“Operation : Sausage and Chips”

Day 1 Friday 24th November 

So on Friday I had a day off. Yippeeeeee. By the time I had gone for a jog, walked the dogs, seen a mortgage advisor and been the hospital in no particular order by the time I finally sat down it was nearly 3pm !!! Mrs Fay had already left for a weekend away and I managed to say goodbye in gap on my busy day off. If you ever want to get  state secret out of me just put me in a cottage with Mrs Fay and several of her drunken mates and I will tell you any anything you want to know. The drunken “cackle” would soon have me giving in and spilling the beans. I remember getting a black cab home once with 4 of Mrs Fay’s mates. We were all pissed but the noise they made I felt like I was in The Matrix and outside of what they were saying (very loud) and in my own bubble thinking “what the fuck are they on” So youngest sprog was picked up and packed off to a party. She had won you will get person of the week at least once as everybody wins person of the week. Middle sprog was being taken to Pizza Hutt and oldest sprog was sitting in the front room with her boyfriend. Jesus how is my 5 week premature, 3 pound little bundle of fun sitting in the front room with her boyfriend ?? My adoring 13 year old daughter normally lives in her bedroom in the loft and we get the occasional grunt out of her but sorry you aint taking any lads up there as believe it or not I was a teenage boy once and you aint kidding a kidda who has kidded thousands. So to keep the peace on Friday it was a games night with the younger two and a selection of goodies to keep them quiet. I eventually managed to get “Sprog the older” downstairs on the promise that she could watch that Jungle bollocks with middle sprog and young sprog was packed off with “iPad in bed” and occupying the space that Mrs Fay normally had in our giant double bed. On the plus side no Mrs Fay breaking wind and flailing her arms over my side of the bed and I could have Test Match Special on the radio without any complaints. So thats a successful day one of “Operation Sausages and Chips” and I even managed a few beers along the way and still have the sausage and chips joker up my sleeve.

Day 2 Saturday 25th November

So as mentioned I let the youngest stay in Mrs Fays speck in the bed and it went like this 07:20 Holly “Can I have the iPad” Me “Yes its by your bed” 07:25 Holly “I need a wee” Me “Just go for one” (An internal expletive let out) 7:30 Holly “My iPad has ran out of charge” Me “Here have mine” (Several internal expletives let out) 07:32 I have to go for a piss and mutter an expletive and yes I am awake !! First up and a trip to take the eldest ice skating and a chance for me and Holly to go the big B&M in Widnes and buy a load of goodies and add several items to her Christmas list. Once ice skating was out of the way we headed to Pavilion play group chrimbo fair at the end of our road. Even managed to take the dogs to Sefton Park with the kids and return to the fair. The mother and father in law had a stall there and done quite well of it. This was followed up by a trip to Mossley Hill chrimbo fair. Time for a bit of algebra………… 3 x kids at chrimbo fair squared = just a bit cheaper than going to the Apple shop in town. We came back with several wins on the chocolate tombola and Holly got some books she was chuffed with. Well that will be my one trip into a church for a year and the big man didn’t strike me down. 17:25pm and the five minute warning for the kids. “Alert Alert all children must go upstairs for the duration of the football. Please ensure you tale all iPads upstairs and keep any noise down to a minimum. Food will be provided (If you are good)” The kids were good and they were supplied with some scran from Pizza Park. My teenage daughters boyfriend popped around again. Yes your sitting downstairs again son. Then a repeat of last night and young sprog is in our bed with new instructions RE iPad in the morning IE Don’t bloody wake me up and if you need a wee just go you don’t need my permission. The two elder sprogs watched Jungle Bollocks on ITV again and I had a Desperados and checked out the new Noel Gallagher album. So thats a successful day two of “Operation Sausages and Chips” and not a sausage or chip in sight or any vitamins or that green food you can eat I think its called veg or something.

Day 3 Sunday 26th November

So a bit more of a lie in to 8.25 am and I turned over and Holly was watching her iPad and said ‘Good morning daddy” and then broke wind much to her amusement (Don’t know where she picks these things up from) I then walked the dogs and brought the kids breakfast in bed up.  I Decided to give the kids some fresh air by a trip to Speke retail with the promise of they could add more things to their chrimbo list. Spent about half an hour in Smyths toy store and that was just me looking at console games and a Playstation VR. I had just one more meal to prepare before Mrs Fay was back and so it was an M&S lunch and who doesn’t like sausages rolls, a selection of Percy Pigs and a festive version of Colin The Caterpillar.

So the eldest went to the pictures with her boyfriend and I warned her to stay off the back row ! The other two sprogs were engrossed playing with their new Lego Dimensions figures and I was left to watch the new and brilliant ongoing comedy that is Everton Football Club. Almost starting to feel sorry for my blue mates. What the hell is going on ? So Mrs Fay arrived home around 5pm and that was the end of a very successful “Operation : Sausage and Chips” Kids were good as gold all weekend and we all had fun a few late night and lots of treats and we didnt even have sausage and chips !!


Fay x x x x x x x x x


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