Election 2015 live blog

So 9am and a first update of my election live blog. I am still undecided what to do for the general election and still might spoil my paper though I don’t know if I can be arsed to take my crayons in and spoil my paper like the one below ! Last election live blog was one of my most read blogs for some reason ? Election Blog 2010 here After weeks of election hammer the news stations have to go quiet on election day and wait for the all important closing of the polls and then the excitement of the exit polls. I am gonna have a disco nap after work so I can stay up until the wee small hours and then be glued to the TV tomorrow as the dawn of a new era starts and what I think will be an era of complete politics chaos. I counted once at a local election when I was a student to get some beer tokens and believe it or not all candidates will be huddled around the below artistic drawing and trying to see if they can claim the vote ! It’s gonna be a long day.   Spoilt election paper.   12pm update………………….As the news is on election lockdown we have pictures of the party leaders going to vote ZZZZZzzzzzzzz Just had an election flashback to 1996 and “Things can only get better” from (New) Labour. Ahh the memories, such optimism and now looking back maybe the theme tune should have been “War” by Edwin Starr. Still have not voted. Will pop down later and take the kids to show them what it is all about.

16:30 update………………Still haven’t been around to vote yet. I have noticed a lot of social media action with people posting on Twitter and Facebook that they have voted. One amusing hashtag on Twitter is #Dogsatpollingstations I suppose I better take our dog Benny The Morkie around for a picture outside our local polling station. I wonder how Nigel Farage will get on in his constituency. The result is expected about 6am so I will be catching some sleep by then I hope ! Lets hope he is not looking as smug as this tomorrow morning but then again if he wins its one less Tory seat. I am confused already.  Time for a disco nap soon now I have finished work and then the long slog until at least 4am I reckon.

A smug Nigel Farage

19:40 update……………..So I have been to vote and taken my two daughters (10 & 7) and shown them what goes on inside a polling station. For the record I voted green at local level to save Sefton Park Meadows and casted a spoilt paper in the general election. Not much room to spoil my paper as I added Revolution and a box with an X in underneath the candidates and then put lines through all the candidates careful not to go near the box which you put your X is as they will all be haggling for the vote if you do. On a lighter note we took our dog down and posted his #DogsAtPollingStations picture on Twitter. Time to go out and get some election munchies and then catch up on Charlie Brooker’s Election Wipe.


22:10 Exit poll update…………. First up I have just dropped off my own exit poll in our toilet but have my own expert who will only be know as election expert “Q” his predictions are

287 Conservative

270 Labour

51 SNP

27 Liberal Democrats


13 Others

Alarmingly the proper exit poll is pointing to a Tory minority. God I hope they are wrong. This has shaken me so much I have poured an election glass of wine to calm my nerves. Anyway out and about before I spotted two sets of Labour car flags. With just hours to go I spot my first election merchandise. Just thing I could have bought my green wooly jumper with Save Sefton Park Meadows to go with my Labour car flags. Or a I am such a rebel I spoiled my paper t-shirt. Oh and of course some David Cameron bog paper. Let’s see how the night develops it can only get better than the exit poll. Please, fucking pretty please.

Labour election car flags
23:00 update………… So I can predict that I will have a bottle of wine , some crisps and a Biscuit Boost tonight. That is a massive increase for the wine party who got 0% in 2010. Paddy Ashdown has said he will eat his hat if the exit poll is correct for a man who got caught with his pants down that doesn’t fill me with confidence. There is a yougov poll that is better for Labour followers but doesn’t seem to be getting any mentions ? For election nerds with Sky check out Sky Arts ch 129 which is showing behind the scenes of election night. Something to check out as we await results to come in and the TV channels have air time to fill. Just a couple of hours till it all kicks off. Sunderland win again on first result home. Why can’t all results be that quick ?

So at 23:00 the scores on the doors are Labour 1 The rest 0 stick that in your exit poll pipe and smoke it. The Daily Mirror isn’t as confident though.

Daily Mirror election headline

00:00 update………….. It’s still all very quiet on the results front. Flicking between coverage on the channels and it’s safe to say that the number of lines on Kay Burley’s face is down 15.6% from the 2010 election to nil and the coalition of the facelift party and Botox party is as strong as ever. BBC going with a virtual Downing Street which is all funky and that but just a good old 2d mock up of the chamber of the Houses of Parliament will do. It seems that Scotland holds they key to many things. It might be time to move up there and vote for independence. A friend of mine gets his UK citizenship on Sunday and just missed out on voting this time. He has lived here most of his life but has an American passport. It Cameron remains in power he might be asking for his American pazzy back. Saving my Biscuit Boost for later on for when I start flagging and finding it hard to keep to a glass of wine an hour. As everybody keeps saying the night is yet young !!! Anyway as I have said jib these modern graphics and here is my own version made with Burton’s Fish ‘n’ Chips snacks

Election graphic Burton's Fish 'n' Chips

At 00:00 the Blue Peter totaliser says Labour 3 (Women 3) the rest nil.

01:00 update ………..and results are still few and far between. The buzz phrase is “it’s still only an exit poll”  my Fish ‘n’ Chips graphics got a mention from The Liverpool Echo. I am such a social media slag aren’t I. I expect things to start kicking off over the next couple of hours as its a bit of a lull now as you can only listen to so much talk about ifs and buts. Kay Burley has just been rendered speechless as she tried to be clever and asking a question over and over again to which she got the reply I will answer this for a second time and he duly did and she had no answer ha ha. In other news as the third glass of wine kicks in my exit poll graphic has taken a massive turn and the Tories have lost a few of their seats. Munchies kicking in but still not time for the Biscuit Boost.

The league table looks like this at 01:00 Labour 3 Tories 2 rest of the slags who might jump in bed with somebody  0

Update election graphic
02:00 update………………..I said a few years back this fixed term parliament was bollocks and it might rear its ugly head over the coming months. But back to the present and still very slow results wise. At the moment things look like they could be worse than the exit poll predicted. I’m finding myself watching BBC more than Sky as its too late in the night to put up with Burley and Boulton. One thing for sure though is as was easily predicted by me days after the 2010 election the Lib Dems have seen their arse. The jovial mood of the day is being replaced by darkness like a young Anakin Skywalker on the path to becoming Darth Vader Cameron . I think I need a game of tennis to cheer myself up but they are all the tennis centres are being used for election counts !! Oh well more wine it is then.  Sky showing the Paisley count and how all the spoiled papers are shown to the candidates to see if they can be claimed. Imagine being shown the one at the top of this blog ha ha. So OK time for the two hours of serious results to start happening. Never mind going to Scotland I think I might be leaving the country all together.
The top of the pops charts at 02:00 Labour 9 Tories 4 Rest of the shite 5

Nick Clegg Thats all folks
03:00 update………………….So it’s all kicking off up in Scotland a 20 year old student has won a seat. When I was a 20 year old student I wouldn’t wake up until Wednesday after a hard weekend clubbing. Down in Wales it seems the returning officer has a giant script to read from (Pic Below) I can report the wine turnout in Aigbuth is now onto a second bottle. I have had the Biscuit Boost to see me through to a final 4am blog to equal 2010’s live blog. First pictures of Cameron are broadcast and I can’t even bring myself to boo as I have traditionally been doing in the debates when he first appears my bubble is well and truly burst. Help me Obi wan Sturgeon a progressive alliance is my only hope. I see an Irn Bru boycott ahead.


Giant welsh returning officer paper
So the league tables shows Labour 28 SNP 16 Tories 16 RIP Lib Dems 1 Others 12

03:00 in 2010 was  Lab 76 Con 71 Lib 9 Oth 21 slow on the count this year. Bigger turnout ?

04:00 update……………Last one for the night. Och aye the bloodbath in Scotland continues. But for what gain ?

I Neil George Fay the returning officer for Aigburth herby give notice that I have no wine left., the Biscuit Boost has been scoffed and I have to take the kids to school and nursery in the morning thus declaring it is time for bed. Hope you have enjoyed this 19 hour live blog and no doubt there will be more bollocks posted late today. To recycle an old joke there will now be more panda’s in Scotland than Labour MP’s ?

The hope when taking a jovial #DogsAtPollingStations picture before has evaporated. Let the bedroom tax continue, let the cuts get deeper, let the rich get richer. I could have told you Miliband was not up to it but I thought he might scrape through to get something.  Postmortem time later today.  I shall now go to sleep thinking what kind of country do I live in and remembering the NHS as it was.


Here is your last seats update

Labour 87 Bastards 51 SNP 39  Lib Who ? 3 Others 16

In 2010 4am scores were Lab 120 Con 148 Lib 23 Oth 25


Peace and please not 5 more years of the Tory party in any form. hmmmmmmm

Fay x x x x x x


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