The Victor Meldrew advent calendar days 12-24

If you missed it days 1 – 11 Click Here

 

December 12th

Candles !

OK on a birthday cake or a spare one in the draw in case of a power cut. But loads dotted around the house each one a mini fire hazard. Your more likely to die in a house fire caused by a candle than be killed by a terrorist. Yet I don’t see the government raising the candle fire alert or people kicking off over foreign candles coming over here taking our candles jobs. Some of these candles are fookin expensive as well just because they have a scent of summer lavender with a hint of hay. There is no need for them. if yer living room smells get down to pound land and get the Shake n’ Vac out.

December 13th

Well after last nights great gig Henry Priestman and Les Glover and got to chat to them both followed by a nice 9 miles run as part of my Greater Manchester marathon training this morning all is good so no moaning today and time for a chrimbo choon and Jose Feliciano with Feliz Navidad. Don’t worry window 14 is a moan !

 

December 14th

Stuff on fridges. Yes our fridge Mrs Fay. Now I don’t mind a nice and tidy collection of fridge magnets showing all the places I have been on the piss over the years (Stuttgart 2016 awaits) but ours has letters and notices on, enough artwork that Holly has made to fill a small gallery, random pictures of babies I don’t recognise (Christ hope its not one of ours) and a whole host of other tat on. I just want to be able to walk past the fridge without having a fight with a letter from the nursery or open the fridge without then spending time picking up shite that has fell off when opening the fridge thus reducing valuable beer consumption time. Because of this beer thing I will allow one magnetic bottle opener.

December 15th

iTunes yes bloody iTunes. Back in the day when the iPod was king the joy of it all was that any idiot could use iTunes and the iPod and iTunes went hand in hand. Now with all kids of i-gadgets iTunes has become a nightmare to use. Even worse on my phone, show downloaded music, iCloud, Apple music, radio, show all music ahhhhh where does it end ? I am lost and confused and that deffo isn’t the way Jobs wanted it when he wanted me to have access to the whole of my Boney M collection.

December 16th

Lights, lights and more lights. It’s like Blackpool illuminations in here said my dad in the 70’s when 1 room generally meant one bulb and maybe a lamp in the posh room. Well here are the results of the jury of Aigburth in The Eurovision Light Contest.

Number of rooms 9

Number of lights 24

Number of lamps 12

Thats 36 things to be on over 9 rooms at an average of 4 per room.

Add on around 8 sets of fairy lights at the moment and that is indeed not as my late dad would say Blackpool illuminations but Aigburth’s very own Las Vegas strip with the carbon footprint of Robert Pershing Wadlow.

December 17th 

Three moans on the run deserves some light relief in the form of panto and who doesn’t want to see a half naked Pete Price with two tubs of Haribo and a Biscuit Boost down the front of his tights.

Pete Price semi nude in pants with Haribo

 

December 18th

Back to driving. It seems as well as many broken indicators people have lost the skill of how to turn a corner. It is quite simple, stick to the left and inside any lines in the middle. One day I am gonna go for it and stand my ground and I will be straight onto Hampson Hughes for a quick cash injection.

December 19th

Chrimbo jumpers. Often mocked it was funny for about a year when it came back and now in the words of Jegsy Dodd describing jesters hats at festivals “You are neither funny, ironic or wacky. You are Twats and when judgement day comes you will be punished for crimes against humanity and taste”

December 20th 

Updates. phone update, laptop update. As a casual gamer I think go I will have a go on the PS4, only gayer an update. Even the TV asks for an update now and again. The price of modern life eh. Well I have an update. Get all updates to be done at 1am on a Sunday. The nice guy I am I have been updating some presents for others so that on chrimbo day they won’t be sat there for over an hour updating things but at which point by the time its updated the excitement has gone from your new prezzie and you most probably are now having a Bailey’s and some chocolate orange instead.

December 21st

Gig Twats !  Part one camera and phone knob heads at gigs. By all means grab a little photo for the memory. No need to film a whole song right in my view. We have all done it but only the wise man or wise woman does it once. Part Two people who chat at gigs. Couldn’t give a flying fuck if you have only come to listen to the two top 10 hits of a certain band. I want to listen to a quiet obscure b-side without you chattering away and killing that moment.

December 22nd

Must stop moaning. Here is me in a soft porn shoot in a santa suit and the answer to your question is yes I always keep my white sports socks on !!!

Santa Fay

December 23rd

Pub etiquette. It’s nice to get served in order and I take great pride in saying no they are before me and then getting a thank you back.  Sadly sometimes it becomes each to their own and being a 6 foot three pie arse will in most cases get me served before you so overall the queue system is best for all.

December 24th

No moan today just to wish you all thats family, friends, readers of the blog, Twitter bods, Facebook bods, Instagram bods and the one person who searched for sex style pictures today and stumbled over my blog a very Merry Christmas

Screen Shot 2015-12-24 at 20.16.51

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x

The nicest man (Men) in punk/pop/folk Henry Priestman and The Love Terrorist.

So what seems to be a now traditional pre chrimbo bash (Click this for last year blog)  it was down to The Latern Theatre in Liverpool’s Baltic Triangle. First a bit about the venue which sadly I hear could be under threat of closure. The Lantern Theatre Liverpool is an intimate, family run venue, nestled in the heart of Liverpool’s creative playground – The Baltic Triangle. A converted warehouse on the edge of Liverpool One, Lantern Theatre Liverpool emanates a bohemian contemporaneity that makes it the perfect location for unique, ground-breaking theatre. Please do have a look at what’s on down there because as ever with these gems once its gone its gone. http://www.lanterntheatreliverpool.co.uk

So last year me and Mrs Fay brought along the eldest Elizabeth. This year we expanded the clan and brought middle sprog Charlotte (8) and the father and mother in law (Next year we are gonna have a whole row) So with a pre gig can of Red Stripe we took out seats in the cosy performance space and waited for the support which was to be none other than Les Glover AKA Loved up Les who was performing tracks from his new album “The Love Terrorist” covering topics as diverse as a fox in Rock Ferry, the dreaded trip when your 50 to get a finger stuck up yer batty and a drunk dad who lamps his lads. Never fear it was more uplifting than it sounds and Les gave a great performance helped along by Mr Priestman and other members of the man of a certain age and the set included a megamix which had the crowd singing along. Jive Bunny beware.  I managed to grab a few words with Les during the second interval. I was looking for a nice ice cream to buy but ended up buying Les’s CD as I owned all of the Priestman merchandise ! Just one problem when I got home I remembered my new iMac doesn’t have a CD drive. Never fear after one hour faffing about this afternoon and the choons were on my new iMac and iPhone and the CD will go in the car. Haven’t had a listen to it yet as saving it to pass a couple of hours in work tomorrow with a few listens.

So onto the main event and Mr Henry Priestman him from The Albert Dock, The Yachts, It’s Immaterial , The Christians and now loving his solo career at the young age of 60. At times Henry ends up with a full stage including Loved up Les (Guitar, backing vocals and Merch salesman) Peter Robinson (Bass) the excellent Pete Riley (Guitar) do check out Pete’s lads band Shamona, Micaela Hallam (Backing vocals) and to have off Henry’s description the “Duelling Cajonists” Will Priestman & Adrian Harris. Spread over two parts the set was filled with songs from Henry’s two solo albums and a few Christians classics. During the proceedings Henry mention my girls who were watching. Elizabeth took it in her stride but Charlotte was a bit more reserved (Reminded myself of me as a child) I managed to grab a few words with Henry in the interval and thus describing the mother in law as the babysitter during the conversation !!!! It was actually a compliment as she is the only baby sitter we have and meant as a “what would we do without you” but came across as me putting my foot in it. Was only on my second can of Red Stripe as well. Will have to buy her an extra large box of Milk Tray for chrimbo this year me thinks. So the night as well as musically entertaining is also filled with laughs from the interaction of the band members. Again with my kids being present the band tried there best to limit the profanities though Les recorded several arses at least one shit and a bollocks with Henry adding a few as well. To be honest most of it bypassed the kids and it made for great humour and it was past the watershed after all though Charlotte (8) did say at the end she was a bit disappointed Les didn’t drop the C-Bomb ;0)

So the night whizzed by and it was post eleven when proceedings sadly finished though Charlotte was feeling the pace on a nights entertainment that must have been the equivalent of a full day watching the Band Aid concert for an 8 yard old with Phil Collins AKA Loved up Les performing in both shows but without the aid of Concorde. So with a good few sing songs along the way the highlight songs for me are as ever the brilliant “Grey’s The New Blonde” “Old” and the new track played which had us all singing along and pointing to Les. Well with it being chrimbo and that by the end of proceeding Les was now the pantomime villain and frankly loving this role and I expect him to be appearing at the Liverpool Empire in panto with Pete Price next year.

So all that was left was for Elizabeth to have her traditional post gig picture with Henry (as posted below) In retrospect she wasn’t happy with the glasses she had on in the 2014 picture, the stresses of an 11 year old eh. Well me I am just gonna try and be a cool dad with no dad dancing but leaving you with that was one of the best gigs you have been to eh kids that was proper “Daddio”

Henry Priestman is a mighty fine musician, song writer and top bloke. Indeed he is the nicest man in Punk/Pop/Folk. But now we have Les Glover as well so it is now the nicest men in Punk/Pop/Folk  thank you so much for last night.

Henry Priestman and Elizabeth 2015

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x

The Victor Meldrew advent calendar days 1 – 11

‘Tis the season to be jolly and so I present to your days 1-11 of the Faymondo advent calendar AKA The Victor Meldrew Calendar. People say I am turning into Meldrew as my years advance and I am now the grand old age of 42. Imagine what I will be like when I am 72 !! So here it goes.

Victor Meldrew Christmas

December 1st

Christmas eh, whats that all about. Cant stand it myself. Doesn’t need to be a special day for me to eat and drink loads, have some mint choc chip Vienatta and buy myself a special present (On the credit card) I can do that on Feb 18th or June 2nd ! I get into it for the kids sake. Please don’t tell me I have to be merry . If there is a god I want world peace and food and water for all off you for chrimbo please. Nah didn’t think so. Socks and a Lynx deodorant and shower gel pack it is then.

December 2nd

The bastards who don’t hold doors open or just as equal the people you do hold doors open for who then don’t say thank you. It’s an easy world to live in and so much more pleasant if we help and get on with each other.

December 3rd

Bitter football fans (Both red and blue) Don’t get me wrong I support Liverpool and hate Everton but thats it. No endless “Banter” christ I hate that word and after a match whatever the result 10 mins later it doesn’t matter to me. It’s only footy. If Everton win I will say well done if they lose I go oh well and the inner devil in me rejoices.

December 4th 

Busses, the transport mode of meff’s. Train or walk for me when possible. Everytime I get on a bus it always seems wet and sweaty and attract the local oddball to sit right next to me. Normally fatter than me with headphones in and scoffing on some kind of snack. Should it be a double decker the upstairs can be like Mos Eisley in Star Wars and all I long to do is sit at the front and pretend to be the driver whilst looking down the drivers special mirror.

December 5th 

It can’t all be moans and I give you our a bit of prime beef minister.

David Cameron topless

December 6th

Why do we need more Beatles tat down the Pier Head ? Answers on a post card to Swap Shop BBC TV Wood Lane London W12 8QT.

December 7th 

Indicators!! I reckon 50% of people don’t use them. Not even sure BMW’s and Audi’s have them. Please use them they are particularly handy when I’m out jogging. What do you think I am a Jedi ??

December 8th

Christmas Andy Gray, what more do you want ?

Adny Gray at Christmas

December 9th

Bastards who use self serve tills (Give real people real jobs) who then come over to the pay till when things fuck up. Pick yer stuff up and join the queue.

December 10th 

Today it’s beauty products. Ladies you waste so much money on these things. Pushed and pressured into buying them and now men are falling for the same shit.

“Liverpool FC today announced NIVEA MEN as the club’s official men’s grooming partner, which sees the world’s No.1 men’s skincare brand break into the Barclays Premier League.”

For fucks sake your just lining the pockets of others. Let’s all grow old and look as we were meant to be together.

Just off to “Veet” my hairy back !

December 11th 

Cards !! Chrimbo, birthday, easter and now grandparents day cards ?? Oh and those cards you all sent me when my parents and nan died. Whilst I really do appreciate the sentiments they went straight in the bin once opened. Who wants to bang them above the fire to look at and remember fondly ??? At least in the old days when I was a kid we got to draw on the back of the cards after a week. Kids don’t even do that now.

I have just done a few special cards this year.

13 Windows left and I’m just getting into this. I expect to be friendless by chrimbo ha ha ha or should that be Ho Ho Ho

Cunt Christmas cards

Bet you can’t wait for the rest of the Meldrew advent calendar. I will post it on chrimbo eve.

So keeping with the christmas spirit last Sunday when I was at the start of a bout of the killer manflu I suddenly heard carol singers. Not a couple a whole possee. Right outside my house. They were obviously having lots of fun taking pictures as well. I heard a knock but couldn’t be arsed dragging myself of the couch to interact with them. Two songs in and the bastards weren’t moving. What was this revenge from god for laughing that very morning when the wife and three kids went off to see him ? I sneaked upstairs and they cracked on into their 3rd song. Now this was a game of carol singer “chicken” Only now winner there with me tucked up in bed feeling sorry for myself with Ebola manflu. Anyway after three songs there was one last knock and away they went. No not next door or down the street. They had just got off ?? Was this an organised terror attack on just me ? Anyways when I managed to drag myself downstairs for some Lemsip there was a card from the church at the end of my road (I retract the use of bastards earlier on) They had obviously knocked to see the other christians in our house and not expecting an ill and grumpy me to be the only one in. Lovely church at the end of the road that the kids like doing activities with. I wish I had answered now and said “I am feeling a bit under the weather would one of you fine christians like to pop down to bargain booze and get me 6 Dezzies and a biscuit boost ? ”

So having to take Monday off due to my illness the door went again. Must answer it as its package central in our house at the moment. Well it wasn’t a parcel but tow old dears with bible in hand. No messing this time and I politely croaked to them in my husky voice “I don’t believe any of it and I am going to return to my couch as I am ill with manflu” They smiled back and said no problem. I should have asked them for a miracle cure or at the least pop down the bread shop for me and get us a sausage roll and some Lucozade. So that was the second coming and I was well enough to return to work on Wednesday and start training again for my Greater Manchester marathon attempt for which I might need some divine intervention.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x