So Mrs Fay headed off to Belfast this weekend. Cue instant memories of listening to the Boney M single “Belfast” in our front room in the late 1970’s. Hazy memories include my dad with a muzzy and a perm. My mum with a bottle of wine (No change there) and everything in the house was painted brown ?? Boney M were my first venture into music and not just that dance as well. Check out the moves on Bobby Farrell in the video below. You will be able to see me busting similar moves at Glastonbury this year. Bobby is sadly no longer with us. Very soon after his death was reported, it was observed to have occurred on the anniversary of, and in the same city as, the death of Rasputin, described in Boney M’s eponymous hit single, in a case of life imitating art. As David Icke would say “No such thing as a coincidence”. That meant I was left with our three “Bin Lids” 12, 9 and 5. It was time for daddy bootcamp AKA what methods of bribery can I use to maintain a decent order in the household. With an early finish from work on Friday I had a gentle 4 mile jog in preparation for the Vitality Liverpool Half Marathon on Sunday (More of that later) It was then off to Allerton Road to drop some documents off with my solicitor (Super Injunction holding tight and so far so good) and then I was dragged to Home & Bargains and Poundland to buy some goodies for the kids to be bribed with. It was quite a coincidence that I found 8 bottles of Desperados for just over £8. How good is that. Tea was good old fashioned beans on toast. Don’t want to peak too early with the McDonalds golden arches ticket I was saving that for Saturday. So all three kids packed off upstairs and relative calm that was until I took the “cone of shame” that our youngest dog has been sporting. For his first birthday present he got his crown jewels cut off. Such was the post cone excitement that there was major friskiness with our other dog Benny (Nearly 3) the end result was one cushion in rags and them trying to bum each other at 10pm in the evening. Now its 2017 and I have no problem with my dogs being gay. Indeed any excuse for me to regress into my late 1990’s Garlands mode. I had to put an end to it all as I banged Zuma’s cone of shame back on. I mean who wants to give one to their partner with a cone on their head? Come to think of it…………….. So night one all sorted. I let the youngest fall asleep in our bed and I await a tap on the head as she wants the iPad to watch “Horrid Henry” at 7.30 in the morning. I leave you with Boney M who have a special place in my musical heart.
So Saturday and the kids were up sharpish at 5.30 for cleaning duties. The good news was a rare saturday off work, the bad news and it was “Daddy” duties and taking the eldest to Ice Skating. On the plus side to kill some time whilst she was having the lesson we went to the B&M in Widnes which seemed Costco in size. So many goodies under one roof. Anyway the kids ended up having Easter Eggs for breakfast. It was time to bring the bribes out next and each child was on a tenner bonus if Liverpool win the derby and they didn’t annoy me all match. So thats £30 down for the day and to not be accused of neglecting my children we headed off to Crosby beach. Though the eldest was wasn’t interested. She is 13 in August and everything is such an effort and why move out of the loft bedroom when you have Netflix ? So we went the beach and the kids enjoyed splashing in the sea and plying on the sand dunes. The tide was on the way out and we got the obligatory picture with the iron men of Antony Gormley’s “Another Place” I instructed Holly (5) not to touch the willy. Well you know what happened next and can see by the cheeky smile below.
Kids wanted McDonalds for tea on the way home and whilst not my favourite it will have to do for my pre race preparation for there Vitality Liverpool Half Marathon I was doing on Sunday. 4 Desperados where screaming at me from the fridge and this half marathon had earned the title of least preparation so I necked them. I mean at this late stage it couldn’t make things any worse.
So Sunday and race day up early and happy I only had 4 Desperados left as I would have had a couple of more me and the sister in law (Emma) got the train into town ready to start. Emma is in the middle of trying for a marathon the poor fool, been there done that and lost the toe nails but I had agreed to run with her to get her a new personal best. We started off fast for Emma and it was a lovely day to run. My pre race reservations about lack of training evaporated as I was fine and we ended up getting 2:25 which was 15 mins quicker than Emma’s last half marathon. Job done and she must have the fattest fitness instructor going. But my results are there so if you want to pay me to drink Desperados the night before the race I too will run with you and get you a PB. Post race was walking the dogs and doing household chores (Come back Mrs Fay all is forgiven) The in-laws had decided to do a post race BBQ and I have around 2000 calories to consume to get to zero calories. Mid BBQ there was a loud crack and the arm of my patio chair had a crack in. Phewww thought I was going to be one of those fat bastards that breaks garden furniture. Well one burger and beer later there was a louder crack and a thud and the chair imploded much like the Twin Towers and I was in the same position but on the decking. Oh how they laughed. I just put my arm up to the table and had a swig of my beer whilst remaining on the decking. I eventually got up grabbed a cookie and declared “Diet starts tomorrow” With Mrs Fay’s flight from Belfast coming in she turned up and as the prezzies were given out I was left empty handed.
The hard work starts for Emma now pushing on for the full marathon. Being a veteran of two marathons I know how bloody hard they are. People see you on the day with you medal and say well done for running 26.2 miles. They never congratulate the hours of hard work before and the numerous half marathons you do training for no medals which enables you to get to the position of cracking the big one. I am sure with the same dedication you are showing Emma you will reach you goal. Sadly this lard arse personal trainer only does half marathons so you on your own for this one.
Fay x x x x x x x x