuit top, jeans and my turquoise Adidas trabs. Me and the wife were indeed on the young side for the audience and indication of my mature eclectically mature musical tastes if not still dressing like I am down with the yoof of today.  It was an excellent concert with each member of the band getting a chance to showcase their skills from the first song a version of “Bolero” (made famous by Torvil and Dean) to a Beatles cover “A Day In The Life”  and one of the last songs that included the audience doing a giant conga which even went on stage (For the record I did not conga I was too busy taking a picture, see below) Last time the band were told off as people were dancing in the aisle’s. The Philharmonic don’t have a dance licence was the line trotted out by the management so they must have been having kittens as the conga weaved around the isles and stage of the Phil. With an interval included, I love intervals at gigs/concerts if for the main reason I can sneak an extra bevvy or two in it also brings a mini high before the break to be followed up at the end by the traditional finish and encore.  The band genuinely seemed to enjoy the gig and me and Mrs Fay certainly did. So with an early finish for a gig of about 9:50 we jumped the train home and gave town a swerve and had a last drink in The Kingsman pub and then I came home to watch the Anthony Bellew fight I had recorded and had managed to stay away from the result by not going on Twitter or Facebook all evening. I leave you with a picture of the conga and a clip of Pink Martini and look forward to their return to Liverpool.


Fay x x x

A Fay family announcement for those who dont know version II

I am proud to announce to those close friends and family who don’t know that the Fay family is going to have another addition. I have been looking forward to this for a few months and its been hard sitting on the secret but I wanted to make sure things went as planned. See previous fay Family announcement version 1 here worth reading the first bit before we carry on here.

So did you ?

So with the new iphone 4S being announced last night it comes as no surprise that I indeed might be getting one even though the actual upgrade on it isn’t that good but I am a slag to Apple and no doubt will be on the look out for one next week when it’s released.

Thats not the Fay family announcement though. I can officially reveal here on this here web site that Mrs Fay and I (I put her first for obvious reasons) are expecting our third child (No its not April fools day) Having been for the scan today I thought that a bit like the royal family who post official announcements on the gates of Buckingham palace that I would post on my dodgy the blog the news from the Fay household. Also I have no gates ane even if I did the kids of Speke Garston would soon have the announcement off or cover it in phlegm or something. So with a due date of April 16th, ickle Fay III will almost deffo be born by caesarean a week early so the bookies fave is the 7th of April at the moment. I want “Neil” if it’s a boy ( Neil Fay II ) with the roman numerals to be used. If it’s a girl I propose Eileen after my late nan who sadly never knew.

It was a nice moment telling our girls that they would have a new brother or sister soon and the vote has gone out for a girl from them although Elizabeth still wants a pet dog !! I’m happy with a third girl as boys are just mad, heavy and want to fight. I am so used to dolls and princesses now and not wrestling and games that generally involve me being beat up. So that’s that some joy in the Fay household for once. How fast will April come around now !! Oh well here is ickle Fay and this time it was £3 bloody quid a scan picture which must cost about 2p in paper to print out. No doubt all in the coffers of this government who were today telling me to pay my credit card off. I would If I wasnt coughing up for scan pics that were free. On the plus side the barrier in the car park at the womens was being fixed so I got freebie parking but I am still down on the day. Mouths to feed you know and another one on the way.


Fay x x

Dodgy back hair, 18th Birthday and Aigburth Zoo

So it was my cousin in law’s (is there such a title) 18th birthday over the weekend and many congratulations to her. The usual pictures were posted on Facebook almost as it happened. Back when I was 18 you had you wait four days for the pictures to be developed and of the 24 you took you were lucky to get 10 decent ones and about four would be just pitch black and one would contain a random knob picture. It would be one of the lads but not knowing what their knobs looked like I could not dish out any blame and the picture would be ripped up. I should have kept all those pictures and I could have created a hall of shame 18 years later and played guess the knob on Facebook. When I was 18 is now bang on half my life ago. Jesus where did that go? The next 18 I am going to reach is gonna be stone the way I booze and eat !! To save my sanity I wont go on about it anymore.

One of the joys of getting old is that as a man hairs grow on places you never knew they could. Now I have a bit of a hairy back which I like to trim down as to not look like an extra from Planet of the apes. I came across this story and it made me think. Bruins fan (Boston Bruins Ice Hockey team for info) Anthony Sorrentino wears his Bruins pride on his … back. The 33-year-old diehard Bruins fan from Lynn, Mass., shaved the B’s logo in his back hair, as seen below. All this Black and Gold fanatic wants is some opening night tickets. “I begged my wife for two hours To do it for me,” he explained. “I told her I was going to try to win opening night tickets to see the banner get raised because we didn’t have the option or money to buy them.  She was totally against it but she knows my passion for the Bruins and how much that it meant to me.” Now this got me thinking. Is it time for me to instead of Mrs Fay getting the old Immac (I refuse to call it Veet just like an Opral Fruit is still an Opral fruit etc and they were made to make your mouth water) to put a Liver bird artwork shave into my back hair. When I go swimming at David Lloyd I could proudly walk into the steam room with my new home made Liverpool kits engraved from the missing link style hair on my Cadbury’s snack. Yep I didn’t think so either. Oh well just a thought. Here is the muppet below.

Last bit of the blog is going back to something I have touched on before and that’s Aigburth Zoo. This is lifted from “Streets of Liverpool” which is well worth a look HERE For those of you who didn’t know there was a Zoo just up from Sudley School at the top of where Kelton estate is today. Liverpool Zoological Park in Elmswood road opened in 1932 and closing in 1938. It had a varied but small collection of animals and birds – the star attraction being a chimpanzee named Mickey which escaped in 1938 and attacked (not seriously) a number of keepers and visitors before being shot at a nearby house. The zoo followed Mickey into oblivion shortly afterwards and the land was sold off for housing. I remember feeding horses at the bottom iron fence of Kelton which is still there with my grandad when I was a kid when it was just fields. I love local history and thought I would share that with you along with this map of the zoo (click photo to enlarge)

Oh well new contract and workplace tomorrow, wish me luck.


Fay x x x

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