KLF/JAM’s Day 3 The Last Rites Of Mu

 

 

 

Day three of the KLF/JAM’s event “Welcome To The Dark Ages” and with my job just being a Badger Cull hardcore fan today was the day I would finally see the band perform. Due to my rather easy job there was no need for me to turn up at the cracking and beautiful venue of The Florrie in Liverpool until 16:30 and yes being a self employed mingebag I worked on Friday !! On turning up at The Florrie it was time to get my face painted for the rest of the days events and with 399 other mad people my face was painted white and then black eyes and a nose added to resemble a skull and nothing to do with Badger Kull. So we went upstairs into The Grand Hall and I was one of the first in there when the fire alarm went off due to the smoke machine being used. This quick technical hitch was soon sorted and we were sat down with our hymn book ready The Last Rites Of Mu to begin. In came two coffins and a visual and audio delight began. Like the other two days events it was a real “You had to be there” moment to understand what was going on but the was an announcement of a new adventure in undertaking some group chants of Mu Mufication and then a figure in a KLF/JAM’s robe over their head came on as the choir started the hymn (Again the choir were all randomly picked during Wednesdays job allocation Blog HERE ) The figure took their hood down and it revealed Jarvis Cocker he of The Pulp fame who lead everybody in a re-working of Justified & Ancient. Toxteth Day Of The Dead was in full swing.

So we all filled out of the Great Hall and outside The Florrie where The Great Pull North would begin. It was an exercise that involved pulling the Ice Cream van with Drummond & Cauty inside all the way up to by The Invisible Wind Factory for the Funeral Pyre. There were some bemused locals looking at the unfolding events as 400 people with what they thought was Panda face paint got ready to pull an ice cream van. I spoke to some locals. First up a woman in her early 30’s and an older woman around 70. They had no clue who The KLF where and found the whole thing amusing. Next up I spoke to a fella slightly older than me (I am 43) he said “Is that The KLF  ice cream van” to which I replied “Yes and the KLF are sitting in it” The fella said “Ahhhh I used to get off me barnet listening to them in the early 90’s” At least one of the local residents of Toxteth knew the score. So off we went with a downhill stretch before we hit the flat Sefton Street and right along past The Albert Dock and down onto some wasteland opposite The Invisible Wind Factory. We were starting to cause some traffic chaos and it wasn’t long before the bizzies (Police) turned up and after some discussion with Gimpo things carried on as they seen we were a happy bunch and it was most probably easier to let us finish the Great Pull North and the ice cream van did go onto the side whenever possible. Using my local knowledge I jumped ahead to go to a shop to get a few can of beer for the rest of the march. I walked into the shop with my death makeup on and got a strange look from a man. Once I got to the till the woman serving said the man was her dad and he thought I was going to hold up the shop. I paid for my bevies and said you haven’t seen nothing yet and to expect rush in a few minutes and all kids of madness to pass the shop.

So along the route at some random point yellow poncho’s were handed out just to add to the madness of the event and mine will deffo be getting packed away for Glastonbury 2019. As we walked past The Albert Dock as if by some kind of synchronicity the low sun which was now dark orange was ideally positioned between two of the waterfront buildings adding a cracking photo opportunity. En route I was also collared as the weatherman from Twitter by Peter Guy who writes a music blog “Get into this” we had a nice chat and I caught up with my mates. There 3 mile pull was now complete and we had reached the wasteland where a 23ft funeral pyre ws ready to have the two coffins loaded on and as the skies darkened over the River Mersey the pyre was lit by Drummond & Cauty and a chant of “Mu medication” went up. I had been sending people some pictures and videos of the events and I think my sister was genuinely worried that I had joined some kind of cult or should that be “Kult” as Drummond and Cauty returned with some Perch we headed into the invisible wind factory to see Badger Kull live.

So having never been in the Invisible Wind Factory it was a good venue I will look to get back to at some point and some great choons were being played. Then at 12am the 4 random people that were given the job as Badger Kull performed “Toxteth Day Of The Dead” and with one song that was that. I managed to hang on until 1am and decided it was time for home. I took off the poncho hoping this would increase my chances of getting taxi as I walked back towards Liverpool city centre. Taxi one went straight past. Taxi Two wound his window down “Where you going” I replied “Aigburth” (A decent fare) to which he said I might come back for me (What the fuck is that on your face there is no way your getting in my cab) A small walk and the third cab glady took me and all that was left was for my niece who was babysitting to get into the cab and for my eldest daughter (13 the next day) to remove my make up !!

So that was that. A weird and wonderful three days. So glad I took part. Happy that my allocated job wasn’t too mad but a little bit of me thinks it would have been good to be on the stage during The Last Rites Of Mu but I am not one for being centre of attention. I gained a poncho but dropped by hymn book en route during the march. I also missed out on the graduation certificate signed by The KLF (Was too busy dancing I think) though today on Twitter somebody kindly offered ti post me a spare one. Though not signed this will look great in my office and bring closure to the three days events. There is so much I have missed about the three days but a quick mention of possibly a Toxteth Day Of The Dead in November 2018 and also plans for a human pyramid to be built involving some ashes of people being put into a brick and a pyramid built. All crazy and all mad. So thats it I graduated from “Welcome To The Dark Ages” and time to move on.

So just 24 hours later where I was part of The Great Pull North I was down the Albert Dock for the Liverpool Folk Festival and watching Henry Priestman headline. Two opposite ends of the cultural spectrum in 24 hours but its great to have chances to do things I enjoy. Badger Kull la. I am a hardcore fan. Well I am off to Mu Mu land though talking to friends and family since the majority think I am in la la land !!

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x

 

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The KLF return to Liverpool. Days 1 & 2 #WelcomeToTheDarkAges #BadgerKull

So Wednesday 23rd August 2017 at 00:23 and The KLF aka The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu (Jam’s) drive down Bold Street in their Ice Cream Van and Drummond and Cauty pop into a book shop to do book stampings of their latest book 2023 a trilogy by The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu. The KLF are back and back in my home town of Liverpool and sadly I wasn’t even there to witness it.

This was the start of a three day event in Liverpool. Tickets went on sale a whilst back at £100 a go, hardcore KLF loons only and very little details were released. I did get onto the ticket page but decided against it as it would mean some time off work and yes as some of you know I am a self employed mingebag. So looking on Twitter on Wednesday morning somebody tweeted me saying they had a spare ticket. With much mystery around the event I offered £50 for the ticket and would I just be handing £50 for a wristband that was just a wristband ? Any way as it turned out I met a nice fella called Jim who gave me the ticket and I went into the newly named Dead Perch Lounge and exchanged my ticket for the wristband and I had signed up for 3 days of KLF madness and bought a JAM’s t-shirt in the process.

Wednesday 23rd August 2017

My first instruction was for myself and the other 399 other volunteers must be at Constellations. It is at Constellations you will be given your jobs. So with 399 other KLF/JAM’s nutters crammed into Constellations we awaited our job. When receiving our wristbands we were given a list of skills to sign up for. I picked “Good at stopping traffic” The MC Oliver Senton overseen the draw and as each job was announced names were picked from each bucket (one bucket per skill)  and early doors the name Neil Fay was called. I was to be a Badger Cull hardcore fan (See below) Six random people had been drawn out of the hat to actually be the members of the newly created band Badger Kull thank fuck I didnt get that job. Nice and easy for me being a social media whore. That was it for the afternoon once I had signed the book with name job title and phone number. I bumped into some old school friends I had not seen since 6th Form in Calderstones had a chat and arranged to meet late on in the evening.

The evenings event was to be held in the Black-E a building I had never been in so killing to birds with one stone. It was to be a debate/hearing on why did The K Foundation Burn A Million Quid. Nerds will know all about this and if you don’t the KLF became the K Foundation and burned £1 million pounds in a remote Scottish hut. I will leave you to discover more if you wish but here is a small video.

So on entering the Black-E we were given a shiny new pound coin ? Five experts gave their views on why the K-Foundation burned £1 million pound. This was then followed by a number of witnesses with Gimpo stealing the show for me. We were then asked to put our pound coin into the bucket of  one of the five experts who gave a reason and the winner would be announced. The K-Foundation had put a 23 year silence on this (Ending today 23/08/2017)  and if the winner had less than 23% or 85 pound coins then another 23 years of silence would remain. As for me I went for bucket three and the opinion of Tom Hodgkinson who roughly said it was to get rid of the monies of the last piece of work (KLF) so they could have the hunger and desire to start a new project. After the votes where counted and thankfully with over £85 pends worth of votes (Actually it came in as about £135 and 64 pence ??) the winning reason was “a ceremonial denial of excess a magickal annihilation of value that is part of an ancient tradition of subversive weirdness” the view of Annebella Pollen.

So all that remained was for the members of The Jam’s Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty to appear before the hearing and have bestowed upon them the reason they burned £1 million. Drummond just shrugged and Cauty said “yeah OK”  and that was that day one over and just the brief to turn up at he bombed out church at 10am in the morning.

Thursday 24th August 2017

So I reported to the bombed out church for 10am (Another building I had never been in) and we were placed into two lines. Each line was to be presented a ripped out page of the new book by Drummond or Cauty. I was presented page 64 by Bill Drummond. Once everybody had a page of the book we had to separate into groups based on chapters. Our chapter was Chapter 4 “Seventeen Kilometres” It was then up to us to create something based on this. We decided to do a sign of 17 KM’s. My bit to the artwork was to walk for 17 minutes and bring something back. I ended up at a card shop in Liverpool 1 and bought two helium balloons with a 1 & 7 to represent the 17.

 

We were allowed to use anything we found and somebody located a bucket with the £400 pound coins used for voting from the night before. We also had to pick a word from our page. I chose “Warehouse” it was at this point it was lunchtime and I had the luxury of heading home on the bus for lunch and to walk the dogs !! I headed back to the bombed out church for just after 4pm to see how our piece of art was coming on. It was all sorted. Below is the video from our Chapter leader explaining what we had created. I wonder what happened to the £400 in the bucket ??

I wasn’t planning on hanging around too long but ended up watching presentations from all 23 chapters. Some strange, weird and wonderful stuff was created. I can’t even begin to explain on this blog but it was true;y a case of you had to be there. So the final day today and The Last Rites Of Mu begins at 17.30 at The Florrie and I am sure the final day will be as weird and exciting as the first two. Oh and Badger Kull’s first and only performance. I am a hardcore fan.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x

Found my old school reports 1986 – 1990 Calderstones School

So when we moved into our current house just under 5 years ago I painted it from top to bottom. Along with some building work in converting the loft, knocking the kitchen through and making an office for myself it was when we moved in a brand new house. At this time and with trigger finger in my little finger from so much painting I declared that all painting and decorating in the house had the Fay five year guarantee. Sadly that five years is up but on the plus side the mortgages and boy are there plenty of them are now five years less. It is time to paint the kitchen diner and in the process make it a bit more of a living room with a TV and couch in there. Part of this move was that my iMac is now in my office where I work. Is this all part of a cunning plan by Mrs Fay to completely move me into this room I work in, watch TV in now need to go in to blog and might as well lash a bed in there and I can just live in this one room passing money out to the missus and three kids like Al Bundy. Mind you every cloud and all that the room does host my optics rack. On cleaning out five years of shite that I had accumulated in and around my computer desk there was an old briefcase of my dads that I had never got around to clearing out. Mostly full of old bills etc it did contain several of my school reports from what was the Calderstones Community Comprehensive School. Below is the old glass corridor from Caldies. All since knocked down.

So the reports in there range from Summer 1986 which was the end of my first year right through until May 1990 (Oh yeah the summer after that was the best time of my life) so lets see how I got on at school.

DISCLAIMER if any of my three kids read this it is no way to behave and I expect better. Grades as follows (A) Very Good (B) Satisfactory (C) Poor (D) Disgraceful (E) E’s are good E’s are good he’s Ebeneezer Goode or as the Spion Kop used to sing “He’s a cunt He’s a cunt. The Referee’s a cunt”

So summer 1986 and Home Economics wasn’t going well B/C Neil has not always brought his ingredients in. Lets face facts unless it was beans on toast, sausage rolls or end of term making cornflake cakes and sell them for a fortune in the yard I aint ever getting into this am I !! Its an A for Religious Education praise the lord its a miracle. In French I was showing a flippant attitude. So how did I rock up in first year seniors well “Neil is an enthusiastic, cheerful pupil who shows leadership and organisational skills” Doing well eh “It is a pity he does not always give his best in all aspects of school work” Bastard form teacher that most probably reduced my report bonus of my old man from £10 to £5 and less money to spend on subbuteo.

Year 2 and December 1986 and “Reete Petite” by Jackie Wilson was chrimbo number one. Home Economics had slipped to a (C) Maths had plummeted to (B/C) I was not working to my true potential he is more interested in talking and messing about than concentrating on his work. Not looking good as I had not even discovered the female species yet. Just one (A) in CDT and I am shite at anything like this !!

End of year 2 and Summer 1987  still struggling with English (B/C) did they not know I would be an infamous blog writer. I was too chatty for my own good. Home Economics was back to a (B) I was too often satisfied with the minimum of effort. Give this teacher a medal (see later in the blog) flying with (A)’s in Science, Geography and CDT. A few lates now appearing in the attendance register. Summary is “There should be more whole-hearted praise for a boy of his ability. General school behaviour has left much to be desired this term”

Year 3 and December 1987 and the mighty Pet Shop Boys rocking number one with “Always On My Mind” Looks like the penny finally dropped and no Home Economics grade or comment. I was most probably just making bags full of Cornflake Cakes at home and making a tidy profit in the playground. Still (A) in Geography and weirdly looking back French. I am still talking in English. “Overall a good report but (but underlined) plenty of advice about being more quiet.

End of year 3 and Summer 1988. the shit was about to get real with GCSE’s. Geography was still bringing in an (A) An intelligent pupil who has made progress with hard work. We can see where Geography is going. Even the snidey comments at the bottom say there has been some improvement but Maths and English a worry. They can never write just good things. Always got to get a snide dig in bastard teachers.

Year 4 and December 1988 Cliff Richard was about to murder chrimbo number one this year with “Mistletoe and Wine” Check his internet history la. Strangely no comments from my Geography, History and French teachers. PE says I have shown some good promise playing football. I always recall getting a shite chemistry exam result as I went on a family holiday (22%) but after catching up and retaking the test I got 88%. Overall I must give the teachers a C (Poor) as I was taking 8 GCSE’s and only 5 teachers reported on me. Much room for improvement and they need to concentrate better.

So 5th form and May 1990. I was about to leave school for the summer and have the time of my life. But it was shit hits the fan time for my GCSE’s. Most probably best History did not comment before as it was a (C) and I was lazy an uncooperative in class.  Same goes for French (C) I had not given my full attention. Even Geography was now (B) and a lazy final term. PE was an (A) though but sadly no GCSE in that. I had proved myself to be a very good all round sportsman. So the final comments going into my exams were “A worrying report” said my form teacher. My year head said “Unfortunately Neil has chosen the wrong time to relax his efforts in school. I can only hope he is doing serious revision at home” Well in fact I had just got my first proper girlfriend, was necking copious amounts of Merrydown Cider and Liverpool had just won the league. Oh and World Cup Italia 1990 was just around the corner. What could go wrong ?

Well as my Home Economics teacher hit the nail on the head with “I was too often satisfied with the minimum of effort” wise words in 1987. I got my GCSE’s 1 (B) 5 (C) and 3 (D) enough to get me onto A levels.

A levels D, D and E. Enough to get me on a Human Geography course at the new John Moore University.

My degree and a pass and a BSc Honours in Human Geography (Though it did take an extra year thanks to 051/Cream and Garlands)

Minimum effort but the results in the bag. As for it all well my Human Geography degree has seen me be a bookmaker and then work in Housing and Council Tax benefit. My student loan all £3000 will be written off in about 18 months.

As for me yeah I could have done better. I have the brain just didn’t engage it fully and even job wise after showing some very early promise and ambition at Ladbrokes events in life (losing my parents) made me re-avaluate what I wanted. I have a wife, three kids, a nice house and most importantly my health. That is an A fucking star as far as I am concerned. I have good friends and generally enjoy life

Life report age 43 would be a (B/C) if it was from a school report point of view.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x

Ibiza III (The Retirement)

So after being up at 5.30 am the night before for a flight home from Majorca it was up at 3:30am on Friday morning for a trip to Ibiza. The event an old mate who I went clubbing with back in the day was having his stag weekend. I was a late addition to the trip and only had to get my flight over. Amazed Mrs Fay said yes when I asked her but it was on. After Ibiza 1 (My Stag week) in 2003 and Ibiza II (My mate Dj’ing in Space) 2009 (Click previous link for blog) it was time for Ibiza III (The Retirement) 2017 though in all honesty I have had so many retirements they call me Sugar Ray Fay. So a nice chilled flight and I tried my best to catch up on some sleep I was made up to be sitting next to two pensioners and that there was a booze ban on the 6am flight though there were Police on the flight before we left giving a few people a stern lecture. Anyway at one point the female old biddy was practically leaning on me and later on my arm fell of the table it was leaning on and I ended up virtually on her lap ! Any way the gang met once we were off the plane and an extra body met us in Ibiza Airport coming from Spain to meet us. Indeed the night before I was only 100 miles away on Majorca but had a nice 2000 mile round trip to get to Ibiza. As a few of us were not on the original package we managed in scouse style to blag on the Jet 2 shuttle coach to the hotel. En route we were stuck not far away from our hotel due to a badly parked white van. Different country but same white van man. Anyway some of the lads jumped off the coach one into the open drivers side and others using the van out of the way leaving the way clear for the happy coach driver and they came back onto the bus to cheers and applause. How scouse was this trip gonna be ??  The bus turned the corner and dropped us off 20 meters up the road !!! (They can only drop off in official coach bays) So we entered our hotel the very quiet or not so quiet Ibiza Rocks Hotel. Click on any images for larger version.

So with a quick freshen up and my beach gear on we headed out for a quick few pints and some scran and headed of to venue one for Friday and The Ocean Beach Club. Ocean Beach Ibiza is dedicated to creating a unique and lavish lifestyle experience for those looking for the ideal daytime destination under the Mediterranean sun. Located on the west coast of Ibiza in San Antonio, Ocean Beach is situated along the beautiful S’Arenal waterfront, complete with ocean views by day and the iconic Balearic sunset at night. As we walked towards the beach club we spotted two of the lads billboard AKA Son Of 8.

Into Ocean Beach we headed and as was the story for all the weekend it was VIP all the way and we had our own VIP table booked in the pool and a selection of very expensive bevvies including a massive bottle of vodka of which I ended up having too much. It was a cracking bunch of lads of which half I had not met and the stags dad who I had a good chat to and god knows what he made of the weekend as I was blown away and amazed by it. Lots of beautiful people at Ocean Beach and it was a struggle to breath in all of the time and I was thankful that I had previously shaved my “Missing link” hairy gorilla back ! Time for a group photo and as the day merged into evening a few off us decided we would have a quick turnaround at the hotel and head down to watch the glorious Ibizan sunset.

 

So we headed first to Cafe Del Mar and what is my spiritual home in Ibiza. Having collected many of their early compilation CD’s and their choons aiding many a post club recovery in the 1990’s it’s always nice to be back home in Ibiza and the sunset was looking like being a very good one. We then headed next door to Cafe Mambo. The ale was taking its toll and when the theme to the Godfather was played perfectly to match a stunning sunset that last flicker of the sun went under the distant ocean and we awaited the last light of the evening to pass and it was time for Ibiza night number one. I say night number one this was just the warm up to the main event on Saturday so when feeling suitably pissed I headed home on my own for the 10 min walk back to the hotel. What can go wrong. Well using GPS on my phone after about 30 mins I ended up at some other Ibiza Rocks building. Jesus Christ how have I managed that. I decided to do a Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars film and when Obi Wan says switch his target off and “Trust Your Feelings” I did just that and made it home in about another 20 mins. I was that tired from my previous two early starts for travel and pissed that I failed to hear my roommate knock when he come home and even when he eventually got a key he still didnt wake me up bringing another lad back for a bevy. I must have needed that beauty sleep.

Day 2 and up early but with no time for breakfast it was a taxi down to the harbour to get on our super yacht. It was much better than I expected. With a couple of nice bedrooms and a nice living room and space outdoors to chill. We headed off and I took a seasick tablet just in case to help settle the copious amount of free ale again. Yeah yeah tablets and Ibiza I know !! A first stop and a chance to swim in the deep sea. Straight in no messing even though there was a rouge jellyfish about but the captain was keeping an eye out. Being a fitness freak (ha ha) there was a small island not too far away and the captain said it was Ok to swim out to so off I went. I felt a slight shaving rash half way and thought it was the saltwater and after a small walk on the island I headed back to the boat and this time felt a sharp sting on my upper left arm. Oh yes not one but two jellyfish stings. So who was I gonna nominate out of the lads to urinate on me to relive the sting ? Luckily enough the captains mate had a special sting scraper and some sting gel which sorted me out and he said I had just been glanced twice as if the fuckers had got me properly I would have known about it !! Lets just say that was the end of my sea adventures and one of the lads who was put off by my stings decided just to cool his feet but he got stung anyway. So we sailed around the beautiful island of Ibiza and eventually pulled up on what was effectively a car park for rich boats. We awaited the taxi boat to come and get us and we headed to the very upmarket Blue Marlin Restaurant Marina Ibiza. It was a pricey gaff with burger and chips at 55 Euro’s. I opted for just chips and a pint instead.

So we headed back to the port taking in another stop and as the sun began to set on another Ibiza evening the champagne was cracked open and we all headed back with a smile on our faces ready for the main event and a night at Amnesia hosted by Elrow. One last chill on the boat and a few drinks in the room and we headed off in taxis to the club about 12.30. So again fully treated to the VIP experience with a position on the balcony overlooking the already large crowded dance floor it was time for a few vodka red bulls to get me in the mood and we were given a few hat accessories to help us get in the party mood with the picture of me the final picture before the madness of the night and next day was to take hold.

So not long after the above picture I ditched my ladybird hat but had found a microphone I headed downstairs into the club and to be honest the rest of the night is mainly a blur and all images and videos have been censored. If there is no evidence from my clubbing heydays in the 1990’s the I certainly aint letting that be ruined now in 2017. It was a belter night and reminded me of all previous good times. We all had a ball though what Bernard the stags dad who was in his 60’s must have made of it god can only know. I do know he lasted until about 5am before heading off home. Well as for most of us we left just before closing at 8am and into the already hot Ibiza sun we headed back to the hotel and a small cafe by it for a G&T for breakfast. We bumped into another gang of scousers and had a few more drinks before heading up to a room. There was a all day pool party at our Ibiza Rocks hotel but we couldn’t physically make it down there instead listening to the choons from a balcony. Come 5pm it was time for bed and a decent chance I would sleep through until the plane on Monday morning. It was only 5 mins back to our room but as we got about 10m away there was a security guard who said we must go the long way around. I pleaded in my very unfit state but he said no it was only a few mins extra. About 20 mins later we came down the stairs by him and he just had a wry smile on his face as it had took so long to play the Ibiza Rocks Crystal Maze we then walked the extra 10m past him hmmmmmmmmm. So literally straight asleep as soon as I got in the room I was stirred about 7.30pm by somebody coming into our room and using a phone light to go for a piss. I thought it must be one of the other lads coming to check if we were going out that night. He finished his piss and moved around the very dark room but then silence. Ahh one of the lads must be dossing on out couch again. A few mins passed and completed silence. This had worried Moses my room mate who put the room light on. There was a young lad just in his shorts standing there. “What the fuck are you doing” said Moses to which the lad (Irish by his accent) tried to speak but was just about capable of saying a mumbled sorry after about 40 second she shuffled out of the room saying sorry a few times and out of the door. The poor lad looked more shocked than we were. Obviously worse for wear he must have lost his key and thought his room was 124 getting a replacement key. Imagine the relief of making it home and navigating a dark room to find two men in your bed. A surreal ending to the holiday and me and Moses both went back to sleep and woke up at 6am the next day to catch up sleep lost from the crazy Saturday night.

So the plane home Monday wasn’t as bad as I expected though one of the lads had left his passport in the hotel and had to get it delivered by another lad who was coming home later. I was back in my house for around 3pm and with two more much needed days off work after returned to work today after two weeks off and two holidays !! Back to normal now and as I said when in Ibiza. Normal is very underrated as when your hungover and fucked all you want to do is get back to normal. Many thanks again to Paul (The Stag) who organised the whole trip who I did want to thank in person but not when I was pissed and wrecked but straight headed to make it more sincere but slept through. Apologies to the other lads I did not make it out Sunday but as you can read it was never going to happen after events and I would have come home to find an Irishman in my bed if I had. Again I can’t thank Paul enough for the whole weekend. You have made an old man very happy and given me memories that will last lifetime. I hope the wedding goes well and you and your missus have a lovely life together filled with love and fun.

Oh yeah thats me retired again.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x

7 days in sunny Spain (Seaclub – Alcudia)

Wednesday

So awake for 4am for the struggle to the airport and the cab ordered was 10 mins late. I am a stickler for time and try my best not to get worked up with pre travel stress but everything else went to plan apart from a 10 min wait on the runway and before you know it you get off the plane and you get hit by the heat and go wow were on holiday and its hot. Sadly with the stairs on the plane going straight into the airport we missed out on this treat. A bit f a heatwave hitting Spain at present and temperatures edging up into the high 30’s in Majorca and only marginally cooler in our resort of Alcudia. Go the coach dropped us off at out apartments (Seaclub) and a small wait for the room to get ready so might as well have a beer by the pool and use of my Spanish language “Dos Bier por vavor” The room was soon ready and the entire family were soon in the pool to cool of from the blistering Spanish sun. Holly was just looking out of the coach window on the way to the apartments and I remember that feeling of wow a few hours ago I was getting dragged out of my bed in a cold England and here I am in the warm Spanish climate looking out out the baron landscape just a few hours later. Quite bemusing for a young one. The moobs were out and the freshly de-haired back of mine (Its normally like something from a missing link beast) was on show and I was soon getting bettered for a large lilo bill from my three kids. Just a quiet evening after a siesta and a meal (served very slowly) and a beer back at the hotel means I didn’t even make it to a boozer on day one. It was that hot we all went for a midnight swim and then a few more drinks on the balcony and it was time to get our head down in out air conditioned room. I say air-conditioned more like slightly cooled room and I resigned myself to a seven day Betty Swollocks festival in bed !!

Friday

So Friday morning and my first morning walk to get away from the wife and three kids for an hour to do a rekky on the resort and the way I went I didn’t find much. On coming back into out complex the sloths that were all inclusive had managed to drag themselves away from their feasts and do some holiday water aerobics. This was just a mirage of an assorted wobbly bits in varying stages of colour from stark white, through to brown with a lot on red/pink in-between. Many other people I know on holiday at the moment and one person posted a picture of their teenage son who has lost the ability to smile now he is 13 years old. Glued to his hand was his iPhone. A sad reflection on kids today (Mine included) so I posted a comment below the Facebook picture about this with the irony I was actually on the free wifi in my apartment posting on my MacBook. I too am just a bad a slave to technology though my excuse was I needed to get out of the sun for a bit and don’t have my phone welded to my arm. More pool fun with the kids and playing about on our jarg go pro (Yes more technology) and will post a few pics/videos at the end of this blog. After a siesta we headed out for the evening about 8:30 and the kids continued this chicken nugget festival and in good old holiday pub style played a game of family fortunes as we eat our food. The kids were tired this evening as they hadn’t had a siesta and this showed as the little bastards they were narky and middle sprog having a particular explosion of bad behaviour which was eventually calmed down after The United Nations had been called in to settle things down. The evening was wound down with a few bevies on the balcony and the two youngest finally went to sleep and the eldest stayed up with us finding it amusing that earlier in the day I had come in for a Jamon Ruffles crisp butty and when I went to walk to the pool found an extra Ruffle in my chest hair that I then eat !

Saturday

Another post 9am lie in and then a lovely walk down to the small harbour set me up for the day. Starting to get bored in the day now as the heat is relentless so been going out with individual children to the arcade and get an ice cream (And that was just my treat) After last nights misbehaviour due to tiredness it was siesta time for team Fay and all five of us were asleep at one point. This meant the evening was much better and Elizabeth was made up as we found somewhere to eat with decent wifi so she could download episodes of something se watches to her phone. We actually ended up having a few drinks this evening and the kids kept themselves amused in the arcades. At one point I was watching Sky Sports but it had two young man playing FIFA Football 2017. Whats that all about ? Even sadder I was actually watching it !! On the way home we went to a bar with a parrot outside which was keeping us amused and no we are not getting one kids. The evening was rounded off with the traditional balcony drinks and the eldest Elizabeth (Nearly 13) joined us with a Koppaberg. Though just the one as she has plenty of time on her hands to join an episode of Boozed up Brits abroad.

Sunday

Just a smaller walk in the morning today after another post 9am lie in (I could get used to these) The good news is that the heat was down a notch to bloody roasting levels. To relieve the boredom today I went on an adventure with the little one to all 6 pools in the complex. Afternoon entertainment was a game of Mario Kart on the Nintendo Switch and then I bailed out to the pub on my own to watch the second half of the Charity Shield. Me and Mrs Fay then had a few drinks in the early evening sun around the pool as the kids have made friends and we popped over the road and brought some food in for the kids. We were thinking of going all inclusive for the last few days but decided against it as the kids haven’t been hassling us for that much in the way of drinks and also to get our moneys worth I would end up on the ale at 9am and possibly end up on Boozed up Brits abroad myself and I wanted to save that for my second trip to Spain (Ibiza) on Friday. So we ended up with some “cloud heads” playing bingo at 5 Euro’s a pop but never got close to winning. The star prize in the second game was a tidy 130 Euros. The normal arcade & ice cream/crepes was part of the evening and the kids were in bed handy as no siesta and just me and Mrs Fay sat on the balcony tonight so I didn’t have to share my Koppaberg.

Monday

Pool, scran and beers. Becoming a bit repetitive this. 7 days is deffo my limit as I am not the type of person who can just sit in the sun for endless hours. Keeping myself amused by taking the kids individually around the “Six swimming pool challenge” Has the daily event of the suncream woman coming around trying to sell some expensive shit. I have only just started banging some factor 30 on my balding bonce. A bit of a change this evening and we had a nice walk along the beach down to the main centre of Alcudia and a lovely meal followed by the kids going on some rides and a long slow walk back up to the apartments as the taxi queue was crazy. Familiar story again and late night drinks on the balcony but mixed things up with a milk chocolate Lion bar tonight.

Tuesday

Tuesday was designated beach day. I say day but it was really an hour max as sand gets everywhere and despite the odd cloud it was still bloody hot. Having got back to the pool the sun decided to do one around 4pm so it was time to hit the grog as it would be our last night party as we are up at 6am on Thursday to get the bus to the airport. The sad task of packing away started remembering to leave enough space to smuggle as many packs of Jamon Ruffles home that is humanly possible. in other news a foot long sausage roll has been announced for just £1 and it was amazing how many people over various social media platforms tagged me with this. I truly an the sausage roll king. So we ended up having a fair few drinks. The youngest Holly was riding her luck winning teddies from those grab machines. Again late night drinks on the balcony after we had one last stop at a Scottish Pub (Och ayeeeee)

Wednesday

The final push and the big question when awaking was has that bloody cloud gone. Well the grey blanket that developed yesterday has gone but there are some fluffy white clouds about but they give you a nice break from the sun so time to supertan the moons today. One final morning walk and the longest at 4 miles. No more post 9am lies in as its 6am tomorrow for a flight home and about 3.30am Friday for a flight back out to Ibiza (Could have done the 100 miles on a lilo) and no doubt a magical if slightly censored blog of the tales of a crazy stag weekend in Ibiza. Eeeking put every last bit of sun it was tome to head out for a final meal. Normally chosen for best food but this year chosen for best wifi. We live in modern times. A final few beers and an early night as up for 5.30am. The kids had one last late night swim and me and missus Fay had one last drink on the balcony.

So the long slog home went without a hitch and back home for just after 1.30pm. Both out dogs were very exited to see us and planet reality hit as i was soon picking dog shit up on Sudley Field. A lovely holiday with the family and lots of memories made. Cant wait for my own bed and a nice lie in to recover from todays effort of getting home. Oh hang on 3.30am alarm clock and Ibiza. All to be told in the next blog as and when I have recovered  from that.

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