The Victor Meldrew advent calendar days 1 – 11


‘Tis the season to be jolly and so I present to your days 1-11 of the Faymondo advent calendar AKA The Victor Meldrew Calendar. People say I am turning into Meldrew as my years advance and I am now the grand old age of 42. Imagine what I will be like when I am 72 !! So here it goes.

Victor Meldrew Christmas

December 1st

Christmas eh, whats that all about. Cant stand it myself. Doesn’t need to be a special day for me to eat and drink loads, have some mint choc chip Vienatta and buy myself a special present (On the credit card) I can do that on Feb 18th or June 2nd ! I get into it for the kids sake. Please don’t tell me I have to be merry . If there is a god I want world peace and food and water for all off you for chrimbo please. Nah didn’t think so. Socks and a Lynx deodorant and shower gel pack it is then.

December 2nd

The bastards who don’t hold doors open or just as equal the people you do hold doors open for who then don’t say thank you. It’s an easy world to live in and so much more pleasant if we help and get on with each other.

December 3rd

Bitter football fans (Both red and blue) Don’t get me wrong I support Liverpool and hate Everton but thats it. No endless “Banter” christ I hate that word and after a match whatever the result 10 mins later it doesn’t matter to me. It’s only footy. If Everton win I will say well done if they lose I go oh well and the inner devil in me rejoices.

December 4th 

Busses, the transport mode of meff’s. Train or walk for me when possible. Everytime I get on a bus it always seems wet and sweaty and attract the local oddball to sit right next to me. Normally fatter than me with headphones in and scoffing on some kind of snack. Should it be a double decker the upstairs can be like Mos Eisley in Star Wars and all I long to do is sit at the front and pretend to be the driver whilst looking down the drivers special mirror.

December 5th 

It can’t all be moans and I give you our a bit of prime beef minister.

David Cameron topless

December 6th

Why do we need more Beatles tat down the Pier Head ? Answers on a post card to Swap Shop BBC TV Wood Lane London W12 8QT.

December 7th 

Indicators!! I reckon 50% of people don’t use them. Not even sure BMW’s and Audi’s have them. Please use them they are particularly handy when I’m out jogging. What do you think I am a Jedi ??

December 8th

Christmas Andy Gray, what more do you want ?

Adny Gray at Christmas

December 9th

Bastards who use self serve tills (Give real people real jobs) who then come over to the pay till when things fuck up. Pick yer stuff up and join the queue.

December 10th 

Today it’s beauty products. Ladies you waste so much money on these things. Pushed and pressured into buying them and now men are falling for the same shit.

“Liverpool FC today announced NIVEA MEN as the club’s official men’s grooming partner, which sees the world’s No.1 men’s skincare brand break into the Barclays Premier League.”

For fucks sake your just lining the pockets of others. Let’s all grow old and look as we were meant to be together.

Just off to “Veet” my hairy back !

December 11th 

Cards !! Chrimbo, birthday, easter and now grandparents day cards ?? Oh and those cards you all sent me when my parents and nan died. Whilst I really do appreciate the sentiments they went straight in the bin once opened. Who wants to bang them above the fire to look at and remember fondly ??? At least in the old days when I was a kid we got to draw on the back of the cards after a week. Kids don’t even do that now.

I have just done a few special cards this year.

13 Windows left and I’m just getting into this. I expect to be friendless by chrimbo ha ha ha or should that be Ho Ho Ho

Cunt Christmas cards

Bet you can’t wait for the rest of the Meldrew advent calendar. I will post it on chrimbo eve.

So keeping with the christmas spirit last Sunday when I was at the start of a bout of the killer manflu I suddenly heard carol singers. Not a couple a whole possee. Right outside my house. They were obviously having lots of fun taking pictures as well. I heard a knock but couldn’t be arsed dragging myself of the couch to interact with them. Two songs in and the bastards weren’t moving. What was this revenge from god for laughing that very morning when the wife and three kids went off to see him ? I sneaked upstairs and they cracked on into their 3rd song. Now this was a game of carol singer “chicken” Only now winner there with me tucked up in bed feeling sorry for myself with Ebola manflu. Anyway after three songs there was one last knock and away they went. No not next door or down the street. They had just got off ?? Was this an organised terror attack on just me ? Anyways when I managed to drag myself downstairs for some Lemsip there was a card from the church at the end of my road (I retract the use of bastards earlier on) They had obviously knocked to see the other christians in our house and not expecting an ill and grumpy me to be the only one in. Lovely church at the end of the road that the kids like doing activities with. I wish I had answered now and said “I am feeling a bit under the weather would one of you fine christians like to pop down to bargain booze and get me 6 Dezzies and a biscuit boost ? ”

So having to take Monday off due to my illness the door went again. Must answer it as its package central in our house at the moment. Well it wasn’t a parcel but tow old dears with bible in hand. No messing this time and I politely croaked to them in my husky voice “I don’t believe any of it and I am going to return to my couch as I am ill with manflu” They smiled back and said no problem. I should have asked them for a miracle cure or at the least pop down the bread shop for me and get us a sausage roll and some Lucozade. So that was the second coming and I was well enough to return to work on Wednesday and start training again for my Greater Manchester marathon attempt for which I might need some divine intervention.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x

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