The stresses of modern life.

Well where do we start with this. First up when my current phone contract ends I am seriously thinking about just getting phone that is just a phone. We are all slaves to our phone. When my alarm goes in the morning after switching my alarm off the first thing I do is pick my phone up and through squinted eyes as my eyes adjust to the bright light see what alerts I have. This is fucking sad. The phone is then never out of my sight for the rest of the day. It ventures to the toilet with me and last thing at night I am on the bastard thing. I even kid myself and settle down to sleep the reach an arm out and grab the phone for one last look. How Mrs Fay must be wishing my arm arches the other way, or maybe not unless its my birthday or chrimbo. Now I readily admit I am a social media slag with two Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts and how can I not mention this world renowned blog. But there comes a point when you think what the fuck is actually going on. We are all slaves to these bastard contraptions. So the world of Nokia awaits, you know those cool little phones that the battery lasts for about 7 days on. Funny enough though as my contract expires the rumoured I-phone 8 is due for release and we all know how much I love to bend over and be bummed by Apple products !!

 

Another stress of modern life is the school run. There are two ways to attack the school run. One in a 4×4 Chelsea Tractor that gives you the ability to “bounce” the car fully parked onto pavement. I am about to start a reclaim the pavements campaign this pisses me off so much. I reckon a by-law should be passed that any car fully on the pavement should be allowed to be covered in flour and eggs. Such is the madness of cars by my kids school it only takes one Chelsea Tractor stand off to bring the streets to a standstill. With infants and juniors by ours and feeding off a main road every morning is chaos. So if you decide to try and make it on foot you have the wacky races on the streets but also the added fun of little Beyonce or Diesel chopping at your heels with their scooters ( It’s Ok my youngest little Britney Mercedes Fay has one of these scooters) But the stresses of modern life are real. Just on the pavement by our infants school I had noticed a couple of miniature vodka bottles about. I thought nothing of it. But today there were to small wine bottles and a mars bar wrapper. Now walking the dogs for lunch the bottles were not there but then appeared later after the afternoon school run. Now I have visions of a sloshed parent getting rid of the empty bottles and scoffing a mars bar to sober up. I know my own tricks too well. I mean who does not like a double gin and biscuit boost around 3pm in the afternoon before you pick the kids up ? What just me ? Nah at least one person as the evidence shows below. What gets me is the way the bottles have been so neatly placed. Oh shit I need a drink to pick this bastard child up from school. Oh shit I better not get collared and leave evidence in the car. But hang on I am not a litter lout so I will place these two bottle neatly on the side ? It might explain the driving standards around the school roads. How can I look at the parents in the playground now without turning into Taggert and trying to work who the phantom boozer is. A few of the school mums are on my list !! I shall be looking for tell tale signs of Mars Bars around your mouth.

The other night me and middle sprog (Charlotte 9) headed to Tesco on Allerton Road and I bored her for about the 54th time with the tale of in ye olden days that my school used to be here. She wanted to buy some eater eggs for her mates ? I did warn here that buying Easter eggs so early that the Easter egg monster in our house might mean a few go missing before easter (Wrapper to be found by two miniature bottles of white wine on Dundonald Road) but she got them anyway. As ever when go for Tesco for one thing and come out with a whole range of fat bastard goodies. I like to keep up my tradition and I always buy a few tins of Tesco own brand beans to put into the food bank container on the way out of the shop. As I done this Charlotte looked at me like an alien had landed. “Why are you putting the tins in there” she said. I explained that some people didn’t have enough money for food so I always donate a few items that get passed to a place called a food bank where people who need food can pick stuff up. She could not quite get her head around the concept and quite right she fucking should not as well. It is 2017. Why do I even have to put items of food to be collected to pass on to people in my country who can’t afford food. Another stress of modern life. I wont go off on a rant and leave this parked here.

So modern life is stressful and has a whole lot more of stress to add to the above mentioned topics. The “Depression” word is becoming more understood. Maybe the phantom boozer on the school run just needs this to take the edge of modern life as he/she looks at her phone and see’s the people with their “Perfect” lives on Facebook pumped into their minds via their phone. Maybe they are worried that they are on the edge of a spiral of bad luck followed despair and be dependent on me lashing a few tins of beans to be collected for them. Maybe there are more deep routed and more sinister reasons to hit the grog. Who knows but we always have each other and friends and family. There is always a way up. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x

 

My Liverpool Street Sign Fetish and a bit of local history.

So I have always had a slight fascination with the history of Liverpool and these days with numerous groups on Facebook and the great @angelcakephotos https://twitter.com/angelcakephotos on Twitter you don’t have to look very far to find some amazing pictures of Liverpool in years gone by.  And a few local questions I had have been solved.

Q Was there ever a Sudley Road and it was split into North Sudley and South Sudley Road by the IM Marsh ?

A There was a Sudley Road but the same stretch became North Sudely Road when South Sudley was built around the early 1930’s. The same is for Mossley Hill Road which was one road running from Queens Drive through to Garston Park going down what is Netherton Road and through to what is now South Mossley Hill Road. With the bottom bit of what is now Mossley Hill Road added again in the early 1930’s causing the creation of North and South.

Q Why do some roads off Aigburth Road by Aigburth Vale start with 3 & 4 (Cromer Road and Milner Road)

A Originally shops were planned all along Aigburth Road up until the Methodist (Now flats) they were never built (Hence the grass verges now) This makes sense as I know the developer ran out of money and the council had to pay for the last few houses in Wingate Road and Lugard Road to be finished and hence they became council houses. One of which my Nan moved into and I now live.

There is a small cottage on Woodlands Road and it had an old street sign hung on their back wall “Victoria Terrace” which I did not know where it was. Only years later with the above mentioned Facebook group I found out it was a row of Victorian terraced housing near the Aigburth Arms. All sadly demolished along with the original Aigburth Arms (Now the Victoria) in their place some “modern” council flats that are still standing. More civic vandalism. That started my fascination with Liverpool street signs and that sign is no longer there as new people moved into the house. I hope the owners took it with them and it wasnt lashed by the new owners.

I wont bore you with any more.

Anyway a lot of these old places have long since gone and I often wonder what happened to the old road signs. Where do we begin with what Liverpool has lost ? The Overhead Railway, The Custom House, The David Lewis building and The Sailors Home. That is just scratching the surface and what the Germans didnt have off, city planners including to this very day have most probably destroyed more. Whilst buildings are not easy to save I often wonder where all those cast iron road signs of roads have gone either it be from slum clearances or projects like the second Mersey tunnel. Some of these road signs are now well over 100 years old and even the ones not quite as old are falling into disrepair. I bet in the old days the council had a crack team of specially skilled cast iron road sign painters. Sadly no more and it looks like even in the days of dodgy outsourcing the signs that are left are sadly on their last legs. Just one lick of paint and a bit of tender care and these signs could last for another hundred years. Its not to be though and they are just being taken down (Would love to know what happens to them) and replaced by snazzy modern plastic ones. The white on the new ones often turns to piss yellow after a couple of years depending on relative position to the sun. How those cast iron signs must be turning in their grave.

As you can see although just a tiny and to most people insignificant bit of local Liverpool history I have quite a fetish for these signs. I must admit before my fetish in 1990 after my joint favourite band The Christians (Deacon Blue the other) released a single called Greenbank Drive. So we headed down with my mates van thinking this will be a piece of piss. How we underestimated the vintage cast iron Liverpool sign. Final Score Greenbank Drive Sign 1 v Fay 0. Now some near 25 years later (My god thats flown by) I have been looking at a more legal way of acquiring an ickle bit of Liverpool History. So searching e-bay for the last year a few have popped up. Ideally I wanted a sign with meaning so somewhere I had been or literally most placed in Liverpool 17 and 19. Sadly no joy. There was one for Window Lane in Garston where I spent many hours playing snooker there in the late 1980’s but the listing was quickly withdrawn. Then the other day a sign for Suburban Road L6 came up for £95 or best offer. Thinking “Blue Suburban Skies” from a Beatles lyric and suburban covers a lots of Liverpool I thought £25 max offer. Much to my joy the offer was accepted but the £86 postage was putting me off. I jest of course and it was pick up only and off to Aintree in our new shiny car I headed (Shiny car blog here)

So next up was a quick check on Suburban Road. Just off Lower Breck Road I have actually played footy right by there back in the day. The fella I bought the sign off paid £50 years ago from an antiques fair as he actually lived in Suburban Road when he was younger but was downsizing his current house so selling off things. So Suburban Road has some old style terraces and some new builds as well (Maybe why the sign went AWOL) In more recent news Merseyside Police has arrested two men following the discovery of a cannabis farm with around 100 plants in Anfield today (Thursday, 18 August 2016). Officers executed a Misuse of Drugs Act warrant at a property on Suburban Road at around 2.25pm and located a cannabis factory inside and the two fellas were found scoffing Jaffa Cakes unaware there street sign had been had off (Fake news alert) The two teenagers were found hiding under the floorboards of a cannabis farm during a police raid. Come to think of it the sign does have a strange smell. Maps show the earliest houses on Suburban Road in 1891 (See below) The earliest map of a full road is 1927 though as mentioned bits of the original road have vanished and been rebuilt since then (See below)

So my new piece of Liverpool History currently resides propped up against a wall in our hall. It can’t go in the back yard until its hung properly otherwise the dogs will piss on it and my antique will be destroyed. I am still on the hunt for a sign that has some meaning to me so let me know if you see one for Liverpool 17.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x

 

My Version Of Top Gear : Toyota Verso

So welcome to my revamped version of what Top Gear should be like. Just a little back story on how we got here. A few weeks back somebody ploughed into the side of our Vauxhall Meriva 54 plate which was the family car for over 10 years. It was sadly written off for about £750 or considerably less than the new MacBook we have just bought. Even before the crash it did look like it had been and survived a destruction derby. Indeed it had been hit that many times by Mrs Fay that I could not tell any new bumps and we had stopped arguing over it. Though ironically I was the last person to bump it having reversed into the lamp post outside my house though in my defence your honour Mrs Fay had parked it about one inch away from the lamp post. A small red segment of a rear brake light is stuck to my office wall as the last surviving piece. #RIPMeriva #Onlythebestcarsdieyoung #GBNF etc etc. So we needed a new car and we got it on Wednesday but due to insurance issues I could only drive it from Thursday so here is Top Gear.

Hello, good evening and welcome (Nice new catchphrase don’t you think ? ) I have donned my best skin tight drain pipe light denim jeans, dodgy lumberjack shirt and put on my middle aged hat that once adorned Henry Priestman’s bonce but now hijacked by Jeremy Corbyn. The sad thing is that at the age of 40 I bought one of these for Glastonbury. Ok I have the hat the rest is sponsored by Adidas. But back to the show and way back in the late 70’s I had my first experience of a motor vehicle. It was the luxury of sitting on the back of my late dads moped. Into the early 80’s and we upgraded to a four wheeled vehicle  and a lovely sky blue Vauxhall Chevette. Things must have been going well for the Fay family and we got a white Ford Cortina, built like a tank and it even got us to the south of France and back on a family caravan trip. Fast forward to the 90’s and Papa Fay now had a company car. A cracking SAAB with unlimited petrol and a car phone complete with attached by a curly wire headset. I felt The Don cruising around Aigburth on my car phone with “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff blasting out. It was at this point my mum and dad left Liverpool and I had to bum my sisters car now and again a Yugo which was essentially a white spam tin with wheels that was made in Yugoslavia. This car died on me on the M6 as I had gone to pick my sister up from Manchester airport but her flight was delayed by a few hours so I decided to head home. The breakdown company kindly picked me up but dumped me in a Portakabin in Lymm and I had 10p to my name and my mate came and rescued me. I reckon my bones could still have been in that Portakabin in Lymm had my mate not answered the phone. Today we took delivery of a lovely brand new 67 plate Toyota Verso. Here at Top Gear I pride myself on research and bought the Verso because it was the hire car that was given to us. As for Top Gear, well here in Liverpool thats normally three for fifty on a Saturday night.

So The Verso is a 5/7 seat MPV. So not only do we have room for my three bastard children in the back we now have extra space for two of their noisy fucking mates. Living the dream. With a 1.6 Petrol (132 BHP) 6 speed manual gearbox which is enough to get you to Tesco Express when you need that late evening chocolate fix, the car we got has come in John Major grey. With the curves of a Vouge Model and the body of an Olympic Swimmer, though to be honest it is quite wide at the back but not as wide as my mates missus who looks like the back of an 82 bus. I did not have enough bottle to insert Mrs Fay into that gag but when the car is switched into the 5 seat mode there would have been enough room for my dead body in the boot area had I inserted Mrs Fay’s name into that gag. It has a dual control climate zone so when Mrs Fay has the heater on in June I can blast some air con onto my “Betty Swollocks” The fun packed Verso has the Toyota Touch 2 Multimedia System or to you and me just somewhere I can finally after all these years attach my iPod to after having our old car so long that the CD was at the height of its popularity. Also added to the fun packed………….fun packed ?? The only way a car can be fun packed is if it came standard with two blonde Swedish nymphomaniacs. So also added to this very expensive bit of metal with 4 wheels comes reverse sensors and a rear camera which enables Mrs Fay to park in spaces that could accommodate a bus and also for me to clock any nice women that walk past whilst I am waiting at the shops.

So personally I can’t wait to get mobile again and have a day out. How I have missed the “Are we there yet” the “I need a wee” shout and also the fighting over the iPad and when that has settled down the noise of some shite iPad game added to the two other games being played on mobiles making it actually feel like fucking Blackpool before we have arrived. As for me well I hate cars. They get me from A to B though I have to be honest and say the fact I can now attach my iPod/iphone to the car and bore the kids with entire The Clash discography raises my excitement level to around 0.002% . This bit of metal is gonna last 10 years at least before the hell of having to decide what car we get again. By this time I will be 53 and no doubt in the middle of a full on mid life crisis will be in flow and I turn up in a red convertible Escort Cabriolet with my newly bought hair transplant waving in the wind and “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff cruising the streets of Aigburth looking for GILF’s !!!!

Random thought for the day. The sign says New Scotland Yard but its is in fact New New Scotland Yard but is calling itself Scotland Yard. The sign is the old sign from New Scotland Yard which replaced the original Scotland Yard. Just to clear that up.

And just in case you dared to forget please don’t

FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x

My dirty secret revealed

So the other day in a moment of weakness I ventured onto the O2 priority website and looked at some tickets for Phil Collins in Liverpool. Ok Ok I know. Forgive me father for I have sinned. But for a period in the 80’s Phil Collins was fucking massive. Growing up during this time and developing my musical tastes I could not avoid The Collins. I even bought my late mum the “No Jacket Required” vinyl album so some of this music has a real memory for me despite it now being viewed as uncool to like Phil Collins. I can picture being in our family house and planting the vinyl on our newly bought stack system from Littlewoods catalogue. Its such a vivid memory and sadly I only have memories of my parents now. I do admit he did wonder off and release some garbage after he “Peaked” So anyway in my moment of weakness and in my hour of need I clicked on the buy tickets and up popped row 5 tickets against all odds. Su su fucking Sudio. Then I spotted it was £130 a ticket. It was at this point I mouthed “Phil Collins can fuck right off” I think I would pay that kinds of money to see The Beatles or The Clash come back from the dead and perform and whilst Phil Collins has tinkered on the edge of death I certainly want going to give Collins one more night. Anyway lunch time was over and time to go back to work for another day in paradise. Yeah yeah no more Collins puns.

Phil Collins vs George Galloway

More random musings and I have spotted a few people with leaf blowers recently. All these people seem to do is blow the leaves onto the road if close or if the road is not close then just to the left or right of their houses and in front of their neighbours house. Does this mean they then come out the next day armed with a leaf blower and return the leaves in a game of leaf tennis ? I was in Greenbank Park walking the dog and there was a industrial leaf blower (Golf cart with leaf blower attached) who was just blowing the leaves off the path and onto the grass one side and into the lake the other side. So what is the point of the leaf blower ? I am yet to work this out. But considering most of these leaves would have fell around three months ago in November how about we actually employ people to clear the leaves up as they drop thus avoiding them turning to a slippery mulch that have nearly but not quite yet managed to make me go arse over when jogging. Nah austerity even affects leaves.

I was with Mrs Fay in Boots the other day. It was a Friday afternoon and I could not not work due to year end jobs running so we ended up in Boots which was populated by about 90% women and of these 75% were women with babies. So this is what happens after you have had coffee and toast in the morning followed by a bit of This Morning and Loose Women. The secret lives of women is slowly being leaked to me. Anyway Mrs Fay went to buy some eyelashes. I had a quick check and she was sporting a pair of her own that she had grown all by herself and she had eyelashes as well. But she wanted to buy some new ones for £6. Needless to say the Fay family ended up £6 better off that is until next time Mrs Fay goes into Boots and they are two for three so we end up £12 down. Might as well get a job lot and superglue them to my baldy bonce or I could get a hat like Phil Collins

Final musing for this blog and whilst out walking the dog I walked past two “Lids” and the one with the ketwig said to his mate “Did I tell you about the goal I scored” Sadly I didn’t get to hear the description but it made me feel very old. Must be about 30 years since I told anybody about a goal I scored. Oh to just be hanging around the streets with my mates and the topic of conversation was “goals I have scored” Don’t worry lads just a few more years and it will be conversations about “When you have scored” and then you will get married, have kids and be telling you mate about a nil nil bore draw and even in extra time you didn’t score a goal.

Oh we have bought  new car but thats for another blog.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x

Spot the deliberate mistake ;0)

The moment you realise you are Eddie Large !!

So in the 1980’s when there was fuck all to watch on the TV apart from the 4 channels provided you just had to get on with it and watch something even if it was shite. So on my little black and white portable (how did I ever watch snooker on that ? ) I often banged on Little and Large. For those of you younger than me Little and Large were a British comedy double act comprising straight man Syd Little (Born Cyril Mead in 1942) and comic Eddie Large (Born Edward McGinnis in Glasgow in 1941). For those of you the same age or older did Little and Large have any funny gags ? Anyway we watched it anyway as the best of the bad bunch. Now Eddie can only be described as a bit of a fat bastard though well ahead of the times in sporting a Ket Wig and later on one that was to be permed. Now looking back I would have expected Syd to be nabbed by Operation Yew Tree and Eddie to have burst. As a child he was a portly figure of fun. Fast forward 30 years and I found an old picture of Little and Large. Don’t ask what I was browsing the internet for but I stumbled across the picture below. My memories of Syd seem correct and he does look like Yewtree material. As for Eddie well I looked in the mirror and minus the ket wig it dawned on me that I was indeed the stunt double of Eddie Large. What I need is a Little and Large revival resulting in new found fame and a film being made and I could do some stunts for Eddie and bang a scouse wig on. Sadly though as of last reports in 2010 Eddie Large has not spoken to Syd. A sad demise for the comedy duo who where at the top of the TV comedy game at some point. As for not speaking, maybe Eddie had seen Syd’s internet history ?

Litte and Large

So how did Large get Large and Fay get large ? Well as regular readers of this blog know I am fond of a sausage roll or three and I reckon Eddie liked them as well. But I have noticed sausages rolls are going or trendy and mainstream. I remember years ago when I had a beard and I was called a meff. Then some years later all the hipster twats had beards and I grew the biggest meffiest beard as a backlash to the hipsters. Well I have been eating sausage rolls for years. You know the type from Sayers The Bakers/The Pound Bakery that come with added mouse dropping on for free Mouse Droppings on food It was with shock and horror today whilst in M&S Food it was quite hard to find a normal sausage roll. First up Pork and Chilli then Chicken, Ham, Hock and Mustard sausage rolls and not forgetting Hog Roast sausage rolls Come on now la whats going on ? Standard Pork sausage rolls and tomato sauce only. Some clever arse decided to put red sauce in a sausage roll but again why mess with the beauty of a sausage roll when on its own is perfection ? Hipster sausage rolls. Who would have thought ! I keep telling Mrs Fay that the name “Neil” will return. She laughs at me but just look at beards and sausages rolls.

 

Sausage Roll Choice

A final few musings from the week and it was World book day was reading my full collection of Razzle magazines from 1983 to date. I am only missing the 1990 Christmas special so if anybody has a copy let us know. But obviously not stuck together !

I spotted a woman with pink hair walking her poodle dogs who also has some pink highlights. I mean why not and if there was some pink dye left over then go for it. Next time I dye my hair blonde (Most probably never now as there is so little left) I could put any spare on the dogs. Though Zuma the youngest dog who is just turning one already has a Dickie David grey streak.

And finally remember chrimbo and all those shite lights people put up. Well its now March and those mint green lights strewn across your bush look no better now than they did in December. Oh and the red ones carefully entwined on your wicker arch at the bottom of your path. Again they look no better than they did in December. Do us a favour and switch them off.

I am in the market for a used or new car. Most probably a new car. How bloody hard is it to just buy a car ? PCP , lease, Hire purchase. Cars make me bored. Having several ways to buy a car is even more boring. Buying a saveaway might be the future. How long before they become trendy again ?

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x