So here we are February 2016 and time for another one of the now infamous “Cultural Review” blogs. The winning bid for 2016 seen a return to Germany and the city of Stuttgart. Here are the previous cultural reviews WROCLAW RIGA TALLIN KRAKOW WARSAW HAMBURG So 8am in Wetherspoons in Liverpool city centre and the quickest served sausage on toast I have ever had meant the wait until 9am for a first bevvy was gonna be a long one but it was brightened up as one of the lads was waiting to order and the local drunk said very loudly to us that your mate has a pot belly. Oh how we laughed and indeed laughed for the next two days. So onto the airport it was and a quick couple of pints interrupted by a hoverboard video showing some great hoverboard videos and those of us who haven’t bought their kids one will be rushing down to Argos this weekend. Onto the flight and we turned around on the runway as we had a dodgy engine. The worst possible start to one of our cultural trips but I suppose it was better being late than being a pile of ashes on Sky News. Anyway no need for a spare plane they fixed the problem quite quickly. Though I am not a nervous flyer, this time I was glad to get up in the air safe. So we arrived in Stuttgart and onto they hotel we were staying in called “The Pension” hotel which was quite apt and the two pensioners with us were on about the 4th floor and there was no lift. About the only complaint we could level against the tour company the as ever excellent Toucan Travel.
So we headed out into the early Stuttgart evening and a quick drink in the sports bar we found a bar with just two people in. Within one round we were singing and the bar manager gave us control of his large screen playing music and the ‘You tube” takeover had occurred though one song was a clip from top of the pops introduced by Jimmy Savile which brought the requestor of the song some well deserved stick and the two people at the bar were soon fully involved in the singing. It was here that my surprise for the lads was produced. I had with some help created a pack of top trumps cards with a twist. The twist being each of the 13 lads who went away had their own card with some interesting and controversial categories including “Weight” and ‘Ale Tolerance” So the draw was made and it was two euro’s a man in and rounds one and two of the inaugural European Top Trumps championship was under way. By now we had become settled after taking over a pub. The bar man must had thought he had won the lottery with the cash we were putting over and he gave us a pizza delivery number and for the first time in the 12 year history of these trips food was bought out of the kitty. It was the first portion of chips which was my diet for two days apart from a twix I had !! Having come all the way to Stuttgart and done just two pubs we needed to venture out a bit more so made it to a gay bar and then onto a Jazz bar before we called it a night.
So day two and down for breakfast and sadly no hot dogs so it was just bread and butter for breakfast and the tradition of robbing all the small Nutella’s to give to my kids as presents. Time for some culture and we had a walk around Stuttgart for a bit whilst waiting for the boozer to open. Here Stuttgart let me down as I ordered a plain burger in McDonalds. As usual I had to wait and it got popped down over the top of the burger rack so as such I didn’t check it and when I bit into it nearly died as the mustard and gherkin hit my pallet. You bastards ! Some of the lads bailed to the Mercedes museum but I am not one for cars and headed the pub with 4 other lads though I did later learn that the three throngs on the Mercedes sign were for “Land” “Air” and “Sea” so in the process saved myself about 25 euro’s but then spent that on ale ! The pub we went in the five of us drunk them dry of Becks, then Becks Gold. The elderly bar maid come over very apologetic and said in broken English I only have these left and they were only bottles of Desperados. The bar had filled up with a few other scousers who were en route to the Liverpool game in Augsburg though sadly we were coming home on Thursday (What a finish to the trip that would have been) So we found a few more bars one of which we ended up having a nipple off between two of the lads and the nipple I championed won. It was also time for the semi and finals of the European Top Trumps Championship on which I triumphed to shouts of fiddle so I donated my winnings back into the kitty and took away the title with pride. We strayed upon a very seedy basement bar with nobody in but very dark and with UV lights and a few shelves which meant the eldest of out group a small pensioner was placed upon the self with my red bobble hat on and assumed the position of a gnome.
One one thing to do now and head back to the bar we took over the night before “Turkish Joe” (His adopted name from us) the bar manager was very pleased to see us as we took over his pub again and one of the lads became the you tube DJ. it was back to the early 80’s as “Oooops up side your head” came on and 12 pissed men were lined up on the floor of the pub doing the moves to the dance. As usual the last one up ended up at the bottom of what can only be described as a heavyweight piley on. Once again food came out of the kitty and yes I had more chips. But these were soon burned off as our own resident DJ had us all up with notable highlights being “Nellie the elephant” by the Toy Dolls, one of the lads after all this time revealing his secret dance skills that were straight from a Wigan Pier Northern Soul night. He was either the most pissed he had let himself get or somebody had spiked him with a “Gary Ablett” We said our farewell to ‘Turkish Joe” and had one final drink in the Sports Bar were there seemed to be a kick off in the making between two Chinese lads as we watched from a far it petered off into nothing. So we headed up the steps to bed (Tucan Tavel not believing in lifts) and we all had a smile on out face as we had a blue kinder egg in our pockets that only cost 4 euros from “Turkish Joe’s” Toilet (See Below)
So a last walk around Stuttgart after two days on the ale with everyone thinking how they are going to get their new travel friends home and if they did how not to get them mixed up with real Kinder Eggs ! We spotted ‘Turkish Joe” on our walk with his missus (Who was fond of a dance) they must have been banking his winnings from our trip to Stuttgart though the sign in his bar did confuse me (See below) We got the airport early and discussions involved the whole of the Henry The Hoover range and then a video of him was passed around by me that I had seen before. Scoring a goal on the mini bus home being dropped off in Aigburth Vale all that was remained to do was give the wife, kids and dog a big kiss, cuddle and hug and announce I am home then announcing that the match is on at 8pm so if you all kindly fuck off it would be much appreciated. Thanks again to the group of teachers I gegg in with for the trip. The name of the school is withheld to protect the guilty and not many of them are left teaching though we did have one from the original school the trip was organised from attending this year. A big up to the organiser and the fellas for another outstanding and funny trip. 2017 already being lined up and the two bidding cities in the lead are Poznan and Munich. The rest of the world awaits as the winning bid will be revealed in September. Oh and please fill in any missing gaps of the trip in the comments section.
Fay x x x x x x x x