Oh come on you did not think I would let this pass me by without a blog would you ? All starting yesterday morning with the news Kate had gone into hospital it was time to batten down the hatches as the press went into overdrive and the section of Britain that should be sectioned in an asylum preparing to come from under their royal rocks to showcase the utter loons we have roaming free in our society. A good day to bury bad news then. Well David Cameron’s porn filter did not pass me by. So what does it mean well plans are afoot that in 2014 my internet service provider is going to write to me to see if I want to turn on internet filters. Saying no has still gotta be less embarrassing than getting the Razzle from the local newsagents ? But enough of that back to the baby. By mid afternoon I was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate in work. I mean come on I just needed to see the ornate easel outside Buckingham Palace. Mrs Fay told me off for posting this on Facebook ‘Still no reports of any discharge from the royal vagina. Coverage could be better if I am honest.” but we needed news. Then the teaser that an announcement was imminent. Sadly we got to find out about the birth before it was put on the ornate easel. It was indeed a boy (A blow to modern succession lovers) it was, I suppose too much to ask for a name eh and so it’s baby Cambridge at the moment, or baby Saxe-Coburg & Gotha if we are going to give it it’s real name.
This was the moment that sends the country into dickhead overdrive. Having been brainwashed all day by news reporters reporting there had in fact been no news it was time to party and celebrate the royal baby. On standby by me was a large bottle of vodka and some pills for when the coverage slipped into “what would Diana think” mode as it inevitably did. Then as expected Darth Cameron was on our screens spouting shite but thankfully soon back inside to have a crafty wank before his internet filter is switched on. All the excitement was getting to me and with the oppressive heat that night I was indeed sweating like Kate would have been about 4pm that afternoon. I was getting full value for my sky subscription as they had put out an extra channel for the evening Sky Comedy HD, but had forgotten to take the Sky News indent from the screen. Such highlights being a man saying the baby was black when asked temporarily rendering Kay Burley speechless for a second or two which must be a first ? It then dawned on me that there is a high probability that I will not actually be alive to see baby Saxe-Coburg & Gotha be king !!! Sky Comedy HD just kept on giving with numerous comical performances from in front of the palace and the royal correspondent promised there would be a party outside the palace tonight. So that was it I was en route to the palace with a big bag off Ket. It was a lovely balmy evening in London . Must be at least 500 people there. I was taking my best of Snap album down. Then post party gonna chill out outside the hozzi. Some sharks were quick to make a few bob selling plazzie union jack flags to the mentally challenged people who had gone down to the palace at two quid a pop. I was only hoping by the time I got there with me Snap album that there was a Union Jack whistle so I could have it large to “Rhythm is a dancer” on the Queen Victoria monument.
Next it was name speculation and the odds were being bandied about. I was thinking of opening my own market on Betfair. Latest betting on ejaculation position of Wills and Kate. 6/4 missionary 2/1 doggy 4/1 spooning 6/1 cowgirl 8/1 reverse cowgirl 10/1 bar somebody on Twitter replied “nah I recon it was the turkey baster!! Can’t see Wills tugging her hair and slapping her arse!” even I could not stoop that low but if we are going there I will offer 25/1. So it was off to bed I could not take any more. As the people on the David Icke forum would have it the royal lizard was born which instantly got me thinking of the twins Robyn has in the 80’s sci-fi classic V
Tuesday morning in work and I could not face any news channel so hit the podcasts on my iphone straight away. I did however catch the first glimpse of baby Saxe-Coburg & Gotha as he come out of the hozzi with his mum and dad. There they were in their happy moment. I will give them that. It is a joy to have children and a special moment and I am glad everything went OK. It stops there though, no worries of bedroom tax for them. Just leave them alone now to get on with family life and settle in a routine and let little Saxe-Coburg & Gotha to get acquainted with his nanny and of course the butlers and the odd Corgi at his great nans crib. Lets hope we have a name quickly. Andrew and Fergie took two weeks for one of their kids, noooooooooooooooooo. Doesn’t really matter what they call him as when he becomes king he can change it anyway and there are rumours that Charles might be King George ???
Fay x x x x x