So welcome to my revamped version of what Top Gear should be like. Just a little back story on how we got here. A few weeks back somebody ploughed into the side of our Vauxhall Meriva 54 plate which was the family car for over 10 years. It was sadly written off for about £750 or considerably less than the new MacBook we have just bought. Even before the crash it did look like it had been and survived a destruction derby. Indeed it had been hit that many times by Mrs Fay that I could not tell any new bumps and we had stopped arguing over it. Though ironically I was the last person to bump it having reversed into the lamp post outside my house though in my defence your honour Mrs Fay had parked it about one inch away from the lamp post. A small red segment of a rear brake light is stuck to my office wall as the last surviving piece. #RIPMeriva #Onlythebestcarsdieyoung #GBNF etc etc. So we needed a new car and we got it on Wednesday but due to insurance issues I could only drive it from Thursday so here is Top Gear.
Hello, good evening and welcome (Nice new catchphrase don’t you think ? ) I have donned my best skin tight drain pipe light denim jeans, dodgy lumberjack shirt and put on my middle aged hat that once adorned Henry Priestman’s bonce but now hijacked by Jeremy Corbyn. The sad thing is that at the age of 40 I bought one of these for Glastonbury. Ok I have the hat the rest is sponsored by Adidas. But back to the show and way back in the late 70’s I had my first experience of a motor vehicle. It was the luxury of sitting on the back of my late dads moped. Into the early 80’s and we upgraded to a four wheeled vehicle and a lovely sky blue Vauxhall Chevette. Things must have been going well for the Fay family and we got a white Ford Cortina, built like a tank and it even got us to the south of France and back on a family caravan trip. Fast forward to the 90’s and Papa Fay now had a company car. A cracking SAAB with unlimited petrol and a car phone complete with attached by a curly wire headset. I felt The Don cruising around Aigburth on my car phone with “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff blasting out. It was at this point my mum and dad left Liverpool and I had to bum my sisters car now and again a Yugo which was essentially a white spam tin with wheels that was made in Yugoslavia. This car died on me on the M6 as I had gone to pick my sister up from Manchester airport but her flight was delayed by a few hours so I decided to head home. The breakdown company kindly picked me up but dumped me in a Portakabin in Lymm and I had 10p to my name and my mate came and rescued me. I reckon my bones could still have been in that Portakabin in Lymm had my mate not answered the phone. Today we took delivery of a lovely brand new 67 plate Toyota Verso. Here at Top Gear I pride myself on research and bought the Verso because it was the hire car that was given to us. As for Top Gear, well here in Liverpool thats normally three for fifty on a Saturday night.
So The Verso is a 5/7 seat MPV. So not only do we have room for my three bastard children in the back we now have extra space for two of their noisy fucking mates. Living the dream. With a 1.6 Petrol (132 BHP) 6 speed manual gearbox which is enough to get you to Tesco Express when you need that late evening chocolate fix, the car we got has come in John Major grey. With the curves of a Vouge Model and the body of an Olympic Swimmer, though to be honest it is quite wide at the back but not as wide as my mates missus who looks like the back of an 82 bus. I did not have enough bottle to insert Mrs Fay into that gag but when the car is switched into the 5 seat mode there would have been enough room for my dead body in the boot area had I inserted Mrs Fay’s name into that gag. It has a dual control climate zone so when Mrs Fay has the heater on in June I can blast some air con onto my “Betty Swollocks” The fun packed Verso has the Toyota Touch 2 Multimedia System or to you and me just somewhere I can finally after all these years attach my iPod to after having our old car so long that the CD was at the height of its popularity. Also added to the fun packed………….fun packed ?? The only way a car can be fun packed is if it came standard with two blonde Swedish nymphomaniacs. So also added to this very expensive bit of metal with 4 wheels comes reverse sensors and a rear camera which enables Mrs Fay to park in spaces that could accommodate a bus and also for me to clock any nice women that walk past whilst I am waiting at the shops.
So personally I can’t wait to get mobile again and have a day out. How I have missed the “Are we there yet” the “I need a wee” shout and also the fighting over the iPad and when that has settled down the noise of some shite iPad game added to the two other games being played on mobiles making it actually feel like fucking Blackpool before we have arrived. As for me well I hate cars. They get me from A to B though I have to be honest and say the fact I can now attach my iPod/iphone to the car and bore the kids with entire The Clash discography raises my excitement level to around 0.002% . This bit of metal is gonna last 10 years at least before the hell of having to decide what car we get again. By this time I will be 53 and no doubt in the middle of a full on mid life crisis will be in flow and I turn up in a red convertible Escort Cabriolet with my newly bought hair transplant waving in the wind and “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff cruising the streets of Aigburth looking for GILF’s !!!!
Random thought for the day. The sign says New Scotland Yard but its is in fact New New Scotland Yard but is calling itself Scotland Yard. The sign is the old sign from New Scotland Yard which replaced the original Scotland Yard. Just to clear that up.
And just in case you dared to forget please don’t
FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR
Fay x x x x x x x x