The tales from a Benidorm weekend

So Thursday afternoon 4pm and we are at Speke Airport armed with a fast track security pass somebody managed to get hold of we were soon in the bar. We had one drop out on the day due to illness and one had already bitten the dust so just the 10 men remained standing for the Easy Jet flight to Benidorm for the start of my 40th birthday celebrations which for the record is on September 18th. One of the lads is also 40 a week after me so it was a joint trip. Don’t think the WAG’s would let us go away for two weekends on the spin !! First hitch of the tour and one of the lads got stung for £40 because his bag was too big (there were others bigger getting on the plane) but I guess it’s luck of the draw and he can add his £40 to the £50 he got stung for dropping a cigarette butt a few months back. As you might guess we found this bag tax very amusing. So as ever the flight on the way out is always OK and by the time we had landed in Alicante we were already for drink number eight. Straight into taxi’s and onto the promised land of Benidorm which as it happens is a fair old drive from the airport. Know I knew Benidorm had a few high rises and was expecting a strip of them on the front but as the cab drove down the toll road I could see the promised land. Well more of a promised Kirkby. Not only Kirkby but a super metropolis of Kirkby what cities would have been like if post war town planners had got there way. So on arriving at The Vistimar Apartments we all had to cough up €50 deposit. Obviously too many tales of Brits abroad in their rooms. Here is the Alan Whicker bit now (RIP, GBNF etc etc) basic apartments but were clean. Decent size pool and a 24 hour bar which sold Desperado’s at just €2.50. Just the 14 floors to negotiate by lift and the bags were lashed in and all plans of a quiet Thursday night had gone as we headed out to the bright lights at 12am. Having found the main area for bars we managed to negotiate double shots of what must be Calpol ! We never did manage to blag treble shots to go into a bar but a few Sambuca’s later and we were getting into the Benidorm Spirit. One final memory of Thursday was sitting outside a snack bar being brought sausage roll and chips. A fitting way to round off the first evening and I was asleep for about 4.30am.

Benidorm Shots

So day two and up at just after 9 with no kids to wake me up and a pitiful just under 5 hours sleep I headed down to the pool and had a quick freshen up before we headed out down the front and found a place to have breakfast. Sausage on toast was the order of the day only it turned out to be hot dog on toast ! Watching the world go by the second image I had of Benidorm after high rises was the mobility scooters. Oh how that proved to be even more true than the high rise theory. The front promenade was like a formula one track of mobility scooters. Not only that but there were double scooters as well. Some of the people on the scooters looked more than able as well lazy bastards.

Benidorm double mobility scooters

So after breakfast with the sun cracking the flags and my moobs on show it was time to hit the ale and the one pub we settled in was “Rocky’s” As we settled down to drink our bevy we were engulfed by this mist coming from the ceiling. This mist came on every 5 mins and once you got used to it was quite refreshing though the worry of getting some kind of legionnaires disease was high. This boozer also had little request slips were you could ask for a choon to be played and we pulled out some classics though we never did get to hear Stan Ridgeway’s “Camouflage” By now we had acquired a tour mascot  which was in the form of a Spiderman doll type thing. Rocky’s seen the demise of Scott’s sunglasses which were crushed into a small package and then I was used to crush a small bucket holder for nuts which was the first injury of the trip and I have been on to Hampson Hughes who are in the process of giving me £1500 up front once the claim has been accepted which should be by this Friday.

Benidorm injury

Next was a quick change in our apartment into my disco gear and we headed out for some tea which was the wrong move in my case as you will see.  As we settled down to watch the England match a mere 9pm I had decided I could not drink anymore (around 12 bevies) experience has told me that once I hit the wall I am old enough to just say that’s it I am off and that is what exactly I did. The last of the lads was delivered to my door at 4am as we had all come home at different times. One of the lads did not even know the name of the apartment we lived in. He managed to phone his missus to get the name and then via his phone tracked his way back. Other lads were not so lucky getting home and poor old Spiderman had had his head bitten off in some bar and was left stuffed in a speaker. A sad end to Friday night and even sadder from the “shandy” me. I also missed out on sticky Vicky but reports back were not good !!

Spiderman in Benidorm

Saturday morning and after a lovely 10 hours sleep I was feeling as fresh as and some of the other lads a bit delicate. Some not only feeling delicate but also with no cash left as one has been hugged by two Albanian prostitutes on the way home on his own and had been lifted for his money. Another lad had also encountered the same two girls but instead felt hands go into his pocket and pulled them up which resulted in the girls getting straight onto their phones and him running in a Benny Hill like comedy fashion up the hill to the hotel. When we got to his room we could see his muddy footprints from the lift to him room directly in front of the lift on floor 13. As if by magic the lift stopped at floor 11 on the way down and the same footprints went to the same room directly in front of the lift. Had this lad gone to every floor searching for his room ? After having some group OCD we went to the same food place for the third time making that breakfast, tea then breakfast again. The weather gods had turned against us and it was dull and pissing down and even an umbrella was bought. We found a bar with a nice interior a western theme bar and just as we heard the introduction to “Your the voice” by John Farnham (we were all primed to sing along) the music cut off and cue a large chorus of 10 people booing. Little did we know at the front of the bar a male country and western singer was about to start to tune up. What was he thinking ? “fucking hell I am only tuning up and I am getting major stick” in our defence we did not know he was there and he had us all singing to the country and western classics though we never did get to hear John Farnham. As darkness fell we headed to the lively bars again but suffered some quizzical looks as we refused free shots on entry as we had to be up at 7.30am for the plane. As we were in one disco/bar one of the lads said to me your not gonna believe it look who is up there. Well blow me down it was only fucking headless Spiderman still in the speaker. I rescued him and promised to look after him for the rest of the trip. We made a group decision for our safety and wallet’s safety we all headed back to the hotel together around 11:30. Moses claimed the international jingles championship and come later on there were just three of us left. We ended up talking to all kind sof people in the apartment bar and from memory a mystic Meg woman and a fella from Hartlepool who’s voice was feeling the pace of Benidorm. With that Hartlepool accent and in true Chris Rea style I was asking him to say “This aint no technological breakdown” Later on in the night I was doing the riff for “On the beach” and Rea was taking it away vocally. By now it was 4am and but for meeting some boring old bastard from Rotherham I think we might of stayed up until the taxi come for the plane.

Ughhh shaken up from my bed still pissed it was time to head to the airport. Tired, hungry and feeling a bit delicate the plane home was a living, partially sleeping hell. I have only just got to about 90% normality. In the airport one of the lads enquired about the resurrected spiderman’s well being. Ha ha I had only gone and left him downstairs in the bar on Saturday night. Cant really be arsed phoning them up asking if they had found a beheaded spiderman plush toy. RIP spidey, GBNF, only the best die young etc etc. So many thanks to all that came, those that did not even more thanks you had paid me back in full for the trip. As one of the lads said in a post trip email “Just wanted to say thanks for coming. Apart from the accommodation, resort and weather I had a great time, thats good company for you” In Benidorm’s defence it does what is says on the tin and for a boozy weekend away it delivered.


Fay x x x x x

Please remember crimes of this nature are very rare please dont have nightmares (or let Albanian prozzies hug you)


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