On holiday with The Clampitt’s

So it was time for our holiday and this year we were going on holiday with 9 of The Clampitt’s (1 more arrived later) Also known as the in-laws (only joking) so up at 3am to head the airport. 3am used to be the minimum time acceptable for me to come in from a nights clubbing. Oh how far and distant those days seem. The flight etc went as well as it could with three kids en tow. The youngest kicked off a few times but seeing as the plane was a Thomas Cook plane the was at various times a loud orchestra of young children kicking off. The post airport travel ended up being a full coach to ourselves. I was expecting a sweaty mini bus so it was a nice bonus to have an air conditioned coach all to ourselves so I sat at the back on my own but was soon surrounded by kids who only had one thing on their mind and that was to swim. So we’re arrived at our villas called Amrillas. We are split over two villas and they are lovely with a small pool each. The highlight for me sadly and quite predictable was it had wifi and and so our various “I” gadgets kicked in and thus the availability for me to bang out a blog and keep in touch with the outside world. I have though made a conscious effort to not waste time on Facebook. It’s bad enough being on it at home but on your holiday it’s grim. I still can’t cure my addiction though and have a sneaky look just to see what cause I am being invited to like normally attached with a picture of a sick child !

First evening we just went out for a quick meal local and the first attempt at ordering a plain hamburger was successful. The only of the local Spar must think he has won the lottery with the amount of booze and crisps being bought . Day two and to score some brownie points I took the youngest for a walk in her pram where I discovered two beaches and an Irish pub which was later visited by the male members of the group. A bar very much to my liking as I had my first Desperado of the holiday. The second night of the holiday and it was a BBQ outside one of our villas. Or as the kids were calling it a “pool party” the highlight of which was towards the end of the evening we had 5 “happy people” figures on top of a lilo and the last man standing won the pot (1 euro a man) after much cheering and ooooohing and ahhhhhhing it took somebody to dive bomb into the pool to bring a result. It was actually more engrossing than comes across on here a “had to be there moment” We have some happy people figures so are planning a full game so everybody can have a happy people figure and put a euro into the pot and we can play the game now called the happy people Olympics.

Random thought for the day was when I was scoffing a crisp butty I noticed how the quality of Lay crisps (Walkers) is much better than ours. As you will see below the crisps are lovely and unblemished where as ours aren’t. I clearly eat too many crisps and drink too many Desperado’s but hey I am on holiday. So no fights with the Clampitt’s yet but it’s only day two and a lot can happen and we could all end up on Jeremy Kyle airing our grievances post holiday.

Peace

Fay x x x x x

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Royal baby Saxe-Coburg & Gotha

Oh come on you did not think I would let this pass me by without a blog would you ? All starting yesterday morning with the news Kate had gone into hospital it was time to batten down the hatches as the press went into overdrive and the section of Britain that should be sectioned in an asylum preparing to come from under their royal rocks to showcase the utter loons we have roaming free in our society. A good day to bury bad news then. Well David Cameron’s porn filter did not pass me by. So what does it mean well plans are afoot that in 2014 my internet service provider is going to write to me to see if I want to turn on internet filters. Saying no has still gotta be less embarrassing than getting the Razzle from the local newsagents ? But enough of that back to the baby. By mid afternoon I was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate in work. I mean come on I just needed to see the ornate easel outside Buckingham Palace. Mrs Fay told me off for posting this on Facebook ‘Still no reports of any discharge from the royal vagina. Coverage could be better if I am honest.” but we needed news. Then the teaser that an announcement was imminent. Sadly we got to find out about the birth before it was put on the ornate easel. It was indeed a boy (A blow to modern succession lovers) it was, I suppose too much to ask for a name eh and so it’s baby Cambridge at the moment, or baby Saxe-Coburg & Gotha if we are going to give it it’s real name.

This was the moment that sends the country into dickhead overdrive. Having been brainwashed all day by news reporters reporting there had in fact been no news it was time to party and celebrate the royal baby. On standby by me was a large bottle of vodka and some pills for when the coverage slipped into “what would Diana think” mode as it inevitably did. Then as expected Darth Cameron was on our screens spouting shite but thankfully soon back inside to have a crafty wank before his internet filter is switched on. All the excitement was getting to me and with the oppressive heat that night I was indeed sweating like Kate would have been about 4pm that afternoon. I was getting full value for my sky subscription as they had put out an extra channel for the evening Sky Comedy HD, but had forgotten to take the Sky News indent from the screen. Such highlights being a man saying the baby was black when asked temporarily rendering Kay Burley speechless for a second or two which must be a first ? It then dawned on me that there is a high probability that I will not actually be alive to see baby Saxe-Coburg & Gotha be king !!! Sky Comedy HD just kept on giving with numerous comical performances from in front of the palace and the royal correspondent promised there would be a party outside the palace tonight. So that was it I was en route to the palace with a big bag off Ket. It was a lovely balmy evening in London . Must be at least 500 people there. I was taking my best of Snap album down. Then post party gonna chill out outside the hozzi. Some sharks were quick to make a few bob selling plazzie union jack flags to the mentally challenged people who had gone down to the palace at two quid a pop. I was only hoping by the time I got there with me Snap album that there was a Union Jack whistle so I could have it large to “Rhythm is a dancer” on the Queen Victoria monument.

Next it was name speculation and the odds were being bandied about. I was thinking of opening my own market on Betfair. Latest betting on ejaculation position of Wills and Kate. 6/4 missionary 2/1 doggy 4/1 spooning 6/1 cowgirl 8/1 reverse cowgirl 10/1 bar somebody on Twitter replied “nah I recon it was the turkey baster!! Can’t see Wills tugging her hair and slapping her arse!” even I could not stoop that low but if we are going there I will offer 25/1. So it was off to bed I could not take any more.  As the people on the David Icke forum would have it the royal lizard was born which instantly got me thinking of the twins Robyn has in the 80’s sci-fi classic V

V Lizard baby

Tuesday morning in work and I could not face any news channel so hit the podcasts on my iphone straight away. I did however catch the first glimpse of baby Saxe-Coburg & Gotha as he come out of the hozzi with his mum and dad. There they were in their happy moment. I will give them that. It is a joy to have children and a special moment and I am glad everything went OK. It stops there though, no worries of bedroom tax for them. Just leave them alone now to get on with family life and settle in a routine and let little Saxe-Coburg & Gotha to get acquainted with his nanny and of course the butlers and the odd Corgi at his great nans crib. Lets hope we have a name quickly. Andrew and Fergie took two weeks for one of their kids, noooooooooooooooooo. Doesn’t really matter what they call him as when he becomes king he can change it anyway and there are rumours that Charles might be King George ???

Peace

Fay x x x x x

 

My tin wedding anniversary

So the 19th July 2003 and here I was about to get married having a last whisky as a single man in The Greenhills pub and a small walk to the United Reformed church on Mather Avenue. The only church that would accept me being a unchristened non believer. All suited and booted awaiting Claire Jayne Runacus to become Mrs Fay and marrying the first in line to the Fay throne Neil George Fay and become future Queen Fay. A title that sadly she would have much quicker than we both anticipated. I am not a great fan of fuss and being centre of attention but went along with the church wedding shebang as it’s all about the bride on a wedding day. It was only the church service I was worried about. The rest of the day would be getting pissed, having burger and chips for my wedding breakfast. That’s not a joke either and the best man presented me a Heinz tomato ketchup in lovely ribbons for the top table. Before I knew it was night-time already and in the gap between day and night I managed to grab some Open golf on BBC Grandstand. Most of the day is a blur. I remember saying that we would both only meet and greet on the door until 9pm and then it was time for fun. I obviously remember our wedding song which was “The Look Of Love” by Dusty Springfield. Sadly the place were we had our reception in Gateacre is now flats. So fast forward 10 years to 2013 and our 10th anniversary which is a tin anniversary. I have promised that on our 25th anniversary I will take Mrs Fay back to where we had our honeymoon which was Sorrento in Italy. So where could I take her for our 10th anniversary. Well I decided it would be somewhere where the temperature would be nearly 30c and had a beach. So yes we headed off for a night in Blackpool !!

Blackpool Tower

Looking at old pics the other day it was quite sad to see in the 10 years since we got married the amount of people who were either (A) dead or (B) separated. So me and the missus are quite proud that we have made it to 10 years with three lovely daughters and still in tact, oh and of course alive !! So we arrived in Blackpool with the weather like the Mediterranean  and sitting having a beer by the sea it was like the Mediterranean but alas that is where the Mediterranean comparisons ceased (well until later on in the night) Seaside towns are always a bit weird and don’t get me wrong I am not great shakes in the fashion circles of Liverpool but I don’t get a man in very short shorts proudly wearing an un-ironed BT intranet (not even internet) t-shirt? It was lovely to walk along by the sea on such a warm evening and see a lovely sunset, a reason we picked Blackpool as the weather was amazing and we had some lovely drinks outside on a pier and there was even a trendy beach bar playing some chilled beach house choons and for that moment you could actually feel you were abroad as the stag and hen parties found this bar not to their liking but it was right up our street. So with some seaside chips for tea we ended up nailing 11 bars from what we could remember. We also took in all three piers and a few arcades as well but stayed away from the games as we didn’t want to be lumbered pissed with two giant teddies !! We found our way back to the Travelodge which was possibly the warmest hotel room I have ever stayed in. When I go away for the second time for my 40th to Edinburgh there are meant to be three to a room which is going to be some squeeze !!

Blackpool chips and sunset

So Saturday morning and Mrs Fay feeling a bit worse for wear trying to keep up with me the night before (I was ready to get back on it but for the drive home) A quick bit of breakfast and it was time to win my daughters some presents. Sadly it was not as sunny as I thought it would be as I wanted to get a bit of a tan so it was an arcade crawl. First prize was a pack of pens on a game of deal or no deal. Let’s face facts all the boxes had a shitty prize in didn’t they ! Next up was losing a small fortune trying to win a grab a teddy prize with no sucess. Mrs Fay then hit a jackpot on a fruit machine which spewed out 240 tickets. Im thinking one of the kids is gonna nail an ipod or something here as a prezzie but when the tickets were redeemed 240 tickets won two small notepads !! I think the iPod was about 100,000 tickets. Then out of the corner of my eye I could see the holy grail of Blackpool. Was this the true reason I has whisked Mrs Fay off for a romantic anniversary night on the Costa Del Blackpool ? It was only the fucking donkey derby. I would love to own a donkey derby. One you could pull around on the back of a car like a caravan and I would rent it out for parties and I would be there calling the races out and then let one of the guests have a go as I sat down and showed my skills off. Anyway I won two races and Mrs Fay won one (robbed in two other races by a short head) them three tokens allowed us to get two teddies and a giant lollipop so that was the girls sorted out.

So it was soon time to head home back to the proper ‘pool and we had a lovely night away. Here is to the next ten years and many more. As Mrs Fay says “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” I replied “Just give us a second love I am on the donkey derby”

Blackpool sunset

Peace

Fay x x x x x

Happy 4th birthday blog. Postman Pat privatised.

So with boring you all with tales from Glastonbury the 4th birthday of my blog sneaked past without recognition of the monumental event. It was July 3rd 2009 and the first words of what would be my outlet to spout shite. The first blog was “My first blog (The future of banking)” HERE I hope I have raised a few smiles over the 346 posts I have made and 55,888 people have had a look at things over the years. So much has happened in the four years I have seen births, deaths and marriages. Been to loads of gigs and three Glastonbury’s (Here he goes again) Throw in a house renovation and move oh and also leaving my job to become self-employed. Most of the things life has to throw at you have been thrown at me in the last four years, well apart from my own health and if you don’t mind I would like to keep that for a good few years yet. So four years on I am indeed older and wiser and hurtling towards 40 in just over 2 months time and despite all the adversity and the peaks and troughs I am in a better place now personally than four years ago. OK so a few pounds heavier and a little less hair and the first grey ones coming though. Also a few family members down but I know that they would be proud of what has gone on in the last four years (well apart from that one weekend in Ibiza apart) So onwards and upwards and hopefully the next four years will be a bit more stable but with my three girls growing up I have without a doubt got issues to deal with that I can’t imagine having to deal with. All part of the life experience. I never let any bastard get me down. The only time to worry is when you can’t effect the outcome of things. So with that heavy start to the birthday blog here is a picture of my girls as we had our first bbq in the backyard. Now I am king Fay of the family the queen and three princesses on the picture have my full attention and the pin code to my bank card !!

The Fay clan

So today it was announced that Postman Pat would be privatised by our favourite coalition. In a move which is just code for job losses, increased prices for us followed by the breakup of the service allowing a multi-national to come in and make more profit from us. Now going back to the last bit the Royal Mail is a service, yes a service for me and you and currently back as a profit-making service. So why is it being sold off to become a business? You can guess one thing none of us will see anything from this sell off. Now Pat himself must have a decent pension having been with the Royal Mail since 1981 and will no doubt be in line to make a few bob off some free shares he will receive. Indeed Patrick Clifton will most probably enjoy his retirement in the village of Greendale but he will see his arse when in future deliveries wont come to him because he is too far out or the cost to post to him will be too much. I just hope the privatisation does not affect Jess the cat too much. I am sure my friends on Facebook and Instagram will keep me posted of the wellbeing of Jess the cat as most days of the year they seem happy to post picture of other fucking cats I could not give a toss about or for that matter any other animal no matter how so-called cute or funny they are.

Postman-Pat

So onto the next event and the 19th July and 10 years married (gulp) Many thanks to you all who take the time to read these here mutterings and as ever with a birthday the blog gets a new look.

Peace

Fay x x x x x (Each kiss represents the year we are in for the blog, did you know that nerds ?? )

Glasto 2013 the final blog (honest)

OK final blog to do with Glasto. Where do I start ? I love this fucking place. It is an oasis from reality a place that for a few days I can truly forget about work and the kids. A big thanks to the in-laws who without them this would not be possible and they looked after our now extended tribe of three girls allowing me to head down Wednesday and the missus on Friday. First mention must go to the flag. It was a Polish beer called Tyskie (Tis-key) now I have never been a fan of flags but let me start by saying how bloody practical are for finding your mates in the crowd. Wednesday and Thursday we lost a few people just waling around the site but no such trouble from Friday as the flag done it’s job. Secondly was the amazing reaction to it. First up from hardcore drinkers who know it is a mighty fine beer and secondly from Polish people at the festival. Ranging from a lovely Polish couple we met at Chic, a Polish Diplomat from Warsaw who’s email address we got to send a photo which might come in handy as we are going to Warsaw in February 2014 (see previous cultural review blogs in Feb of previous years) and finally a Polish girl at Of Monsters and Men. There if of course the added bonus of like a knob head who does something behind a reporter on the news the joy of seeing your flag on the TV at a stage. Yes like a knobhead I have already spotted the flag and performances of Chic, The Lumineers and Mumford and Sons. Hope the flag made it back ready for 2014. It seems I cant decipher the email address that the Polish fella gave me but I think I have nailed him down as being Jacek Zochowski. So if anybody has a proper Linkedin account then if you could message him for me I would love to send the picture we have for him. Wow this is turning into an episode of Cilla’s surprise surprise. Just need the tearful happy ending now.

Tyskie Flag at Glastonbury

So what were the moments of Glasto 2013 ? Well you cant beat walking up the hill to the stone circle and then looking around and as the sun has set seeing the whole site’s lights twinkling away. The Chic version of Bowie’s “Let’s dance” was a moment of elation, 99.9% of Chic was amazing. The next moment was Ricky Ross from Deacon Blue’s live version of “Real stoned kid” a mash up of “Real Gone Kid” and Benjamin Francis Leftwich – “Box Of Stones (instrumental)”

Wednesday night turned into a particularly drunken night. Must have been the excitement of being on site. Peddling on an exercise bike drinking warm ginger and rum from a mug. More ginger drinks and some Pimms. Then a little boogie and a belter dub version of “Ghost Town” by The Specials going off. Then a sit off in what we deemed a parsnip which was most probably nearer an iceberg. I went out and done some market research into what it was actually we were sitting in. I managed to convince a few people it was a parsnip, one went for iceberg (correct answer) and another said it was an ice cube !! Had he been on the ginger bevvies as well ?

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Thursday was a much more civilised affair and another walk around the site and we just got in as the rain started so we ended up having a few drinks in the tent before venturing out in the mud and ending up in what was a very busy dance area now names Silver Hayes. We were going to see the 2 bears DJ but it was far too busy and a relatively early night was called at 11:30. Must not for forget the game of giant Twister we had. The quite moment of refection at Strummerville and adding my name onto the blackboard of names.

Stummerville

Friday and the music started and the missus had arrived on site to take up 75% of my tent space. How can we not mention Chic again. What an amazing set. I think it is the first gig I have been to that I just have not been bothered where my next bevvy was coming from I was having such fun. I watched the set back on Friday night having one of those boring “This time last week moments” and enjoyed the set just as much and spotted the Tyskie Flag loads and with that my bright pink wig bopping around. It was after that we headed up to The Crows Nest and stumbled across an amazing afro dance band which we have not got a glue of the name of but they were boss and I will need to get looking on a forum and see who they were. Find of the day a band called “Goat” who played on West Holts.

Chic At Glastonbury

Saturday and it was time to ditch the wellies as the sun was out and we had fun exploring the site once again and another highlight was in the Latin area with all of us up dancing with our Cuban Rum’s in one hand and a Cuban band in the other. Only at Glasto in the middle of the afternoon would I make a cunt of myself by doing such things. A daytime stroll around the Shangri-La area (Might make it up there past midnight one time) and then more entertainment from street acrobats and other various bizarre bands on the march etc. Just one Rolling Stones song for me, does that mean I can say I have seen them ? A tinge of sadness as I watched a fella called “Rodriguez” perform now 70 he managed a couple of good songs but was struggling overall. Nice to say I have seen him but it could have been so much better.

Glastonbury Midget MILF's

And so the final day and one last effort and as ever The Destroyers did not let me down and even had a bizarre chat to them on their Facebook page as they wanted to know what a sausage barm was which I had mentioned on my blog I had posted there. Well I think a barm is a scouse/Lancashire term for gap, cob or bun. It all got very complicated over what is essentially a bread roll !! Still blown away by the fabulous Charles Bradley

So that is that Glastonbury 2013 I promise not to try and mention it again and all I have now is my Glastonbury 2013 Spotify playlist and the memories and it went like this.

Beady Eye

The Hives

Goat

The Lumineers

Django Django

Chic

Mystery band at The Crows Nest

Ricky Ross

Rodriguez

The Bootleg Beatles

The Rolling Stones ( 1 song !! )

The Destroyers

The Villagers

Kenny Rogers

Of Monsters And Men

Mumford And Sons

Charles Bradley

And a whole whole lot more Glastonbury experiences.

Peace

Fay x x x x x

Me at Glasto

Glastonbury day 5 (Sunday)

So the final push and the old feet were feeling the pace, I had bits of sunburn, killer hay fever and been living on a diet of a sausage barm for breakfast and a biscuit boost for supper but it’s Glastonbury and nothing was gonna get in the way of the final day of Glastonbury. First up was a hike up to The Avalon Stage to see The Destroyers. By the time we got up there the cider was wall earned and we managed to put the flag in a safe place as it was only a smallish tent and we did not want to get in peoples way with it. I was flagging but The Destroyers soon had me “dancing” I use the phrase dancing and I don’t think I have quite nailed the megafolk mentalism dance quite yet. This was the first time we had seen The Destroyers without their lead singer who had left and if truth be told we were wondering if they could pull it off minus their frontman. We had brought along a few Destroyers virgins who confirmed they do indeed have what it takes. The tent was busy towards the end. I wonder how many Bruce Forsyth fans had came early and stumbled over the megafolk mentalism. Never thought I would se the day The Destroyers warmed up for Sir Bruce. Here is their website if you want more mentalism information http://thedestroyers.co.uk

The Destroyers live @ Glastonbury

So next up more walking and the only way to get energy was more cider. Down to the John Peel tent next for The Villagers. First time I had seem them and I had managed to bring a few people to see them. Christ these bands seem to be getting younger and younger. Once again a very impressive performance and a band I would like to see live again. So the sun is out and the cider is flowing. Only one thing more you could possibly ask for and Kenny Rogers on the Pyramid stage.  I have such vivid memories of playing the Lucille as a young child as my mum had it in her vinyl collection and must admit had a little Glasto moment thinking of her and I might even of been able to pass a small tear off as the chronic hay fever assaulting me. So Kenny eventually got the crowd going and thought fuck it and played two songs again as they were crowd favourites. A quick mooch around to the Other Stage for Of Monsters Of Men and it was time for one last pitstop at the tent to put my makeup on for the night (Gold and silver slitter tonight) and head out for the final evening.

So a very late call and the planned visit to see Bobby Womack was jibbed for Mumford and Sons (yes they do all sound the same) but I wanted to feel some pyramid stage love after not going to see The Rolling Stones (Well apart from the last song) So with a position bang in the middle the “Tyskie” flag was going to get some serious coverage. Such was the interaction we had with people over the flag it could most probably get it’s own blog. That might be pushing the Glasto overload just a bit too far. Makes a change from slagging of the government though. The Flag actually came in handy as I had a major trough in the middle of the set and the flag was indeed the only thing keeping me up at one point. But I and the flag were soon back in action for a rousing encore of “With a little help from my friends” with a selection of other bands that are too cool and new for me to know. The bird on top of the stage awoke and started spewing out flames and that was it the headliner for the last night over and Glasto was at an end.

Mumford & Sons pyramid stage

Well it wasn’t and not only that it was the act I wanted to see most my own headliner. A certain Charles Bradley performing at La Pussy Parlure Nouveau. Now this small tent was situated in the dance village and I feared it might be full up of people off their heads who did not know the first thing about Charles Bradley. Sods law and we got the the very front of the queue and it was stopped as security done a number count, surely not and as I watched them work out how many people were in the tent a few more were allowed in. Wow I had summoned up the very last of my energy reserves and was on water at this point. After two tracks by his mighty find band the one and only Mr Charles Bradley was on stage. Now in his mid 60’s and having only released his debut album in 2011 Charles Bradley is as soul and funk as you could ever want it. You can tell he used to be a James Brown impersonator. Him and his band were excellent and managed to get around a break in mid set blamed on a broken bass string. This was a final blast of The Glastonbury love and with it nearing 2am that was that and the joy of four hours sleep before the trip home to planet reality. A Glasto once again full of love and cider. I will finish the Glasto marathon with a final blog on midweek with bits I missed or couldn’t blog from my iphone with limited battery on site.

Peace

Fay x x x x