So after all the fuss about the book this week 50 Shades Of Grey is finally released in the cinema. Mrs Fay asked me if I would like to go and see it with her as it might errrrr you know. To which I replied I can get hold of a copy of The Adventures Of Swedish Lesbians Volume 7 or other such titles if she wants and save wasting cash on the pictures in these times of austerity as by the time I have got a hot dog, popcorn and drink that much has been spent its the equivalent of the GDP of Chad. I wonder how many women will whilst watching the film in the cinema will wind their partners up by suggestively eating their hotdogs ??? Having obviously not read the book you do get to hear snippets about it in the media and it seems that local hardware stores are bracing themselves for a spike in visits once the film is released. So my cunning plan would be to spend the £40 saved from watching The Adventures Of Swedish Lesbians 7 instead of going the pictures and take a visit to B&Q. Been planning on going for ages as I heard they have a special offer on
plastic ties, 3 foot length metal chains and industrial padlocks, oooops I mean a bulb for the bathroom, new bin for the kitchen and some plants. It seems that you also need to set up a “safeword” if you wish to re-create the film. I was thinking “stop” might be a good enough word but decided to go for a more artistic “sausages” instead ?? So with it being valentines day today and yes I did get Mrs Fay a card and a suitcase but I don’t think she got the correct use for the suitcase ;0)
So tonight the kids will be getting lashed in bed, hmmm I better change the word lashed there. The Kids will be going to bed early and I will light the candles. I won’t let her have the heating on twice in a day, them bills are high enough already. Then its time to create the magic of 50 Shades Of Fay. Using my newly acquired gear Mrs Fay ties me up on the couch. She then dances around the room with a smile on her face that I have not seen for a long time. Next she puts gaffer tape over my mouth. Wow this is going places. She the slowly and suggestively walks towards me. My eyes open a bit wider with anticipation. She leans forward and whispers in my ear “would you like me to put something special on the TV” I can only nod my head due to the tight exciting restrictions of the gaffer tape. Mrs Fay’s smile gets wider and wider. She again whispers to me, “Do you want me to tell you whats coming on ?” Again I nod my head like a kid being offered free sweets in a sweet shop. Mrs Fay then plants a kiss on my cheek and says “Here we go I have six episodes of Emmerdale to catch up on my Sky Plus” I let of a muffled cry but the gaffer tape is doing its job. She then leaves the room and comes in with a glass of wine and a box of chocolates. I try my best to say the safe word “Sausages” but can only mumble and taste gaffer tape. Ah well been well and truly had off again. Might as well settle down for Emmerdale-athon. I wonder how Mr Wilkes and Amos are doing those days ?
So day 45/46 with no ale. I will be reporting to Wetherspoons in Liverpool town centre at 9am on Monday for a Desperado and breakfast as I head off to Hamburg for three days and the next blog will be one more of the famous Cultural reviews “A Cultural Review of Hamburg”
Fay x x x x x x