The Fay Family Holiday 2018 – Pontins (Southport)

So we were all up last Thursday nice and early to catch the first Merseryrail train to Southport for The Fay Family holiday to Pontins (Southport) It had been a tough year as a freelance worker but I counted up the 5p jar and the family needed a much needed pick me up so I treated them to a holiday. In reality the 5p jar is empty but thanks to credit cards “tarting” it was a week in Cyprus and a return to Avanti Village in Cyprus where we went in 2015. There is a whole wide world out there and I dont like going back to places but the kids enjoyed it and with only going for a week we could dive straight into holiday mode without having to find out where to go in the resort etc so made a return visit.

So with the flight out going all as planned and the kids amazed at TV’s in the seat in front (Even if there were like something from the year 2000) we were eventually in the pool for about 4pm and time for a beer at the swim up bar showing off my newly Veeted (Immac for old skoolers) back to stop me looking like a cousin of Chewbakka. Once that was done it was time to head the supermarket and stock up on Keo beer and munchies. To my amazement there were no Jamon Ruffles. The highlight of any previous family holiday is sitting on the veranda half pissed on a balmy evening in just my shorts scoffing a Jamon Ruffles crisp butty. Then when finished locating several dropped ruffles in my chest hair (Cant shave that off as it would show how big my moobs are) and having a second helping of Ruffles.

So the first proper full day Friday and I was dragged out by the kids to get some lilo’s. Now the world of lilo’s has moved on since I were a lad and you just got a red one (For Liverpool) and it cost about 200 Pesetas. This years trend was the unicorn lilo coming it at around 30 Euro’s. Now I have three daughters and wasn’t spending 90 Euro’s on bloody lilo’s thus denting The Desperados kitty and after many shops outing for prices and varieties I got them down to a smaller Pink Flamingo and a Whale. Flamingo made it home but the Whale burst on day 1 !! Some of the lilo’s stretched into the 50 euro’s bracket (Giant grapefruits and double ringed Unicorns) Based on the lilo’s for sale I roughly calculated that 5% of the GDP of Cyprus is from the sales of lilos.

Now the Germans historically get stick for putting towels on the sunbeds early doors but as this was a very much UK and family orientated complex you had to get up early putting a towel out and if there were any Germans on site they would have been as shocked about that as their early World Cup exit. In other towel news on the apartments opposite and above there was a Manchester United versus Liverpool “Towel off”

As the days just merged into one of a nice morning stroll on my own, playing in the pool. Beers at the swim up bar around 5pm and then out for something to eat and drink memories of the holiday all blur into one. We did let the eldest have a “Sex on the beach” which was accompanied by a traditional dad joke about it and I did manage a bit of time on my own as reward for keeping the kids entertained in the pool. This mainly involved footy and one bar had that many games on a Saturday afternoon I appreciated the job that Jeff Stelling does on sky keeping it all together as goals were flying in everywhere. I of course had the pleasure of United getting beat whilst noticing Mixed Fruit Koppaberg abroad is about 5.3% compared to the 4.0% piss we get ??

We split the week up by having a day at the water park. Mrs Fay was brave enough to go on a few of the more less thrill seeking rides. I had a go on everything. On one of the tamest rides I managed to end up going backwards most the way on my rubber ring ending the ride with a 360 somersault to finish. The young Cypriot attendant ran over with a look of worry on his face and said “Are you alright sir” to which I just shook some water off and cooly said “Yeah no problem” whilst inside thinking “Fucking hell I might have been inches from a wheelchair then” Funny how when you get older the fear (And danger) of everything creeps in. I did of course go on the kamikaze etc and think being a hefty 6ft 3 frame added velocity to everything I went on in the waterpark and as I found out the morning after the water park I must have had internal bruising of both my upper arse cheeks thanks to the more danger rides !!

So with one night local and then the next night down at the harbour area the 7 days soon quickly passed but I am always happy to come home after 7 days. Coming home all was looking good as the plane we were due to get had left Manchester but by the time we got to the airport it was a three hour delay as the out coming flight had to return to Manchester not long after a technical fault occurred. It was at that point I thought me and Mrs Fay should really make a will though I did not pass this thought onto Mrs Fay who doesn’t like flying. After all I would hate you all to be fighting over who gets what when we had died a tragic death and after all my gadgets had been sold off there was still one credit card and half my overdraft still outstanding.

Lovely to have quality time with just the five of us. Mrs Fay was mostly well behaved for the 7 days apart from a few moments and the kids also behaved most of the time. So in the end thanks to a speedy turn around of the plane (No new food and drink loaded) they managed to keep the delay under three hours so no compo claim. I did queue up for the 8 euros each for us all though sadly as I was driving when we got to Manchester I couldn’t spend the 40 Euros on several pints of Keo and instead had to water and feed the sprogs !

Crash bang wallop and Friday decked out in tracksuit bottoms (First time my legs have been covered up for months) and my raincoat I headed out in the chilly 12c hoping to dodge the heavy showers and was soon picking dog shit up on Sudley Field again. I consoled myself with a sausage roll from Sayers before I commence the 18th diet of 2018. I did manage to get a “Sausage Pie” on holiday but this was jarg and was a hot dog in a pastry roll but at least things are heading in the right direction on the foreign sausage roll front.


Fay x x x x x x x x x x


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