So on Saturday night after a few beers and the boxing had finished I thought what can I watch on TV. With nothing I fancied on my Sky Plus and nothing seemingly on the hundreds of channels on my Sky Box I had a flashback to 1994. I was sitting in my nans (now ours) front room on a couch that was passed to her in 1980 by my mum. To my right was a posh wooden glass fronted glass cabinet with all kinds of weird and wonderful glasses in belonging to my nan including the obligatory Charles and Diana glass (God bless the Queen of hearts) I had my 24 inch teletext colour TV that was so big it took two men to lift but underneath it was the height of technology. Yes my new Telewest cable TV box. What did I watch on my new found channels ? Well if it wasn’t The Box “Music Television You Control” I spent hours of my student life watching the shopping channel QVC. So fast forward over 20 years and it was time to revisit QVC. Originally I was hooked by the live cock ups and often comedic value of the presenters. My faves back then were Julian Ballantyne, the late Steve “Whatters” Whatley AKA Mr Diamonique and my fave Paul Lavers who we christened “Toastie Head” and once when describing toast made from a toaster you could buy as “golden brown just like my hair” ! These were student days. You can imagine what state we were in at times and how the hypnotic QVC sales pitch got us hooked in the Quality, Value and Convenience goods on sale though we never did buy anything.
So what was the modern day QVC going to be like ? First up let me express my disappointment that there was no HD channel. Imaging all that Diamonique glistening in high definition. Drifting back to 1994 and my QVC days I thought I wonder if todays special value is still going ? And as if my magic the TV gave me an answer.
Oh Christ was this going to be me hooked again ? Next up another flashback. Somebody did warn me about flashbacks back in the 90’s but I did not think there were real. Flashing away on screen was the “Limited Stock” icon. Now much more cynical I think this means they have sold one out of the two they had in stock. I must purchase something from QVC now I have purchasing power unlike the days when I was a student and often had to go to certain bank machines as they dispensed fivers and thats all I could get out. A shame the Mrs Fay’s birthday and mothers day has just passed. Up next a double duvet and a man jumps on the bed to sell the comfiness of this double duvet and promptly a bang is heard from the set. He is destroying it live by mistake. All the charm and comedy value of 1994 QVC is still present to this day. How lovely. Hang on a minute there are now four QVC channels. Fucking hell I have died and gone to QVC heaven. Whats being sold elsewhere ? 1.6kg of plant food. Is that the stuff da yoof get of their dealers and get of their tits ? I might text my mate and see if he wants to go half for Glastonbury. A quick “flick” over and for sale now is a £384 blender, jesus thats expensive. The fella was saying I will have this blender for 40 years. I will be 82 and most probably dead by then. But it has a 30 day money back guarantee. At this point I decided to have another bevy and stay up for a bit watching more QVC. Another channel and this time Lulu of “Shout’ fame and Lulu’s time bomb hour. Look at this amazing shampoo.
I’m gonna bang some of Lulu’s larger than life shampoo on my back hair and yes I will do before and after pictures for you. This could be a late night. Next up and I might be jibbin my Adidas trabs and going for £61 Sketchers trabs Ideal for an 8k run but she says but you could walk a marathon though (Let’s hope I am not in a fortnight) I have my debit card at the ready. What no size 10 Sketchers left. Bastards. “Bang on trend” she says as well. As you can see below I have missed out there. Would have been like a peacock walking up and down Aigburth Road with them bad boys on. They might get size 10 back in though ? If I ever buy a pair of Sketchers from QVC please bury them with me when I die to get rid of the evidence.
12am and it was decision time.
QVC In the kitchen.
QVC beauty. Bank Holiday Beauty.
QVC Extra. House to home.
QVC Style. Flash Fashion Sale.
For my sanity and no more flashbacks I decided to end my QVC entertainment there. Soon it was nearly 1 am and the clocks would be going forward. Well about 25 mins until the clocks go forward. Should I stay up for a bit then seduce the missus and boast I have lasted over an hour ? Nah the reality was I has a Biscuit Boost and went to bed.
Fay x x x x x x x