Glad to see that France has suspended their “Burkini” ban. I was just about to head down there and modify my now infamous bright red Speedo’s (See previous blog) I couldn’t give a flying fuck what you wear on the beach. Speedo’s to Burkini, Burkdo’s to Speedini’s. It was a sad and scary development but hopefully its the end of such nonsense or beware France I will be on my way tooled up with my newly designed Speedini and people will be once again banging the French flag onto their Facebook profiles and praying for France ! Anyway whilst in Portugal and the daily Speedo hour I thought I would treat the in-laws to a special calendar for their 43rd wedding anniversary (Many congratulations) and so Mrs Fay took several picture of me in various poses with the bright red Speedo’s. Funny enough just 12 which then made perfect sense to announce the official Faymondo Speedo calendar 2016/2017. So I painstakingly created the 12 month thing of beauty and I can confirm that unlike many models I don’t feel the need for airbrushing though it was tempting to thin my love handles and bang some more blonde hair on my barnet (Blonde hair now sadly gone and back to a baldy skinhead) It was fingers crossed that Apple would print the thing due to the amount of flesh on show. So this limited edition calendar has already sold out of its initial run (1) and the surprise arrived at the in-laws house the other day. As it was addressed to me (Doh) they didn’t open it but Mrs Fay was in on the secret and said to open it. Mrs Runacus frowned as the front cover was a strictly to be deleted picture of the mother and father in law fast asleep on their respective sunbeds. But once she turned the page to see what picture was going to adorn September thinking what other dodgy pictures of me has that bastard Fay got the frown turned to a smile as the realisation dawned on her that there were going to be 12 excellently posed speedo shots. Not many people get such treats on their 43rd wedding anniversary.
Its been a week for looking back this week. First up the final ever GCSE results. 26 years ago age 16 I got 1 B 5 C’s and 3 D’s in my GCSE’s. It was few years later I found E’s !! Funny enough listening to an old City FM Acid Hour tape from 1990 that I converted whilst typing this blog. Not so long ago so it seems but almost half the difference of the 26 year GCSE results 12 years ago to the near very minute I was about to go and buy my Creamfields ticket on my lunch break. Never made it as I got a call from the hozzy. Next day Elizabeth was born 5 weeks early and that put an end to any more Creamfields. Tomorrow I have ice skating lined up and a family BBQ on Sunday. How the mighty have fallen, though I am nearly 43 now ! This week another drunken eBay vinyl purchase and Deap Heat 1990 a double album of 1990 “dance” classics (Classic used loosely) So this afternoon if you could hear “Doin the doo” by Betty Boo echoing around the enogs of Aigburth. Guilty as charged.
So if by popular demand there is a second print of the Official Faymondo Speedo Calendar 2016/2017 please email Speedosmyarse@faymondo.co.uk or contact me on 0898 111 Speedo. Or you can bang me £20 and I will send you one via Apple. Its an ideal chrimbo prezzie and you can select which month you want it to start. Personally I would put it on the fridge for those weak moments when you want to get some grog or munchies and see what you will turn into and you will think nah I am now put off that snack and need some water to get that sickly taste out of your mouth. If sales go well I might do a more risqué over 18 version !!!!!
Anyway as if me bending seductively over a pool table wasn’t enough I will leave you with February 2017 and my Baywatch pose.
Edit just noticed this is my 500th blog and no better way to celebrate with some official merchandise !
Fay x x x x x x x x
So here we are and the day after a week away with the
Clampett’s The In-Laws and the venue was the lovely three in one villa called Villa Norca in Vale De Parra about 15 mins in cab away from Albufeira Old Town. (Click on picture for a larger version) The journey started last Saturday as we flew by Small Planet Airlines. Who you may say and as we checked on their it looked like the flight in from Corfu would be the flight out to Faro for us. It was showing a 3 hour delay but reading the news it was the same plane that was delayed for 38 hours (A record for Manchester Airport) STORY HERE this plane was now due in at 8am the next day eeeew ! My heart sank but to cut a long story short they had pulled a plane from Poland and we arrived about 3 hours late in Faro so just had a few Desperdos and a free Burger King for the delay. We eventually arrived at the villa after 12 but that didn’t stop the kids jumping in the pool and me and the missus having a beer with the rest of the in-laws who were already there.
So the first full day Sunday and the morning had what was to be the regular 30 mins of some swimming for me. I had been on a health kick for a bit before the holiday but fell short of my target by 1.6 pounds and so the Fay Speedo challenge was not achieved. Undeterred by this shortfall I cruised out in my £8 bright red Speedo’s in front of the in-laws who were in a state of shock and fits of laughter and I done my few lengths of the pool lingered slowly as I got out of the pool and the Speedo’s were put away until the same time the next morning (I had to get my £8 worth) As with everything the first night is always crazy and we stayed in and had a BBQ which you can just see to the left of the above picture with posh built in sink and double BBQ with chimney. This led to my cousin in-law DJ Bobby (He of the Dolphin fondness) spinning some choons and around six of us made it to well past 3am and never mind the neighbours being annoyed with boozed up brits abroad some of our own gang were not best pleased with the drunken racket we created (Apologies)
The rest of the holiday blurs into one long session of Sagres Beer but we did go the beach nearby one day and I soon realised that I don’t like the beach as it gets sand where I don’t like it and I did not have the bottle to parade in my newly bought Speedo’s. We did spend one day at the local water park which the kids enjoyed. I remember an evening at a restaurant which had suffered a power cut so we scoffed out food in candle light and in true scouse style negotiated a discount. My sister was also on holiday at the same time so I arranged to meet her in Albufeira Old Town and this was a lot livelier than expected but we did manage to meet up and have a scran and a few beers. By now the average bed time for me was 3am ( I was the only one of the adults who made it to the last gang up getting pissed 6/6 nights) Luckily I was doing loads of walking with my new Garmin watch to that offset the Sagres and the Speedo’s remained snug but comfortable.
One memory of the holiday was a young nephew of mine getting locked in the toilet of a bar and trying to get out underneath the door with his little legs dangling out but no joy and his panic increased and the number of people trying to get him out increased his dad just said Ethan see that lock half way up the door above your eyesight unlock that. Problem solved and panic over but as it was an automatic lock in game the rest of the team had to give up a crystal as Ethan created his own version of The Crystal Maze. Speaking of games there was a table tennis table outside our apartment and we played all week until the last day until me and my brother in law (Geoff) had qualified for the olympic final first to 21 and best of five sets. With a built in Sagres break after every set Geoff went into the lead two sets to nil winning 23-21 and 21-19. He had announced some rule I had not heard of if you go six nil up or anything 11 and anything below 6 you win the set. I stormed back with a 6-0 start to make it two sets to one. hat was it and Geoff was rocked by this blow and I claimed the next two sets 11-5 11-5 to claim gold not that I am competitive or anything !!!
The villa had wifi but it was dodgy though it was nice not to be a slave of the internet and phone as I normally am but we did have the odd wifi break which involved some of us walking the local pub for a pint of yes you guessed it Sagres and some quality wifi. One bar we frequented was The Cabanitas Bar in Vale De Parra. There was a small digital display which was showing a number and going up and down. None of us guessed what it was so we asked the owner who said it was a decimal reading. Well you know what happened next and despite only being on our third pint it was time for the olympic sport of who could get the highest decimal reading. Sadly the game didn’t last long as the bar owner pulled the plug from the equipment. It was a nice little bar on though with loads of sport, nice beer and free wifi and he even banged the olympics on for us so worth a visit if your ever in the area. For the record the highest was 91 decibels.
With there being a curfew on our noise after the first night (Rumours of the Cabanitas Bar some 150m away from our house getting their highest decibel reading ever from our house party are yet to be confirmed) one post 2am session ended up with several adults lying in the dark next to the table tennis table for 15 mins. There was a reason as we were watching the Perseid’s meteor shower. It was well worth it as I spotted 8 meteors but had to call it a day as I reckon I would have fallen asleep pissed on the floor.
So with a last night party that involved a traditional boozed up brits award style jump in the pool fully clothed there was a last late night Speedo debut and that was that. They were actually very comfy to wear. I could do with a bit more packaging in the front and I most probably looked like a fat version of Mr C from The Shamen as I had dyed my hair blonde (Whats left of it) just before the holiday but like the hair the Speedo’s were a joke and normal shorts and skinhead to be shortly resumed. Back to normality with a bang and work tomorrow (Monday) and thanks to everybody who came on the holiday to make it collective fun (Most of the time ha ha) So I know you perverts have only come here for the gratuitous Speedo shot but there was no way I would be posting that. But I will post a picture of our hunk of a lifeguard (Mrs Fays words not mine) with a body to die for (or from) and lovely bleach blonde hair. He was a nice man as well and even let us take an underwater picture of him. Feel free to click on a picture for a larger version to print off to keep the kids away from the fire when it is on. I personally think he could get away being some kind go mythical creature from Greek Mythology. Bottom half athlete top half beer monster also known as The Beast Of Sagres. Oh and congratulations to Emma for setting the volume of vodka award in one night record.
I wont bore you with all the pics (See Facebook for that) but here is a family pic and my fave pic.
Fay x x x x x x x x
So Monday evening I decided to take some action. After being a Labour Party member for over a year and the reason I joined was to vote Jeremy Corbyn as leader the least I could do was pop into town and to the steps of the magnificent St George’s Hall to see Jeremy Corbyn give a speech as part of his Labour leader re-election campaign. Despite following politics since I was a child (My dad had me delivering Labour leaflets around Aigburth at the age of 8) I had never been to a political rally or an event. So we arrived before the 7pm start and were treated to some singing what looked like a socialist choir. I am not that red to know any of the words though. There was a hint of drizzle in the air but that had not stopped many people coming out to support Corbyn. To cut a long story short there were a few speakers on before the main event but all preaching a similar message and a message that sort of blurs into one once you have heard it once but all the speakers were received well. Next it was time for the main event and on came Corbyn to rapturous applause and the crowd had grown to around 5000 and people going past on busses where looking on at the event as they passed. Now we all know what Corbyn stands for and we all know that in Liverpool the Labour party could put up a puppet and still win (You say there are some Labour elected puppets already ?) Things are changing, the whole political landscape been swept away like pieces on a chessboard post brexit. That is bar one last man standing and that man is Corbyn. First they tried to get Corbyn to not even be on the ballot but that failed. The Labour coup is still on though with the Blairites trying to oust Corbyn. They are even going along with the message that he in unelectable. Corbyn’s speech itself was nothing new to most of those who has amassed to hear him. There was a banner which said “Scousers love Corbyn” and it was not wrong. By the end of the speech the crowd had grown to what must have been not far off 10,000 people and Lime Street was now closed to traffic. The scousers are waking up to new Labour and maybe in future a puppet wont just get voted in ? Not only are scousers waking up. Pockets of people all over the country are waking up and getting involved in the Corbyn movement. This is the unelectable man. The man that draws 10,000 people to a leadership event but there is no or little mention of it on the news or new web sites. If a man is hidden perhaps they can make him unelectable. But with the power of social media this can be overcome. Just the weekend before Owen Smith drew around 150 people in Liverpool. I can’t understand why this Labour leader election is still on. The Tory leadership (and next Prime Minister) ended up swift even if it did look like a set up but Labour are intent or should I say the Blairites are intent on dragging this out and want their party back (Who’s party is it ?) Corbyn had finished and the noise levels were as high as ever as the people who turned up showed their appreciation. Its been a wild ride in politics over the last few weeks so much that I noticed Gideon Osborne on my Twitter feed and unfollowed him working on the premise that he is just an ordinary MP now and not important enough to follow. Corbin himself was honoured to speak at the rally in Liverpool – a city with a proud history in standing up for justice. Well I stood ups for over 90 mins in the drizzle on a dreary summers night in Liverpool with thousands of others because I care. This is the last roll of the political dice for me, my so called last hope and even if the plan doesn’t come together at least I have fucking tried. Did you ?
Well my post holiday detox to fit into my Speedo’s had a slight hitch as all fired up from my political activism (ha ha) there was only one thing to do and we headed off to the Ship & Mitre for just two pints. I was good and went home as planned after only two pints as me and Alan finally had a Glastonbury debriefing session. The conclusion was it was very fucking muddy. So we headed home in the drizzle and I wish I had put my hat on now. Just one problem my black hat is one that Jeremy Corbyn wears. Now in my defence your honour I did buy it well before he was leader and when I wear it people say its a Paul Rutherford from Frankie Goes To Hollywood hat?? I daren’t risk being photographed at the rally with a “Corbyn” hat on. Imagine if it had gone on Twitter and I was getting ripped for being that into “Jezza” that I even wear a copy of his hat. I had visions of it going viral and lets face it the whole world doesn’t need to know I am a tit. My dear friends and readers of this blog already know that.
A bit of a serious blog for once but rest assured normal tales of booze and sausage roll consumption will follow after the news. You know the news that doesn’t tell you certain things. Go’ed Corbyn Lad, go and do it and make this country a whole lot better.
Fay x x x x x x x x