Momo (MuMu) Madness, crazy weather madness and router madness.

So it was a half day finish on Wednesday due to year end jobs and no work system until Monday. What with a week off last week the Self Employed, mingebag alert levels are at critical and I might have to set up a Just Giving page. Anyway with the temperature nudging nearly 18c I decided to go for a lovely stroll around South Liverpool. Weather wise I have deffo had BBQ’s in the summer in the gloom and temperatures around 13c as the British in me says “We shall not be defeated by the weather” So I took in Sefton Park, down Lark Lane doing well to avoid a pint. Still cant get my head around going into a pub on my own for a pint but when I do things can only get worse for me. A walk down past the lovely St Michaels area past Melly Road which always has an S in front of it and through the reopened Festival Gardens and along Otterspool back to ours. It was along the front I noticed I had never seen The River Mersey so calm and I also had a world record broken. Having just got of the phone from one of Norris McWhirter’s relatives I can confirm that a new world record for male scouser with his top off for the summer was broken. The exact date February 27th !! Just hope he had his factor 50 on though it was pleasant enough down on the waterfront and warm enough to spot all the gingers in the shade.

Its been a week of noting random moments. One such moment was when walking the dogs up Sudley Field a what can be described as a “Rotund” land whizzed past me and this old lady on an electric scooter and queue the statement “He needs to get off that and walk” I looked down at my own growing beer belly and thought “Fucking hell I haven’t even got a scooter” I do find that when ladies reach the age of 60 they just have no barriers and in the words of Roy Walker from Catchphrase say what they see. They are often quite rude and ill mannered though judging by the stats that a Tenor Lady advert was throwing at me this week I can see what they might have a cob on and a slight aroma of piss.

I lost several hours the other day as our new router arrived. I had haggled this for free as part of a deal to stay with Virgin internet and get a price decrease. I am currently playing cancel sky chicken and have 25 days service left. Who is gonna crack first sky customer services or me. I will keep you updated. Anyway how many things are connected to a router. Eventually I worked out I needed to phone virgin to activate the router (Never heard of such a thing before) and then spent hours putting the new wifi password into anything from TV’s, games consoles, phones and iPads, Televisions, Alexa’s and even plugs and lightbulbs. Remind me never to get a new router again.

Staying with the technology vibe the other night our 11 year old woke up just as I had got to sleep as she was worried about Momo. According to the false story circulating on social media, children are contacted on WhatsApp by an account claiming to be momo. They are supposedly encouraged to save the character as a contact and then asked to carry out challenges as well as being told not to tell other members of their family. Also Momo was hacking youtube videos. Our 11 year old switched her Alexa off and wouldn’t go on youtube. Despite our best parenting skills she was having non of it and was a worried soul for a day or two until today it was revealed all as a giant hoax which was sadly aided and abetted by the media who peddled some bullshit about Momo. On the plus side being a massive KLF fan I was able to call it MuMu and have been going around the house saying “MuMu” in a deep voice.

So having a rare Thursday beer before March madness kicks in and the aim is to drop a stone in a month as I have become a fat bastard again. Just two massive holes in my plan. First up I am meeting an old workmate for a big session on the ale on Saturday (Day 2 ha ha) and also the news this week that Ocado are teaming up with M&S to start M&S home food delivery. The only thing stopping me from spending the rest of my life on 1 litre bottles of Italian Rose (Great size 750ml never enough and once you crack a 2nd bottle open then you know how that ends) luxury crisps and mini Colin The Caterpillar cakes is that I have to make a physical effort to go down to Speke to buy them. Please let me get my March madness plan out of the way before you start this.

And finally I played footy with my nephew on Wednesday and despite being 45 and 17 stone something I still reckon I am better than him. He said I was deffo in the top two Fay’s on the pitch and he would give me that. Anyway we got beat and there is no “I” in team but I did score about 6 goals to his 0.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x x

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A Cultural Review Of Bratislava

So February half term and the traditional trip away and my 12th appearance and how time flies and another chance to bang out another of the little known classic, a cultural review of series with previous February episodes on the following links WROCLAW RIGA TALLINN KRAKOW WARSAW HAMBURG DOUGLAS STUTTGART BERLIN

Day 1 Tuesday

So the magnificent 13 assembled at The Rocket at the end of the M62 to get the coach to Manchester airport and head to this years winning venue Bratislava and with the traffic being OK we were soon ordering 12 pints and one cup of tea and the first round of fixtures commenced the 3rd annual soccer dice tournament. Onto the plane and the random seating didn’t work out too bad for us and I got boxed off with some extra legroom and all the seatbelts fitted us gang of lager louts and happy days. With a two hour flight and a quick transfer from the airport we were in the beautiful city of Bratislava and a very quick dive in and out of the Ibis hotel we were in a small cafe around the corner ordering 13 local beers and the cafe was that small she didn’t have 13 pint glasses ?? We ambled down towards the main “drag” taking in the sights and checking every nook and cranny as experience says you can find some boss and cheap bars off the beaten track. Walked past one place and wished I had my good Sony camera on me but I grabbed a picture anyway and “Boy with footy in Bratislava” can be seen below.

Who says its all booze, ripping yer mates and soccer dice eh ! But that was the sum of culture on day one. As we went from bar to bar playing a round of soccer dice until half the league was complete we had a round down some very ropey stairs in The Goblin Bar and asked if the match would be on later. The barman then spent 30 mins trying to get a dodgy feed for a match that was kicking off in over 90 mins time. We didn’t have the heart to tell him about the kick off time and left to get a boozer with “proper” TV. We eventually ended up in The Red Lion for the match and what a disappointment and due to the increasing number of beers consumed my memories of the match are a bit fuzzy. To pick things up post match I put my international darts championship on the line. I have played darts for many years and in many tournaments but never have I been second up and passed the set of darts but with one of the dart points still in the board. Not only that I was suffering bounce outs that caused sparks to fly on the floor !! I was just glad to get out alive and fight another day and a defeat with the score A.Fay 1 v 0 N.Fay. Not to be forgotten but I found some fancy dress and tapped one of the lads on the back and managed to scare the life out of him.

Somewhere in-between all this madness I ended up in McDonalds and suffered another defeat as it was plain hamburger 0 v 1 hamburger with all kinds of shite on. Memories fade even more but we ended up having a late and very expensive drink in an Irish Bar and fell in just after 2am and headed off to bed with a Pepsi Max and a Twix from the hotel bar. I was sharing a room with my 32 year old nephew who discovered (A) I am very hairy (Oh come on please do behave yourselves) and (B) I like to listen to a podcast getting asleep !

Not to forget another defeat on the cards as I was hanging around the bottom of the soccer dice league table on just 6 points after day one but as I drifted asleep listening to the podcast (BBC Friday night comedy for reference) I had a vision of Yazz singing “The only way is up”

Day 2 Wednesday

So I had a little nose at what was on offer for breakfast and as usual I ended up having hotdogs as it was the nearest thing I was going to get to a sausage and some bread for stodge. Another defeat was incoming as I normally rob a load of small Nutella’s to give to my three daughters but this place must have been tipped off about me and only had a giant jar with a spoon (bastards) A morning walk was next and sweating ale out we marvelled at the three different types of trams doing the rounds and decided the auld ones were best. After going for some more culture and walking up to see Bratislava castle I needed a lie down and asked some questions to the lads from Richard Herrings book “emergency questions”

So it was time to get back on the ale again including two beers in a small cafe/bar in a thoroughfare. Two things of note here. First up I needed a piss and asked one of the lads “where the bogs were?” “Downstairs” was the reply. As I walked down the stars I thought very nice decor  for a bog and walked along a small corridor not knowing where I was going and looked left at a small reception and two very attractive girls popped up and said “Can I help you?” “Where are the toilets?” I replied to which I was told “Upstairs” yeah yeah the lad had sent me downstairs into a Thai massage gaff !!! Second memory is that me and one of the other lads decided next year we were gong to create 100 emergency questions involving the other lads. Needless to say none of them will ever be printed on this blog as the first 10 we come up with were ruthless !!! It was then another first when going for a Geoff Hurst in the next pub and ice in the urinal ??

More bars and booze and another lovely day weather wise in Bratislava which we didn’t want as we love cold and snow when we go away on our February trips. Some of the lads had a scran in  a gaff called The Beer Palace and lovely it was. As for me I couldn’t be arsed having any food as  “eating is cheating” As the sun set on Bratislava for day 2 some of the lads went to dip their toes in the Danube. I just went the next pub the Jazz bar for the final games of the Soccer Dice league. Anyway after an amazing run by myself and nearly every other result going for me I ended up joint top and as it was clearly stated in Manchester Airport (Rule 4.1b ii) in the event of a tie a play off match will take place for excitement. I won the match and soccer dice was going home and last years winner presented me with the trophy.

So I went for another toilet break and lost the lads when I came out the pub. All 12 of them has vanished into thin air and thats a big trick the size of some of us. After a firing off a few texts I discovered they were next door but on the 7th floor in the Sky Bar as one of the lads had booked us a slot for a bevvy. Sadly the viewing platform was not open but I joined the two lads that smoked and in true scouse style we enjoyed the splendid nighttime view of Bratislava on a balmy February evening.

 

So across the road to Bar 17 and one of the lads bought himself a lovely ornament and eventually got the seller down from 30 euro’s to 5 and we left for the next pub The Hacienda which obviously you had to walk in through the door doing a Bez style dance and then once in there create a beer theft straw.

Fuzzy memories of two of the lads trying to play chess for predictably all the pieces just to be knocked over by somebody as they went to start but eventually they started the game and it lasted about 6 moves before check mate !!

The night was getting late and the ale was kicking in but yet another side street and another bar. As what seems to be a recent tradition we ended up in charge of the bars big screen and banging some choons on via youtube. As ever Madness and The Jam were big hits and at some time in the proceedings a what could be only described as a “Lady of the night came in” anyway after she sat on everybody knee only to be told where to go we put “Brass in your pocket” on to which which she was totally oblivious to the pun. Revenge was taken by the father in law as every trip we go on we normally stumble across a sex shop and my father in law jokingly poses for a picture of him going in but this time he got a picture of the lady of the night sitting on my knee !!!! So with that insurance there will be no way I can post the picture of him.

So with the “Brass Bar” then becoming the “Drugs bar” as a fella come in trying to sell gear we decided it was time to quickly vacate that particular establishment but not before scoring 13 bags for 200 euros and having the snapchat details of 11 other ladies though that only made 12 so not sure who was going to share ?? It was time to head to bed as we couldn’t be arsed with the late night hassle that was starting to appear and I headed up to the hotel room armed with a Pepsi Max and a Twix again but two of the lads made it to a Discotheque !

Day 3 Thursday

So with a late flight after the morning hot dog festival for breakfast I again walked up to the castle with even more ale sweating out of me as the weather was even nicer. We checked out and went to amble around the city when our Adam who I was sharing a room with said “Have you got your passport” to which I replied “No its with yours still stashed under the TV in the hotel room” a quick and panic laden dash back the hotel and the cleaner was cleaning the room and smiled at us as we raised the TV to reveal 2 passports and thinking what ever is Bratislavan for “Yer pair of bell ends” On the way back home to the hotel my phone went and I got “where are you” we were by the hotel “Look at the tower” and in the very far distance two lads were jumping up and down waving their arms.

We got to the airport and security was closed it was that quiet but finally got through and both present etc and one last Slovakian piss and another slice of temptation as I was presented with a glory hole. I glanced down at my wedding ring and left it behind.

So onto the plane and no such luck in the legroom stakes and other lads from our group had the luxury though due to what can only be described as a seatbelt malfunction one of the lads had to give up his VIP seat in row 1 to much amusement of the others. As for me, our James (20) had a row to himself so he had to put up with Uncle Knobhead rambling on for two hours. His dad was in the row in front and helping a woman out with her baby and he was doing a very good job until it come to breastfeeding time as the bottle prepared wasn’t working and it was all eyes the opposite way.

So that was that another excellent trip and I look forward to next years a cultural review destination being announced and a nice escape from reality with not one mention of Brexit or Luciana Berger’s new gang. Bratislava was great 100 euros kitty got us two hardcore days on the ale and airport transfers.

As for soccer dice it came home, the name is on the trophy (We need a plinth) and the only way is down !!

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x x

A big up for the organiser I know what its like to box things off and make things run smoothly. The punishment for coming last in the soccer dice league was you have to organise next year. Our Adam might be able to sort a return train to Blackpool.

The 31st annual Faymondo Music Awards

 

 

So welcome to the 31st annual Faymondo music awards. Very hard to follow last years 30th big bash which you can read all about HERE Tonight we will be giving out numerous awards which started when I was just 14 years old. Here I am 31 years later still churning out the shite and will now do so until the day I die thought I now nominate my nephew James Fay to carry on the tradition when I go to the big jukebox in the sky. As ever each year thanks to technology and my new habit of having a bevvy on a Sunday evening and ordering vinyl to blast the Monday morning blues away I have listened to more music this year and most probably attended more gigs than ever even with a massive Glastonbury shaped hole in the summer. Weirdly though no female artist has been on my playlist on a regular basis ??

So we gather in The Tipsy Cow a new bar/bistro on Aigburth Road near Aigburth Vale and having spent over the official budget last year I only had £4.27 left so I have managed to get hold of Pete Price to compare but don’t tell him I told him it was a celebrity funeral just to make sure he turns up.

So below are the albums I have been listening most to in 2018.

Shape The Future Nightmares On Wax
Confident Music For Confident People Confidence Man
Marble Skies Django Django
Heaven Before All Hell Breaks Loose Plan B
Mount Pleasant Smoove & Turrell
The Art Of Pretending to Swim Villagers
Frequency Tea Street Band
Black Velvet Charles Bradley
No Tourists The Prodigy
Actualisation The Lucid Dream
Monsters Exists Orbital
Can U Cook Seasick Steve
Jassbusters Conan Mockasin
The Difference Between Me And You Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears
It’s About Time Chic
Egypt Station Paul McCartney
Stop Lying Raf Rundell
Merrie Land The Good The Band and The Queen
Superorganism Superorganism

So first up is best newcomer and on stage to present the award is the only remaining Chuckle Brother on the planet Barry or is it Paul ? Anyway the award goes to Confidence Man

Next up is best female and in a first in the 31 years of the famous awards the winner didnt actually release an album but a load of single tracks. Modern music eh and here to present the award is the only UK female to have three top ten singles in the U S of A its Samantha Fox. The winner is Roisin Murphy for her second best female award.

Just a heads up that half the Ikea meatballs and most of the jarg Aldi Pringles have gone but still loads of cans of Carling and plenty of sausage rolls and Desperados in the VIP section. So next up is best male and here to present the award and to send rumours going wild as he is back in Liverpool its Sam Allardyce and the winner is Paul McCartney. Sad to say Paul cant make it to Liverpool tonight but instead has sent a pair of giant fancy dress foam thumbs up.

So two awards to go and things grow in size with a runners up section in the next two categories. Here to present the award for best group is he a yankee no he’s a Londoner its The Rebel MC. Bloody tough one this and runner up are Liverpool finest The Tea Street Band

 

And onto the winners its only Confidence Man once again

 

So just one award left. Pete Price is still waiting for the coffin so we better be quick and its onto the prestigious Faymondo Music Awards album of the year. The selected attendees are now suitably pissed though those sayers sausage rolls are giving many people heartburn so I have just seen a fella splitting tablets in half and I assume they are Gaviscon and not Gary Ablett’s ? Will find out at the afterparty which incidentally is outdoor down by the old Otterspool Cafe an old haunt of mine from early 1990. Here to present the big award after Mick Jones from The Clash turned up last year and the last £4.27 going on Pete Price to compare its only Nigel Farage. “Anything to say Nigel, no just give the two gongs out and fuck off” So the runner up in the best album category is “Shape The Future” Nightmares On Wax

And the winner of the top gong and the 31st recipient of best album is “Confident Music For Confident People” and a treble for Confidence Man

 

Many thanks for turning up to this memorable occasion and I look forward to seeing you all in February 2020 for the 32nd annual Faymondo Music Awards. Feel free to take any Carling home with you and I look forward to seeing you all down Otterspool for the later party were there will be unlimited Merrydown Cider and if anybody can beat my record of necking a bottle in two swigs feel free to go for it. Congratulations to all the winners. Big thanks to all the people who turned up to present an award and if Mr Price could take his wreath to the front of the bar and escort Mr Farage into the waiting taxi and do one.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x x

For reference here is the hall of fame (Dont laugh I was young (ish) at the time for a few selections)

BEST ALBUM WINNER

BEST ALBUM RUNNER UP

1988

Raintown-DEACON BLUE

The christians-THE CHRISTIANS

1989

When the world knows your name-DEACON BLUE

Checkmate-ROGER CHRISTIAN

1990

Colour-THE CHRISTIANS

In the blood-LONDONBEAT

1991

Fellow hoodlems-DEACON BLUE

Seal-SEAL

1992

Happy in hell-THE CHRISTIANS

Volume 3 just right-SOUL II SOUL

1993

Whatever you say,say nothing-DEACON BLUE

Happy in hell-THE CHRISTIANS

1994

Our town-DEACON BLUE

Very-PET SHOP BOYS

1995

Tuesday night music club-SHERYL CROW

Seal (2) – SEAL

1996

Sheryl crow-SHERYL CROW

Whats the story morning glory-OASIS

1997

Time for change-SOUL II SOUL

Your cool mystery-GARRY CHRISTIAN

1998

The globe sessions-SHERYL CROW

5-LENNY KRAVITZ

1999

On how life is-MACY GRAY

Beacoup fish-UNDERWORLD

2000

Sunset over london-JOOLS HOLLAND R/B’S ORCHESTRA

The marshall mathers lp-EMINEM

2001

Homesick- DEACON BLUE

Loco-FUN LOVIN’ CRIMINALS

2002

The Eminem Show-EMINEM

Roland Gift-ROLAND GIFT

2003

Don’t give up on me-SOLOMON BURKE

Prodigal Sons-THE CHRISTIANS

2004

How does it feel-GARRY CHRISTIAN

Feels like Home-NORAH JONES

2005

Wildflower-SHERYL CROW

Make do with what you got-SOLOMON BURKE

2006

Fundamental-PET SHOP BOYS

Nashville-SOLOMON BURKE

2007

Dog House Music-SEASICK STEVE

Overtones-JUST JACK

2008

Chronicles Of A Modern Life-HENRY PRIESTMAN

I Started Out With Nothing And Still Got Most Of It Left-SEASICK STEVE

2009

Yes – PET SHOP BOYS

All Night Cinema – JUST JACK

2010

Bittersweet Batch- JESSE DEE

Tell Em What Your Name Is- BLACK JOE LEWIS AND THE HONEYBEARS

2011

Build A Rocket Boys-ELBOW

London Afrobeat Collective – LAC

2012

Ill Manors -PLAN B

The Lumineers -THE LUMINEERS

2013

Electric – Pet Shop Boys

Random Access Memories –Daft Punk

2014

Tea Street Band – TEA STREET BAND

The Last Mad Surge Of Youth – HENRY PRIESTMAN

2015

Darling Arithmetic – VILLAGERS

Favourite Worry – THE MILK

2016

Summer 08 – METRONOMY

Cleopatra – THE LUMINEERS

2017

432-1 : Open The Vein – NASHER

Automaton – JAMIROQUAI

2018

Confident Music For Confident People – CONFIDENCE MAN

“Shape The Future” NIGHTMARES ON WAX

BEST GROUP WINNER

BEST GROUP RUNNER UP

1988

THE CHRISTIANS

DEACON BLUE

1989

FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

DEACON BLUE

1990

THE CHRISTIANS

LONDONBEAT

1991

BLACK

DEACON BLUE

1992

SOUL II SOUL

EN VOGUE

1993

THE CHRISTIANS

DEACON BLUE

1994

DEACON BLUE

PET SHOP BOYS

1995

SOUL II SOUL

M PEOPLE

1996

OASIS

PET SHOP BOYS

1997

SOUL II SOUL

JAMIROQUAI

1998

FUN LOVIN CRIMINALS

OASIS

1999

JAMIROQUAI

UNDERWORLD

2000

JOOLS HOLLAND & RHYTHM/BLUES ORCHESTRA

THE CHRISTIANS

2001

DEACON BLUE

DAFT PUNK

2002

OASIS

UNDERWORLD

2003

THE CHRISTIANS

FUN LOVIN CRIMINALS

2004

JOOLS HOLLAND & RHYTHM/BLUES ORCHESTRA

THE PRODIGY

2005

JAMIROQUAI

FUN LOVIN CRIMINALS

2006

PET SHOP BOYS

TRANSIT KINGS

2007

PINK MARTINI

THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS

2008

OASIS

JEGSY DODD AND THE ORIGINAL SINNERS

2009

PET SHOP BOYS

MCINTOSH ROSS

2010

MASSIVE ATTACK

FAITHLESS

2011

ELBOW

LONDON AFROBEAT COLLECTIVE   

2012

DEACON BLUE

DJANGO DJANGO

2013

DAFT PUNK

PET SHOP BOYS

2014

TEA STREET BAND

METRONOMY

2015

VILLAGERS

PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCASTING

2016

METRONOMY

PET SHOP BOYS

2017

JAMIROQUAI

PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCASTING

2018

CONFIDECNE MAN

TEA STREET BAND

BEST MALE

BEST FEMALE

1988

MICHEAL JACKSON

YAZZ

1989

ROGER CHRISTIAN

MADONNA

1990

ROGER CHRISTIAN

N/A

1991

SEAL

MADONNA

1992

MICHEAL JACKSON

MADONNA

1993

TERENCE TRENT D’ARBY

MADONNA

1994

TERENCE TRENT D’ARBY

N/A

1995

SEAL

SHERYL CROW

1996

RICKY ROSS

SHERYL CROW

1997

GARRY CHRISTIAN

SHERYL CROW

1998

LENNY KRAVITZ

SHERYL CROW

1999

JOSE PADILLA

MACY GRAY

2000

EMINEM

MADONNA

2001

N/A

MACY GRAY

2002

EMINEM

SHERYL CROW

2003

SOLOMON BURKE

NORAH JONES

2004

GARRY CHRISTIAN

NORAH JONES

2005

SOLOMON BURKE

SHERYL CROW

2006

SOLOMON BURKE

N/A

2007

SEASICK STEVE

NORAH JONES

2008

HENRY PRIESTMAN

SHERYL CROW

2009

JUST JACK

IMELDA MAY

2010

SOLOMON BURKE

SHERYL CROW

2011

NOEL GALLAGHER & HIGH FLYING BIRDS

BEVERLEY KNIGHT

2012

BILL FAY

NORAH JONES

2013

CHARLES BRADLEY

N/A

2014

HENRY PRIESTMAN

IMELDA MAY

2015

NOEL GALLAGHER & HIGH FLYING BIRDS

ROSIN MURPHY

2016

DAVID BOWIE

NORAH JONES

2017

NASHER

SHERYL CROW

2018

PAUL MCCARTNEY

ROISIN MURPHY

BEST NEWCOMER TO ME

1988

DEACON BLUE

1989

SOUL II SOUL

1990

LONDONBEAT

1991

THE FARM

1992

EN VOUGE

1993

STEREO MC’S

1994

THE GRID

1995

SHERYL CROW

1996

RICKY ROSS

1997

FINLAY QUAYE

1998

KAREN RAMIREZ

1999

JOSE PADILLA

2000

EMINEM

2001

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

2002

ROLAND GIFT

2003

SOLOMON BURKE (NEW TO ME)

2004

DR JOHN (NEW TO ME)

2005

JOHN LEGEND

2006

JEGSY DODD

2007

SEASICK STEVE

2008

ROISIN MURPHY

2009

IMELDA MAY

2010

JESSE DEE

2011

LONDON AFROBEAT COLLECTIVE

2012

THE DESTROYERS

2013

VILLAGERS

2014

TEA STREET BAND

2015

THE MILK

2016

SMOOTH & TURRELL

2017

HENRY PRIESTMAN & LES GLOVER

2018

CONFIDENCE MAN

Fell in after 4am. Whats that all about ?

So Thursday night and some time ago I bought tickets to see Nightmares On Wax. Having missed them last year in Liverpool I wasn’t going to miss out again. Three tickets booked and sorted. Twas only a couple days later I realised it wasn’t a gig but a DJ set to plug their/his latest compilation as part of the “All Back To Mine” Ahh well lets do this anyway. Next shock was that doors were 10pm and a finish of 4am. This meant we didnt head out until 9pm and I will be quite honest at 9pm on a Thursday I an normally heading to bed to avoid Question Time and one final push for the last 7am start in work. So me and my mate Alan headed out and got the 9pm train down to Brunswick station and headed for a few pre gig pints in The Coburg. My nephew James met us in there as he has been working and rocked up for a free ticket off Uncle Knobhead as I am affectionally known as ! He is only 20 so I am investing in the future as I never charge him for any tickets I get him but hope he remembers when I am an auld man the investment I made in him ha ha mines a pint and a pack of salt and vinegar crisps la. With me being 45 I was around the average age as my mate Alan is 61 going on 20. We popped into Constellations for a quick one en route as you never want to get to the club too early and we eventually rocked up at 24 Kitchen Street just after 11.

Only ever been in the venue once and that was when it was part of The Threshold Festival. We noted then that it would be a boss little venue for a club style night but that night we watched a Norwegian band called Kalandra perform. Well little did me and Alan know some 5 years later we would be testing the venues clubability (Is that even a word ? ) Anyway I first stumbled across Nightmares On Wax way back in 1990 (Best year of my life) with their track “Aftermath”

I next stumbled or should I say slouched post club over them with their track “Nights Interlude” which was on Cafe Del Mar Volumen Tres. My god how many times have I drifted off into another world listening to this track. Just listening to this again sends me into a 1990’s bliss picking up on every little instrument and thing laid down on the track. Happy days man.

Finally I bought last years album “Shape The Future” on vinyl and even got Alan it for his 60th birthday. Its on the list for my album of the year (2018) but more of that in a few weeks time as the winners of my music awards get announced (31st edition !!!! )

We got to the venue at around 11pm and on entry got a full search but Alan avoided it because with him being a retired teacher some people on the door were ex pupils. Alan taught in a rough school (Shorefields in Liverpool 8) but always gets recognition when he meets ex pupils as he was a great teacher and got the best he could for the kids in a very difficult situation as did many of his colleagues who I will be going away with on the ale soon to Bratislava for another blog of the infamous “A Cultural Review of…..” Anyway due to Alan’s “fame” we got a round of drinks of the bouncers and three Red Stripe It was. So Nightmares On Wax AKA DJ E.A.S.E or real name George Evelyn came on around 11:30 ish. To cut a long story short he had us in the palm of his hands for three hours with perfectly timed peaks and troughs in his set. It was busy early doors with only the hardcore, yes us 3 included lasted the distance. One mad thing I did  notice is how impolite some people were just barging past. Back in my day (Here we go) we would day “Excuse me mate/luv and dance our way through” Some people now just barge through with their drinks. I got the youths view on this from my 20 year old nephew and he said it tended to be students from out of town and I did notice it tended to be females more than males. But anyway a few ill mannered people were not going to ruin this night. It was a great night. Great to show my nephew that uncle knobhead still has it and has done it all and also to give Alan a glimpse into my dim and distant past. There is no way I will be 24 Kitchen Street when I am 61. I will be in some boozer looking for some Nightmares On Wax on the super virtual jukebox implanted in my mind via the new iPhone 26 chip thats been implanted there !

So we fell out the gaff just before 4am and I got dropped off on the main road by ours and swayed up the hill and a nice glass of milk to demolish some munchies (*munchies would occur about three days after a night out in the 90’s !! ) Due to the late nature of the event I had booked a rare day off work being self employed. I thought I would be feeing delicate but normally I wake around 8am through force of habit now. Shock horror the first time I looked at my bedside clock beaming onto the ceiling it was 11:45. Wow lie in and a half.

On the plus side I had come home with nearly 15,000 steps on my Garmin watch (Yes sir I can Boogie) on the down side I wasn’t that hung over but just totally knackered. So that was that. Praying that Nightmares On Wax turn up in some kind of form at Glastonbury and me Alan and James can relive the boss night we had. I will eventually get around to buying the new vinyl compilation but need to reign in my vinyl addiction a bit. Below is the coolest uncle in Aigburth AKA Uncle Knobhead !!

 

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x x

The first taste of my second childhood

So with the youngest (6) staying out for the whole weekend me and Mrs Fay were just left with the other two sprogs 14 & 11. Both were having friends staying over so I eventually managed to persuade Mrs Fay that we could sneak out for a night out. Now being 45 my finger isn’t quite on the pulse of things these days and I was unable to get us on the guest list at Garlands followed by a walkover into the G-Bar so we opted for a bevy by ours. Mrs Fay declared that the furthest she would go was Lark Lane so we headed off into the cold, icy night and headed to The Victoria AKA The Aigburth Arms. So what were we going to leave behind. Would we come back to the house and there were 100 youths who had congregated in the house like one of those famous “Facebook” parties and come home to drunken teenagers wearing my prized collection of marathon and half marathon medals ? Will we have to step over piles of vomit and discover my prized vinyl collection had been used as frisbee’s. Only time would tell.

After a swift one in The Victoria we headed up to Lark Lane and popped into The Albert which has had a lick of paint recently and then into Love & Rockets were quite frankly we were one of the older clientele in there !! We stopped off for a couple in The Fullwood Arms and rounded the night off with one more in The Tipsy Cow a new gaff by Aigburth Vale. I am not sure if it was the six drinks or worsening conditions but me and Mrs Fay ended ice skating up the hill to our house like a modern day half pissed Torvil & Dean playing dancing on ice doing The Bolero very poorly. We had given the kids the heads up so hopefully the party they had was over. When me and my mate looked after his younger brother back in the day by the time his mum & dad had come back in the world war between them was over and they never knew anything different. One particular highlight was when my mate had spent a long time constructing a domino rally only for his younger brother to knock a domino down and start the domino chain before it was finished. The ensuing fight ended up with them throwing darts at each other before match of the day most probably came on and we all sat on the couch like good boys.

So we got in and the elder gang of girls were just siting on the couch watching The Greatest Showman and not a bottle of Thunderbirds in sight. How disappointing and “sprog the middle” was just in her bedroom with her mate. So me and Mrs Fay had one more for the wooden hill and had enjoyed the first taste of our second childhood. Benidorm here we come !! On closer inspection somebody had tried to play darts in the kitchen and hit the wall a few times and somebody had been at my giant whisky jar to have some change off though thankfully it was to go towards a Domino’s Pizza and not three ecstasy tablets and a bag of ketamine !! When my mum and dad left me I was just happy to have the house to play footy with my sponge football. After one night out I had smashed the glass in my dads prized Mersey Marathon certificate display. I told my mum when she came in and being pissed she said “Just dont tell your dad” So about 6 months later my auld man noticed the glass was broke and was about to go ballistic when mum stepped in and said “John its’s been like that for 6 months you cant be that arsed about it”  and the situation was diffused. My mum would have been 71 tomorrow (Feb 4th) and in a cruel twist of fate like a lyric from Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” it is world cancer day !! She never got to read any of the shite posted on here. My dad caught the first few years and said despite my very poor spelling and grammar he said I had a certain skill in writing and was funny. Didn’t get much praise off the auld man so I will take that.

So Sunday morning me and Mrs Fay headed out for a nice refreshing walk down Otterspool for some breakfast and exercise and coming back along Aigburth road stopped off at The Bread Shop by ours to get the kids some sausages rolls and one for me and I spotted this display in the window.

Holly was back in the afternoon and normal service resumed. So that was the first taste of my second childhood as the kids grow up and can look after each other. Not one to fuck about I have already booked a weekend away in Ibiza in July for me and Mrs Fay. The eldest will be nearly 15 and we have already taught her how to make noodles. That together with middle sprogs ability to make toast should see them through with some money left for pizza and a healthy stash of Oreo’s and Haribo. If they get stuck with anything these modern kids are all over youtube videos so wont have to disturb me with a FaceTime call in Ibiza though it would be nice to show them the view from the top of a podium in Amnesia.

Peace

Fay x x x x x x x x x x

Dedicated to Lilian May Fay 04.02.48 to 15.04.06

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