Live Election Day Blog 2017


Jerry’s Final Thoughts Saturday June 10th 21:00

Good evening and for those who haven’t read my live election blog it starts below at 7am on Thursday June 8th. For those of you who have, thank you and here are Jerry’s Final thoughts. So here we are day two of post election Britain. I have gone all retro and ditched Spotify and opened up I-Tunes and put my over 17,000 song library on shuffle. First up “Wonderful Life” by Black. I have recovered from the marathon live election blog and booze session by going to bed last night at 7:15pm and waking up at 8am the next morning ! So having a gentle double vodka and orange and just been presented with a small cup cake as a daughter has some friends stay over and they have a selection of cup cakes. Funny enough if I was in government I would ban cup cakes as there is just no need for them and now we have specialised cup cake shops serving specialised cup cakes. No wonder there are loads of fat bastards. Any way I went for one with chocolate on and yes I am a fat bastard.

I must admit I have post election blues. This thing is gonna drag on for ages and as I spotted on Twitter it is only 3 General Elections until Christmas. But the old social media has kept things amusing with gems like this about Lord Buckethead

 

So May is hanging on my a thread. Well as for me I have pulled a chair and have some popcorn as I watch The Conservative Party self destruct before my very eyes. Hopefully it will be a long slow drawn out affair resulting in another election a few months down the road and a 4th Faymondo Live Election Day Blog !

Thats it for this election and the good news is that focus now moves to Glastonbury 2017 and numerous blogs to bore you with including a review of each day starting on the Wednesday of the festival. You will be wishing the live election blog was back.

So Jerry’s Final Thoughts (Best Jerry Springer voice) “Sometimes in life people do things they don’t need to do. This often begins with a pack of lies about the non event but then the event happens (Like we all didn’t know it was gonna happen anyway) Once this event happens the results are often unexpected and can bring on misery for yourself but end in some kind of joy for others. The worst things you can then do is cling on for dear life making things a whole bunch more embarrassing for yourself. For your own sanity let it go and let more capable people take over.”

“Until next time. Take care of yourself and each other.”

07:00 Update

So here we are. Contenders ready ? Gladiators ready ? Its 7am and the polls are open. No expenses will be spared in Faymondo’s blog fully in-depth and analytical election coverage. Just look at our impartial Election Day 2017 logo which just happens to have my vote Labour window display in shot. Please accept my apologies. Watch out for our exclusive exit poll released at 9pm with graphics not seen anywhere before. I went to Tesco’s last night to stock up on election night munchies and Desperados. I plan to have a disco nap after I have been to the polling station and taken the #dogsatpollingstations picture for 2017. All eyes then to the first exit poll at 10pm and his is when I will crack open my first Desperados of the evening (It could be a long evening) If things look to be going the wrong way I have enough Desperados to numb the pain and plenty of shorts on my optics rack to have for breakfast on Friday and drink myself into oblivion before as promised I go “Off the grid on Saturday” So please enjoy the updates and share the blog on all social media as I am a social media whore.

 

09:00 Update

So all quiet on the news from as election rules kick in but a nice day to release lots of unseen footage of the recent terror attacks. Hot of the press though is the video for “Prostitues & Cocaine” by Liverpool’s very own Nasher. A little ditty about Gideon Osborne.

 

17:45 Update

Why no regular updates I have been asked ? Well it would be a bit like trying to review a dodgy 1970’s porno before the window cleaner had turned up. In other election news I have been reminded that in the 80’s people in small vans with loudspeakers used to drive around the streets of Aigburth trying to get you to  vote and somebody posted a picture of a corgi car of aforementioned practice. Off for my disco nap and then will be off to post my dogs at polling stations pictures even though I have just got back from voting. Then at 9pm will be the Faymondo exit poll with exclusive graphics for this blog. The all eyes on the might exit poll and time to crack open a Desperados to help me digest the news.

20:30 Update

So the craze that swept the last election even gets its own hashtag picture on Twitter and its time for Faymondo’s #dogsatpollingstations including our election graphics top left. No expense spared here for Election 2017 coverage. Next update will include the Faymondo Exit Poll to be posted about 09:15 with even better not to be missed graphics. Nerves starting to kick in now over the result and the glass half full is suddenly starting to look like a glass half empty a bit like my Desperados bottles will be come post 10pm.

21:10 Update

Its time for the official Faymondo Blog exit poll. Once again sponsored by Celebrations. This exit poll based on nothing but a Twitter poll ran by my @Liverpoolweath account and I can proudly show you the graphic below.

 

You can quite clearly see this slightly biased Scouse exit poll and I Neil George Fay herby announce the results of the Faymondo exit poll.

Maltesers (Labour) 89% aka For the many not the few party

Bounty (Conservative) 6% aka The strong and stable party

Galaxy Caramel (UKIP) 4% aka The bad Bootle meff party

Twix (Lib Dems) 1% aka The sell out party

Turnout 433 people.

So I herby declare that Labour will for the next government based on The Faymondo Cadburys Celebration exit poll.

22:10 Update

So the official exit poll is out. I didn’t quite manage to hang on until 10pm for a first Desperados and due to pre exit poll nerves cracked a bottle open at 9.30pm. This is quite possibly the worst excuse yet in my life to have a bevy. Last election I watched the exit poll on BBC and it brought me the shock of my life. So this election I have switched to Sky News for luck. Well wow its game on. It could go any way this. Its gonna be a long night. Had to sip the Tories to Milky Way as Mrs Fay eat all the Bounty’s !! Right Desperados and munchies stocked up and I will try and pick up on the more amusing things going on this evening.

 

23:00 Update

Still trying to digest what has possibly gone on. In other election news who is arsed if you are first to declare all though its about the only thing Newcastle and Sunderland have to cheer about these days. I have a feeling that we could well be seeing a Live Election Blog 2019. Switched over to BBC as I much prefer the voice and delivery of Dimbleby to that of Adam Boulton. This is turning out to be the elections of all elections and I have no doubt that I wont be able to last the full distance and might call it a night about 4am and then rise early for the very latest updates. Perhaps this blog will go into day 2 ! One thing I am not that impressed with are modern election graphics. Just far too complicated with virtual reality House Of Commons etc. A giant bottle of Desperados has corrupted the BBC election graphics on my screen.

Latest Desperados count is 2.

Breaking…… Newcastle win and Labour 1-0 up. Happy days

00:00 Update 

It could come down to the Irish vote and who joins who’s gang to form a coalition if needed. Imagine the fewwwmm if Sinn Fein took up their seats to then give Corbyn enough seats for a coalition. So its currently 4-1 to the mighty Labour but the exit polls could be going tits up. Nothing amusing captured on the TV coverage yet but I can confirm I have shouted my first “Bollocks” at the TV when Liam Fox was on ITV. My two dogs are looking at me bemused as to why I am up this late. For the record they both voted Conservative as they have a dislike of foxes. As a self confessed election nerd this is fascinating stuff and takes me back to sneakily staying awake for Election 1983 watching it on my black and white portable. I remember me and my mates asking random people of Aigburth who they voted for and putting a bit of paper into a bag. My teacher at my school at the time Sudley Juniors was so impressed with this she included it into the class teaching.

Latest Desperados count is 3.

01:00 Update

BBC went to the news at 12am which I thought was weird but then I twigged that Dimbleby most probably needed a Biscuit Boost and a piss. First agree with a Tory klaxon and I agree with the father of the house that there should be no more referendums ever. You vote for a government and you reap what you sow. Results very slow incoming but we have news of a Tory hold and this beaut (Phillip Hollobone) looks like he has his UKIP jacket on.

One thing for certain is that it is RIP UKIP and farewell to the bad Bootle meff Paul Nutella. After the amazing start at 10pm and the exit poll the three hours since have been a slow burner. I am expecting it all to kick off over the next three hours. Live from Huddersfield at 00:48 and they haven’t even started counting. Come on Huddersfield I have only got three Desperados left. Never seen such excitement at a rest from Darlington at 00:52 and we are still sweating on the reliability of the exit poll aghhhhhhhhhh.

Latest Desperados count is 5.

Scores on the doors LAB 10 CON 5

02:00 Update

Well you know you have had a few when you reply to a tweet from Derek Hatton ! Next up at 01:10 and a big up to da Wales massive. Always loved going to Llandudno as a child. Seems the bad Bootle meff is getting a cob on ha ha.

01:21 and Amber Rudd is having kittens. Love these election “moments” when people get jibbed. After having a little wedge on Trump to win and bottling it at 8/1 after the exit polls closed I was tempted again to have a bet on a hung parliament but didn’t. Currently Corbyn is odds on favourite to be the next PM after the election. Tom Watson is still a cunt though ! Whats this the swing-ometer has just turned up at 01:48 and it says under 1%. No wonder its been asleep. Bookies are bottling it and now Darth May is 8/11 against Corbyn 11/10 just showing its all up for grabs. The award of first “Fuck off” to the TV goes to Laura Kuenssberg of BBC

The youth of today has lots to say.

Latest Desperados Count 6

Scores on the doors LAB 40 CON 25 SNP 4 DUP 2

Update 03:00

Well a shadow is cast upon Brexit now and in the words of Eminem “Guess who’s back. Back again” as Nigel the Farage says he will come back on the scene if there is a hint of Brexit reversal. Fake news quotes has him saying “The bad Bootle Meff has proclaimed himself The King Of Meff’s”

Amazing the amount of Tweets I am reading with people saying up and getting bevied to the election results. I think deep down it was to numb the pain but now it might be a tipple to say “You know what I will take that” 02:30 and things are not that much clearer and it really could come down to fine lines and deals struck. Seems Southport have pissed on our chips. Thats it never getting a Saveaway and going to Southport again for a day out to lose £30 on the arcades though I will miss a bag of chips fromThe Sandgrounder Chippy. Just banged ITV on and they have Gideon and Ed Balls. Assuming Gideon has stayed off the bugle tonight. Amazing Ed Balls can even sit next to him given the stick he received from Gideon and his chums over the dispatch box. Nick Clegg remember him? Not only destroyed the Liberal Democrat Party but now himself. Thats is the sound of chuckling coming from a living room in Aigburth. Lots of movement this hour results wise and a slight lean towards a possible Tory majority but the glass is deffo half full despite only having half a bottle of Desperados Left.

Latest Desperados Count 7 (only one left ughhhh)

Scores on the doors LAB 125 CON 105 SNP 16 DUP 7 LD 2

04:00 Update

Final Update as I need my beauty sleep but rest assured I will be back on it as soon as I wake up. Thats updates not Desperados. First sighting of a comedy candidate and The Official Monster Raving Loony Party (See below) represented by Knigel Knapp got 106 votes in Corbyn’s seat. Andres Mendoza from the Communist League got 7 votes.

We all know Darth May does not like to lose out to Corbyn and she wins again tonight by having the best candidate running against you award though any PM standing normally has this. Obviously as we get into the latter hours things are starting to get a bit silly or is that the fact I have ran out of Desperados and am finishing off on a double vodka and pure orange. I now give you Lord Bucket Head (152 votes) and Bobby Elmo Smith (3 votes)

Jesus its getting light outside. Feels like its 1995 and I have been to a post club sit off in some dodgy house off Walton Road. But its 2017. I am going to bed with the words ” We don’t know the arithmetic” and “We have some reflection to do” Not quite exit poll levels of orgasm but a brighter Britain ahead.

Updates in the morning and no doubt another live election blog sooner than later.

Latest Desperados Count 8 (All gone and on Vodka)

Scores on the doors LAB 212 CON 210 SNP 27 DUP 10 LD 10

10:20 Update

Heading to bed last night it was light in the bedroom and I was trying my best not to wake Mrs Fay up. I was pretty gutted I was not tip toeing around the bedroom in the dawn light after a heavy nights clubbing but how times change and it was in fact after an epic general election night. So woke up about 9am after finally nodding off about 4.30am. A few Paracetamal and some sausage barms and it was back on the election train. So we ended up in hung parliament territory. The Tories are currently like many of my mates in the early 1990’s trying to shag anything possible in the hope of getting over the line. Way back in the day (June 2016) a certain knobhead who didn’t really believe in referendums decided to vote leave. No not to “Send them all home” but my cunning plan was that David Cameron would go if Brexit was voted for and this would give a chance for Corbyn to seize power. Now a lot of water has gone under the political bridge since then but last nights events was a small battle victory but by no means victory in the war. I took a fair amount of stick over voting leave (To the point where to admit you voted leave was classed as a shameful event) and indeed when asked which way I voted had to first get in my random reason in as not to be painted as some crazy UKIP semi racist. I joined the Labour Party to support Corbyn. I attended a rally in town. I got involved a small bit a local level in the Labour Party. Corbyn was taking stick from all angles and indeed from members of his own party but this morning the first step in this ‘Revolution” has taken place. We dare to dream. The fight will be long. But we can get to where we want and a better country for all of us. I can proudly say I had a go whilst many “True” Labour fans at back and scoffed.

For the record we will see another election soon and I don’t think Brexit will happen.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x

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