So on Saturday night after a few beers and the boxing had finished I thought what can I watch on TV. With nothing I fancied on my Sky Plus and nothing seemingly on the hundreds of channels on my Sky Box I had a flashback to 1994. I was sitting in my nans (now ours) front room on a couch that was passed to her in 1980 by my mum. To my right was a posh wooden glass fronted glass cabinet with all kinds of weird and wonderful glasses in belonging to my nan including the obligatory Charles and Diana glass (God bless the Queen of hearts) I had my 24 inch teletext colour TV that was so big it took two men to lift but underneath it was the height of technology. Yes my new Telewest cable TV box. What did I watch on my new found channels ? Well if it wasn’t The Box “Music Television You Control” I spent hours of my student life watching the shopping channel QVC. So fast forward over 20 years and it was time to revisit QVC. Originally I was hooked by the live cock ups and often comedic value of the presenters. My faves back then were Julian Ballantyne, the late Steve “Whatters” Whatley AKA Mr Diamonique and my fave Paul Lavers who we christened “Toastie Head” and once when describing toast made from a toaster you could buy as “golden brown just like my hair” ! These were student days. You can imagine what state we were in at times and how the hypnotic QVC sales pitch got us hooked in the Quality, Value and Convenience goods on sale though we never did buy anything.
So what was the modern day QVC going to be like ? First up let me express my disappointment that there was no HD channel. Imaging all that Diamonique glistening in high definition. Drifting back to 1994 and my QVC days I thought I wonder if todays special value is still going ? And as if my magic the TV gave me an answer.
Oh Christ was this going to be me hooked again ? Next up another flashback. Somebody did warn me about flashbacks back in the 90’s but I did not think there were real. Flashing away on screen was the “Limited Stock” icon. Now much more cynical I think this means they have sold one out of the two they had in stock. I must purchase something from QVC now I have purchasing power unlike the days when I was a student and often had to go to certain bank machines as they dispensed fivers and thats all I could get out. A shame the Mrs Fay’s birthday and mothers day has just passed. Up next a double duvet and a man jumps on the bed to sell the comfiness of this double duvet and promptly a bang is heard from the set. He is destroying it live by mistake. All the charm and comedy value of 1994 QVC is still present to this day. How lovely. Hang on a minute there are now four QVC channels. Fucking hell I have died and gone to QVC heaven. Whats being sold elsewhere ? 1.6kg of plant food. Is that the stuff da yoof get of their dealers and get of their tits ? I might text my mate and see if he wants to go half for Glastonbury. A quick “flick” over and for sale now is a £384 blender, jesus thats expensive. The fella was saying I will have this blender for 40 years. I will be 82 and most probably dead by then. But it has a 30 day money back guarantee. At this point I decided to have another bevy and stay up for a bit watching more QVC. Another channel and this time Lulu of “Shout’ fame and Lulu’s time bomb hour. Look at this amazing shampoo.
I’m gonna bang some of Lulu’s larger than life shampoo on my back hair and yes I will do before and after pictures for you. This could be a late night. Next up and I might be jibbin my Adidas trabs and going for £61 Sketchers trabs Ideal for an 8k run but she says but you could walk a marathon though (Let’s hope I am not in a fortnight) I have my debit card at the ready. What no size 10 Sketchers left. Bastards. “Bang on trend” she says as well. As you can see below I have missed out there. Would have been like a peacock walking up and down Aigburth Road with them bad boys on. They might get size 10 back in though ? If I ever buy a pair of Sketchers from QVC please bury them with me when I die to get rid of the evidence.
12am and it was decision time.
QVC In the kitchen.
QVC beauty. Bank Holiday Beauty.
QVC Extra. House to home.
QVC Style. Flash Fashion Sale.
For my sanity and no more flashbacks I decided to end my QVC entertainment there. Soon it was nearly 1 am and the clocks would be going forward. Well about 25 mins until the clocks go forward. Should I stay up for a bit then seduce the missus and boast I have lasted over an hour ? Nah the reality was I has a Biscuit Boost and went to bed.
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Three goodbyes in this blog and the first goodbye is to Cream in Liverpool. A club where I spent many a hazy nights in the mid nineties. Long since threatened with demolition the process has started as my mate sent me a few sad pictures of what it looked like the other day. I wonder if they found his “Gary Ablett” he dropped on the floor in 1995 ? So many great memories from that club. I can never forget that when we all fell out the club at 6am after one of its early all nighters (Might have been Bugged Out) it had only gone and snowed and thus ensued a “loved” up snowball fight outside. One time a Mixmag article described me and my mates as something along the lines of “dancing lumps being held up by the cushioned walls by the DJ Booth” I will also never forget “Born Slippy” being dropped in the peak of Transporting fame and also “Perfect Day” by Lou Reed the whole club singing along arm in arm with the main lights up having a moment. Something you don’t get now kids queuing up for the cubicles (And not for a shit) and coming out all posing to some EDM !! So the club is being demolished and with it a load of memories. The generation that every move and many mistakes were just left in the 90’s and not immediately posted to social media. Happy days indeed. Below are the pictures of the club being demolished.
Thanks to Son of 8 for the pictures. Two lads who I know who have a new dance choon out (Video Below) Sadly my clubbing days are well behind me and I won’t be going out to Ibiza to see them DJ this summer. I have had my time and my tight clubbing top from the 90’s is now an extremely tight belly top ! So here is the track “Future Lovers Of House” Son Of 8 Feat Roland Clark.
Goodbye number two is to Dutch footy legend Johan Cruyff. I still have Cruyff as top of level two when it comes to footy (Pele and Maradona the only level one players) and there are many stories knocking around about Cruyff after his death. Well me being a man of Adidas (Original) and three stripes (Not the stripes da Yoof of today are having before posing to EDM) I was amazed to find out that Cruyff only had two stripes on his Dutch kit as he was sponsored by Puma so Adidas made him a special two stripe kit) Now when I was in school if your trakie top had two stripes you were called a meff and it was classed as jars Adidas. If only a meff had come back and said its actually a Johan Cruyff two stripe top we wouldn’t have had much of a comeback. But instead the meffs endured years of ribbing. Adidas posted a nice two stripe tribute (below)
Goodbye number three is to my calf’s after running 22 miles today. That is the most I have ever run (I stopped during my one marathon) I must admit it was tough at times and I can only hope that the crowd and the day will spur me on for the last 4 and a bit miles. Some hours after the run my calf was twitching away at random and it looked like something was in there trying to get out. But a few hours later I did feel a bit better and even walked the dog and am now refuelling with a Desperados. So two weeks on Sunday the big race and I am sure I will be posting an exhausting an emotional post race blog on the day. Thats it now for long runs and I nailed the 22 miles in 3 hours 42 so all being well I will get under the target 5 hours and have decided that will be that and I am only going to do the Liverpool half marathon in a few months and not the full one. I will have nothing to gain but more pain and effort and the way I felt after todays run I did not have much left to give. Mind you after the last marathon I said that was that and here I am again.
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So Saturday night and I have decided to be crazy and stay up late after being asleep for 9pm last night and the start of the weekend. In my defence I am full of cold which is not good as marathon training ramps up to its peak weeks. I did have a 21 mile run planned tomorrow but instead I am sitting here with a Desperados consoling myself and will try and get as many miles as I can in tomorrow but I thought its not a great idea to be pushing my body to its limit and running 21 miles. Yep I hear you “That bastard has any excuse to have a beer” So it’s been a busy old week with two birthdays that being my sisters and my wife’s. Also a budget and whilst I was asleep like a baby last night Iain Duncan Smith resigned and Adele announced she was headlining Glastonbury. First up you know your knocking on yourself when your older sister is knocking on the door of fifty ! Mrs Fay only just after mothers day was being spoiled yet again as she herself hurtles towards 50 and celebrated her 41st Birthday. I thought that it was only fair that after buying her a new ironing board for mothers day that I should get her a new iron as well so that was a no brainer for her birthday. Are you allowed to use such piss poor gags these days ? This is the age of modern man. I shall retreat back into my cave uggggg. As for Adele for Glastonbury well she is the mega music star of the day so it makes sense. Just not for me though and hopefully she will draw a mega crowd as I find a nice quiet spot in Glastonbury to enjoy my Saturday night down on the farm.
Now unfortunately our dog is still fond of chewing things and I came downstairs tonight to find that he had attacked Fireman Sam so bad that he won’t be putting any fires out soon as he had chewed both his legs off! Now for poor Sam this couldn’t have come at a worse time as the Tory Government look to attack disabled benefits. (Cue seamlessly into Iain Duncan Smith) Indeed things have got so bad that champion of welfare (Ahem) Iain Duncan Smith spewed it last night as I was asleep. What a man standing up against “morally indefensible” cuts. Luckily my first instinct was what is the cunt (Acceptable use of the c-bomb) up to. Well I reckon he is aligning himself up for being the right hand man of Boris in the leave Europe campaign. A campaign that threatens to drop a nuclear bomb on the Tories and blow them apart. I often wondered why IDS never had a seat on the front bench instead always standing at the end of the chamber with a twat of a grin on his face. Well I reckon he has been playing a very long game and didn’t want to be associated with Cameron and Gideon. He now hopes that bumbling Boris (A Tory worse than is ever portrayed) will pick up the pieces of a shattered Tory party and slide in with him in an attempt to win the next election. Rest assured if the empire of Boris and IDS rises it will make Cameron and gideon look like a good option. Help me Obi Wan Corbyn your my only hope. Apologies for going off on a political one but its big news this weekend and having no life at the moment outside bloody running it’s the best I could do to bang a blog out on a Saturday night.
So as mentioned Mrs Fay is out tonight celebrating her 41st birthday with her mates. It’s scary how the time races on. I myself am 43 this year and it only seemed the other week I had a birthday month celebrating my 40th with trips to Edinburgh and Benidorm along with my last ever hairstyle the infamous mid 90’s born blonde look. I am sat here listening to a 1980’s playlist on Spotify and some of the choons are over 30 years old ! The kids are growing up fast and Liverpool still haven’t won the league and allowed me to have a legal bevy in a pub to celebrate. Things are deffo on the downward turn. Even the fish died the other week. Is this the onset of another mid life crisis ? Am I just feeling down as my planned run tomorrow has gone tits up. Well all is not lost as Mrs Fay has just sent me a picture on Snapchat. You see I am still down with da yoof even if I am listening to “Broken Wings” by Mister Mister (Is that not a choon ? ) It was from earlier on in her night out and I personally think that Mrs Fay and her mates are looking better than they ever have for years not showing any signs of their 40 plus years.
The above picture is robbed from the excellent Twitter account @angelcakephotos who posts some great old pictures of Liverpool well worth checking out. Ah well thats it from me. Fingers crossed I can get at least some mileage in tomorrow for my Greater Manchester marathon training.
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So having vowed never to do any Liverpool half marathons again last summer as there is only so much running along Otterspool Prom into the wind any sane man can take, here I am Sunday morning and the alarm goes as the same time as my work alarm. I have for my sins decided to do the 2016 Vitality Liverpool Half Marathon. Part of it was the fact that as I am in peak marathon training mode it would be nice to do a gentle 13 miles. Well the weather gods were with me and a cracking day to run and a slight tail wind along the prom which beats last years 30mph in your face with driving rain. It was so nice that my comfy hooded top was ditched and I was going short sleeved. No question about shorts as whatever the weather I always run in shorts. This year my 17 year old nephew James was doing his first race and we had been for a nice 7 miles training run earlier on in the week. Paddy Power had us both at 4/5 to win. In my advantage was that I had already run 20 miles in training against was the fact I am the top end of 16 stone. As for James well he had managed just one 10 miles run but the advantage of youth and slenderness might pay dividend. On the way to the start the PA mentions the name of the oldest male and female runners and I noted their numbers to see how they got on.
So as ever we travelled to the start line in luxury with a trip on the 82 bus. James had a group photo with the rest of some St Margarets school lads that were running and we headed off to the start and I said see you at the end. I did position myself by the 1 hour 50 pace man but the start is hectic and he was soon a bit of a distance ahead and I had not even crossed the start line. To be honest to nail that time I would have had to break a personal best (PB) for a 10k doing a half marathon as well. It was a big ask. A slight incline at the start is followed by an even bigger hill AKA Upper Parliament Street. It was clear I wasn’t going to get 1hr 50 but my PB of 01:58:06 could be achieved. Soon into my stride and into what I feel like is the boring Sefton Park section we were soon about 8 miles and running past friends and family in Aigburth Vale. I got a big cheer (Thanks for coming) and I could hear a cheer for James not long after. Hmmmm the power of youth was doing well. There wasn’t much more I could do as I regretted the beers and crisps I had for the match on Thursday. I decided to keep running my race as I was on course for a PB and if I speeded up to try and beat James I might crash and burn.
So the home stretch along the prom and with a slight tail wind it was getting hot as the sun was out and it was a lovely day. Around 12 miles I got a stitch at the same point as last year ?? I battled on and kicked for home with my traditional Steve Ovett style kick for home which must make me look like a knobhead in front of the many fans at the Pier Head but needs must. Over the line having given almost everything it was deffo a PB and another medal for the collection. I spotted James after the race and he seemed to think he was slower than me but it was all about chip times and it was going to be a very close thing. He told me one of his mates jibbed it around 6 miles by Sefton Park and jumped the 82 and then rejoined near the end for a boss time ha ha ha. Who needs drugs when you have Arriva busses.
Me and James posed for some pictures. He was made up with his time and medal and really enjoyed the race which is what it is all about really but we still had to wait for the official Fay championship assuming no other Fay’s had run and beaten us. So who was going to win Fat Fay or Thin Fay. After my shower at home I got a text through my time was 01:53:19 just under 5 mins from my PB I couldn’t ask for much more well not unless I give up sausage rolls and beer ! A quick jump onto the web site and young, thin, athletic and champion Fay (James) had nailed 01:51:59 beating uncle knobhead into second place. A great time for a first crack at things well done young James. Me well I have gone from 02:15:12 in 2013 to 01:53:19 in 2016. My dream of a late place for the Rio Olympics shattered and I now focus on the world hot dog eating championships to be held in America.
For the recored the oldest man who was over 80 I think got 02:38:35 which is amazing. The oldest Woman who was over 65 beat both me and James ha ha ha with 01:51:04. Well done. I did manage to overtake a banana on the home stretch but even he might have beat me on chip time.
Next up in just four weeks time is the Greater Manchester marathon as my aim is to break 5 hours. So next Sunday 21 miles followed by 22 the Sunday after then a two week wind down to race day and the big one. As mentioned I did decide to try and raise some money and this time its for Down Syndrome Liverpool (Banner link at the bottom of the blog or Text NFAY73 £1 to 70070 to sponsor me today. Thanks. http://www.justgiving.com/N-Fay )
So a great day and well done once again to James and all the other runners who completed the race and to all the volunteers who help. It isn’t really about times its about the dedication that you need to get around that 13 and a bit miles. Time for a well earned beer and I might even have a sausage roll. Thanks to the stranger on the train the other Sunday who told me about Leukotape that now preserves my nipples every time I run. I gave Mrs Fay the pleasure of ripping the Luukotape off after the race and she started to pull slowly on the tape. After a few expletives she soon got the message it needed ripping off fast and I lost two chunks of chest hairs all for the cause.
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Europe eh. My first experience of Europe was a holiday to Ostend in the late 70’s but I was too young to remember anything. There are pictures of me by a plane. My dad must have done a bank job that year because the first holidays I can remember were in a caravan in Cockerham Sands (On the Lancashire coast) in 1980. But then I ventured onto European soil again in the mid 80’s and a trip to the south of France by car. Not just any car but a white Cortina. It took about three days to get there and I got the mumps on the way down ! I do remember a great beach, massive waves and as I had a very basic grasp of French I got sent up to ask for “Trois portions de frites s’il vous plait” sorted. Oh and I remember spending a lot of Francs on Pacman. Since then I have been to Europe on many occasions and most recently last week. So now we know there is gonna be euro referendum in June (Postal vote for me as I will be at Glastonbury) Now I like a bit of politics. I have cured myself of my Question Time addiction. I realised the TV can’t actually hear me when I am speaking to it. I do love a good election as well but not the Euro’s. But I will have to be honest I haven’t a fucking Scooby Doo what way to vote in this referendum. I am not a great fan of referendums as I think if you vote a government in all be it a shite one then they should make the decisions. I scares me that Mercedes from the midlands who’s brother is her dad and she has more children by different men than has teeth gets a vote. It was only the other day I found out what a “Brexit” was I thought it was an exit from Brussels being all Europe and that. It is actually a British exit from Europe ha ha ha and to think I get a fucking vote as well.
So over the next few months we are gonna get a lot of headlines but not much information. The bullshitometer will be at record levels not seen since at least a few days ago and Dame Janet Smith’s report into Jimmy Savile and the BBC (Topical gag alert) so who so we believe ? Does it even matter ? So let’s split it into the simple two choices you have yes or no, oui or non, ja or nein or fuck off or hell yes (Did Miliband really say that !!! )
So the yes campaign. Now my gut instincts tell me that anything that Darth Cameron and Darth Osborne line up for I must immediately vote against. Never normally lets me down but see the no vote section later. So mostly based about not giving those pesky foreigners any benefits and keeping the pound. Now I am all for keeping the pound. I can’t get my head around how many Euro’s things cost but thats because quite often when I am now in Europe I am pissed. Oh for 10 Francs to the pound 200 pesetas to the pound and about 2 Marks to the pound off my mum and dad to spend on some Fanta and any spare change for the Track and Field arcade game. It seems that on a daily basis so far we are getting a letter of a group of people saying we need to stay in Europe. I will only be swayed if the band Europe of “Final Countdown” fame issue a letter saying we should stay in Europe and for the record if the BBC don’t call their referendum night coverage “The final countdown” they have missed a trick.
So the no campaign. If Darth Cameron and Darth Osborne are a yes then a no vote it is then. That is until you see Farage (Above) with Phil Collins with a hat on. Even worse than Phil Collins (Phil’s alright really) its George Galloway and not only is it Galloway you can add the twats commonly known as the channel 4 puppet Pob AKA Michael Gove and also the daftest man in politics covering up his cunning disguise as a tory worse than you could possibly imagine Boris Johnson. So at this point all normal references are as pissed as you would be once you get home from a booze cruise to that der beautiful Europe. So according to the above gang of 4 there are many reasons to vote no, but a big one is that some people believe Britain is being held back by the EU, which they say forces too many rules on the UK. They also want Britain to limit the number of people coming here to work from other European countries.
So we have left joining right on the yes campaign. On the no campaign its the new Euro Beatles of Nigel, Boris, Michael and George. I am still unclear as to what the great Obi Wan Corbyn has to say on the matter but the scruffy non national anthem singing bastard has more important things to sort out according to Darth Cameron but I think it’s a yes.
So the upshot of it is after 882 words I am still no clearer as to what way to vote. Maybe I will form an opinion over the few months and swing one way. For the record I think yes will win due to the fact nobody has a clue so if in doubt stay with what we know. If I am being honest by the time the results are in I won’t give a flying fuck as I will be in the peoples republic of Glastonbury and by the time I get home the only exit that normally occurs is via my toilet as five days worth of ale and biscuit boosts comes out of my system.
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