“Operation : Sausage and Chips”

Day 1 Friday 24th November 

So on Friday I had a day off. Yippeeeeee. By the time I had gone for a jog, walked the dogs, seen a mortgage advisor and been the hospital in no particular order by the time I finally sat down it was nearly 3pm !!! Mrs Fay had already left for a weekend away and I managed to say goodbye in gap on my busy day off. If you ever want to get  state secret out of me just put me in a cottage with Mrs Fay and several of her drunken mates and I will tell you any anything you want to know. The drunken “cackle” would soon have me giving in and spilling the beans. I remember getting a black cab home once with 4 of Mrs Fay’s mates. We were all pissed but the noise they made I felt like I was in The Matrix and outside of what they were saying (very loud) and in my own bubble thinking “what the fuck are they on” So youngest sprog was picked up and packed off to a party. She had won you will get person of the week at least once as everybody wins person of the week. Middle sprog was being taken to Pizza Hutt and oldest sprog was sitting in the front room with her boyfriend. Jesus how is my 5 week premature, 3 pound little bundle of fun sitting in the front room with her boyfriend ?? My adoring 13 year old daughter normally lives in her bedroom in the loft and we get the occasional grunt out of her but sorry you aint taking any lads up there as believe it or not I was a teenage boy once and you aint kidding a kidda who has kidded thousands. So to keep the peace on Friday it was a games night with the younger two and a selection of goodies to keep them quiet. I eventually managed to get “Sprog the older” downstairs on the promise that she could watch that Jungle bollocks with middle sprog and young sprog was packed off with “iPad in bed” and occupying the space that Mrs Fay normally had in our giant double bed. On the plus side no Mrs Fay breaking wind and flailing her arms over my side of the bed and I could have Test Match Special on the radio without any complaints. So thats a successful day one of “Operation Sausages and Chips” and I even managed a few beers along the way and still have the sausage and chips joker up my sleeve.

Day 2 Saturday 25th November

So as mentioned I let the youngest stay in Mrs Fays speck in the bed and it went like this 07:20 Holly “Can I have the iPad” Me “Yes its by your bed” 07:25 Holly “I need a wee” Me “Just go for one” (An internal expletive let out) 7:30 Holly “My iPad has ran out of charge” Me “Here have mine” (Several internal expletives let out) 07:32 I have to go for a piss and mutter an expletive and yes I am awake !! First up and a trip to take the eldest ice skating and a chance for me and Holly to go the big B&M in Widnes and buy a load of goodies and add several items to her Christmas list. Once ice skating was out of the way we headed to Pavilion play group chrimbo fair at the end of our road. Even managed to take the dogs to Sefton Park with the kids and return to the fair. The mother and father in law had a stall there and done quite well of it. This was followed up by a trip to Mossley Hill chrimbo fair. Time for a bit of algebra………… 3 x kids at chrimbo fair squared = just a bit cheaper than going to the Apple shop in town. We came back with several wins on the chocolate tombola and Holly got some books she was chuffed with. Well that will be my one trip into a church for a year and the big man didn’t strike me down. 17:25pm and the five minute warning for the kids. “Alert Alert all children must go upstairs for the duration of the football. Please ensure you tale all iPads upstairs and keep any noise down to a minimum. Food will be provided (If you are good)” The kids were good and they were supplied with some scran from Pizza Park. My teenage daughters boyfriend popped around again. Yes your sitting downstairs again son. Then a repeat of last night and young sprog is in our bed with new instructions RE iPad in the morning IE Don’t bloody wake me up and if you need a wee just go you don’t need my permission. The two elder sprogs watched Jungle Bollocks on ITV again and I had a Desperados and checked out the new Noel Gallagher album. So thats a successful day two of “Operation Sausages and Chips” and not a sausage or chip in sight or any vitamins or that green food you can eat I think its called veg or something.

Day 3 Sunday 26th November

So a bit more of a lie in to 8.25 am and I turned over and Holly was watching her iPad and said ‘Good morning daddy” and then broke wind much to her amusement (Don’t know where she picks these things up from) I then walked the dogs and brought the kids breakfast in bed up.  I Decided to give the kids some fresh air by a trip to Speke retail with the promise of they could add more things to their chrimbo list. Spent about half an hour in Smyths toy store and that was just me looking at console games and a Playstation VR. I had just one more meal to prepare before Mrs Fay was back and so it was an M&S lunch and who doesn’t like sausages rolls, a selection of Percy Pigs and a festive version of Colin The Caterpillar.

So the eldest went to the pictures with her boyfriend and I warned her to stay off the back row ! The other two sprogs were engrossed playing with their new Lego Dimensions figures and I was left to watch the new and brilliant ongoing comedy that is Everton Football Club. Almost starting to feel sorry for my blue mates. What the hell is going on ? So Mrs Fay arrived home around 5pm and that was the end of a very successful “Operation : Sausage and Chips” Kids were good as gold all weekend and we all had fun a few late night and lots of treats and we didnt even have sausage and chips !!


Fay x x x x x x x x x


Progress : The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

So the first blog for ages. Themed around Progress and no its not a blog on the sixth studio album from Take that featuring all five of the band including that Tory tax dodging twat Barlow, the fat dancer and three other plebs Mrs Fay quite enjoys going to see ??  Don’t know why there has been a blog drought. Maybe my createtive juices had dried up and maybe I was spending all my spare time saying profanities at the television whilst playing new games Grand Turismo Sport  a racing car simulation and Super Mario Odyssey. Never mind your violent 18 games Grand Theft Auto that little fucker Mario is enough to make you swear when you fall off a ledge right near the end of a level and you have to go back to the start. Since the last blog Everton have lost their manger and made little progress on getting a new one though now Robert Mugabe is free maybe its time to make their move.

So “Progress” The Good : Having been to see a specialist I was given the green light to start the long road of training to the 2018 London marathon. Things are going well and I will be up to 7 miles this week. My smaller runs have seen my mile times decrease and the next thing is to drop those excess pounds I put on during my period out injured for 3 months. At the age of 44 I already know that this will be harder than ever. I should be up to around 12 miles by chrimbo and then push on in 2018 for the hard work and the even harder work of staying off the ale until the race is completed. Still getting a niggle or two from my achilles and I have some physiotherapy scheduled for early December. So if that goes well expect a just giving page to be set up and I promise not to harass you all too much.

“Progress” The Bad : So walking the dogs on Monday up Sudley Field I noticed a group of people planting a lot of trees. I stopped and had a chat with the people and they were planting 420 trees of five various species to commemorate the war and hope to create a corridor of trees. How is this bad I hear you say. Give me a chance eh. The trees were each individually planted in a tube and they were very small trees. I remember back when I was about 8 there were a few larger saplings planted around the edge of the field and two in particular trees which were staked with thick wooden posts made the ideal space for a goal. The trees survived and over 35 years later are now only just small trees. This made me think that these even smaller saplings will take an age to grow and the cold hard fact hit me that I will not even get to see these trees mature to any level. That is the bad but future generations of Fay’s will get to see these 420 trees. Sad to report that by Wednesday afternoon a few of the trees were already bent due to what I assume was over playful dogs as the North Face Ket Wig ninja’s aren’t on the field now as its too muddy. I promise to be a custodian of these trees being up the field a lot and chase any scallies though to be honest they normally sit on the other side of the field smoking weed so will be in the not arsed state and the hike over the other side of the field will be too much when stoned. It was brought to my attention when I tweeted about these 420 trees being planted and the fact I would not see them grow into mature trees that 420 is in fact a code term form cannabis. Now unless I have got things wrong the several gentlemen all over 65 years of age who were planting the trees do not come across as drug dealers but again I will be keeping a special eye on these plants just incase they are of the “Four Twenty” variety.

As sent to me on Twitter “My heart is glad, my heart is high with sudden ecstasy. I have given back, before I die some thanks for every tree that dead men grew for me” Albert Camus

“Progress” The Ugly : Back in the day on Sudley Field when the 1980’s saplings were planted there were (and still are) several footy pitches on there. We often waited for the elderly man to place his string markers along the field and paint the white lines for the pitches and once the goals were up pounced in them for a quick game before Aigburth Peoples Hall came out to play. Traditional white lines created by an old skool line machine pushed by hand and everything was done to perfection well apart from that one time somebody mixed the lime potion wrong and the paint started bubbling due to some adverse chemical reaction. Today the lines on the pitch had been painted. Not by an expert line painter who had honed his craft over several years but by some fella driving a mini tractor. His line art was at best poor and its was a slap dash effort. The lines created are ugly enough but his mini tractor crated two tyre mark lines making the pitch look more like its just had a drag race on rather than it being delicately prepared for a football match. Sometimes despite technology it is better to do it the old way. Most probably down to austerity and tractor man can do the job of several experts who were each in charge of their own field/set of pitches. Progress eh !


“My heart is glad, the ache was in my back. For those lines I lovingly created until the dark are now replaced with a tractor and a skid mark” Neil George Fay


Fay x x x x x x x x x

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