Its a FA Cup derby and more sausage roll news.

So with just over a week until ickle Fay III it looks all systems go for a Caesarian on the 5th April. Im looking forward to having time off from work as well as seeing the impending little bundle of joy. Worked out I have had 2 weeks off over the last 18 months. One was a chrimbo which I hate and the other in August involved finding my nan in her house and her death a few days later. So I am looking forward to a break, that’s if you can call a newborn a break but it will be nice just to be able to chill out (ish) for my paternity leave, which incidentally is unpaid. So due to this I need to save money and my campaign for the anti sausage roll tax which has started with the untax my sausage roll alliance (UMSRA) If you wish to join please email umsra@hotmail.co.uk. The PM himself has been saying how much he loves a pastie (to posh for a sausage roll I guess) and not to miss out Labour leader Ed Miliband, shadow chancellor Ed Balls and shadow Treasury minister Rachel Reeves were visiting a Greggs shop in Redditch, Worcestershire today. I need to email Ed to see if he is interested in UMSRA. Indeed Mr Balls, who is training for next month’s Virgin London Marathon, said sausage rolls were part of his regime. Such is the battle going on if the food is served at the ambient temperature then VAT will be payable. So in other words when its hot outside in the summer the sausage roll will be colder than the ambient temperature thus lower VAT is payable. However in winter when the served sausage roll is warmer than the ambient temperature then VAT is payable at the higher rate. Nice to see this is top of the political agenda and I hope it will be raised on this weeks Question Time. So will I be able to afford to give ickle Fay III a sausage roll ? Only time will tell.

One way to save money would to be bulk buying sausage rolls before the increase. Speaking of bulk buying the world has gone fuel mad with queues forming at petrol stations and some running out. Am I missing something but I can’t even find the date of the strike yet so how do you know when to stock up ? I wont be very impressed either if the army get involved and start to deliver fuel. Thatcher used the police outside their remits against the miners and bringing the army into do the job of the tanker drivers is dodgy ground indeed.  I might accept it if they pull every poor soul from Afghanistan etc to do the job of the tanker drivers.

So the big F.A.Cup semi final derby is on. I’m already getting pissed off with both sets of fans who in some sections are celebrating getting to Wembley. Makes my blood boil that. By all means be happy at making the semi (Not quite as much as the Everton players last night) but I prefer the good old days of semi finals et Villa Park etc. Wembley should be the special day out for the fans for the final. Bit of a small club mentality for fans celebrating getting there just for a semi. I had my first derby bet last night which involves a bottle of vodka and me posing in an Everton kit on Facebook if Liverpool lose. If that day comes I will share my pain on here. There will be lots of banter from blues and reds but I hope its a great day out for both and coming a day before the anniversary of Hillsborough wouldn’t it be great if the city united for the day and of course Liverpool winning 4-0. Kopites are gobshites I hear you say. Well I can’t argue with that m’lord.

Peace

Fay x x x

Osborne’s attack on Sausage Rolls.

As regular readers of this shite, sorry I mean blog will know I am known to partake in the consumption of the odd sausage roll or two. Indeed such are my fussy eating habits that at any party’s organised its generally a given that the sausage roll plate is mine and prior permission is needed to put any on their plates. So yesterday morning I jokingly tweeted “Hoping for a VAT reduction on sausage rolls #budget2012” Little did I know the horror that was to be announced.  Now all you moaning pensioners can stick your tax allowance freeze up yer bums (Massive state retirement pension rise coming, winter fuel allowance, free bus pass, etc etc) and so what if the millionaires get a tax cut we all knew what the Tories stood for anyway. The words “We are all in this together” came to an abrupt halt yesterday as the chancellor Gideon Oliver Osborne, ooops sorry George wouldn’t want to come across as a rich tory boy who couldn’t give a toss about Joe average would we. Well the chancellor revealed this stunning announcement.  Hot food bought from bakeries and supermarkets is to become more costly thanks to George Osborne’s Budget, it emerged today. The Chancellor has decided that VAT at 20 per cent should be added to all hot takeaway food, not just products sold by fast food chains. This means that at the Greggs bakery chain 18p will be added to the price of a 90p hot sausage roll and 30p to a £1.49 pasty. Jesus Christ here was me asking for a joking reduction in VAT and he has only gone and hit me where it hurts. Thankfully I dont smoke (37p a pack ouch) but such was the shock at the news yesterday I nearly had to buy a pack of 10 Woodbines (before the 6pm increase I am a mingebag) just to calm me down. Is nothing sacred to this government. Where were the Lib Dems fighting against this draconian rise on sausage rolls ? To be fair I had given up on them the moment they jumped into bed with the Tories and if a local council candidate knocks on my door at the next election from the Lib Dems I will rest assured be bringing this sausage roll tax up with them.

On looking on the internet doing research on Sayers sausage rolls (my mates reckon its as good as porn for me !!! ) I came across this web page “What is a Sayers sausage roll” http://www.impworks.co.uk/2012/02/what-is-a-sayers-sausage-roll/ who would of thought such a web page existed (No its not me who created it) Right I am off to Garston Village to lobby Sayers and local bakery Wilsons (Belter sausage rolls there) to start anti sausage roll tax campaign. Yes you heard it here first the untax my sausage roll alliance (UMSRA) is formed and you can guarantee that I will never form a coalition with the Tories.

Peace

Fay x x x

Bosched by Tissot and bosched by Bosch

So my lovely Tissot watch hasn’t worked properly since I tried to re-set the time going to Tallinn last month. The digital display stopped working but the clock with arms was Ok just stuck on Estonian time. I was hoping that it was just a battery change needed but with it being a bit of a posh watch I would go to a recognised Tissot repair shop. Being the gadget man I am this is an all singing and dancing watch with it being able to read the temperature, barometric pressure, altitude , compass and funny enough it tells the time all be it only useful in Estonia at the moment. So with Mrs Fay going to town I asked her to pop into Goldsmiths in Liverpool one to see if it was the battery only that needed changing. So Mr Goldsmith said it might just be the battery but could also need fixing. To get a battery replaced it was £75 and for a full service it would be £155. Jesus Christ I thought it was only cars that got serviced (or men outside the Co-Op see last blog) The watch is coming up to being 6 years old as I bought it with money that was left to me when my mum died and rather than spending it all on booze, sausage rolls and M&S crisps I thought that I would get something nice to remember her by. So Mr Goldsmith had me by the bollocks here as I couldn’t refuse his offer to sort the watch out as it is sentimental to me. So begrudgingly I will be coughing up the money. Bosch over the head. Not only that but it will take six to eight weeks to service it. That is a lot of time and money to put a new battery in. I reckon Mr Goldsmith will pop out to a market trader buy a £2 battery and bang it in and keep it in the back for six weeks. I have been advised as its such a precision watch that’s why it takes so long hmmmmmmmm.  If I am ever left any money again I am gonna buy a cheap digital watch for five euro’s from the lucky lucky men on holiday and save myself a few bob. But anyway at least when the watch is back I will have a memory of my mum back and she will be looking down on me saying remember them 32 year I subsided you its payback time ha ha x x x.

So on Monday our new Bosch fridge freezer arrived. Not only arrived but with a missed call from John Lewis at 07:05 and then the bastards turned up at 07:15 am to deliver it. For crying out loud I have come in from nights out later than 07:15 am when I was in my prime the swearing for the day had begun. Later on it was time to take the old fridge out and put the new one in. Nice one man job well maybe not as my cursing started once again as I had to dismantle part of the kitchen units just to get the bloody plug out from the old fridge!! After a few more swear words it was time to bring the new fridge in the kitchen. I carefully manoeuvred it to the kitchen door bringing it in backwards when it got wedged. It was then I realised it wouldn’t fit and would have to go over the kitchen units and that was a two-man job. Just one problem the original man (me) was now stuck in the kitchen unable to move the new fridge out of the door bosched by the Bosch. Cue more swearing and my phone was also in the living room so I was trapped. All of a sudden the two Stella Cidre and bottle of rose in the old fridge had acquired a very short shelf life. But with a mighty effort of around 10 mins I managed to free myself from the kitchen and put things back as they were minus a few beads of sweat and a whole host of profanities. In the interest of health and safety it is only right I test the fridge capacity tonight by loading it with beers for the derby match. Good job Sky brought in the on-screen clock as I don’t have a watch at the moment eh.

Peace

Fay x x x

The Co-Operative good with food and sex acts outside !!

So after 13 days without a drink and coincidently 13 days with a bloody cold on the advice of Mrs Fay I have cracked open a beer. Been a busy week with Mrs Fay in hozzie for a few days with pregnancy related high blood pressure but she came home on Wednesday night just as the washing up and ironing was piling up. She is back in tomorrow for more blood pressure readings and hopefully the drugs she is on will be kicking in and she wont have to stay in and the planned caesarean date of April 5th is still on target. Although to be honest she is at 35 weeks now so if ickle Fay III comes a bit earlier neither of us will be that bothered. So my planned health kick off the ale has actually developed into nearly two weeks of feeling like shite. Maybe I am coming out in sympathy with Mrs Fay’s pregnancy. Last time I looked at my belly I would say I am at least 20 weeks gone. Maybe I am just an alcoholic in which case I might need to look at this way of solving my problem. One dose of the hallucinogenic drug LSD could help alcoholics give up drinking, according to an analysis of studies performed in the 1960s. A study, presented in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, looked at data from six trials and more than 500 patients. It said there was a “significant beneficial effect” on alcohol abuse, which lasted several months after the drug was taken. An expert said this was “as good as anything we’ve got”. Well im off to score some tabs from my local dealer and bang on an acid house mix from 1989. Acieeeeeeedddd

So with the blessing of the wife I popped down to the local co-op in Garston village to get a few beers, lets face facts they can’t make me feel any worse then I have the last fortnight. Got a bargain as well 8 Miller for a fiver. There used to be an old joke we said which went a man says to a lady “Will you come in my car for a fiver, for a fiver you can come in my mouth” Crude I know but as I walked out of the co-op there was a girl sitting down who I walked past on the way in but this time with a fella (about 40) partaking in what could only be described as a blow job. I thought no I am just imagining things (which in itself was worrying) But on getting in the car I was indeed correct. Either that or she was looking for shelter to light a cigarette. On driving past it was confirmed he was indeed getting his goods. On reflection of this event I have a feeling he was paying for her services. A quick glance at my receipt and I was just 100 points short on my co-op loyalty card of being eligible for a free blow job. So I got to ours and told Mrs Fay of the goings on and then explained how I had forgotten to get the milk and I would go back the co-op and get it oh and by the way you don’t have a 100 point co-op voucher do you as we are just short for a set of wine glasses !!!!

The fun of Garston village eh. Oh by the way my 7 year old daughter informed me this week if you take the G and the R out of Garston you get Aston. Who is her fave member of JLS.

Peace

Fay x x x

Fireball, banks and a venn diagram.

So last night I missed what was possibly one of the best fireballs seen over this country at about 21:40. Twitter was alive with sightings and fake pictures but then a video appeared showing the fireball but only in black and white and not the full glory being described by many on Twitter. Its being called a meteor but for it to become a meteor I am informed it must make the ground otherwise its a fireball. Soon it was rumoured to be Charlie Adam’s penalty from last weeks Carling Cup final re-entering the earths atmosphere but again this has not been proven. Gutted I missed it being a bit of nerd over these types of things but alas I was in bed again for 20:30 just like Friday as it seems one of the best ways of keeping my aim of not having a bevvy until the new baby arrives is to just go to bed and resist the temptation of rose and Stella Cidre in the old fridge. So its day 7 out of 39 and on the 40th day god said let there be a baby and treat yourself to a bevvy son. So onto baby news and it was a scan on Friday at the women’s hozzi. Everything was fine and with the scan being so late (nearly 34 weeks) you could see amazing details of ickle Fay III indeed so much that he/she was blinking and poking its tongue out. So if indeed baby Fay is a male in traditional sexist style he would leap above my two daughters to become second in line to the throne. Succession being King John Fay to be passed to me King Neil Fay and then to my Eldest Elizabeth or if a boy King no name as we are just nowhere near a name for a boy !

The baby will be lucky to have a bedroom at this rate as being self-employed its been fucking hard to say the least in trying to get some cash to do my nans house up so we can move in. Even though I have loads of equity in my two properties (get on me eh) and the fact I am earning more money being self-employed than when working for Liverpool council “the computer says no” has been popping up everywhere including my current bank HSBC where I have my current mortgages and business account. Having never missed any kind of payment in my life and the HSBC can see my weekly income for the last 30 months the fuckers said no to me and then decided to take the piss announcing that they had made £14 billion profit for the last year. Another reason to hate the bastard bankers eh. So with the Halifax announcing that they are putting mortgage rates up even though the base rate is not changing (due to financial markets) I reckon all the other banks will now follow suit as they basically have us by the balls. The only thing that has stopped mass economic problems for most of us is the fact our mortgages have gone down to offset everything else going up and only recently have we started to feel the pinch. So if our mortgages go up we are all royally fucked (well those of us with decent size mortgages) If them bastards at the HSBC put up my mortgages despite making £14 billion what can I do ? They might as well bend me over and let the chairman Douglas Jardine Flint shove it right up my…………………. and to be honest for the £30,000 I am trying to get it might be the only viable option to get the cash. Feel free to email me douggie its honestmangetsfuckedover@hotmail.co.uk

So on a lighter note the nerd in me found what is possibly the worlds best venn diagram

Peace

Fay x x x