A sausage roll overdraft into a holiday diet.

So it was just a short day in work on Monday and that bastard time of the year AKA the school summer holidays. With big sprog now old enough to do her own thing I was left with my other two daughters 9 & 5 and so having finished work at 1pm there was only one thing to have for lunch and a trip to The Bread Shop in Aigburth Vale en route for a nice walk down Otterspool Park and then an ice cream on the Promenade itself. So with three sausage rolls and a slush each ordered I thought it would be a good time to get rid of some of my Scottish notes left over from the weekends trip to Edinburgh. As its a local shop I wont risk the £20 and go for the £10 instead. With the kids eager to get down the park it was to my bemusement that the lady serving had to have a Stewards Enquiry and check if the shop could accept it. I said it was Sterling (Unlike the Isle of Man toy money to which my eldest still has a note I had left over) after consulting the head honcho it was declared that this Scottish money was not to be accepted. I had no other money and explained that I was always in here and would pop down later and pay the bill. I did attempt to give my phone number but the lack of a pen meant that they would trust me and lets face it who wouldn’t. Anyways I passed the £20 off when buying ice creams down Otterspool and so had some fine Queens English wedge to pass off in the republic of Aigburth Vale. One of my mottos’s in life is always pay your debts of and that way you can always obtain more drugs , booze and have another bet. So on the way home I went in and settled my £6 debt. I joked with the girls that I have been in debt for some things in my life but this was the first authorised sausage roll overdraft I entered into. Handy to know being a fat bastard and a lover of sausage rolls and expect Mrs Fay and kids to be homeless as The Bread Shop in Aigburth Vale repossess my house for unpaid sausage roll debts.

Staying in the world of food its our family holiday soon followed by a weekend in Ibiza so its that time of year when I think will my Speedo’s fit ? Guttingly (And my gut is big) I have some kind of tendon injury in my left foot so my normal games of footy and jogging have been replaced by walks. Being a fussy eater there is only one diet open to me and rest assured its the best one that works and that is consume less calories and burn off a few more. So time to count those calories and go nil by mouth with white bread aghhhhhhhhhh. Now I reckon I must go on about 15 diets a year. Most start on a Monday 25% have failed by Wednesday and 95% have failed by Friday as I end up having a bevy in the house and this then leads to the rash decision to have a Marks and Spencer’s food festival about 11:30pm in my house whilst listening to some dodgy choons from the eighties. The other 5% of diets are normally successful but the weight is back on sooner rather than later. I strangely normally drop a few pounds on holiday as I do loads of exercise and don’t eat as much due to the heat and lack of available sources for sausage rolls whilst abroad. I will deffo drop a few pounds in Ibiza once my auld disco shoes are back out for one final time (Now on 3rd trip to Ibiza) So here I am wiring this blog trying to work out how many calories in M&S Italian Rose and weighing out 25g of Tesco Onion Rings. What an utterly sad and pathetic existence. It hits you like a sledgehammer how little 2350 calories a day is for a man of luxury eating a drinking habits.

I have just checked with my online bookmaker Paddy Power an I am even money that I have demolished the other 125g of Tesco Onion Rings  by 12am. The cheeky bastards have also got me as 2/1 to go the chippy and 4/1 to get a cab to Berry Street and go my favourite post booze gaff The Botan. Not as much as surprise is 500,000/1 that I get down to my 13st fighting weight. Ahh well those extra few weeks I get out of like for my “healthy’ periods will be well with it when I am sitting in a nappy in a nursing home listening to Cream Classics on the only iPod left working in England. I mean who has iPods when its all downloaded straight into the chip they have put in your body. Speaking of chips that 2/1 is looking a good price.


Fay x x x x x x x x x


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