Found my old school reports 1986 – 1990 Calderstones School

So when we moved into our current house just under 5 years ago I painted it from top to bottom. Along with some building work in converting the loft, knocking the kitchen through and making an office for myself it was when we moved in a brand new house. At this time and with trigger finger in my little finger from so much painting I declared that all painting and decorating in the house had the Fay five year guarantee. Sadly that five years is up but on the plus side the mortgages and boy are there plenty of them are now five years less. It is time to paint the kitchen diner and in the process make it a bit more of a living room with a TV and couch in there. Part of this move was that my iMac is now in my office where I work. Is this all part of a cunning plan by Mrs Fay to completely move me into this room I work in, watch TV in now need to go in to blog and might as well lash a bed in there and I can just live in this one room passing money out to the missus and three kids like Al Bundy. Mind you every cloud and all that the room does host my optics rack. On cleaning out five years of shite that I had accumulated in and around my computer desk there was an old briefcase of my dads that I had never got around to clearing out. Mostly full of old bills etc it did contain several of my school reports from what was the Calderstones Community Comprehensive School. Below is the old glass corridor from Caldies. All since knocked down.

So the reports in there range from Summer 1986 which was the end of my first year right through until May 1990 (Oh yeah the summer after that was the best time of my life) so lets see how I got on at school.

DISCLAIMER if any of my three kids read this it is no way to behave and I expect better. Grades as follows (A) Very Good (B) Satisfactory (C) Poor (D) Disgraceful (E) E’s are good E’s are good he’s Ebeneezer Goode or as the Spion Kop used to sing “He’s a cunt He’s a cunt. The Referee’s a cunt”

So summer 1986 and Home Economics wasn’t going well B/C Neil has not always brought his ingredients in. Lets face facts unless it was beans on toast, sausage rolls or end of term making cornflake cakes and sell them for a fortune in the yard I aint ever getting into this am I !! Its an A for Religious Education praise the lord its a miracle. In French I was showing a flippant attitude. So how did I rock up in first year seniors well “Neil is an enthusiastic, cheerful pupil who shows leadership and organisational skills” Doing well eh “It is a pity he does not always give his best in all aspects of school work” Bastard form teacher that most probably reduced my report bonus of my old man from £10 to £5 and less money to spend on subbuteo.

Year 2 and December 1986 and “Reete Petite” by Jackie Wilson was chrimbo number one. Home Economics had slipped to a (C) Maths had plummeted to (B/C) I was not working to my true potential he is more interested in talking and messing about than concentrating on his work. Not looking good as I had not even discovered the female species yet. Just one (A) in CDT and I am shite at anything like this !!

End of year 2 and Summer 1987  still struggling with English (B/C) did they not know I would be an infamous blog writer. I was too chatty for my own good. Home Economics was back to a (B) I was too often satisfied with the minimum of effort. Give this teacher a medal (see later in the blog) flying with (A)’s in Science, Geography and CDT. A few lates now appearing in the attendance register. Summary is “There should be more whole-hearted praise for a boy of his ability. General school behaviour has left much to be desired this term”

Year 3 and December 1987 and the mighty Pet Shop Boys rocking number one with “Always On My Mind” Looks like the penny finally dropped and no Home Economics grade or comment. I was most probably just making bags full of Cornflake Cakes at home and making a tidy profit in the playground. Still (A) in Geography and weirdly looking back French. I am still talking in English. “Overall a good report but (but underlined) plenty of advice about being more quiet.

End of year 3 and Summer 1988. the shit was about to get real with GCSE’s. Geography was still bringing in an (A) An intelligent pupil who has made progress with hard work. We can see where Geography is going. Even the snidey comments at the bottom say there has been some improvement but Maths and English a worry. They can never write just good things. Always got to get a snide dig in bastard teachers.

Year 4 and December 1988 Cliff Richard was about to murder chrimbo number one this year with “Mistletoe and Wine” Check his internet history la. Strangely no comments from my Geography, History and French teachers. PE says I have shown some good promise playing football. I always recall getting a shite chemistry exam result as I went on a family holiday (22%) but after catching up and retaking the test I got 88%. Overall I must give the teachers a C (Poor) as I was taking 8 GCSE’s and only 5 teachers reported on me. Much room for improvement and they need to concentrate better.

So 5th form and May 1990. I was about to leave school for the summer and have the time of my life. But it was shit hits the fan time for my GCSE’s. Most probably best History did not comment before as it was a (C) and I was lazy an uncooperative in class.  Same goes for French (C) I had not given my full attention. Even Geography was now (B) and a lazy final term. PE was an (A) though but sadly no GCSE in that. I had proved myself to be a very good all round sportsman. So the final comments going into my exams were “A worrying report” said my form teacher. My year head said “Unfortunately Neil has chosen the wrong time to relax his efforts in school. I can only hope he is doing serious revision at home” Well in fact I had just got my first proper girlfriend, was necking copious amounts of Merrydown Cider and Liverpool had just won the league. Oh and World Cup Italia 1990 was just around the corner. What could go wrong ?

Well as my Home Economics teacher hit the nail on the head with “I was too often satisfied with the minimum of effort” wise words in 1987. I got my GCSE’s 1 (B) 5 (C) and 3 (D) enough to get me onto A levels.

A levels D, D and E. Enough to get me on a Human Geography course at the new John Moore University.

My degree and a pass and a BSc Honours in Human Geography (Though it did take an extra year thanks to 051/Cream and Garlands)

Minimum effort but the results in the bag. As for it all well my Human Geography degree has seen me be a bookmaker and then work in Housing and Council Tax benefit. My student loan all £3000 will be written off in about 18 months.

As for me yeah I could have done better. I have the brain just didn’t engage it fully and even job wise after showing some very early promise and ambition at Ladbrokes events in life (losing my parents) made me re-avaluate what I wanted. I have a wife, three kids, a nice house and most importantly my health. That is an A fucking star as far as I am concerned. I have good friends and generally enjoy life

Life report age 43 would be a (B/C) if it was from a school report point of view.


Fay x x x x x x x x x


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